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1/25/2018 7:38:29 AM
Posted: 7/12/2002 3:16:17 AM EST
Well, after 6 years of marriage, and 10 years together, my wife no longer wants to try to make things work. We still love each other, but between my past self-esteem problems that had me quitting jobs when I got frustrated (and the inevitability of not finding a good one due to the same), our inability to communicate our wants and needs, and her fear of being hurt by this again, it is finally over. My going back in the Army was the straw that broke the camel's back. She felt I was putting my needs and my duty to the Nation ahead of our marriage, that her input and feelings were not important to me. She could not be more wrong, but as I finally understand, if love is true, then it would be wrong to try to get her to work things out when she truly believes that way, that there is too much pain and chance of us falling back into old patterns. My decision to join the Army was meant to fix those issues in myself, and is a damn good start. It was meant to help fix the problems so that we would have a chance at a future together. There is no animosity involved, only love, hurt and regret. I will walk away with a gaping empty void in my soul, with my books, pictures, guitar, and my M4-gery. She will assume the mortgage (so that I will regain the use of my VA loan), and keep everything in the house, including our cats. I want her to have the house, as it is next door to her grandmother's, and her grandfather helped build it in 1954. I will go on to Ft Bragg on Monday, and try to accept that God's Will, not mine, be done. This is so very hard, and it hurt so bad to take off that ring. Thank you all for being here these past few years, you guys are all great. I'll post thru Sunday, then will be off 'net until I can afford to build a computer. Don Out.
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 3:28:01 AM EST
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 3:32:19 AM EST
Thanks, Ed.
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 3:46:51 AM EST
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 3:48:32 AM EST
[Last Edit: 7/13/2002 12:02:27 PM EST by ura_baddog]
Sorry for you troubles GO ARMY and GOOD LUCK Seems like you are heading in the right direction. Learn from the mistakes of others and yourselves, if you do not learn from your mistakes you are bound to repeat them. God helps those who help themselves Have FUN and get as many jumps on squares as you can . Stay out from under the roundies unless you like the abuse. GOOD LUCK
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 3:53:54 AM EST
Man, I can't imagine that (taking off the ring) "Trust in the Lord will ALL your heart, and don't trust in your own wisdom. In everything you do, honor the Lord, and He will direct your paths." -- Proverbs 3: 5 - 6
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 4:02:43 AM EST
Good Luck and my heart felt wishes for peace.
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 4:05:14 AM EST
i don't know how it works in TN but in Texas when you fill out the divorce papers both of you have the option to part as friends. if you don't take this option restraining orders will automatically be filed against one another. here in TX this will cause you to loose you concealed handgun license and you can't buy a gun. the old lady does not need to know why you want to part as friends because they can get vindictive.
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 4:12:05 AM EST
Been there and have done that, hang tough things have a way of straightening themselves out, just never give up, and one day believe me you will realize, hey I'm better off today than I was then. Untill then good luck partner.
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 4:14:19 AM EST
In 1977 my wife told me "Its the Army or me". I chose the Army and have no regrets. John MSG US Army (retired).
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 4:15:36 AM EST
Thanks, all. 308wood, we will part as friends because that is how we are. We are both scared, but to continue on would be dishonest to us both. Garandman, I can't imagine it either- I have to trust in God that this is in His plan for me. If this is the wrong choice, I hope that God will let her know this. I have made too many mistakes doing what I think is best, so must trust in the Highest Authority. Don Out.
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 4:17:27 AM EST
At least now I can devote myself fully to trying to weasel my way into SF [:D] Don Out!
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 4:24:14 AM EST
Originally Posted By Rigger66: Garandman, I can't imagine it either- I have to trust in God that this is in His plan for me. If this is the wrong choice, I hope that God will let her know this. I have made too many mistakes doing what I think is best, so must trust in the Highest Authority. Don Out.
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Please know that what I'm about to say, I say out of love. Actually, I'm just quoting Someone else. [i]Malachi 2: 16 - For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away (divorce)[/i] God hates it. Sounds like you do too. Balance that out with - [i]1 Corinthians 7:9-11 - And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.[/i] All you can do is look at your own actions, and see if YOU did right. If yer wife is gonna leave you, that is in her hands. Make sure YOU are obedient to the Lord. Always. Ultimately, God has this for your good, if you belong to Him. [i]Rom 8: 28 - We KNOW that all things work for good, to them that love the Lord.[/i] At the time, I had a hard time seeing how my wifes cancer would be for our good. But I see (a little better) why now. God does ALL THINGS well. Peace.
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 4:29:45 AM EST
Originally Posted By Rigger66: I have made too many mistakes doing what I think is best, so must trust in the Highest Authority. Don Out.
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The name of the game Don.....Keep the faith!
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 4:39:59 AM EST
Don, I hope things get better, most of all I'm hoping she will have a change of heart and support you. Take care of yourself during this time.
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 4:50:13 AM EST
Thanks again for the support. It just hurts to walk around the house right now. I was given a report date of 24 July, but I can't bear to stay here that long- I don't think that would be good for either of us. We both want me to stay through the weekend, painful as that might be. As I told her, my marriage was/is in God's eyes, the paper was just a legal thing for Man's government/society. I have done all that I can, so must now just be there for us while moving on for me. Hope this last makes sense, but I have freely given away part of myself that I can never take back. Don Out
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 5:00:15 AM EST
Rigger, check your mail.
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 5:02:46 AM EST
Chcek out your VA loan assumtion rules. When someone assumes your VA loan, you do not get your eligibility back until that loan's paid for. You're also still on the hook for the loan to the VA if someone else (including ex-wife) assumes it. If she get's her own loan that pays off the VA loan, then you get your eligibility back, but and assumption is different. I've known alot of GI's that have wound up having to auction off a house they "used to own" that some guy assumed. They didn't know they were still ont he hook when the guy stopped making payments. After the VA repoed it and threw the deadbeats out of the houses, they'd have to auction off the house, but the original GI was STILL THE LEGAL SCAPEGOAT of the original VA loan that was assumed. Not saying that it will apply in your case, as I'm no pro, but I've bought two houses with a VA loan. Check into the rules first. When I got divorced, we still owned a house in Copperas Cove, TX (Ft Hood) and we simply sold it, payed off the VA loan and split whatever was left. Others have successfully had their spouse buy them out by taking out their own loan and paying off the VA. Depends on the value of the place, and your own preference as to what to do. No matter what, check out the legal rules about someone assuming your VA loan! Ross
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 5:11:49 AM EST
Originally Posted By DonR: Rigger, check your mail.
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Thanx, U Got Mail... Don
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 5:13:34 AM EST
Originally Posted By Ross: Chcek out your VA loan assumtion rules. When someone assumes your VA loan, you do not get your eligibility back until that loan's paid for... No matter what, check out the legal rules about someone assuming your VA loan! Ross
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Ross, thanx. We will go the route of her or her uncle buying the house, we just didn't know about this. Thanx again. Don
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 5:48:25 AM EST
what about a separation period? doesn't sound like either of you really WANT the divorce. sounds like she thinks that's her only option.
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 6:00:02 AM EST
Rigger66, I guess I don't know anything more to say, so I'll just say amen to Garandmans last post as well as ARLady's. My wife & I have been married 29 years, and have certainly had our times when we may have separated had it not been for our faith in Him. We haven't had any interaction here on the board before today, but I'm here if you want to jaw about anything and/or pray together. May God bless you as you seek Him. Ted
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 6:06:56 AM EST
Best of luck...and HOOYAH!!! [8D]
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 6:08:00 AM EST
ARLady, NMSight, We have been seperated since 30 Jan., while I was in training. I'm not closing off any options, but I did see that in her eyes, she truly feels that it is over. Other than the time we need to get the finances straight, and for her to buy the house, I will not be talking to her. Maybe this is what she needs, and maybe with no contact, her heart and feelings will change. This is my hope, but I do not count on it. Don Out, need to buy a case for the AR and collect some things... Back shortly.
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 6:11:33 AM EST
Originally Posted By Rigger66: ARLady, NMSight, We have been seperated since 30 Jan., while I was in training. I'm not closing off any options, but I did see that in her eyes, she truly feels that it is over.
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oh. [:(] it does sound as if she's determined.
Other than the time we need to get the finances straight, and for her to buy the house, I will not be talking to her. Maybe this is what she needs, and maybe with no contact, her heart and feelings will change. This is my hope, but I do not count on it.
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not sure how you/she feel about it, but sometimes a 3rd party is really helpful in getting the communication going in a positive direction, sort of help filter out the negative emotions and just relay the pertinent points. just a suggestion. i hope all works out for the best.
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 6:15:27 AM EST
Originally Posted By ARLady: snip not sure how you/she feel about it, but sometimes a 3rd party is really helpful in getting the communication going in a positive direction, sort of help filter out the negative emotions and just relay the pertinent points. just a suggestion. i hope all works out for the best.
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Thanx, and I have suggested it. Maybe with time that would be an option??? Who knows- I don't. AHHH, well, gotta drive on with my Airborne life... Don Out
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 6:29:37 AM EST
Saving your marrige is worth the effort if you can do it. I was divored during my Army service as well. It's not like it's the greatest enviroment to be married in, but plenty of people do it. Whatever happens, don't either of you feel like failures. That's a useless waste of time. My ex-wife and I started having problems several years before we finally called it quits. I'm still not clear on why it happened, other than growing apart during long periods of separation, and simply both of us being too boneheaded to know better about what we should have done. We tried counselling, and the Army has good programs for that. It didn't work for us, but it has worked for plenty of other folks and I'd recommend you try it before cashing in. You both have to actually want to try it though. If one person just wants it to end, then end it will. My ex-wife and I split as friends. I could not think of anyone better suited to raising my kids with my help than her. They've grown up perfect in every way and I think we've done a better job raising them apart as friends rather than together as hated, bitter enemies. They did not miss a father figure, as I've always been there for them, and have taken a direct part in raising them. Oddly enough I get along with my ex-wife much better after we were divorced than when we were married. Part of that is we don't ahve to put up with each other's crap (the stress of marrige) and part because we matured over the years. We've been divorced for..oh..ten years now. We went separate ways romatically after the divorce. She's remarried to a good man. In fact we are friends as well and even his parents have "adopted" me into their family. Her parents never ceased considering me as one of their's. I'm still single, chasing psychotic women that I probably shouldn't, but hey, what's a guy to do?[;)] I'm blabbing all this to say that you're better off not getting divorced. Even though my divorce worked out better than my marriage ever did, I still regret not doing something or other (that I can't figure out what) that would have changed things and saved our marriage. That being said, if you can't make your marriage work, make your divorce work. Don't get all embittered and hateful. You'll be pissed, sure. It's a failure that shouldn't happen to anyone. But make something good come out of it. Good Luck with it. Ross
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 6:49:12 AM EST
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 7:36:42 AM EST
Rigger66: Check email. Hang in there, soldier.
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 12:31:02 PM EST
Mail checked & replied to. Ross, that sounds about right as to this situation. I can't push her into a corner on this- we would both resent it. We are remaining friends, there really is no other way. The angry periods come and go, and we both know them for what they are. I will never willingly give up, but will not fight a one sided battle that would end up hurting both of us. Did I mention that you guys/gals are the greatest? Don Out
Link Posted: 7/12/2002 12:48:27 PM EST
[Last Edit: 7/12/2002 12:49:46 PM EST by bolt]
Rigger66..... Did I mention that you guys/gals are the greatest? Don Out
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.....[;)]Sounds like your already hitting on us?[;)].....cut bait'n'run to SF.
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