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Posted: 5/16/2002 6:43:18 AM EST
[b]Dead Frog on a String[/b]

One day, a 12 year old boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string. He stomps up to the counter and says to the madam, "I wanna woman."

"I'm sorry," she says, "but we don't let boys your age have a woman." The little boy slams a hundred dollar bill down on the counter and says, "I wanna woman!" So the madam asks him what kind of woman he wants.

"A skanky one," he replies. "I want her to have AIDS, Syphilis, crabs, the works. I want the nastiest whore in the place."

Offended, the madam says, "We don't have women like that here." So the boy slams another hundred down, and the madam points to a room down the hall and says "last door on the right."

The boy walks down the hall, dragging his dead frog on a string, and goes into the room. He screws the hell out of the woman, and then leaves (still dragging his dead frog on a string). Just as he's getting ready to leave, the madam calls him over and asks why on earth he would want someone so nasty.

"Well, it's like this," he says, "I'm gonna go home about seven o'clock tonight, and I'm gonna have sex with my babysitter. Then when mom and dad come home about nine o' clock, dad's gonna take the babysitter home, and he's gonna screw her. Then dad's gonna come home, and him and mom are gonna go to bed, and they'll screw. In the morning, dad will leave for work, and the milkman will stop by, and mom will have sex with him.
Now here's where it all comes down you see!! I'm gonna really get him, because the milkman is the one that killed my damn frog!!"
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 6:45:53 AM EST
[b]Desert Island Rescue[/b]

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit....
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."  Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.

Man: "Oh thank you so much!"

Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"

Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"

Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.]  "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"

Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 6:53:19 AM EST
[b]What is sex?[/b]

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"

The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 6:54:16 AM EST
[b]Dildo shop[/b]

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and asks if he can handle it. The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees.
A few minutes later a white woman walks in and asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, they are the same price."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the blackdildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one also, they are the same price."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $150."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I wasgone?" The salesman responded, "I think I did pretty good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $150!"
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 8:06:20 AM EST

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son.  Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job.  Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate:  their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the crap out of college students!"
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 8:10:34 AM EST
In a Sunday School class the teacher was asking all sorts of questions about the bible and she got to the question

'What part of the body do you think goes to heaven

A little girl raises her hand and says,"I think your hands go to heaven first because they help you pray to God."

"Very good.",says the teacher,"anyone else?"

A little boy raises his hand and says,"I think it's your heart,'cause ya give your heart to the Lord!"

"That's a good one too",she says,"anyone else?"

A little girl raises her hand.

The teacher says,"Go ahead"

The little girl says,"I think your feet go to heaven first."

The teacher gave the girl a puzzled look,

"Why do you think your feet go to heaven first?"

The little girl smiles and says,"Well,last night I saw my mommy on her bed with her legs in the air saying 'Oh God,I'm coming'"
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 8:15:11 AM EST
[b][i]Not adult, but here's one for the Texans:[/b][/i]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh!  We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 8:16:53 AM EST
A doctor walked into a bank.

Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great.....some 's got my pen."
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 8:19:52 AM EST
ROTFLMAO!! Please keep them coming.

Link Posted: 5/16/2002 8:35:59 AM EST
Mother is making brownies. Dog come in chasing the cat, cat jumps up onto the counter to get away from the dog and manages to knock a box of BB's into the brownie mix.
Mother debates throwing them out, but instead decided to make them to feed to the birds.When she is done with the baking she puts the brownies in the 'fridge and goes out shopping.
A short while later her husband comes home from work, and seeing brownies eats a few.
A bit after that daughter comes home from band practice and eats a few.
Son comes home from football practice sees the brownies and parks on the couch and devours the rest.

When mom gets home & sees the brownies have been eaten she is slightly concerned but decides not to say anything.

Her husband comes in a bit later [b]VERY[/b] visibly shaken and says "honey their is somthing wrong...I am pissing BB's!!"
Mom replies "dont worry its just the brownies, it will pass"
Shortly theirafter daughter rushes into the kitchen demanding to be taken to the ER"but Mom , I'm peeing BB's!"
yet again mom replies"dont worry its just the brownies, it will pass"

A bit later the son walkes into the kitchen with tears srteeming down his face. The boy is hysterical. He says in between sobs" Mom, your not going to believe what just happned..."
Mom cuts him off saying " I know, I know you are peeing BB's. Dont worry its just the brownies , it will pass.
Son says, "no.....I was jacking off....and I shot the dog"
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 8:54:42 AM EST
[b]Goldfish Funeral[/b]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a  goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 8:59:55 AM EST
[b]Candy Test[/b]

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver one at a time and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.
The children began to say:

"Red ............ Cherry,"
"Yellow ......... Lemon,"
"Green ......... Lime,"
"Orange .......... Orange."

Finally the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Everybody, spit them out - they're assholes!!!"
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 9:40:42 AM EST
A farm kid comes in from school and his mother makes him start doing his chores before he's allowed to play. He's not very happy about this so he kicks a chicken on the way to the barn.

His mother sticks her head out the door and yells "No fried chicken for you tonight young man."

This really pisses him off so he kicks a cow in frustration.

His mother yells out the front door "No milk for you tonight young man."

A little later the father comes in from the fields and kicks the family cat off of the front steps.

The boy looks at his mother and asks "Are you going to tell him or can I?"
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 9:41:11 AM EST
Little Johnny was driving his mother crazy every day during summer vacation and she finally couldn't take it.  She suggested that he go outside and play.  "There's nothing to do outside.", replied Johnny.
"Well, why don't you go next door where the construction workers are remodeling the house, and watch them work for awhile?", asked his mom.

So, off Johnny went to watch the workers.  After a few hours, Johnny came back home and his mother asked him if he'd had a fun day.

"Sure did", replied Johnny, "One of the carpenters taught me how to hang a door."

"Great", said his mom, "Tell me how to hang a door."

Johnny explains the process, "First you grab that #$*%&@# door off the %&(#@%$ truck, then  you trim the ^$%%#@*& thing 'til it fits the opening.  Install the *&$%#^@!# lockset, and you're done."

Johnny's mother, angrier than she's ever been with him says, "Get to your room.  You know we don't use language like that in this house.  Just wait until your father gets home!"

Johnny goes to his room and about an hour later, his father comes in.
"I hear you did something very bad today, Johnny", says his father.

"I just went next door like mom wanted me to", replied Johnny, "A carpenter showed me how to install a door, and when I told mom what I learned, she got mad and sent me up here."

"Well that doesn't sound too bad", said the father, "Why don't you tell me how to install a door."

"Okay", said Johnny, "First you grab that #$*%&@# door off the %&(#@%$ truck, then  you trim the ^$%%#@*& thing 'til it fits the opening.  Install the *&$%#^@!# lockset, and you're done."

His father, now as angry as his mother says, "Young man, we've told you that you are not to use language like that.  You'll have to be punished.  Now, go outside and get me a switch and come back here when you've gotten one.  You're getting a spanking."

Johnny looks at him for a minute, and finally says, "A switch?  $%&# you, that's the electrician's job."
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 10:12:07 AM EST
Al Gore was taking a walk one day (he doesn’t jog) on the poor side of Carthage Tennessee and he came across a young boy playing with a box full of something on his front porch. Wondering what the boy was playing with, Al decided to go talk to him.
“What have you got in the box son?”
“Well sir, them is a fresh batch of kittens.”
“What kind of kittens are they son?”
“Well sir, them is Democrat kittens.”
Hearing this surprised and pleased Al Gore so he talked to the little boy for a while and played with the kittens and then was on his way.
A week or two went by and then one day Al and Bill Clinton were out for a walk in the same area and as they were walking Al spots the young boy on his front porch again and recalls what the child had said about the kittens. Thinking he would impress Bill, he told him to come over and talk to the boy with him about the special kittens he has.
“Hello son, remember me?”
“Yes sir, I do.”
“How are the kittens today?”
“They is fine sir.”
“Son, this is my friend Bill, can he see your kittens too?”
“Yes sir, I ‘spose he can.”
The boy shows the kittens to Bill and he wonders what is so special about the kittens, they look like any other kittens he has seen before.
“Tell my friend here what you said about the kittens last time I was here.” Says Al.
“You mean about what kind of kittens they is?” the boy asks.
“Yes son, tell my friend what kind of kittens you have here.”
“Well sir, these here is Republican kittens.”
“WHAT!? I thought you said they were Democrat kittens!” says Al with shock in his voice.
“Yes sir, they was Democrat kittens.”
“What happened?” asks Al
“Well sir, now they’s got their eyes open!”
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 11:16:39 AM EST
[b]Easter Sunday[/b]

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he'd better open this one.

So it read: “Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check.  Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.  I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?”

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter off. Everyone dug into his/her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made rounds, he had $96, which he put into an envelope and sent to the widow. The rest of the day, all the postal workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read, “Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?  Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.  By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office.”
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 11:42:55 AM EST
Last week my 10 year old son asked me, "What's a cunt?"  Knowing my wife was sleeping in the other room I decided to show him.  I pulled back the covers, pointed toward her crotch and said, " That's a vagina,  the rest of her is a cunt!"
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 11:47:20 AM EST
St. Peter is milling about the Pearly Gates one day when Jesus approaches him,

"Peter, you've been working here a while without a vacation.  Tell you what, why don't you take a break and I'll cover for you?"

"Are you sure," Peter asks.

"Absolutely,"  Jesus responds.

So Peter takes the next beam of light to Hawaii and Jesus is left alone at the gate.

After a while a man approaches.

"Welcome to Heaven," Jesus says. " My name is Jesus.  We here in Heaven like to get to know all our prospective residents.  So first, I'd like to ask you your name."

"My name is Joseph," the man says.

"Wow, that's quite a coincidence," Jesus replies. "My dad on Earth was named Joseph too!  So tell me Joseph, what did you do on earth?  What was your occupation?"

"I was a Carpenter," the man says.

"MINE TOO!" Jesus says with amazement. "Did you have any kids on Earth Joseph?"

"Yes, I had ONE SON," the old man replies.

Jesus is understandable stunned.  "Tell me Joseph the Carpenter," His voice shaking, "Did your son have any distinguishing characteristics?"


"DDDDad?" Jesus asks?

"Pinnochio?" the old man replies.
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 12:15:13 PM EST
Why'd they bury the bajo player 12' down?

Cause deep down they're really not that bad.

Link Posted: 5/16/2002 5:44:35 PM EST
The Titanic is sinking.  The reverend runs past screaming "Save the children!!!" throws some children in a lifeboat.

The rabbi runs by, pushes a bunch of children out of the way and dives into the lifeboat screaming "Fuck the children!!!"

The priest runs by.  "I already did!"
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 6:07:02 PM EST
A Texan and An Okie are sitting under a tree watching a herd of sheep go by. The Texan gets up, grabs one of the sheep, sticks its front feet in a pickett fence and its rear feet in his boots and proceeds to get busy.... The Okie watches, with a curious look... The Texan looks back at the Okie and asks- hey boy- you want some of this? The Okie thinks a minute, looks around, then says, well.. OK.. but you're not gonna stick my feet through the fence are ya?
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 6:41:52 PM EST
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 9:43:43 PM EST
How do you keep a dog from hunching on your leg?

Pick it up and suck it's dick.
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 11:04:29 PM EST
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of using the Men's Room.  Each time he tried the door it was occupied. The Stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested that he use the Ladies Room, but cautioned him against pressing any of the buttons on the wall.

The buttons were marked "WW", "WA", "PP", and "ATR".

Eventually his curiosity got the better of him and sitting there, he carefully pressed the first button marked "WW". Immediately warm water sprayed gently over his entire ass!  

He thought, golly, the gals really have it made!

Still curious he pressed the next button marked "WA". Warm air dried his ass completely.  This he thought, was out of this world!

The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which patted his ass lightly with a scented powder.  Naturally, he just couldn't resist the last one marked "ATR".

When he awoke in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.  When she appeared, he cried out, "what the hell happened??  The last thing I remembered was being in the ladies room on aboard a plane".  

The nurse replied, "Yes, you were, but you were cautioned about pressing the buttons.  You pressed the button marked "ATR" which stands for Automatic Tampax Remover."
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 11:08:23 PM EST
[b]The Perfect Dump]/b]

Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump

Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump

Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves your ass.  The chili dump stays with you all day, leaving your bunghole feeling like a heat shield.

The Cable Dump

Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone Co-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "Did I do that and where did it come from?"  You leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

The Mona Lisa Dump

This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be.  Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep.  And just think, you made it yourself.  You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.

The Empty Roll Dump

You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder.  A mild panic begins coldly in your throat.  You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?"  Then what would you say?  The rug?...too cumbersome.  Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

The Splash Back Dump

You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock.  Now you're wet and embarrassed.  Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 11:09:12 PM EST
The Aborted Dump

You are in mid-dump when the phone rings.  What do you do? ABORT!  Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later.  It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.

The Caesarian Dump

Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common.  Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help.

The Alfresco Dump - Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time.  This can be a rather pleasant experience really.  The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed.  What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of Brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

The Childbirth Dump

This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose.  You sit there, thinking over your dilemma.  First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better.  You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again.  You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf".  You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom.  Basically there are only three things you can do:

1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell you have enough Vaseline to get you through it.

The Tijuana Trot Dump

The phrase "Shit Happens" really applies here in a big way.  When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins.  For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position.  Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.

The Machine Gun Dump

You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire.  The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump

You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit.  Timing is obviously very important here.  At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:

1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 11:09:50 PM EST
The Security Dump

You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode.  So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door.  If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly.

The Cling-On Dump

For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient.  Someone else wants to use your stall.  So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water.  Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors or at least a pair of tweezers.

The Houdini Dump

You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared.  Where'd it go?  Did it creep down the pipe?  Did you dream the whole thing?  Is it lurking out of sight?  Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went.  Should you flush?  You'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

The Flu Dump

You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first.  You have roaring cramps, so you sit down.  Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down.  Don't you wish Mom were close by?

The Porta-Pottie Dump

Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet.  My best description would be, "Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin".  Its claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup.

The Proctologist Dump

In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas.  That's right, you run out of propulsion.  The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further.  You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here.  One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time.  The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself.  Not a pretty picture is it??

The Whole Roll Dump

No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too.  The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Graffiti Dump

You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it.  Its your choice.

The Encore Dump

Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming.  You have to return for a curtain call.  The world's record is seven encores.

The Born Again Dump

This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 11:16:51 PM EST
A guy boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.

He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The second guy answers, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest tits in the world was behind the counter. So instead of saying I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh.

She socked me one." The first guy answers, "That's what they call a Freudian slip".

A similar thing happened to me. I was at the breakfast table, and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pass the Wheaties".

But I accidentally said " You fucking bitch, you ruined my life."
Link Posted: 5/16/2002 11:19:04 PM EST
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.  He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he's getting pretty excited.  He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"

"EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up
a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"  She nods.  

"Well, it's just like that."

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.  A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

Link Posted: 5/17/2002 6:38:34 AM EST

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"

"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."

"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day"

"Does anyone know another word."

"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.

Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.

"OK Mike, what is your word."

"Saturday." says Mike.

"Great, that has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob', that's only two syllables!"
Link Posted: 5/17/2002 6:42:31 AM EST
[b]Wine, Anyone?[/b]

A man enters his favorite restaurant and, while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to  her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman.

She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know-I happen to have a Rolls, BMW, and a Mercedes in my garage; plus I have over two million dollars in the bank: But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my penis! Just send the bottle back!"
Link Posted: 5/17/2002 8:13:59 AM EST

1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."

2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

3) "How come it's so BIG in there?"

4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"

5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"

6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"

7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better blow jobs!"

9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."

10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is ?"

11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."

12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"

14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !"

16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately-------"

17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave ?"

18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in
Link Posted: 5/17/2002 8:15:21 AM EST
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road LRRH sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr Wolf", says LRRH. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track LRRH sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf", taunts LRRH.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you fuck off!!!  I'm trying to take a shit!!!".
Link Posted: 5/17/2002 8:18:22 AM EST
A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quivering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-dildos h-here?"

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered "Uh, yes, ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked , "D-do y-you ha-aave any ab-bb-bout th-this l-long?"

"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny ofth- them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well... Yes, a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a w-w-vv-ii-bra-a-ator?"

"Yes, Ma'am, one of them does."

"W-w-w-el-ll, h-h-h-how d-do y-you t-t-t--turn it off-f-f-f?"
Link Posted: 5/17/2002 1:58:55 PM EST
A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quivering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-dildos h-here?"

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered "Uh, yes, ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked , "D-do y-you ha-aave any ab-bb-bout th-this l-long?"

"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny ofth- them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well... Yes, a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a w-w-vv-ii-bra-a-ator?"

"Yes, Ma'am, one of them does."

"W-w-w-el-ll, h-h-h-how d-do y-you t-t-t--turn it off-f-f-f?"
View Quote

So THAT'S what's wrong with Janet Reno!
Link Posted: 5/17/2002 2:19:47 PM EST
A man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.

Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?

Man: What sins?

Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?

Man: I'm Jewish

Priest: Why are you telling me all this?

Man: I'm telling everybody.

Link Posted: 5/17/2002 2:20:52 PM EST
One for the ladies.

A famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?

To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

Link Posted: 5/18/2002 7:47:26 AM EST
[b]Bad Dates[/b]

* Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother

* She beats the crap out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut

* You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her

* You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh

* You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass

* At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic

* You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno

* At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill

* She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan

* She is better hung than you

* She constantly complains that her cat won't stop laughing at her
Link Posted: 5/18/2002 7:58:07 AM EST
A Guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.

But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?".

The guy says "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for example is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just do it.'

That guy at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really satisfies!"

The customer looked dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it

over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the

name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty customer asks "Why TIMEX?"

"Because, it takes a lickin', and keeps on tickin'."

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a margarita and says,

"So, what do you call your penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly says, "FORD, because 'Quality is job one."

Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before

he comes up with a name for his penis.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,

"The name of my penis is 'Secret'. Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The customer says, "Because IT'S STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN,


Link Posted: 5/18/2002 8:13:16 AM EST
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing! She's already been told twice!
Link Posted: 5/18/2002 8:21:53 AM EST
A man walks into a bar.

Man: "Bartender, I was soooo drunk last night I went home and blew chunks."

Bartender: "Oh, that's nothing, we had a guy in here last night that went home, wrecked his car, got in a fight with his wife, knocked over a candle and burnt his house down."

Man: "No, you don't understand, 'Chunks' is my dog!"
Link Posted: 5/18/2002 8:53:34 AM EST
The director of the FBI's right hand man and personal body guard is retiring and he needs to find a suitable replacement so he summons his top advisor and asks him to find him the best three candidates.  A few days later all three candidates are assembled and the director announces the he must test their loyalty with a special test and he brings the first man into his office and hands him a revolver.  "I need to test your loyalty and ability to follow my orders so here take this gun and go into the next room and shoot your wife."  The man takes the gun and goes into the room but returns after only a few seconds.  "I cant do it he says  My wife and I have been marred 21 years and we just had our first grandchild I cant do it!"  Okay your fired now get out of year and send in the next man the director bellows.
    The second man walks in and the director says "I need to test your loyalty take this gun and go into the next room and shoot your wife"   The man takes the gun and starts to open the door into the next room but stops and turns to the director and says "I'm sorry I love my wife very much, she's the world to me I just couldn't do"     The director takes the gun from him and says "Okay your fired, get out and send in the last man.   The last man comes in and the director says "I need to test your loyalty to me take this gun and go into the next room and shoot your wife.  The man takes the gun and goes into the room and suddenly there are gunshots BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG    then there is the sound of breaking glass lots of crashing and wood breaking.  A few minutes pass and the man comes out of the room and the director asks "What happened in there?"  The man replies," Some son of a bitch put six blanks in this gun and I had to finish her off with a lamp and a chair!"
Link Posted: 5/18/2002 9:07:26 AM EST
A young man and his wife have to make a very difficult decision about putting the mans father into a home.  Finally after much deliberating and argument they get the father to agree to move into the nursing home.  Dad's first day in the home is uneventful until its time for his afternoon sponge bath which is given by a 19 year old volunteer nurse and she is sponging him all over when she notices that he's become aroused and she eventually ends up performing oral sex for him.  When this is done Dad calls up his son ecstatic and tell him, "Son I love this place and never want to leave, thank your for sending me here"  In his excitement to call his son Dad forget that he was still wearing his gown and as he hurriedly walks back to his room he falls face down with his butt sticking up in the air.  Just then a 275 lb. gay orderly  happens to be walking by and decides to take advantage of the situation and gives it to Dad right in the brown eye.   When Dad can finally get back to his feet he limps back to the phone and calls back his son.  "Son you have to get me out of here, I don't think I can take it here its to much to bear!"  son says " What, I don't understand you just told me you loved it there!"  Dad replies, yeah but I only get a hard on once a month, I fall down three or four times a day!
Link Posted: 5/18/2002 7:12:47 PM EST
A guy visits a zoo and buys a bag of peanuts to feed the animals. He throws a peanut to a monkey. The monkey sticks the peanut up his ass and then eats it.

Surprised, the man throws the monkey another peanut. Again, the monkey sticks the peanut up his ass before eating it.

The guy finds a zoo keeper and tells him there's something wrong with one of the monkeys, describing its actions.

The zoo keeper replies, "There's nothing to worry about. He's perfectly all right. You see, last week some woman gave him a large peach. He had so much trouble passing the pit, now he measures everything first."
Link Posted: 5/19/2002 3:30:54 AM EST

Little BILLY returns from school and says he got an F
in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said " 6,"
replies BILLY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

What's the fucking difference? " asks the father.

"That's what I said!"


Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says,
"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words,
class.  Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word? "

BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, " Wow, little BILLY,
that's a mouthful."

Little BILLY says, No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of
a blowjob."


Little BILLY was sitting in class one day. All of a
sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled
out, " Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, " Now, BILLY, that is NOT the
proper word to use in this situation. The correct word
you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word
'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow
you to go.

Little BILLY, thinks for a bit, then says, " You're an
eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"



One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher
asked for a show of hands from those who could use the
word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she
looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then
called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned
out beautifully."

She said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher
reluctantly called on little BILLY.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my
father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful,
just fucking beautiful!"
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