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Posted: 5/23/2002 3:10:34 PM EST
I have a 17yr old daughter, her curfew is midnight on the weekends. 10:00 on school nights
we are having these terrible fights at my house over this. I don't think she needs to be out past midnight.
 my wife and daughter both say I am doing this for a power trip. last night the fight started again. I told both of them they can work this out between themselves.
what do you guys think of a midnight curfew?
Link Posted: 5/23/2002 3:15:14 PM EST
Seems reasonable to me.
Link Posted: 5/23/2002 3:15:41 PM EST
I think midnight is late.  LOTS of stuff happens late at night, not to say the day is safe, either.

Mine was 10pm unless I was working, but my dad's strict.  And I lived in Il, surrounded by nothing but corn.

Don't fall for the "power trip" argument, otherwise it will become the A bomb whenever you assert authority.

YOU ARE the authority, as is your wife.

Your house, your rules, at least that's how it was explained to me by my dad.

It's simply not a negotiating relationship in certain areas.
Link Posted: 5/23/2002 3:23:54 PM EST
I would base the curfew based on her past behavior.  If she demonstrates good, solid common sense - reward her by extending the curfew and state exactly why.  If she hasn't demonstrated the maturity yet, then leave it as is and state exactly why.
Link Posted: 5/23/2002 3:24:26 PM EST
You sound like a responsible parent.  I feel a curfew is reasonable, and a curfew of midnight is MORE than reasonable.

You and your wife should come to an agreement/decision together and stand together with the results.  If the decision makers are split in front of the daughter then you'll have anarchy for sure.  It's great to be friends with your kids, but you have to be a parent first.

Just another parents point of view....
Link Posted: 5/23/2002 3:26:25 PM EST
A midnight curfew is fine.  My 17 year old sister-in-law just ran away from home because she thinks she's an adopted slave.  My in-laws adopted a set of three children, one boy and two girls all brother and sisters after taking care of them for years as foster parents.  Recently they found out they were adopted.  What's interesting is that they are half mexican/half indian while my parents are german, and they've been visiting their birth mother and maternal grandmother for years as part of the adoption agreement, yet they never caught on because my in-laws treat those kids very well.  However, since they found out they were adopted, the oldest girl has been on an "I'm adopted."  It got worse a few weeks before her 17th birthday when she decided she was nothing more than a slave.  Her definition of slavery is having to fold one load of clothes, sweep the kitchen floor, and load the dishwasher with already rinsed dishes.  Then it evolved into she's a slave and my father-in-law, a Marine, beats her.  Now, my family and I spend enough time around the in-laws to know better, but it didn't stop her from telling all her friends and their parents that, which eventually got her boyfriends mother involved.  The boyfriend's mom got it into her head that she could leave home at 17, so a week before her 17th birthday she informed my in-laws that she was moving out.  That day came and went, and she was gone.  Then the boyfriend ends up in the hospital numerous times for kidney problems, and boyfriends mom realises that the teenage girl is a spiteful manipulative PITA, and kicks her out.  So, boyfriend and sister-in-law move in with boyfriend's sister, who also kicks them out.  Finally, they end up at boyfriend's father's house, and after a week of tantrums, cursing fits, and violence he also kicks her out.  So my mother-in-law picks her up and the fun really begins.  She starts throwing fits, threatening to kill herself over this boy and other insane crap.  Finally, she threaten's my mother-in-law and she calls the cops.

Bottom line:  You're the father.  Your wife may disagree with you all she wants, but ultimately most teenagers have the IQ of a bag of rocks and make horrible decisions.  I had a 168 IQ at the age of 16, which was my last official test, and I made huge mistakes throughout my teens and early twenties until I straigthened up.  You are the law.  Parents MUST have a unified front.  Otherwise your daughter gets mixed signals and knows she can play one against the other.

Sit down and tell your wife that you either agree or you will abstain from all decision making with the daughter and it will be her responsibiliy, including cleaning up the mess that comes of it.

Editied to add that I also agree with others on basing the curfew on her past judgement.  If she's shown good judgement in the past, reward her now and again with a later curfew as a reward.  But midnight on a weekend should be the norm.  In my neck of the woods, most bad things happen between the hours of 12am-3am.

God Bless Texas
Link Posted: 5/23/2002 3:30:19 PM EST
i would bust her in the mouth, lock her in her room, and say I"M THE BOSS AROUND HERE AND DON"YOU FORGET IT!!, and when mom protests, show her your fist and say YOU WANT SOME TOO???...

seriously, 10:00 is very reasonable,but you need to enforce it firmly, and also look at behavior as an issue.  you know reward/behavior concept?
it teaches them responsibly, and don't just say "because i said it's 10:00!" give her your reasoning and let her know that it's because you care about her and want her to be safe, not that you don't trust her.
Link Posted: 5/23/2002 3:34:45 PM EST
Link Posted: 5/23/2002 3:35:11 PM EST
That sounds like a very reasonable curfew.

If your wife doesn't agree with it, ask her this: How would she feel getting a phone call that a drunk driver ran into your daughter while she was on her way home?

I'm not saying to make the the main point of having the curfew, but I'm guessing your reason's for setting a curfew aren't for a power trip, but for her safety and well being.

There are more drunk drivers out on the road as the night progresses. There are more crimes committed at night. Just let your daughter know that you aren't doing this to prove you are the boss, but that you care about her.
Link Posted: 5/23/2002 3:35:25 PM EST
Link Posted: 5/23/2002 3:38:01 PM EST
If you wear the pants in the family, you're the final word. But in Judge Judy Sheindlin's home, it's a different story. [:D]
Link Posted: 5/23/2002 3:51:08 PM EST
Tell her she should stop complaining.  I'm 20, currently in college for chemical engineering, but still living at home during semester breaks to save cash.  Within the last 4 months, my curfew changed from 1am to "be home at a reasonable hour." (I had to be home at 11 up until I was 19).  No spending the night allowed, and no definition for "reasonable" has been given (when I ask what is reasonable, I get "1am is reasonable tonight"), while my parents believe I've been liberated by the simple change in wording.  Oh, and at 1:15, my parents start calling my friends to find me, such much for a "reasonable" hour.  

Tell your daughter that she can stay out as late as she wants, but at X pm/am, you start calling all of her friends to find her and make sure she's alright, and you will keep calling every 30 minutes until she gets home.  She'll hate it at first, but eventually she'll realize its much easier to be home a few minutes early than risk getting the embarrising phone call from Mom and Dad just checking in.  Either that, or her friends' parents will kick her out near the appointed hour, so they dont have to get the dreaded phone call.

Link Posted: 5/23/2002 4:05:40 PM EST
My curfew was 10pm on weeknights and 12am on weekends too.  The only waiver from this was on weekends, if I was at someones house.  If I went to someones house to watch a movie or something, I could call, tell them where I was and everything was cool as long as I stayed there and came directly home afterward.  I respected this trust in me and never abused it.  I did a lot of scandelous stuff when I was in high school, but this one priviledge I never fudged on.  Now I will say that this was while I was 16 and a very short part of my 17th year.  At 17 and three days after graduation I was in San Diego standing on yellow footprints.  I can only assume had my choices been different, my curfew would have stood.
Link Posted: 5/23/2002 4:21:23 PM EST
Get your balls out of your old lady's handbag and put your foot down!
Link Posted: 5/23/2002 4:31:40 PM EST
my only purpose in this house is to pay for everything and fix things when they break.
i have a pretty screwed up marriage. my youngest is 12, when she goes off to college ,i plan on moving off myself.  
i am not the man of the house, i lost that or never had that  
Link Posted: 5/23/2002 4:37:20 PM EST
Link Posted: 5/23/2002 4:41:02 PM EST
MY curfew was lifted about four months before my 17th birthday. In order to have it lifted I had to do the following.

1. Maintain a B average
2. Pay all my own bills including upkeep and insurance on my car
3. Pay Rent of $500 a month

I was also barred from asking my parents for money or just about anything else.

BTW the $500 was really room and board.
Link Posted: 5/23/2002 5:04:02 PM EST
I've got a 17 year old daughter (As well as 5 other younger daughters)

I believe that my purpose here on earth as a parent is to protect the hearts of my children.  

We've homeschooled all the kids and as a result they don't have any peer pressure to go and hang out at the  (Mall, park, boyfriends house, girlfriends house, etc)

My wife recoginizes me as the head of the house, (MAJOR FUNDAMENTAL GROUNDWORK IN ACTION HERE)regardless if she agrees with me or not. I've told all my daughters,  They can do any damn thing they want...after they are married.

Put your foot down and stand your ground.  If the mall closes at 9pm, be home by 11, that's plenty of time to grab a bite to eat with friends and call it a night.

Just my humble opinion.
Link Posted: 5/23/2002 5:48:13 PM EST
everyone thank you for your opinons.
its actually me against them. i dont know what my wife is thinking?

 (Your family needs more help than this board can give.)

doublefeed you arerig, i just had to vent a little.
Link Posted: 5/23/2002 5:48:50 PM EST
everyone thank you for your opinons.
its actually me against them. i dont know what my wife is thinking?

 (Your family needs more help than this board can give.)

doublefeed you are right, i just had to vent a little.
Link Posted: 5/23/2002 10:54:06 PM EST
If you want her out getting drunk or being around drunk drivers, by all means let her stay out past your curfew.

If you want her to come to you in the next year or so & ask you what you want to name the new grand-child, let her stay out past your curfew.

If you want her to come hug you when she has her own kids & say "thanks, dad", keep your curfew.
Link Posted: 5/23/2002 11:01:28 PM EST

It is at this point that you say:

"Well in a year you will be 18, an adult and out on your own, and then you can stay out as late as you want. But so long as you are MY responsibility these are MY rules."

Have the wife review her vows of "Love, Honor and OBEY!" See if they are still as valid as YOUR vow to "forsake all others."
Link Posted: 5/23/2002 11:20:35 PM EST
I have a 17yr old daughter, her curfew is midnight on the weekends. 10:00 on school nights
View Quote

You are being VERY reasonable.

But OF COURSE teens will resist - it's in their genes. ummmmm let me rephrase that... it's only natural. (whew)

 my wife and daughter both say I am doing this for a power trip.
View Quote

Time for you to COMMUNICATE with them.

As far as you and your wife - you've got to be in agreement.

Try this in private with your wife:  Have your wife write down all the reasons that a 17year old girl SHOULD be out till 1:00am or 2:00am.

Then you write down all the reasons why a 17year old girl should NOT be out till 1:00am or 2:00am.

Compare lists.

Scratch out all the ones on your wife's list dealing with "peer pressure" (everyone else is still out, party still going on... yadayadayada) because her "peers" are not legally, morally, financially, physically or emotionally responsible for her.

Scratch out all the ones on your list dealing with "because I said so" (powertrip stuff).

I'd bet your list comes out much longer and much more rational than your wife's list.

Hope it works out well for you.
Link Posted: 5/23/2002 11:58:33 PM EST
At 17 your daughter has been exposed to EVERYTHING under the sun, so if your concern is preventing her from making the wrong decisions, curfew has noting to do with it. The best you or any parent can hope for is that their kids have been instilled the ability to make good decisions. However if you’re just concerned about her safety do to drunk drives etc. making rules about curfew is fine, but try not to let it create a rift between you and your daughter. Talk to her in a manner that does not put her on the defensive. Tell her your reasons in a calm, concerned way. I’m 20 from Los Angles and at 17 we (me and my friends) were all out WAY past 12:00, hell that’s when we started most weekends.
Link Posted: 5/24/2002 12:04:14 AM EST
I have a 17yr old daughter, her curfew is midnight on the weekends. 10:00 on school nights
we are having these terrible fights at my house over this. I don't think she needs to be out past midnight.
 my wife and daughter both say I am doing this for a power trip. last night the fight started again. I told both of them they can work this out between themselves.
what do you guys think of a midnight curfew?
View Quote

I do not know about Texas, but in Arizona 1:00 AM is when bars and stores stop selling alcohol. Your daughter may be very responsible, however there are still a lot of people who are not, whether they have been drinking, doing drugs or are just fatigued, they still commit irresponsible acts. Yes this stuff can happen any time of the day, however, the later it is at night, the more likely it is she will run into these types of people.

To paraphrase some LEO friends of mine,"generally, there are only three types of people out after midnight: cops, drunks, and bad guys." Now you daughter is not one of these, she could fall victim to the later two.

Most likely she wants a cufew past 12:00 AM because she has to be in at 12:00 AM. I remember when my buddies and I turned 18 in Illinois. Yoo Hoo, we don't have a curfew, we can stay out as late as we want. We all ended up going to one or anothers house and partying there. When we were out late, it was not much past 12:00, I think the latest was 2:00.

There just is not a lot to do that late, except got to bars, and since the legal drinking age in most states is 21, she most likely will not be doing that.

anyway, my .02.
Link Posted: 5/24/2002 2:14:14 AM EST
There is nothing to do after 12 but get in trouble.  12 is more than reasonable.  It is your home, not your kids.  You dont want people walking in and out of the house at all hours of the night.  How are you supposed to keep your home secure when people are in and out late at night?
Link Posted: 5/24/2002 2:56:40 AM EST
Here's what I told my daughter during the years of rebellion that she put me and her mother through -

[size=4][u]Nothing[/u] good happens after Midnight![/size=4]

Now, as a mother, my daughter understands what I was talking about way back then.

Back in the old days, staying out after midnight was simply a way for teenagers to have sex. Nowadays, most teenage pregnancies happen because of sexual activity in the afternoon, between end of school and the first parent's arrival home from work.

It's the criminal goblins that come out after Midnight that make a curfew so necessary in this day and age.

Plus, parents simply must have clear and specific guidelines of conduct for their children.

The children will simply not get such clear guidelines anywhere but at home these days.

Eric The(Strict)Hun[>]:)]
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