Posted: 2/8/2007 6:48:36 PM EDT
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A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please." The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical breakthroughs, etc....... The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A Martini please." Again it was superb. The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?" This time the man answered , "Oh about 100." So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end. The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool...Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out "Uh... bout 50". The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked ,"A-r-e...... y-o-u-r.......p-e-o-p-l-e....... g-o-i-n-g .t-o...... n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e.......H-i-l-l-a-r-y-??? |
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A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing? Your willy is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. "This is your grandma's idea." |
Three old guys were sitting at the donut shop one morning each complaining about how is sucks to be their age. The 70 year old guy says being 70 is the worst! I wake up in the morning and go to take a piss and stand there for at least 10 minutes before I can go. Then the 80 year old guy says that ain't nothing! Being 80 is much worse. Every morning I go sit on the toilet and wait for at least 20 minutes just to take a dump! The 90 year old guy says you guys don't have a clue! Being 90 is much worse! Every morning at 6 AM I empty my bladder and take a huge shit! Yep being 90 sucks! The other two guys look at him and say what the hell is wrong with that! The 90 year old says I don't get up until 8AM!
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A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late. The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test." |
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> >>Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, > >>looking like he'd just been run over by a train. > >>His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, > >>his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp > >>"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. > >>" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. > >>"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, > >>"He couldn't do that to you, > >>he must have had something in his hand." > >>"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, > >>and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." > >>"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, > >>didn't you have something in your hand?" > >>That I did," said Paddy. > >>"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of > >>beauty it was, but useless in a fight." |