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Posted: 1/21/2002 7:37:46 PM EDT
[#1]
LOL!!
Got one more for you. A friend and his wife were about to have twins. As she was a small gal, she was pretty large at the ninth month and couldn't bend at the waist. While waiting for a Dr. appointment, her shoe became untied and the husband dutifully kneeled down to tie it. Another couple walked by and the husband says "She's not pregnant, she's just stupid" Brave, but not particularly bright. SRM |
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Posted: 1/21/2002 7:49:00 PM EDT
[#2]
[b]I am the Shover Robot. Come stand by the stairs so I can protect you.[/b]
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Posted: 1/21/2002 7:50:19 PM EDT
[#3]
I got a good one, "If I wanted to be with a Fat Chick I would have started dating your mother"
JerrY |
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Posted: 1/21/2002 8:14:45 PM EDT
[#4]
[b]"Hey, that looks like MY underwear!" "Eeeyeww... What are those lines on your stomach?" "Again?! Can't you just hold it? We'll be there in half an hour." "Are you gonna have to get an epistiotomy?" "I ain't going to no classes - I'm not the one who's pregnant!" [/b] |
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Posted: 1/21/2002 8:26:35 PM EDT
[#5]
The fatal phrase I unfortunately found was, "in a minute." I found it when she'd ask if I could help fill-up and move the wash tub so she could wash clothes (most of you are probably too young to remember not having a washing machine). I answered "in a minute," and that tripped-off a chain reaction. I don't understand it. I just know it wasn't pleasant then or the few other times I said something like that.z
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Posted: 1/21/2002 9:12:17 PM EDT
[#6]
I found that any references to "granny panties" did the trick.
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Posted: 1/22/2002 7:17:47 AM EDT
[#7]
From personal experience..........
With an evil grin..."How long you say ther're gonna stay that big?" Bad move gunnutt...bad move. |
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Posted: 1/22/2002 8:19:45 AM EDT
[#8]
Quoted: [b]I am the Shover Robot. Come stand by the stairs so I can protect you.[/b] [b]I am the Pusher Robot. Do not listen to the Shover Robot, he is malfunctioning[/b] |
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Posted: 1/22/2002 8:24:38 AM EDT
[#9]
"How is our little TAX deduction" didn't go over too well either. [stick]
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Posted: 1/22/2002 8:38:20 AM EDT
[#10]
"Honey, it's not [u]that[/u] big of a deal. You're only this upset because your hormones are all out of whack....."
It might be true, but don't [i]ever[/i] make the mistake of saying it. I [b]guarantee[/b] you that will NOT be the problem! |
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Posted: 1/22/2002 9:51:11 AM EDT
[#11]
[B]What?! You think you're the first person to ever go through this?[/b]
I remember at the Lamaze (sp?) class the instructor was talking about this vaginal exercise that would "firm things up" after delivery. "You can do it anywhere. In fact I'm doing right now" she went on. I started a snicker, the guy next to me started spraying through his lips and before you know every man in the place has a hand over their face trying to hide the laughter. The instructor turned a nice shade of crimson. |
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Posted: 1/22/2002 10:00:04 AM EDT
[#12]
Quoted: Quoted: [b]I am the Shover Robot. Come stand by the stairs so I can protect you.[/b] [b]I am the Pusher Robot. Do not listen to the Shover Robot, he is malfunctioning[/b] we are here to protect you from the terrible secret of space. |
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Posted: 1/22/2002 5:17:51 PM EDT
[#13]
Be sure to remind her to have them put a couple extra stitches in after the epesiotomy to tighten things up.
If she complains about her weight, just tell her "It's OK. I'm into fat girls now." |
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Posted: 1/22/2002 5:41:16 PM EDT
[#14]
I tried explaining that my Grandmother made breakfast and lunch (and prepared dinner to be warmed up) after chopping wood for the stove, worked in the field, did some mending, cleaned the house and did three loads of laundry by hand the day she delivered my Dad.
I asked my wife who was lying in the hospital bed with an epidural, being attended to, "What do you want, a medal?" And that is all I remember before I woke up here. |
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Posted: 1/22/2002 6:06:59 PM EDT
[#15]
I passed this along to a buddy of mine that I work with and they're expecting their second child. He got a kick out of it even though it probably hit a little close to home!
I especially liked the one about the ankles... my wife's slender and her ankles ballooned up when she was pregnant so it brought back memories. |
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Posted: 1/22/2002 6:10:06 PM EDT
[#16]
[b]I can't tell if you've gotten wider from the side view or the back view![/b]
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Posted: 1/22/2002 6:18:46 PM EDT
[#17]
Hey Rustygun, where I trained we called that the "pappa stitch". Did it a few times myself. Just be nice to the OB/GYN, or they'll use permanent suture. You wife will be ribbed, but not for your pleasure!! Heh, heh, the good old days... LAter.
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Posted: 1/23/2002 1:39:59 PM EDT
[#18]
I used to greet my last 2 childbirth classes with "Arrgh, arrgh Matey!"
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Posted: 1/23/2002 1:42:24 PM EDT
[#19]
Oh yeah I fergot. Whtever you do, don't follow up with the finishing phrase of "Thar she blows the great white whale" The coaches all laughed, the ladies didn't. I don't know why. Arrgh arrgh Mateys!
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Posted: 7/17/2002 8:02:25 AM EDT
[#20]
"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a
pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt!" "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney." "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!" "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water." "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass." |
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Posted: 7/17/2002 8:07:40 AM EDT
[#21]
I [b]STRONGLY[/b] suggest that you never, [b]ever[/b] even [i]suggest[/i] that a woman might be pregnant unless you can see the baby's head crowning.
That's a lethal mistake in itself! |
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Posted: 7/17/2002 8:09:11 AM EDT
[#22]
Never, [i]ever[/i] refer to your pregnant wife as "Sweet Chunks". As in, "Hi, sweet chunks, how was your day?"
Trust me on this. [BD] |
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Posted: 7/17/2002 8:11:21 AM EDT
[#23]
"Yes honey.. you have to go back to work after the babys born"
Better not to mention this until AFTER the baby is born...tends to piss em off. |
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Posted: 7/17/2002 8:17:32 AM EDT
[#24]
Chimbo, this was [b]January[/b]!! [BD]
Face it--everything sends them into orbit. Everything you say, everything you do. |
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Posted: 7/17/2002 8:20:23 AM EDT
[#25]
Quoted: Chimbo, this was [b]January[/b]!! [BD] Face it--everything sends them into orbit. Everything you say, everything you do. Dont forget... everything you DONT DO when you're supposed to, whether you knew it or not makes no difference. LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME YOU SONOFABITCH, boo hoo Im sorry I love you, make me a peanut butter pickle sandwich. |
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Posted: 7/17/2002 8:26:14 AM EDT
[#26]
My dad was a little intoxicated at a party once and a pregnant woman walked by. He foolishly said in a loud clear voice "Whoa, make way for the fat chick." She then very calmy walked up to him, grabed his nose and bounced his head off the wall repeatedly. Nedless to say he learned his lesson.[B)]
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Posted: 7/17/2002 8:34:49 AM EDT
[#27]
Quoted: [b]I am the Shover Robot. Come stand by the stairs so I can protect you.[/b] [b]PAK CHOOIE UNF PAK CHOOIE UNF[/b] the_reject |
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Posted: 7/17/2002 10:17:44 AM EDT
[#28]
Quoted: [B]What?! You think you're the first person to ever go through this?[/b] I remember at the Lamaze (sp?) class the instructor was talking about this vaginal exercise that would "firm things up" after delivery. "You can do it anywhere. In fact I'm doing right now" she went on. I started a snicker, the guy next to me started spraying through his lips and before you know every man in the place has a hand over their face trying to hide the laughter. The instructor turned a nice shade of crimson. WAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I remember that! They're called Kagels (sp?) and the Lamaze nurse instructor told all the girls to practice...and told us that we'd appreciate it. Well...DUH! ROTFLMAO! [sex] (Damn...that's what got me in trouble in the first place!) |
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Posted: 7/17/2002 10:26:30 AM EDT
[#29]
Quoted: Chimbo, this was [b]January[/b]!! [BD] I thought you might say that! I was going to post the list, but I figured I'd do a search on it first so as not to be redundant. This should probably be resurected every once in a while as a public service to the AR15.com male community to avoid injury caused by "fatal phrases". Let's face it, sometimes we could use a little help in that department! |
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Posted: 7/17/2002 12:45:53 PM EDT
[#30]
Quoted: [B]What?! You think you're the first person to ever go through this?[/b] I remember at the Lamaze (sp?) class the instructor was talking about this vaginal exercise that would "firm things up" after delivery. "You can do it anywhere. In fact I'm doing right now" she went on. I started a snicker, the guy next to me started spraying through his lips and before you know every man in the place has a hand over their face trying to hide the laughter. The instructor turned a nice shade of crimson. Ever watch "Night Court"? They had that in an episode near the end of the show. The instructor said nobody could tell she was doing them, and the sleazy lawyer (John Laroquette) stuck his hand up and said, "three minutes, seventeen seconds." [:D] |
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Posted: 7/17/2002 1:35:42 PM EDT
[#31]
With the beep beep beep of heavy equipment backing up somewhere nearby--ask your wife "honey is that you backing up."
Make sure you're out of strike range. |
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