One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.

 

This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

 

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet like this," was the shop owner's reply. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! .

 

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..."

 

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

 

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

 

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night. Holy Night..."

 

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife.

 

So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life) "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

 

male birds have nuts?

Good one!

Any joke with a singing parrot named Chet:  

The punchline:


 


 Made me laugh.  Dunno if I am proud of that.

Quoted: male birds have nuts?

I've never been that interested to look but it's a fucking joke OK?

Some people checked their sense of humor at the door I guess.

Bump for the night crew.

That joke is older than dirt. Thanks for helping me remember it.

Old, but still funny.

Quoted: male birds have nuts?

Internally

A burglar broke into a house late at night after the residents had left to go to a Christmas party. As he was approaching the entertainment center, he suddenly heard a warbly voice behind him say, "Jesus is watching you!"

Whirling around, he shone his flashlight all over trying to locate whoever had just spoken. He saw nothing. Shrugging it off, he returned to his work of unplugging the DVD player. He had just gotten it unplugged and was putting it in his sack when the warbly voice repeated, "Jesus is watching you!"

He whirled around again and this time his light revealed- a parrot. "Was that you talking?", he asked. "Sure was," replied the parrot, "I just wanted to warn you that Jesus is watching."

Amused now, the burglar asked, "Are you Jesus?" "No," replied the parrot, "I'm Moses. Jesus is the 300lb Rotweiler."





A stage magician had just snagged a job on a cruise ship and was pleased with himself for getting such a lucrative job. The only downside was the captain's parrot, who sat on stage and kept shouting out how he did each trick.

"It's in his sleeve! It's under the table! He marked the card!"

It frustrated him having the parrot spoil how he did everything for the audience, and he repeatedly asked the captain to keep his parrot from watching the show and seeing how everything worked. The captain thought it was funny and refused to do anything about it.

Several days into the cruise, however, the ship struck an unmarked reef and began taking on water. Everyone scrambled for the life boats as the ship sank. The magician barely managed to snag a spot in the last life boat before the ship went down entirely. Amongst the passengers and crew with him in the lifeboat was the captain's parrot.

After several days of floating at sea without rescue, the people in the lifeboat sat motionless and silent, conserving their energy. Finally, the captain's parrot broke the silence by saying, "Okay, I give up. Where'd the ship go?"

that's an oldie.  I remember that one clear back in grade school.  

Quoted: A burglar broke into a house late at night after the residents had left to go to a Christmas party. As he was approaching the entertainment center, he suddenly heard a warbly voice behind him say, "Jesus is watching you!" Whirling around, he shone his flashlight all over trying to locate whoever had just spoken. He saw nothing. Shrugging it off, he returned to his work of unplugging the DVD player. He had just gotten it unplugged and was putting it in his sack when the warbly voice repeated, "Jesus is watching you!" He whirled around again and this time his light revealed- a parrot. "Was that you talking?", he asked. "Sure was," replied the parrot, "I just wanted to warn you that Jesus is watching." Amused now, the burglar asked, "Are you Jesus?" "No," replied the parrot, "I'm Moses. Jesus is the 300lb Rotweiler." A stage magician had just snagged a job on a cruise ship and was pleased with himself for getting such a lucrative job. The only downside was the captain's parrot, who sat on stage and kept shouting out how he did each trick. "It's in his sleeve! It's under the table! He marked the card!" It frustrated him having the parrot spoil how he did everything for the audience, and he repeatedly asked the captain to keep his parrot from watching the show and seeing how everything worked. The captain thought it was funny and refused to do anything about it. Several days into the cruise, however, the ship struck an unmarked reef and began taking on water. Everyone scrambled for the life boats as the ship sank. The magician barely managed to snag a spot in the last life boat before the ship went down entirely. Amongst the passengers and crew with him in the lifeboat was the captain's parrot. After several days of floating at sea without rescue, the people in the lifeboat sat motionless and silent, conserving their energy. Finally, the captain's parrot broke the silence by saying, "Okay, I give up. Where'd the ship go?"

tag

My African Grey is not that funny, but funny. He coughs, farts, yells FUCK, beeps and rings like my Nextel phone!  PLays dead bird also.

Bob

Quoted: My African Grey is not that funny, but funny. He coughs, farts, yells FUCK, beeps and rings like my Nextel phone!  PLays dead bird also. Bob

I have some friends who own a restaurant and they have a parrot they keep in the office.
He got so good at imitating the distinctive phone ring that they had to change phones systems.
They never realized he would just learn the new one, funny as hell watching people run for the phone. I think the parrot knew it and was entertaining himself LOL

Quoted: male birds have nuts?

no, but they do have testies

Forwarded from a Canadian friend of mine...



There will be no Nativity Scene in the Nation's Capital this year !

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Ottawa
this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find
three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's Capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Quoted: My African Grey is not that funny, but funny. He coughs, farts, yells FUCK, beeps and rings like my Nextel phone!  PLays dead bird also. Bob

You have GOT to post a vid of that.