Posted at the request of the cleaner......
A few years ago while working gangs I had a rather funny thing occur on the job. I was patrolling the main drag in my slicktop patrol car and happened to see a local known prostitute walking the walk. I was lucky enough to see a mini-van pull up next to her as she walked and cruise by real slow. Obviously a short conversation went on and the van turned onto the next intersecting street, waiting for her at the sidewalk end.
By this time I had passed her and feared that she may have seen my car and gotten spooked. A short time passed and I keep watching from a parking lot nearby and see the van drive off, with no hooker in view. As a result of extensive police training I conlcuded that this may have been a clue and began the delicate art of following the van while trying not to get burned. Luckily, they only drove about 10 blocks and pulled into the rear parking lot of a local, hole in the wall bar. (Liquor in the front, poker in the rear?)
No one gets out of the van, and again due to the extensive police training I confirmed that this may be a clue. So I give them about 5 minutes or so while parking my car, out of view. I lightly begin the walk into the parking lot, deciding upon the safest approach. Once I reach the van I can see that front seats are vacant. For an instant I thought they may have gone into the bar, but soo realized the vehilce was a rockin, if only just a bit. I turn on the flashlight and look throught the rear windows, and of course I see the ugly hooker smoking some pole. Apparently this was'nt enough for the John, as he had his hand down her pants, doing some "fiddling" I guess. Of course I ID myself and have them open the door. They pull up pants, and make themselves appropriate and open the door. The money was on the floor, next to the astroglide and condom wrapper. So I handcuff both and go throught the routine of interviewing them, pics, etc.... As I did this I call for a backup unit to assist and perhaps transport for me.
Up shows the FTO and his rookie, who to this day can't live this day down....
After assisting me with paperwork and the like, I tell him that the John told me he was wearing a rubber during the pole smoke and I had searched the van. No rubber to be found anywhere, so I tell the new guy to check with the John again, perhaps it was still on him.....
So here goes the new guy, he escorts the John around the corner of the van, out of view. I can tell he's having a relatively serious conversation with the guy, just from the facial expressions. I then see the new guys' eybrows go up, and his finger point down to the guys crotch, and can make out the words "it's down there?" I can then make out the John's nodding, replying in the affirmative. I kinda roll me eyes and think "oh great" and return my attention to the paperwork, or I began shooting the shit with the FTO, I don't remember. At any rate, the new guy comes around the van, holding the rubber at arms length with a rather forlorn look upon his face. He proudly exclaims "I got it!" and approaches me, eager with his discovery. I take a few steps back as he gets uncomfortable close with that thing (damn new guys) and tell him to "bag it" before he get an NRT on his days score. He puts it in an envelope and hands it to me. I tell him I saw him talking to the John, and saw him say he still had it on. The new guy tells me, "Yup, he sure did. I pulled it off!"
I of course told him "No fucking way!", and he told me "Hell yeah I did." The whole group erupts in laughter and disgust, simultaneously.
To this day, he can't live that incident down. For the next few weeks after this he would go out into the parking lot after work and find his vehicle strewn with rubbers removed from their package, as a reminder of the day....
Anyone have any other new guy stories?
god that's funny. thanks for posting that again AZ. even funnier the second time.
as for new guy stories, here's mine. and yes, since i'm a rookie the jokes on me.
patroling a high school basketball game in the p. lot outside after it ended. lots of activity about. i could tell that shit was gonna go down so i jumped out of the car. sure enough here comes G-dog and his fuck wad chronies screamin "we gonna fuck shit up". so i try to stop them from getting to their intended targets. end up in a minor wrestle with and take him down & hook 'em. by now the world showed up. i stand him up (we're in the middle of the parking lot) all the spots are on me. i'm feeling all bad ass. well after a minute i look down and notice his pants are at his ankles.
i was forever known as the guy who got the BG for "FELONIOUS DE-PANTING".
not as good as AZ's story by a long shot, but thought i'd share.
That's just nasty AZ.
My favorite isn't the funniest story but it sure is dumb.
Our resident "just off training" officer was dispatched to a traffic collision at one of out larger intersections. the text of the call stated it was a non-injury accident and that the roadway was clear. I was not doing anything important at the time, so I swung by to see if he needed a hand with anything. As I got near the intersection, there was smoke EVERYWHERE and traffic was at a standstill. Since he was onscene and he had not updated on the radio, I figured the situation was handled and I would wait till I pulled up to see WTF was going on.
As I pulled up, the officer was casually talking to the parties who were on the side of the road out of traffic. About every 10 inches was a lit roadflare. There had to be 45 flares out on the (unblocked) road. It was 1230 in the afternoon. The air was so acrid, we had to redirect pedestrian traffic until the FD put the &*^damned things out for us.
This guys "fireworks display" caused such a rubber-necker bottleneck that myself and another officer spent the next hour and a half assisting with the 5 (I am not exaggerating) rear-end collisions that occoured after the original...
needless to say, he was only allowed to carry cones from now on.
edited because I spell like a fifth grader.
When I first started in LE, one of my duties was dispatcher and I one night the old salties got me good. As I was monitering the radio a call came in from the shift supervisor advising about an abandoned car on the railroad tracks with the train coming. As he called out the tag I quickly ran it on the TC terminal and low and behold.......it was mine! My NEW car! As I ran like a heathen out to the parking lot where my car was parked, there was the whole shift laughing their ass off.
I feel safer now.....
My first day of FTO happened to be when the clocks get turned an hour forward. Yep, forgot about the time change and sauntered in to rollcall with no one there but the desk officer. My FTO got called back to the station to pick me up. He is now my patrol Sergeant, every spring he reminds me to make sure I set my clock.