So I just got out of the hospital, full neck brace. Thankfully no TBI, although they said if someone had not called 911 and I had passed out the concussion would’ve killed me. Right now I’m trying to figure out how to pay these hospital bills since I won’t be working anytime soon (I do construction). I wasn’t carrying my ccw since I was at a bar drinking, but I’ll try to go through the night as best I can recall.

So I was supposed to meet a girl I know from a ways back at this bar in Texas, it was a nice place not too crowded. Into my third crown and I get a text saying shes not gonna make it out. Well fuck whatever, these two bar girls have been giving me eyes for the last thirty minutes. Only one of em is decent looking so I figure I’ll take a swing at it. It’s America right? There’s about six guys there, some playing darts and pool but all of em pretty much minding their own business. There some weird looking gorilla in a stretched out Tapout shirt mean mugging me from the far corner of the bar but every bar has “that guy” so I ignore it.

The ugly fat bar girl who had been giving me eyes comes over and starts making small talk and doing the eye lash thing. I’m polite, order another crown on the rocks and ask her about the other girl. She gets pissy that I’m not into her and asks me if I think shes cute. I said, ‘well sure but I wouldn’t want to piss of your baby daddy or whatever.” She gets pissed! I’m apologizing and stuff because I figured she was pregnant. She calms down after about ten minutes of huffing and puffing and I buy her a drink and put away two more myself. She seems to get over it and starts talking about what a ho-bag the cute girl is. Well damn, now I’m super into it. I slam my drink and order another and ask her to go back and grab the girl and tell her I said whats up.

She storms off all huffy then comes back and says, “shell meet you in the last stall in the unisex room in 5.” I’m like ‘holy shit I love texas’. I take off to the bathroom and discover my worst enemy. Whiskey dick. So I’m trying to get the ol’ mean machine fired up when this cute girl opens the door – and FUCKING FLIPS OUT. I may be blasted but I can figure out when I’ve been duped.

How embarrassing right? I come out of the john and the ugly fat bartender is laughing her fat ass off. I was like you FUCKING ASSHOLE and threw my money down on the bar to cover my tab. She starts going on about how it’s no big deal and just a joke. She pours me a drink and says its on the house and I slide it away, uninterested. She gives me a couple darts and tries to apologize so I pick em up and huck em into the dart board at the back of the bar. I tell her no hard feelings but I’m lit and need to leave. I ask her to call me a cab and she does. Apparently when I walked back out of the bathroom and drew her attention I interrupted that gorilla in the tapout shirt while he was ordering some papa johns in some lame ass attempt to seduce her fatness. He looks all pissy and at this point I’ve got so much crown in me I feel like I’m gonna die. So I just shanty on outside to get some fresh air, I don’t want to puke inside the place like a schmuck.

I didn’t even hear anyone walk out behind me, but I shout FUCK FATCHICKS at the top of my voice, which made me feel a little better.

Then I got fucking judo chopped in the neck from behind. I instantly knew something had been damaged from the shooting paint down my side. I turned around quickly, seeing the guy with the gut and manboobs barely restrained by his Tapout shirt and put my hands up defensively and the guy kept coming. I got knocked to the ground and he just hunched over my punching me in the face. As it all started going black I heard him whisper “ready for your tune up?” and he put a finger inside of me.

Then I woke up in the hospital a day later. I guess I had put down around 15 crown on the rocks, and the Cops said there was no way I could have defended myself against the vicious and unnecessary assault and sexual battery. They said they were close to catching the guy, who had been sighted in an Affliction shirt screaming “COME AT ME BRO” at some 14 year old who’d laughed and pointed at a fat chick working at Arbys.



True story.

Nevah bin dun befo.

LOL
 

How convenient. Guy gives massages and prostate exams.
 

Slow clap GIF.

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Mr. Magoo could have seen this one coming.
 

I was with you until you turned it from a neck punch into a neck chop.

ooooh, you got neck punched.


sucks man.

Nice parody!!

Well ok then

In before the brachial stun.

awesome

Fat girls for everyone.


 

2/10

Missing scene from Raising Arizona!

Texans don't like pussies from WA who drink like there ass is made of candy.  

LULZ

I think I missed something here...

LOL!



Bonus digital exam FTW!


 

Some pain was distributed to you?

Lol....nice try.

I'm strangely aroused.

So.....did you get her number?

Golf clap?

Golf clap...

Drinking all that liquor , I'd wager you got exactly what you deserved

IBTL and well played OP.

that's how I read it

You certainly worked hard at getting your ass kicked.
 

IBTL

ETA:  Dammit!  Wasted post!  

It's "Judy Chopped", dummy!  

In before the mods judo chop this thread.

I award you out of

Would have been higher if you had incorporated 87, Ryan's Steakhouse and Printer Repairman.

If this wasn't a parody, I would've sworn Ronnman was back on the boards.

ya.

What you did, I see it.

Bravo sir.

First post

Needs MS Paint

You had me until the tune up and finger inside you bit.

 

Tragic waste of good liquor.
 

Thinking the same thing.  The judo chop got me thinking.

"As it all started going black I heard him whisper “ready for your tune up?” and he put a finger inside of me."

Was it just a finger?

In before the mods neck punch this thread!

tag for epic thread.

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