[ARCHIVED THREAD] - First night separated..... (Page 1 of 4)
Posted: 5/20/2015 11:33:29 PM EDT
How do things get this bad? Go this far? Get so bitter?
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You've probably heard it a bunch, but this is the bottom, it only gets better from here. Hang in there, do your best to put your mind on different things. This too will pass. This. Go out hit the gun shops , go do activities you enjoy. Shit will turn around always does just takes time. |
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Quoted: Perfectly said. Hang in there OP. Quoted: Quoted: You've probably heard it a bunch, but this is the bottom, it only gets better from here. Hang in there, do your best to put your mind on different things. This too will pass. Perfectly said. Hang in there OP. Yep. Been there, still there, but doing better. Keep yourself busy and try not to spend too much time doing nothing. If you are in the "former marital residence", use this as a chance to make it more like what you want. Also, be careful of the booze. Especially if alone (or going to be alone). This shall pass. |
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How do things get this bad? Go this far? Get so bitter? Yes it does!!! Look at it as a life lesson, learn from what happened. Be a better man from it. Maybe talk to a marriage counselor about what happened. Think about how selfishness causes so many relationship problems, financial, cheating, and sudden changes in life goals. It will suck for 3-4 months. Contact always brought on a 4-5 day low for me. She moved out last July. We got a dissolution so it was over fast. But let me tell you, get in shape, just look at every aspect of yourself and reform. Reforge you. Clothing, cars, health. Improve it all change your habits, TV shows, eating habits. I did and it helped me forget what I know I had to give up. Fantasy of the relationship so to speak. we cling, we try to deny reality, and we let fear have power. There are women out there too, don't be afraid to date once it's all settled in court. Just stay causual. Remember the reforgeing part? You will be rusty. |
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Went through the same crap a few years ago. Mine wanted me back after a year but by then it was too late. Just look at it as an opportunity to improve. Like others have said, learn from past mistakes and enjoy the single life. Get out there and start talking to women. You feel like crap now but you'll be fine. Many of us have been there. I have a great girlfriend now and we are very happy. |
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Quoted: How do things get this bad? Go this far? Get so bitter? and absolutely DO NOT take her back if she wants you back but fucked other guys in the process. if she had ZERO partners during the separation, and wants you back, talk about it. but unless there is serious reconciliation stay ejected. and i'm sorry for your loss, hurt isn't just for women. |
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It hurts, bad. But every day it will fade a little and you will feel just a little bit better. You won't notice right away, but over time you'll see.
A couple things to keep in mind to keep from becoming a "Typical Arfcommer" 1. It's stupid to love someone who doesn't love you. Don't be stupid! <------fellow ARFCOMMERs taught me this when my first wife left...it is amazing and has stuck with me! 1. (A) You really have a lot more control over your emotions than you realize - the key is in consistent, realistic thinking. Don't idealize, generalize, or awfulize. 2. Never assume. Don't forge yourself some new shiny cognitive distortions out of this. Don't dwell on the bad things and assign them to "all women" or even "all brunette women". Don't fall into the generalizations traps. Understand you need to work through the betrayal and all that so that you can repair your ability to trust. Not forming sweeping generalizations about women is a big part of that. 3. Do not fear the legit hurt. Fear of the hurt and a desire to escape the hurt, can become more hurtful than the hurt. Don't do that.....instead just let yourself be hurt and trust that it won't kill you or even hurt you permanently.....you have the ability to make it a good thing over time. 4. Trust me on this - a year from now you will feel ambivalent toward her and you'll feel kind of stupid for even feeling so hurt over losing someone who really wasn't doing you any favors anyway. Five years from now you'll be glad it happened. Ten years from now (if it turns out anything like mine) you will be to a point where you would go back in time and PAY HER to go away. ETA: A good diet, regular exercise, and SLEEP are EXTREMELY important to maintain your mental equilibrium, particularly during times of intense stress. Make an extra effort to eat healthy, take some vitamin supplements, and force a decent routine upon yourself. ETA 2: Just caught the "separation" part. It takes two to tango. If she is willing to, literally, "do whatever it takes" to save your marriage, then go all in with her and get some good outside help. If she isn't, or is playing the "I'm not sure what I want" game, then revert to rule #1 above. ETA 3: I would give you some Christian advice......but oddly enough, the ones who "profess" to be "Christians" are sometimes the worst. My current and last wife is a Believer but never a churchgoer....and she is the only one I've found that actually LIVES what the Bible says about marriage.....so I don't have anything to offer in that regard. |
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Yeah, get busy thinking about how you can fix your marriage. You said separated, not divorced, right? It's not too late. Quoted:
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Sorry, OP. Try to stay busy. You got this. Yeah, get busy thinking about how you can fix your marriage. You said separated, not divorced, right? It's not too late. Soggy cereal is still soggy when you come back to it. |
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March of 2014 is when my wife left. Divorce was final a month ago.
It's a long road, but you'll be happier when it's all said and done. I had to fight like a cornered bobcat to keep my time with the kids and the money to do anything with them, but I did, and it was worth it. I owe my lawyer a lot of money, but it was money well spent. Retain a lawyer, and do what they tell you to do. |
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Quoted: Soggy cereal is still soggy when you come back to it. Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Sorry, OP. Try to stay busy. You got this. Yeah, get busy thinking about how you can fix your marriage. You said separated, not divorced, right? It's not too late. Soggy cereal is still soggy when you come back to it. You know the OP's wife? |
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Quoted: How do things get this bad? Go this far? Get so bitter? What's your part in it, bro? Lots of us have been here, and understand where you are, but you don't tell us much. Did you bring this on, or were you blindsided? If you have sins to account for, they are going to be part of your healing process, even if they are minor compared to hers. Straight up, did you deserve this or was it cold betrayal? |
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How do things get this bad? Go this far? Get so bitter? Things get this bad, go so far and get so bitter because humans are imperfect. Everyone does wrong and everyone makes mistakes. It happens. It happened... As in the past. The best news of all is that tomorrow morning is unwritten. That is your best hope my friend. Write it as you wish. Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile |
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Yeah, get busy thinking about how you can fix your marriage. You said separated, not divorced, right? It's not too late. Quoted:
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Sorry, OP. Try to stay busy. You got this. Yeah, get busy thinking about how you can fix your marriage. You said separated, not divorced, right? It's not too late. First night away, married 10 years. Not cheating issues, but major obstacles. Really no middle ground at all. I'm a filthy animal for past things (many years past) and she is, well, better than me on all fronts. Let's just say that's how it would seem from her perspective. Doesn't say those things, but actions speak..... |
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You know the OP's wife? Quoted:
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Sorry, OP. Try to stay busy. You got this. Yeah, get busy thinking about how you can fix your marriage. You said separated, not divorced, right? It's not too late. Soggy cereal is still soggy when you come back to it. You know the OP's wife? Might have been talking about OP 
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You've probably heard it a bunch, but this is the bottom, it only gets better from here. Hang in there, do your best to put your mind on different things. This too will pass. True! I was crushed after 13 years of marriage. Then things got better. Then things got great and I found the one I married to now. Best thing that ever happened to me! Hang in there! |
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Quoted: I did that a few years ago. It sucks. Go too the gym,bike and shoot. Stay Busy. It gets better. Tell your self that that you will be in a good mood And make an effort to be happy. No buddy likes to see some have A pitty party. It kills your ex if your happy. Did you have your dog type this for you? |
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First night away, married 10 years. Not cheating issues, but major obstacles. Really no middle ground at all. I'm a filthy animal for past things (many years past) and she is, well, better than me on all fronts. Let's just say that's how it would seem from her perspective. Doesn't say those things, but actions speak..... Quoted:
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Sorry, OP. Try to stay busy. You got this. Yeah, get busy thinking about how you can fix your marriage. You said separated, not divorced, right? It's not too late. First night away, married 10 years. Not cheating issues, but major obstacles. Really no middle ground at all. I'm a filthy animal for past things (many years past) and she is, well, better than me on all fronts. Let's just say that's how it would seem from her perspective. Doesn't say those things, but actions speak..... Is this permanent? Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile |
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Is this permanent? Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile Quoted:
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Sorry, OP. Try to stay busy. You got this. Yeah, get busy thinking about how you can fix your marriage. You said separated, not divorced, right? It's not too late. First night away, married 10 years. Not cheating issues, but major obstacles. Really no middle ground at all. I'm a filthy animal for past things (many years past) and she is, well, better than me on all fronts. Let's just say that's how it would seem from her perspective. Doesn't say those things, but actions speak..... Is this permanent? Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile If not it needs to be. That stuff will not get fixed. |
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What's your part in it, bro? Lots of us have been here, and understand where you are, but you don't tell us much. Did you bring this on, or were you blindsided? If you have sins to account for, they are going to be part of your healing process, even if they are minor compared to hers. Straight up, did you deserve this or was it cold betrayal? Quoted:
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How do things get this bad? Go this far? Get so bitter? What's your part in it, bro? Lots of us have been here, and understand where you are, but you don't tell us much. Did you bring this on, or were you blindsided? If you have sins to account for, they are going to be part of your healing process, even if they are minor compared to hers. Straight up, did you deserve this or was it cold betrayal? My side? Severe anxiety. Maybe 5 years ago I smoked pot to calm that. Worked great. Turned to my doctor, take clonasapam or however it's spelled now. Works fine. Also, posted about how hot a woman I was in contact was. Those are the biggest issues for her. Her side? Stayed with ex husband for 4 days in RI. Sees him every time she goes there. Says friends. Honestly believe her but it's still inappropriate. And, she makes vaca plans without even telling we, then says I can come if I want, or she will change plans. Told her to keep her plans because I was not a consolation prize or pity case. Issues on both sides. I'm no perfect guy. |
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If not it needs to be. That stuff will not get fixed. Quoted:
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Sorry, OP. Try to stay busy. You got this. Yeah, get busy thinking about how you can fix your marriage. You said separated, not divorced, right? It's not too late. First night away, married 10 years. Not cheating issues, but major obstacles. Really no middle ground at all. I'm a filthy animal for past things (many years past) and she is, well, better than me on all fronts. Let's just say that's how it would seem from her perspective. Doesn't say those things, but actions speak..... Is this permanent? Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile If not it needs to be. That stuff will not get fixed. Only Timco knows. It's still up to him how things go. Not you or me. Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile |
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Is this permanent? Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile Quoted:
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Sorry, OP. Try to stay busy. You got this. Yeah, get busy thinking about how you can fix your marriage. You said separated, not divorced, right? It's not too late. First night away, married 10 years. Not cheating issues, but major obstacles. Really no middle ground at all. I'm a filthy animal for past things (many years past) and she is, well, better than me on all fronts. Let's just say that's how it would seem from her perspective. Doesn't say those things, but actions speak..... Is this permanent? Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile Who knows? |
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My side? Severe anxiety. Maybe 5 years ago I smoked pot to calm that. Worked great. Turned to my doctor, take clonasapam or however it's spelled now. Works fine. Also, posted about how hot a woman I was in contact was. Those are the biggest issues for her. Her side? Stayed with ex husband for 4 days in RI. Sees him every time she goes there. Says friends. Honestly believe her but it's still inappropriate. And, she makes vaca plans without even telling we, then says I can come if I want, or she will change plans. Told her to keep her plans because I was not a consolation prize or pity case. Issues on both sides. I'm no perfect guy. Quoted:
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How do things get this bad? Go this far? Get so bitter? What's your part in it, bro? Lots of us have been here, and understand where you are, but you don't tell us much. Did you bring this on, or were you blindsided? If you have sins to account for, they are going to be part of your healing process, even if they are minor compared to hers. Straight up, did you deserve this or was it cold betrayal? My side? Severe anxiety. Maybe 5 years ago I smoked pot to calm that. Worked great. Turned to my doctor, take clonasapam or however it's spelled now. Works fine. Also, posted about how hot a woman I was in contact was. Those are the biggest issues for her. Her side? Stayed with ex husband for 4 days in RI. Sees him every time she goes there. Says friends. Honestly believe her but it's still inappropriate. And, she makes vaca plans without even telling we, then says I can come if I want, or she will change plans. Told her to keep her plans because I was not a consolation prize or pity case. Issues on both sides. I'm no perfect guy. Fuck that. |
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My side? Severe anxiety. Maybe 5 years ago I smoked pot to calm that. Worked great. Turned to my doctor, take clonasapam or however it's spelled now. Works fine. Also, posted about how hot a woman I was in contact was. Those are the biggest issues for her. Her side? Stayed with ex husband for 4 days in RI. Sees him every time she goes there. Says friends. Honestly believe her but it's still inappropriate. And, she makes vaca plans without even telling we, then says I can come if I want, or she will change plans. Told her to keep her plans because I was not a consolation prize or pity case. Issues on both sides. I'm no perfect guy. Quoted:
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How do things get this bad? Go this far? Get so bitter? What's your part in it, bro? Lots of us have been here, and understand where you are, but you don't tell us much. Did you bring this on, or were you blindsided? If you have sins to account for, they are going to be part of your healing process, even if they are minor compared to hers. Straight up, did you deserve this or was it cold betrayal? My side? Severe anxiety. Maybe 5 years ago I smoked pot to calm that. Worked great. Turned to my doctor, take clonasapam or however it's spelled now. Works fine. Also, posted about how hot a woman I was in contact was. Those are the biggest issues for her. Her side? Stayed with ex husband for 4 days in RI. Sees him every time she goes there. Says friends. Honestly believe her but it's still inappropriate. And, she makes vaca plans without even telling we, then says I can come if I want, or she will change plans. Told her to keep her plans because I was not a consolation prize or pity case. Issues on both sides. I'm no perfect guy. I'll summarize. She is in the wrong. The best way to move on is exercise in the day, a drink at night and a new routine. If you have a best friend, then now is the time to see him and let it out. Meet other women, even if it's fleeting. It's theraputic. Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile |
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My side? Severe anxiety. Maybe 5 years ago I smoked pot to calm that. Worked great. Turned to my doctor, take clonasapam or however it's spelled now. Works fine. Also, posted about how hot a woman I was in contact was. Those are the biggest issues for her. Her side? Stayed with ex husband for 4 days in RI. Sees him every time she goes there. Says friends. Honestly believe her but it's still inappropriate. And, she makes vaca plans without even telling we, then says I can come if I want, or she will change plans. Told her to keep her plans because I was not a consolation prize or pity case. Issues on both sides. I'm no perfect guy. Quoted:
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How do things get this bad? Go this far? Get so bitter? What's your part in it, bro? Lots of us have been here, and understand where you are, but you don't tell us much. Did you bring this on, or were you blindsided? If you have sins to account for, they are going to be part of your healing process, even if they are minor compared to hers. Straight up, did you deserve this or was it cold betrayal? My side? Severe anxiety. Maybe 5 years ago I smoked pot to calm that. Worked great. Turned to my doctor, take clonasapam or however it's spelled now. Works fine. Also, posted about how hot a woman I was in contact was. Those are the biggest issues for her. Her side? Stayed with ex husband for 4 days in RI. Sees him every time she goes there. Says friends. Honestly believe her but it's still inappropriate. And, she makes vaca plans without even telling we, then says I can come if I want, or she will change plans. Told her to keep her plans because I was not a consolation prize or pity case. Issues on both sides. I'm no perfect guy. Uhmm She stayed with the EX while she was with you?!? 
your new goal is running shape. Not chasing this woman.. |
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Dude. Fucking eject. Holy fuck. Eject. I'm divorced, cheating slut army wife. Bfd. Get yourself cleaned up, hit the gym. That's what I did. My love life is much better now, and her life is complete shit, karma at its finest.
Vacations with the ex? Are you serious bro? I don't care what you think is wrong with you, that shit is a no go in the highest order. Bye! |
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You've probably heard it a bunch, but this is the bottom, it only gets better from here. Hang in there, do your best to put your mind on different things. This too will pass. Not if it's going to involve a divorce it isn't. Especially if it involves kids. Eventually it will get better, but the first night of a separation usually isn't the time it happens. |