Posted: 10/25/2004 3:54:01 PM EDT
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Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French". |
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Saturday morning a deer hunter gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the gun and goes to the garage to warm up his truck and head down to his favorite hunting area. He backs his truck out of the garage and discovers the rain is really poring down, It is like a torrential downpour. There is also some snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 MPH. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so minutes later, he puts his truck in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is really terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid ass husband is out hunting in that shit?" |
That's the way I heard it. 
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A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars. |
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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7" Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, switch sides." |
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Subject: Redneck Letter Home > > > >Dearest Redneck Son, > >I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't >live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the >newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, >so we moved. > >I won't be able to send you the address because the last West >Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they >moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. > >This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not >sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We >haven't seen them since. > >The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the >first time for three days and the second time for four days. > >About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it >would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we >cut them off and put them in the pockets. > >Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried >because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. > >Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what >it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby >looks just like your brother. > >Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried >to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him >cremated, he burned for three days. > >Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch >was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your >other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they >couldn't get the tailgate down. > >There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the >normal has happened. > >Your Favorite Aunt, > >Mom |