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10/20/2017 1:01:18 AM
9/22/2017 12:11:25 AM
Posted: 8/22/2005 8:54:18 PM EDT
Stop me if you've heard it. It's at least PG-13, maybe R. Caveat Emptor.


So this guy walks into this bar. He sees a $1000 bill over the bar.
"What's that for?" he inquires.
Bartender replies: it's for the toughest man in the world".
"Who's that?" asks the guy.

Bartender replies: "See that large man at the end of the bar? That's Evander Holyfield. The toughest man has to fight him and win. See that screen door behind him? That leads to the alleyway that contains the meanest dog in the world: a pitbull with a tooth abscess. The toughest man has to pull that tooth out and wear it as a necklace. Finally, see that old, nasty woman in the corner of the bar? That's a 70 year old whore; she's had had sex with hundreds of thousands of men. You have to make her beg you to stop during sex. That's who the $1000 is for."

Oh, says the guy. He has some beers, a few more beers, and finally works up his courage.
"I'm the toughest man in the world", he bellows, walks to the end of the bar, and lays out Holyfield in one punch. He then exits through the screen door. Soon there is heard growling, barking, crashing of trash cans, screaming from the guy, crunching of bone, and finally, whimpering and yelping.

The guy, scratched, clothes torn, bleeding and bruised, comes back into the bar through the screen door, and says, "all right, where's the whore with the abscessed tooth?!!!!"


Link Posted: 8/22/2005 8:57:13 PM EDT
My favorite joke?

The democrat party.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:04:30 PM EDT
A couple of my favorites that are acceptable.

#1.What did Davey Crockett say at the Alamo?

"What the hell are all these land-scapers doing here?"



#2. An airplane is plummeting to earth, everyone is freaking out and praying because they know they are going to die. A young stewardess runs to the cockpit and pleads with the captain to "make her a woman" Reluctantly the captain agrees and removes his shirt. He then hands her the shirt and says: "Go iron this"
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:06:29 PM EDT

Originally Posted By MrScaramanga:

#2. An airplane is plummeting to earth, everyone is freaking out and praying because they know they are going to die. A young stewardess runs to the cockpit and pleads with the captain to "make her a woman" Reluctantly the captain agrees and removes his shirt. He then hands her the shirt and says: "Go iron this"



When MrsGloftoe gets here, you going DOWN, boy!
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:07:09 PM EDT
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything else that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

David, frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued,

"May I ask what the chicken did?"
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:12:28 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Airwolf:

"......................May I ask what the chicken did?"



Good one.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:13:07 PM EDT
Not neccessarily my favorite joke, but its the first one that came to mind after reading yours.


A man walks into a bar and orders three shots of whisky. He takes them to a table in the back and sits down with two other men and hands each a shot. He then downs his shot and walks back up to the bar and lays down four $100 bills and the empty shot glass. The man calls the bartender over and says "I'll bet you $400 that I can stand on the end of this bar and set this shot glass on the other end and piss in it without spilling a drop."

The bartender thinks for a second, and nods his head and takes the shot glass down to the other side of the bar. The man opens his fly and starts to let it rip. It goes all over the bar, not a drop makes it within six feet of the shot glass. The bartender laughs and pockets the four bills, and says, "I can't believe you would give up $400 on something that you can't even come close to accomplishing, anytime you want to try this bet again, be my guest."

The man walks to the back of the bar, grabs money from the two men he shared shots with and goes to leave the bar. On his way to the door, a patron that had seen the bet with the bartender asks the man, "Hey buddy, you didn't even seem phased about losing that bet by a longshot, what's the deal with that?"

The man says, "you see those blokes back there?" "Yeah", says the patron, "well I just bet them $1000 a piece that I could piss all over the bar and the bartender would be happy about it."
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:18:33 PM EDT
I can't tell my favorite (this is a family forum, after all) but here are two I like very much:

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field, drifting roughly North-Northwest at about five miles per hour."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but doesn't help me at all."

The man below says "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were in before we met, but now it's my fault."

The second:

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, the latest Polarized sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, "Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, "Sure."

The driver threw the car into park, plugged a satellite phone into his laptop, checked his GPS coordinates and punched them in to a program that hacked into a Russian spy satellite and initiated a remote millimeter radar, optical wavelength, and infrared body-heat scan of the area. He downloaded the images into a custom analysis program that ran a complicated algorithm on the available data. While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mail via his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses. Finally, the little laser printer in his glove compartment spat out a 150 page double-sided full-color glossy bound report. He turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaf of paper, and pronounced “You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

"That's right. One of my sheep is yours," said the shepherd.

He watched the young man select an animal and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd said: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied “You're on!”

"You are a consultant," said the shepherd without hesitation.

"That's impressive," said the young man. "How did you guess?"

"It wasn't a guess," replied the shepherd. "You drive into my field uninvited, ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer a question I haven't asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now give me my back my dog."

Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:22:25 PM EDT
Pissing on the bar is from Desperado. Tarantino's joke told to Cheech Maron.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:30:08 PM EDT
This one is Simple yet I find it funny




a guy walks into a bar...

and says....

OW!

Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:31:18 PM EDT

Originally Posted By MrScaramanga:
Pissing on the bar is from Desperado. Tarantino's joke told to Cheech Maron.



that is a good one
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:54:47 PM EDT

Originally Posted By adair_usmc:

Originally Posted By MrScaramanga:
Pissing on the bar is from Desperado. Tarantino's joke told to Cheech Maron.



that is a good one



Oh I heard it long before it was in that movie, but you're right.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 10:12:53 PM EDT
A city slicker from New York gets stuck in a small town in rural Arkansas on business. Upon entering the town, the city slicker notices that there are no women in the town at all, so he goes into the bar and asks what everyone does for sex. They tell him that there are no women in the entire town, and that if someone gets the "urge" they use one of the local sheep. The city slicker is horrified and storms out of the bar. However, as the days and weeks go by, the city slicker starts getting more and more desparate. Finally, he decides that he can't take it anymore, and that a sheep is better than nothing. However, he tells himself that if he is going to do this, by golly he's going to show those scraggle toothed hillbillies how its done! He goes down to the farm, picks out the purdiest sheep he can find, washes her in the finest bubble bath, perfumes her coat and ties pink ribbons on her head. After he has his way with her, he goes back to the bar with the sheep under his arm to explain how its done to these rural hicks. However, when he gets to the bar he is universally met with stunned looks and absolute silence.

Frustrated, the city slicker angrily admonishes the crowd: "You are all a bunch of hypocrates! I know that each and every one of you has sex with sheep because there are no women in this town. Now I do it and you all look at me like I am some kind of freak!"

The bartender responds: "Son, THAT'S the Sherriff's gal."

Link Posted: 8/22/2005 10:19:13 PM EDT

Originally Posted By happycynic:
.................... "Son, THAT'S the Sherriff's gal."




Yore in a heep uh trouble, boy.



Link Posted: 8/22/2005 10:28:32 PM EDT
Hitler: "My dog has no nose...."

Adoring crowd at Neurmburg(sp?) rally: "How does he smell...??"

Hitler: "Awfull"
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 10:42:04 PM EDT

Originally Posted By happycynic:
A city slicker from New York gets stuck in a small town in rural Arkansas on business. Upon entering the town, the city slicker notices that there are no women in the town at all, so he goes into the bar and asks what everyone does for sex. They tell him that there are no women in the entire town, and that if someone gets the "urge" they use one of the local sheep. The city slicker is horrified and storms out of the bar. However, as the days and weeks go by, the city slicker starts getting more and more desparate. Finally, he decides that he can't take it anymore, and that a sheep is better than nothing. However, he tells himself that if he is going to do this, by golly he's going to show those scraggle toothed hillbillies how its done! He goes down to the farm, picks out the purdiest sheep he can find, washes her in the finest bubble bath, perfumes her coat and ties pink ribbons on her head. After he has his way with her, he goes back to the bar with the sheep under his arm to explain how its done to these rural hicks. However, when he gets to the bar he is universally met with stunned looks and absolute silence.

Frustrated, the city slicker angrily admonishes the crowd: "You are all a bunch of hypocrates! I know that each and every one of you has sex with sheep because there are no women in this town. Now I do it and you all look at me like I am some kind of freak!"

The bartender responds: "Son, THAT'S the Sherriff's gal."




Similar to one I heard Except you substitute Osama Bin Ladin for the city slicker, a camel for the sheep, and the punchline is: "Usually we ride the camel to the next village where there is a whorehouse."
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