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9/22/2017 12:11:25 AM
Posted: 9/26/2005 3:41:01 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/26/2005 3:50:11 PM EDT by bigyeti]
My partner retired last week and sent this to me on his last day... Thought I'd share it with some who would understand... I've been out for just over 2 years now...

I gotta tell you, though... This retirement thing is not all it's cracked up to be...
It's waaayyy Better!!!!!

Watch out for the CSI effect. There is no machine
that we can drop an eyelash into and come up with
the DNA profile, fingerprints and mug shot of the owner in 2 minutes.

When you see an emergency vehicle behind you with
its lights and sirens on, pull to the RIGHT, and
Stop. We are usually required to pass cars on the left.

Dunkin' donuts has much better coffee than they do doughnuts.

When you're driving in the fast lane and you see
a cop behind you don't, go 5 mph's under the
speed limit. We are not impressed by how safe of
a driver you can be; we're trying to go help
someone (or catch that guy in the SUV that just
cut you off). Safely move over and let us pass by you, please.

If you get a warning instead of a ticket from a
motorcycle cop, go buy a lottery ticket, because
you've already beaten the odds.

When you see an officer conducting a traffic
stop, or with a suspect in handcuffs it is
generally not a good idea to approach him/her and
ask for directions. If you do, don't expect the
officer to be nice when he/she tells you to get
lost, and don't expect the officer to take the time to explain.

If a cop causes a car accident we usually get a
ticket, and sometimes we get suspended. When is
the last time you got 3 days off [without pay]
for rear-ending a guy at Wal-Mart.

If you think you can fan all the pot smoke out of
the car before we smell it, good luck.

We know you've had more than 2 beers. I've never
had two beers, then hit six parked cars and
driven my car through the front doors of a
Toys-R-Us, pissed my pants, and passed out with my foot on the gas.

Here's how to get out of a ticket, don't break the law in the first place.

If you drive a piece of junk car; this is why you're getting pulled over:
In one week I pulled over 10 cars for minor equipment violations.
5 out of 10 had no vehicle insurance,
3 out of 10 had suspended driver’s licenses,
2 out of 10 had warrants,
1 out of 10 had felony warrants,
and 1 was a known sex offender with his 12 year old niece in the car
without her mothers knowledge.

If you've just been pulled over doing 70 in a 35,
do not greet the Officer with " what seems to be the problem, officer."

We get coffee breaks too, and sometimes we run
into stores and do some shopping during them.

When you're the victim of a burglary take the
time you spend waiting for the officer to find
the model #'s and the serial #'s of the stuff that was taken.

Some cops are just jerks, but take heart in the
fact that other cops don't like them either.

If it's nighttime and you're driving a vehicle
with tinted windows and I pull you over. It's not
because of your skin color; I usually can't tell
if the vehicle even has a driver until the windows rolled down.

Cops make mistakes, and sometimes they are big mistakes.

Some cops are bad, and sometimes they're real bad.

Every time you hear on the news about people
running away from a crazed gunman, someone's son
or daughter in a police uniform is running TOWARD that crazed gunman.

Yes it's true; cops usually don't give other cops
speeding tickets. Think of it as an employee
discount, perk or benefit, and unless you're a
habitual speeder all you ever get is a fine.

If your local police agency has a helicopter
everyone knows it's loud and annoying, but did
you know it can cover the same area as 15-20
patrol officers, and safely chase criminals that
are driving 90 MPH through city streets. Many
times the guy has no idea it's there and slows down.

Your 5 year old kid getting pushed down by
another 5 year old kid IS NOT a police matter, talk to the other kids parents.

If your kid won't do his homework or do his
chores, 911 is not the answer for a uniformed second-string parent.

Police work is...writing reports.

If you rob a gas station you're only going to get
$20, but I get to see a K-9 dog use your arm as a
chew toy. For all I care you can keep the $20.

In 1 year of patrol work in a large city only
about 10 minutes would be cool enough to be on
the television show, COPS. But if COPS was about
report writing and accident reports each show would be a yearlong.

Every traffic stop could end in gunfire, but we
have to be polite and professional until that time.

I've taken about the same amount of men/women to
jail for domestic violence, so NO it's not always the man.

People love fire fighters.

Some cops don't like to be called cops. I don't
know why, but most don't care -- we've been called worse.

If you find crack pipes in the ladies purse,
there is a good chance they belong to her.

Cops know you pay taxes and that your taxes pay
cops' salaries. Cops also pay taxes, which also
pay cops' salaries so, hey, this traffic stop is
on me. Now sign here; press hard you're making five copies.

And a Variation On The Above ---

Irate Offender:" My tax money pays your salary, so you work for me!"
Officer: "I pay taxes, too, so I figure I'm self-employed."

When you see an officer walk into the room, a
polite greeting of Hello, How are you? is much
more appropriate than, Uh-Oh Jim, it looks like
they're here for you! Or putting your arms up and
exclaiming, I didn't do it! It will surely save
you from looking like an unoriginal horse's arse.

If there are police cars, fire trucks, or
ambulances at your neighbor's house then there is
a problem. You don't need to meddle into your
neighbor's business by asking us what's
happening. Your curiosity, no matter how strong,
is not a reason to violate your neighbor's
privacy. If it's something that YOU need to worry
about, we would've knocked on your door and told you.

Remember that you and I enjoy the benefits of
Constitutional rights, and so does the guy you
suspect of stealing your stuff. No, I can't go
search his house for your property just because
you suspect he might be involved.

No, I don't know your cousin who's a police
officer in (fill in location anywhere in the US) (We Don't All Know Each Other)

No your crappy band doesn't have until 10:00 pm
to blast your crappy music out of that garage.

If I can see a 12 year old in your house
finishing off a beer with a bong hit I don't need a warrant.

If you don't know what the speed limit in your
neighborhood is what makes you think it's 65?

If a neighborhood association asks for police to
start ticketing in their neighborhood, one of the
first five ticketed is on the board of the association.

When you're blocking an area to traffic (both
foot and vehicle), "No, You can't go that way"
doesn't mean, "You're special, so by all means, go ahead."

If an officer is standing in front of you with
his hand outstretched, waving furiously at you,
plus he's yelling for you to "Stop", it's usually
a good idea to do as he asks. Please don't keep driving towards the officer.

Flares + cruiser parked at an angle equals a
place you can't go, even if it's a ramp to the interstate.

Don't run from the police and then attempt to
hide in a warehouse. Especially don't do this if
the officers tell you that the dog is going to be
let loose, as this will generally result in the
dog winning. They leave some pretty marks, by the way..

Stop resisting means exactly that. Don't say "I'm
not resisting" as you throw a punch at the officer's face.

Just because you're handcuffed doesn't mean you
won't go on the ground if you attempt to assault
an officer. We don't even make exceptions for women who bite us, either.

Did you really think I wasn't going to find that
large lump of crack you got clenched in your
butt? Come on, it's either the world's largest '
roid, or you got something you ain't supposed to have.

If they tell you they borrowed the jacket from a
friend, just before you search it, they've got
something, and it's still gonna be their jacket.

For some reason, you think I'll believe it when
you tell me that you don't know how it got there. (see above).

Stopping a green man in a blue shirt and pink
pants a block away from an armed robbery when the
suspect description is a green man in a blue
shirt and pink pants...IS NOT racial profiling.

Just because you have your hazard lights on,
doesn't mean it is okay to park in the fire lane
and run into the store. Even if you really need milk!

No I will not go get your 6 year old from their
friend's house, because it is 1:00 am and you
don't want to drive 3 minutes. Maybe you should
set a curfew, and enforce it. I am not a bad
police officer; you're a bad parent.

And Last but not least: 99% of Police Officers do
their job honestly and with great pride, we try
to do our job well. Often we have to work in
environments where we are the only ones that have to follow the rules.

A veteran Sergeant told me on my first day of
patrol when you wear that uniform everything you
do is a liability. We do make mistakes and due to
the nature of the job sometimes they have horrible results.

The Koran does not permit Mohammedans to drink..
Their natural instincts do not permit them to be moral.

They say the Sultan has eight hundred wives. This almost amounts to bigamy.

Mark Twain - The Innocents Abroad
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