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1/25/2018 7:38:29 AM
Posted: 12/20/2005 9:27:26 AM EST

I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Jim Bob Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us such as:

1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Jim Bob Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Jim Bob Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and cracklins' [or a petite pecan pie] on the fireplace and Jim Bob doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little skoal though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Jim Bob Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Jim Bob's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen, You'll hear, "On Armand, on Jean Paul, on Uncle Boy and Richard. On Coach, on Simon, on Ed and Pecan."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Jim Bob's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Jim Bob Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Jim Bob Claus and dozens of state police cars crashing into each other.

8. Jim Bob Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Jim Bob Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Jim Bob Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Johnny Paycheck's "If You Don't Like Jim Bob Claus, Shove It."

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus,
(Member) North American Fairies and Elves Local #209

(Sorry if it's a dupe.)
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 9:29:55 AM EST
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 9:30:55 AM EST
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 9:32:45 AM EST
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 9:38:30 AM EST
[Last Edit: 12/20/2005 9:42:35 AM EST by motown_steve]

It reminds me of the Saturday Night Live skit where Hanukuk Harry was filling in for Santa Claus, and he had to deliver toys to houses in the south.

Paw hears a rustling in the living room and comes out with his shotgun to find Hanukuk Harry putting Dradels under the tree. After Hanaukuk Harry explains what's going on, Paw has one of the best lines from any SNL episode:

"Oh I see...kids, we got us a jew boy here!"

Link Posted: 12/20/2005 9:45:02 AM EST
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 9:55:52 AM EST
Chuck Norris is going to be pissed ....
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 12:09:54 PM EST
Sounds like a good case for playing "Grandma Got Run Over by a Coon Dog", too.
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 12:27:13 PM EST
So what is wrong with pecan pie?
You are in VA? would not talk if I were you.
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 12:30:59 PM EST
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 5:48:43 AM EST
Merry Christmas LadyLiberty ...

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