Those who have young children might know who Steve, from Blue's Clues is.  I have been working up a descriptive insult but need help forming the thoughts into words.

It forms along the lines of  "He's so gay if you shoved a lump of clay up his ass the first 5 1/2 inches would come out looking like a dildo."
-or-
"He's so tight if you shoved a lump of coal up his ass you would have a diamond shaped like a dildo in a week."

Your best work is expected here.  Thank you if you can help.

I thought this was going to have something to do with polish hotdogs or something. Mmmm I think I'm going to go pick one up right now.

If it bothers you that much, stop watching it. Simple as that.