South African Spider Monkey!

FB post by Matt Walsh (news personality) ETA: to be clear, these aren't my words, I just found this post by Matt Walsh on FB.

Dear Target, thank you for being so "inclusive" as to allow men who identify as women to use the rest room with women who identify as women. Some people believe safety, privacy, dignity, and reality are more important considerations than political correctness, but it's wonderful to see you taking a stand against those bigots. Why should our wives and daughters be treated with decency when there are cross dressing dudes to appease? Again, thank you for your bravery.

Now, since we are in an era of acceptance and tolerance, I feel comfortable revealing that I have, for quite some time now, self-identified as a South American spider monkey. As a member of the spider monkey community, I prefer to use the bathroom anywhere. This could include the men's bathroom, the women's bathroom, the parking lot, aisle 12, the conveyor belt at the cash register, etc. This is what makes me most comfortable. The fact that it makes everyone else decidedly less comfortable is not my concern. This is all about me. Everything revolves around me and my feelings, you understand.

I will need you to place signs throughout the store indicating that trans-creature Americans may relieve themselves in whatever place and whatever manner best fits their species preference. Of course I'm also going to need you to abolish the narrow-minded, discriminatory, speciesphobic store policy that prohibits non-human mammals from even entering the premises to begin with. This is the year 2016, Target. Those kinds of policies belong back in the days of Jim Crow. Not to be confused with my friend Jim the Crow, who identifies as a crow, and therefore might be found in your parking lot picking through your garbage and defecating on the cars. The only appropriate response to this behavior is applause.

It's nice that you have begun the process of abandoning reality in favor of the confusions and fetishes of severely disturbed people, but I must insist that you complete this evolution promptly.

Spider monkeys do not deserve to be left out.

I am an oppressed minority, and anyone who refuses to bend to my emotional whims is a despot in the same league as Hitler.

Please correct this problem at once, and repent of your wicked ways.

Thank you.

Regards,

Bubbles the Monkey

Bravo.............  Amen......   you  my friend win the internet

I self identify as Alyson Hannigan's panties.

I will be her flute

Dear Target:

I self-identify as the Queen of France.

Henceforth and forthwith, you shall instruct all Target employees that they must address me as "Your Highness".

They must also assiduously refrain from looking at me directly in the eyes, rather they must keep their gaze at no higher than waist level.

Failure to do so will cost you and your shareholders dearly.

Sincerely,

Doofus (the Queen of France)

You're gonna fling poo aren't you?

This has real potential. I'm serious. This could be lots of fun.



Especially when you do it in a state senate.

Oh hell yes I will!

Stunning.

Awesome!

You want feelings?

This is how you get feelings.

I self identify as Bill Gates and demand immediate access to my fortune.

Please PLEASE tell me he actually sent that!!!!

I self-identify as the greatest trumpet player in the world, and I'm currently suing the New York Phil for not giving me an audition.

I like the way you think.

Nice

Maybe 20 years ago. Have you seen a recent picture?

Yeah.    Sooooooo guilty!

Bump

Should we start a legitimate SASM community?