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Posted: 11/20/2001 7:36:08 AM EDT
10 Rules for Dating My Daughter 1 If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. 2 You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. 3 I am aware that it is fashionable for boys of your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this wrong, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair about this issue, so I propose: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of the date, I will take my nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. 4 I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. 5 It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you about when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this is "early."
Link Posted: 11/20/2001 7:37:19 AM EDT
Part II 6I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is done with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. 7As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, and that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? 8The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. 9 Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, middle-aged,dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have firearms, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. 10 Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. [V]
Link Posted: 11/20/2001 7:49:00 AM EDT
I will be reading these to my seven year old tonight... she'll laugh now... then I'll remind her in 6 years. No_Expert
Link Posted: 11/20/2001 7:54:42 AM EDT
That pretty much sums it up. My daughter was seeing this guy and she told mom that she didn't like him. "Why?" mom asks. "He talks like a black person and talks about slapping girls" daughter replys. Mom says "You better stop seeing him. You don't want dad to go to jail do you?" It took her about 14 seconds before the light went on my wife told me.
Link Posted: 11/20/2001 8:18:15 AM EDT
You got those from [url]www.vampiregerbil.com[/url]? He rocks. Ice
Link Posted: 11/20/2001 8:46:11 AM EDT
Ice, Actually got them from laffaday email.... Cheers
Link Posted: 11/20/2001 9:19:33 AM EDT
"But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe." God that Line makes me chuckle everytime. My worst fears are yet to be realized, as my daughter is only 4!
Link Posted: 11/20/2001 9:32:41 AM EDT
I've been using the "If you make my daughter cry, I will make you cry" line for years. Never fails to make an impression.
Link Posted: 11/20/2001 9:37:49 AM EDT
Check out the VG site, guys, it also has the application to date my daughter: [url]http://www.vampiregerbil.com/application.html[/url] Plus some other goodies and sick twisted stuff [}:D] Ice
Link Posted: 11/20/2001 9:39:14 AM EDT
And for those that don't want to go, but want to see it: APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician. 1. What is your name, age, social security number, IQ and boy scout rank? 2. Do you have one male and one female parent? If "No", explain: 3*. Do you own or have access to a van? 4*. A truck with oversize tires? 5*. Waterbed? 6. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? 7. Do you have a tattoo? *If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue application and leave immediately. 8. In fifty words or less, what does LATE mean to you? 9. In fifty words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you? 10. In fifty words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? 11. In fifty words or less, what does REAL PAIN mean to you? 12. Church/Temple you attend: 13. How often do you attend: 14. When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and priest/rabbi? 15. Please fill in the blanks: If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my __________. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my __________. A woman's place is in the __________. The one thing I hope this application ask is __________. When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her first is__________.* *Note: If answer to last question begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and leave premises - keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised. 16. What do you want to be IF you grow up? I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment, torture or mental abuse. Signature of applicant___________________________ Signature of father___________________________ Signature of mother___________________________ Signature of priest/rabbi___________________________ Signature of State Representative___________________________ Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never apply again. Don't call me, I'll call you.
Link Posted: 11/20/2001 10:06:28 AM EDT
A prescription of Ortho Tri Cyclen and a few boxes of rubbers couldn't hurt either. Think of it as a care package. LOL -bc
Link Posted: 11/20/2001 10:14:54 AM EDT
Ice, That application is great. My daughter is 13, and I sent her both the rules and the application. I kid her a lot about chaining her up, caging her at 15 etc. She made me feel kinda bad one day when she asked me if I was gonna let her go to her senior prom.[B)]
Link Posted: 11/20/2001 10:23:57 AM EDT
My parents said the same thing about my sis, poor girl. I guess they look at me and go "How do we stop that from happening again?" It is the greatest, except my girlfriend's father is now considering using it, and he might make me re-apply. [:D] Keep your daughter safe, but don't smother her. Ice
Link Posted: 11/20/2001 10:36:25 AM EDT
Ice, Sounds good, but see if you feel the same way once you have a daughter of your own. My protective instinct is quite simply... overpowering! Meanwhile, my daughters will all be black belts before they can date. Oh, and they'll know how to shoot too. ;)
Link Posted: 11/20/2001 10:38:32 AM EDT
I know, I know, everytime I hold my god-daughter, I realize a little more of what parents feel. And I am dating someone's "baby girl", but I am not a parent yet. Ice
Link Posted: 11/20/2001 11:00:11 AM EDT
My 13 yr old has only shot pistols a couple of times. She hates the airweight .38. She took my p90 .45 at 10 yards and put two rounds in the head of a silhouette. Then told me she thought it kicked too much. Then took my bride's p95 and put two rounds in the head of the silhouette again. Pronounced the p95 "cool" and wanted to shoot up the entire box. She rides equestrian, so fear is not an issue with her. She can muscle horses around like they're puppies, so I think she'll take care of some little hard dick that pisses her off. If not, Daddy will take care of bidness!
Link Posted: 11/20/2001 2:03:41 PM EDT
I won't be having children. Ever. The problem is neither physical nor emotional, it is karmic. You see, I've had several friends with daughters and I've really given them a hard time about it. I mean a really hard time. A steady stream of stuff like "Hey Dave, how old is your daughter? 5? Damn, off limits for another 13 years." "Steve, your daughter dating yet? Yeah, I know she's only 9, but they start earlier and earlier these days." I've got so much bad karma hanging over me that I have no doubt that it'll be girl triplets and all three of them will be 'outgoing'.
Link Posted: 11/20/2001 3:30:11 PM EDT
Originally Posted By BrianCav: A prescription of Ortho Tri Cyclen and a few boxes of rubbers couldn't hurt either. Think of it as a care package. LOL -bc
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OTC is obsolete:[url]http://www.womens-health.co.uk/mirena.htm[/url] Condoms are still needed for AIDS though[:(]
Link Posted: 11/20/2001 3:43:27 PM EDT
Hoplophile, I wonder too about karma.... I have this recurring nightmare.... Daughter calls me to tell me she's goin out "Daddy, his name Dennis, but he goes by the name "Johnny Wad" though I don't know why, but he says he'll show me. He and I are going out to the beach party in his van. Oh and the rest of the football team will be there. They said something about how cool the trains are at the beach? I dunno, like whatever" God will get even with me for bimbo chasing, I just know it
Link Posted: 11/20/2001 6:17:54 PM EDT
I don't know how safe number 8 is, I once had a girl almost naked, (shirt off bra up, short and panties down) on a bench next to a convent at 0200.
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