A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
Yeah, judgement is always funny, isn't it?
I realize it's just a joke and not supposed to mean anything but did you know that Jonah said he was in hell when he was in the belly of the fish? Also, he wanted to commit suicide to get himself out of the torment of disobedience. THat sorta turns the joke on its head a bit, doesn't it?
Lighten up (St.) Francis.
It is the day of the big wedding in Cana. Mary and Joseph along with their son Jesus are in attendance. During the reception, the couple ran out of wine. The groom and his father are embarrassed because they hadn't enough money to provide enough wine and don't want to lose face with the brides family and guests.
Jesus intervenes and turns all the water to the finest wine. As the reception goes on, everyone is having a wonderful time and commenting on the excellent quality of the wine...including Joseph. Joseph has apparently enjoyed a bit too much of the wine.
The following morning, Joseph has a monster of a hangover. Mary being ever so attentive to him asks, "Joseph, is there anything I can do? Is there anything I can get for you?"
Joseph replies..."A glass of cool water would be wonderful...BUT DON'T LET THAT BOY NEAR IT!!"
In highschool I told my chemistry teacher to follow his father...six feet under. Yes, I said it in front of the entire class. No, I don't regret it one bit.
Hey guys, those are pretty good!
Of course, the KJV Bible states that Jonah was swallowed by a FISH, not necessarily a whale. There are giant fish in the ocean capable of swallowing a person.
Here's one for ya:
Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. The gatekeeper at the gate to heaven says, "There are too many people in heaven, so you have to pass this new quiz to get in."
Gump says, "Okay..."
The gatekeeper says, "First question: What two days of the week begin with 'T'?"
Gump replies, "That's easy. Today and tomorrow."
The gatekeeper says, "Well, I didn't think of that, so I'll give it to you. Second question: How many seconds are in a year?"
Gump says, "12, January 2nd, February 2nd..."
The gatekeeper says, "That wasn't quite what I was thinking, but I'll give that one to you. Last question: What is God's first name?"
Gump replies, "Howard."
The gatekeeper says, "How on earth did you get 'Howard'?"
Gump says, "Oh, it's common sense. Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name."
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.
As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."
Mendelson is dying. "Call the preist," he says to his wife, "and tell him I want to convert."
"But Max, you've been an Orthodox Jew all your life. What are you talking about, you want to convert?"
" Better one of them should die than one of us!"
Jesus said it was a whale:
Mt 12:40 For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth.
But just to show I can appreciate a joke, here's my entry:
Three local clergymen got together for their monthly interfaith breakfast — a Catholic priest, a Jewis Rabbi and a Baptist preacher. As they were visiting the priest brought up a problem he was having with bats nesting in the church's belfry. It turns out all three ministers had the same problem so they decided to compare solutions. The priest explained that he had trying smoking the bats out but that didn't work. The Rabbi said he tried moth balls but that didn't work either. The Baptist said he merely baptized the bats one Sunday and he hasn't seen them in the church since . . .
Batta-bing . . . thank you all for coming. Don't forget to enjoy the buffet . . .
A Rabbi and a priest were discussing their professions.
"Do you ever get ambitious?" asked the priest.
"Well, said the Rabbi, "I soppose I could always move to a larger congregation. What about you?"
"Well, I suppose I could become a Cardinal."
"Well it's theorectically possible that I could become the Pope."
"And then?" asked the Rabbi.
"And then?" repeated the priest. "Isn't that enough?" Do you want me to become God?"
"Well, said the Rabbi softly, "one of our boys made it."
Originally Posted By Bladeswitcher:
Jesus said it was a whale
What would he know about it?
A rich man prays that he would take his wealth with him when he dies.....
After many years of this pray God sends an angel down to him " God has heard your prayers and is getting tired of the same request, so he is granting your request"
The man is thrilled, he works even harder the rest of his life to become evern richer.
Upon his death is finds himself rolling a wheel barrel full of gold up to the Pearly Gates....
St. Pete says " Your're here! We have been waiting for you for a long time. Go inside on the right"
The man is excited, not only did he get to take it with him, but they have been waiting for him and his place is right inside the gate, feeling pretty good about himself he pushes his load in.
And finds a pothole just insided the gate on the right.
An elderly Jew was admitted to a Catholic hospital for an operation.
A nun asked him who would be responsible for the bill, and the old man replied,"My only living relative is my sister, but she is an old maid who converted to Catholicism and became a nun."
"Just a minute," said the nun. "I'll have you know that we are not old maids, we are married to Jesus Christ!"
"Fine," said the old man.
"In that case, send the bill to my brother-in-law!"
A Jewish man lives into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday The Catholics are driven crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him to Catholicism. Finally, after much pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and says, "Born a Jew, Raised a Jew, Now a Catholic."
The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the grill cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish."
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered.
Three recent converts to Christianity were being tested.
"What is Easter?" the first man was asked.
"Easter is when Jesus was born."
"Go back and study," they said to him. "Next!"
"What is Easter?"
"Easter," said the second man,"was when Jesus split the Red Sea."
"I'm sorry," he was told. "You'll have to do some more studying. "Next!"
"What is Easter?". the third man was asked.
"Easter," he said tentatively, "was when Christ was reborn."
"Excellent. Please continue."
"Well," said the man cautiously, "he was in the grave for three days."
"Very good; and then?"
"And he came out, saw his shadow and went back in!"
You are correct!
Perhaps it was a whale shark!?
His name is changed from Jonah to Jonas.
Jonah 1:17 Now the LORD had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.
Jonah 2:1 Then Jonah prayed unto the LORD his God out of the fish's belly,
Jonah 2:10 And the LORD spake unto the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land.
Matthew 12:40 For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth.
Two Jews walk into a Mosque.
...they bought it.
A Baptist evangelist felt a call on his life — a seemingly impossible call — he was to convert the Pope. Trusting that God would not give him this mission if it could not be fulfilled the Baptist caught a flight to Rome and rented a room in a local boarding house. Each day he went to the papal residence in Vatican City and knocked on the door and explained that he was there to see the Pope because God told him to convert the Pope to the Baptist faith. Each day, the guards at the residence sent him away. One day, back at the rooming house, the Baptist seemed a little down in the dumps. The man who took out the trash and cleaned up around the place asked kindly "whatzamatter you?" The Baptist explained that he was in Rome to see the Pope so he could convert him but he could not get an audience. To the evangelist's amazement the kindly janitor said he and the Pope were old friends and volunteered to speak to him on the Baptist 's behalf. The next day, after dinner, the janitor told the Baptist that the Pope had agreed to see him but only on one condition: The two would debate which faith — Baptist or Catholic — was the correct one but that it must be a silent debate. If the Pope won the Baptist would go home and leave him alone. If he lost, the Pope would convert and become a Baptist . Confused, but hopeful that God would find a way the Baptist agreed. Any audience was better than none, he reasoned. The day of the big debate came and the Baptist , along with all his new friends at the boarding house went to the papal residence to meet with the Pope, who was accompanied by a large group of Cardinals. They tossed a coin, the Pope won the toss and decided to go first. He held up one finger very emphatically. Now it was the Baptist 's turn. He held up three fingers just as emphatically as the Pope held up one. Then the Pope made a great sweeping motion with his arm and brought the tip of his index finger down on past his left shoulder. The Baptist drove his index finger forcefully into the palm of his hand. The Pope then he took a sip of wine out of a golden goblet. The Baptist took a bite out of an apple. At this the Pope threw up his hands admitted defeat and agreed to convert. All the cardinals standing by the Pope were astonished and asked the Pope to explain what had happened. The Pope held up his finger again and said, we believe there is but one God and only him shall you serve. The Baptist held up three fingers and said his church is based on the belief of the trinity: the father, son and holy ghost. I then said we trace our faith all the way back to the early church. He responded that God was alive in his believers right here today. The Pope then explained that his drink of wine showed that Catholics received Christ through Holy Communion but the Baptist countered that his religion could address the sin of mankind symbolized by the fruit Eve ate in the Garden of Eden. At that point, the Pope said, I knew I was defeated. While the Pope was explaining the course of the debate to his cardinals, the janitor and all the boarding house fellows were asking the evangelist to explain the debate. THe Baptist was just as confused as everyone else. He had no idea what happened but this is how he explained it. The Pope began by saying he'd give me one day to leave Rome and go home. I told him it would take me at least three to pack up and leave. He again insisted that I go all the way home. I said, I'm staying right here. He ate his lunch. I ate mine and then he gave up.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Jehovah's witness?
A: Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason at all . . . .
Q: Why won't Baptists have sex standing up?
A: It could lead to dancing . . .
Originally Posted By Aerospace_Engineer:
[Perhaps it was a whale shark!?
His name is changed from Jonah to Jonas.
The name is Yonah, and yes, it was a fish.
expect a visite from the Unitarian Jihad for your heresy!!
Brother Shotgun of Compassion
Can't believe these haven't been posted, yet . . .
Little Johnny wanted a pony and it was getting close to Christmas. He wasn't so sure about the whole Santa thing, so he decided to write a letter to Jesus. He began the letter, "Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy" then realized that if Santa knew who was naughty and nice, then surely Jesus did too. Then he tried, "Dear Jesus, I really need . . . " but realized he didn't really need it.
Stumped, he sat at his desk and then noticed the statue of Mary in front of him. He carefully wrapped her in a handkerchief and slipped her in a drawer. Then he picked up his pen and wrote
"Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again . . .
Jim gets to heaven and he finds two lines waiting to get in. One is extremely long and has a sign at the front "Men who were bossed around by their wives." The other has a sign "Men who were head of their house" and it only has one scrawny guy in it.
Jim's curiosity get's the better of him and he walks over to the man. "Hey, buddy what's your secret?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well everyone else is in the other line and you're by yourself over here."
"Oh, that," the guy replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
During the flooding in New Orleans and old preacher prayed to God to save him from the rising flood waters.
A short time later, a friend came by in a 4x4. The preacher told him, "Go save someone else, I'm trusting in God."
The waters rose and a deputy sheriff came by in a boat. The preacher told him, "Go save someone else, I'm trusting in God."
The waters rose more and the preacher was perched on the very top of the roof when a National Guard helicopter swooped down. The preacher told them, "Go save someone else, I'm trusting in God."
The waters rose more, the preacher drowned and went to heaven. A little angry, the preacher walked up to God and said, "God, what's the deal? I prayed. I trusted you and you let me drown!"
God replied, "I sent a truck, a boat and a helicopter. What more did you want?"