Posted: 10/14/2002 7:43:35 PM EDT
|
To all my brothers and sisters who have been by my side for the last year. Today was just to much. You see I forgot all my training and what to do in these situations. I said the worse think I can SAY....F-it...I don't know why I didn't talk about it or go to my group. I made every excuse not to. OH They will not understand BS after BS... To see those hotels blown up in Bali sent something into me related to WTC and a time called Happy Land cafe. I just cannot have you envision the smells and the people looking like marshmallows burnt. Those words 'ONLY DENTAL RECORDS". Ladies and Gents I F$%ked-up. I picked up a Corona today. I didn't turn to my GOD OF UNDERSTANDING or my Sponsor. I drank It and another. Then my son made me stop. DAM I Crossed that line after so much time trying to do the right thing and BS to some of you, who have asked for help. I HAVE FAILED YOU. My whole life has been about failure..Failure to save one single person at the WTC, Failure to get a TRUE plain of action. Allowing myself to get injured. That's it I can't drink those poor people in Bally..Burnt to crisps, the explosions. People putting the names on the wall. Just like Bellevue and the other hospitals in the area. I got a letter of Violation going back to 10-01 to 9-11-02 not calling in when I went out. About 10 or 12 times in a year. They can now take me off LODI for failure to follow the process. They don't know I was properly Zonked out by Pain killers after PT. Or the line was busy and I truly forgot to call....YES IT WAS MY FAULT. I just don't know anymore..I cannot handle the screams over the radio in my head...COULD you hear us...we are trapped at South Tower.Come and get us 4th with.....Pulling those arms and legs that just crumpled like over burnt sticks. The Skin burnt off faces making them look like they were smiling. I can't pick up another drink.I doesn't take the pain away.THey want me to pick some money up from your hard work the Lutheran Children relief fund has some money tro give me. They want me to go down 2 Blocks from Ground Zero on RECTOR ST. I thought I would get some courage up, But I couldn't go to the Madison Square Memorial.There I didn't; belong. I didn't save some kids Mom or Father.....I can't GO TO THIS PLACE. its' WAY TO CLOSE TO ground zero. ill LET YOU IN TO ANOTHER SECRET HAVE NOT BEEN TO THE NAM wall in Washington EITHER AND I DON'T VOTE. I KNOW I AM GOING TO REGRET THIS IN A COUPLE OF HOURS.. But I love all of you and I now feel Like I let you all down Forgive me You all have been my family through the worst times in my life. I just want the dreams to go away GOD PLEASE HELP ME Get back into Recovery |
|
Hey dude....I've been their, done that. It ain't the same as your situation, but close enough. Itr's gonna hurt and it's gonna hurt bad. But tommorrow is another day...another meeting. Nothing failed...no one...no sponser...no God. Sometimes shit happens and it sucks. The bets news about hitting a bottom is that you can only go up. The 4 hideous horseman are only temorary, [i]please believe me on this[/i]. Your soul is still there...I know it and Gods knows it. Now go to bed and IM me in the morning. Together we will work it out. Sgtar15 |
|
Hey edp... Get some help. And you know me, I am not saying this in a mean way... You say you had a few beers.... are you a recovering alcoholic? While this is not good, at least you realize it is not the answer and you can start over. Can you take someone with you to Rector Street? It might help if you are not alone... I have to go now... but feel free to email me. And by the way.... I don't forgive you... because there is nothing to forgive. You are one of the good guys even if you are down right now. Take care of yourself ok? Jim |
|
EdP/Marc, please don't beat yourself up over a small slip. Shit happens, man. Take life one day at a time, for thats all one can do. My personal best wishes to you and your family. Take care, Larry Edit.. Damn, first time I've actually cried while reading a thread here. Marc, I'm as close as a simple IM. If you need to talk, consider me here for you.. |
|
Marc, Don't be so hard on yourself. We all screw up sometimes. You can't change that. All you can control is what you do afterwards. You took a drink. So what can you do. DON'T TAKE ANOTHER ONE. Call your sponsor. Talk to someone. Get some help. We're all praying for you man. You are not alone. |
|
edpmedic, We are the sum of our experiences and our actions, one slip is not a reflection of your character. You are a good man in a tough time. You are among friends. Tomorrow is another day. Don't let this eat you up without getting help. There is no shame in that. There are not many of us left, and we cannot afford to lose another. |
| You have described Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Survivor Guilt, Intrusive Thoughts, Flashbacks and a drinking problem. It can get better, but it takes a lot of work. You can start by asking for help and visiting the hospital. Do whatever it takes, and remember that nobody you care about wants you to feel this way. If you didn't have a good heart and a good brain, none of this would bother you. You are one of the good guys, we need you. |
|
Marc, there is NO WAY IN [b]HELL[/b] that you have let ANYONE down. You've gone through more shit than any man should in 100 lifetimes. It got to you for a minute. We LOVE you. We RESPECT you. We WANT you around. Call you sponsor, and remember that we are here for you. I wish to God I could do more. |
|
From one to another... "glad you're here!" I don't know if you were frustrated/pissed/suicidal, or what, but I had a guy in the program tell me a long time ago that if you ever get to the BIG f-it (offing yourself), then for God's sake, take a drink, do a drug, - whatever! Not at all an "excuse" to drink, but a reminder that for an alk, there are worse things than even drinking. Just have to remember that for an alk, drinking *is* suicide - some quicker - some slower. Enough rambling. Hope I made at least a little sense. Love you, man. BTW - you didn't fail me - AFAIK - you haven't done anything to me! Except remind me how fragile sobriety can be. Thank you! Now go get back on that horse! |
|
Marc, My thoughts echo kpel308's exactly. Don't beat yourself up for making a mistake. You're human and you have to accept that you will make mistakes from time to time. You have a pretty big group of folks who care about you on this site. None of us will ever judge you, we just want to help. You haven't failed anyone. Just hang in there, okay? |
|
Well I just woke up thinking it was a dream...Then I see the 2 bottles laying there. First thing is go pour the other case out. It's been in my garage since the start of the summer. My wife and me had BBQ's with family. IT NEVER PHASED my mind to pick one up. Last 2 weeks been sitting in the garage Reloading and looking at the boxes. I should have known then. But instead of talking about it at a meeting I didn't. All of a sudden I get done about 9:30 reloading. I wash up and pick one up. 17 yrs of sobriety gone in a couple of seconds. I sit in meetings and say NOT ME. Not after all these years. Compliancy got the better of me. Now to walk into a meeting and say I have one day back. I will not beat myself up for it. I spoke to my sponsor and friends. Just to bad it was after the fact.THANKS EVERYONE. I Will be ok and have to do some more step work. Thank God it's out and I didn't go on a mission. THANK YOU GOD for that.... |
|
Hang in there man. Just take things one minute at a time if need be. Just remember that there are plenty of people (including myself) that will be thinking about you and praying for you. You havent let anyone down. Sh*t happens. No way around it. Dont start now by letting your self down. Keep your chin up, and as was our motto in Basic, [b]"Always Forward!"[/b]. John |
|
Marc, if this is the first time you've fallen off the wagon in 17 years, it sounds like you have already got the will inside of you. It's just a little weakened by some of the hideous shit you've been through. You are a champ and we all know it. You will persevere. Just remember, the ugliness is out there, not inside. |
|
Quoted: Well I just woke up thinking it was a dream...Then I see the 2 bottles laying there. First thing is go pour the other case out. It's been in my garage since the start of the summer. My wife and me had BBQ's with family. IT NEVER PHASED my mind to pick one up. Last 2 weeks been sitting in the garage Reloading and looking at the boxes. I should have known then. But instead of talking about it at a meeting I didn't. All of a sudden I get done about 9:30 reloading. I wash up and pick one up. 17 yrs of sobriety gone in a couple of seconds. I sit in meetings and say NOT ME. Not after all these years. Compliancy got the better of me. Now to walk into a meeting and say I have one day back. I will not beat myself up for it. I spoke to my sponsor and friends. Just to bad it was after the fact.THANKS EVERYONE. I Will be ok and have to do some more step work. Thank God it's out and I didn't go on a mission. THANK YOU GOD for that.... [b]Great Horny Toads![/b] I thought ya had maybe a year,(since after 9/11). I've got 14 years, end of this month. Thanks for reminding me it's 1 day at a time Marc. Sounds like yer back on track, G*d Bless, and take care... |
|
Got sick has a dog today about 10AM...I mean sick. It smelt like the night before. Made some meetings anyway I remember going sick like that...It's hard to say got one day back, but it shows If you don't work the program and keep it simple...your bound to fall. JUST FOR TODAY and thanks everyone.. |
|
Marc the only people you need to answer to will not be found here... Look in the mirror and tell that man you love him and he is worth fighting for. Hug your wife and tell her she is your strength. Be there for your kids and let this experience teach you patience and forgiveness and to love without reservation. Pray to the Lord in whatever maneer you do and accept his love and forgiveness. Most of all Marc, if you need to talk, reach out to us. I didn't work the pile, but I was at Ground Hero and I will never forget the sight or smell and I will never be prouder of anyone than I was of the men and women who were doing what I likely wouldn't have had the strength to do. May God stand between you and all the dark places you must walk. Hiram |
|
You are an extraordanary man who went through extraordanary circumstances; you ahve not failed any of us; you have done that which many of us could not fathom; we thank you, brother. My prayers are with you; even the mightiest of giants sometimes stumble. You are our hero; nothing more, nothing less. Thank you. |
|
Mark, Ditto everything Hiram just said. Also consider this. I was a paramedic for along time. I saw things no human should ever have to deal with. None of it compares to what you guys went through. I had to find a way to seperate myself from the calls. Luckily i didn't have to deal with an addiction but i easily could have. DO NOT beat yourself up over this. One small setback after several years is nothing when you factor in the shit storm you saw on 9/11. Heck i'm not sure i could gone 13 months past that point without something. Know in your heart nothing there was your fault. Even mistakes you might have made saved lives. You gave all to save others. That MAKES YOU A TRUE HERO! mike |