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Posted: 11/21/2008 9:15:40 PM EDT
I've been hearing a lot of shit about colon cleansing on AM radio lately. According to the guy on the radio, I could possibly have 15 pounds of fecal matter lining my colon walls which is poisoning my body and making me feel like shit. I say to myself, "I've never heard of such, what the fuck is this shit all about?!" Sounds like snake oil to me.

Anyone ever tried this colon cleanse shit?
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:16:35 PM EDT
In.
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:16:58 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/21/2008 9:18:40 PM EDT by crashburnrepeat]
you are going to be laying cable in the toilet.


edited to add: instead of some program where you basically eat a shit ton of clay, fiber and bran and crap out mega ropes, just go to the drug store and get a Fleets bowel cleanser.

tastes like crap, but will COMPLETELY clean you out. I have the picture to prove it from a colonoscopy a few years ago.
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:17:27 PM EDT
I wanna try it. Being able to say you had your colon cleansed sounds like a great story to be able to tell when you're sitting around drinking
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:17:32 PM EDT
nothing goes in the out holes.
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:17:47 PM EDT
I prefer Colon Blow
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:17:47 PM EDT
You should have posted this earlier in the day to get moar/better responses.


Oh, and in.
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:17:54 PM EDT
Originally Posted By crashburnrepeat:
you are going to be laying cable in the toilet.



Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:18:40 PM EDT
If you really want to cleanse your system, try taking 2-3 TBS of flax seed.
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:19:03 PM EDT
Isn't that stuff popular in the gay community?
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:20:12 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:21:03 PM EDT
Originally Posted By shootemup:
If you really want to cleanse your system, try taking 2-3 TBS of flax seed.


chase that with a hotpocket and you'll drop a lung
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:21:59 PM EDT
The better way to go is with a sack full of Krystals after you drink a 12 pack.
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:23:11 PM EDT
you know the folklore is that john wayne's autopsy revealed 40+ pounds of impacted feces.
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:24:17 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:24:24 PM EDT
Chipotle, their hot sauce works for me.
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:24:42 PM EDT
Didn't Penn & Teller cover this in one of their shows?
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:25:23 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Gloftoe:
Originally Posted By rykn0w:
you know the folklore is that john wayne's autopsy revealed 40+ pounds of impacted feces.


Here's to hoping you were joking.


but of course.
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:27:58 PM EDT
Those ads are false. If you have any "fecal material impacted on your colon walls like spackle", you would be DEAD.

The small intestine absorbs digested products, from the sugars released by amalyse enzymes from carbohydrates to the amino acids from the action of pepsin on proteins and finally, fatty acids from the action of lipase on triglycerides. After the absorption and the pH rises, benefical bactera multiply, further releasing some fatty acids. In the large intestine, the bacteria form as much as half the volume of the stool. If you eat a lot of fiber, further fermentation happens, sometimes making more gas that can be handled.

But ALL of it comes out. There is NOTHING that can "adhere" to the intestines. NOTHING! The endothelium is CONSTANTLY being sloughed off into the mucus layers which protect and lubricate the colon.

Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:31:58 PM EDT
Watch 'The Road to Wellville' sometime...
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:32:08 PM EDT
Bud Light is a liquid enema.

Go for it.

HH
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:33:48 PM EDT
Originally Posted By rykn0w:
you know the folklore is that john wayne's autopsy revealed 40+ pounds of impacted feces.


That would be Elvis
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:34:27 PM EDT
You could always eat some low fat Pringles
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:35:33 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:36:02 PM EDT
Originally Posted By stoner63a:
Isn't that stuff popular in the gay community?


Whu!? Uh, I've never heard that before!




Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:38:57 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/21/2008 9:45:08 PM EDT by xd675]
Originally Posted By Barney_Calhoun:
I've been hearing a lot of shit about colon cleansing on AM radio lately. According to the guy on the radio, I could possibly have 15 pounds of fecal matter lining my colon walls which is poisoning my body and making me feel like shit. I say to myself, "I've never heard of such, what the fuck is this shit all about?!" Sounds like snake oil to me.

Anyone ever tried this colon cleanse shit?


AWWW SHIT NOT THIS!!!

I was stuck in the hospital a few weeks ago with this infomercial on the TV in my room in the ER. I was trapped. My IV wouldnt stretch far enough for me to turn the channel, and the nurse left the call button on the counter out of my reach.

Nothing like being forced to watch that queer with the dirty sanchez on his face talking about "impacted fecal matter" over and over and over for 4 hours.

Fucking water boarding would have been more enjoyable.
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:38:59 PM EDT
Originally Posted By HoustonHusker:
Bud Light is a liquid enema.

Go for it.

HH


I'm on my 11th Bud Ice. I'll let you know tomorrow.
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:39:33 PM EDT
Originally Posted By nosliw:
Originally Posted By shootemup:
If you really want to cleanse your system, try taking 2-3 TBS of flax seed.


chase that with a hotpocket and you'll drop a lung


OMG, thats bringing back some horrible memories of massive massive massive dumps.
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:46:56 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/21/2008 9:48:23 PM EDT by 2tired2run]
sick basterad of a co worker took that crap and sent pictures, it looked like 4 foot long hairy snakes....it brought up yesterdays breakfast


I wouldn't do it, just drink a few tablespoons of karo you'll be clean as a whistle. Makes you go into labor as well....how I know is a whole other thread
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:47:57 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Frank_The_Tank:
Chipotle, their hot sauce works for me.


You mean Tabasco?
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 9:58:06 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/21/2008 9:58:58 PM EDT by Treadhead]
Timely thread!

My helper at work has been hearing those ad's too and tried to call the number in the commercial the other day (He dialed wrong).

I told him, if he REALLY wanted to experience "High-pressure" colon cleansing (), all he had to do was to go to Wally World and spend $5 on a bottle of Phospho soda and he could shit his brains out on the cheap!

He got some yesterday and was going to take it tonight. I told him to stay close to the bathroom.

Next week, I think I'll see if I can convince to try a dose of ipecac so he can see what the OTHER extreme feels like......
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 10:00:05 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 10:08:49 PM EDT
If you're really worried that your colon may not be clean (and KeithJ is right, pretty much nothing, certainly nothing that's food, is going to attach itself to the lining of your colon), get a bottle of Fleet Phospho-Soda and follow the directions.

As probably the youngest recipient of a colonoscopy on these boards, and being marginally lucid during the procedure (they give you some FANTASTIC drugs), I guarantee you, after taking that your colon is shiny pink and clean as Intel's chip fab.

Oh, and do yourself a favor. Get a good, long book, and don't go more than twenty feet from the toilet. And make sure you drink plenty of water.
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 10:17:45 PM EDT
GD NEVER gets old and repetitive, someone always seems to be able to come up with a fucking weird topic at least once a day.
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 10:18:29 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 10:19:15 PM EDT
The idea is you put a shotgun shell in your anus, and wait for the pressure to build...
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 11:25:00 PM EDT
Eat plenty of fruits and veggies. That is all the colon cleanse you need. Flame suit...ON.
Link Posted: 11/21/2008 11:40:54 PM EDT
Originally Posted By shrikefan:
Eat plenty of fruits and veggies. That is all the colon cleanse you need. Flame suit...ON.


[arfcomdietitian] Wrong, we're supposed to eat nothing but meat! rawr, you'll go pale as a corpse and loose all your teeth if you eat anything less!111! [/arfcomdietitian]

Link Posted: 11/22/2008 12:06:33 AM EDT
Link Posted: 11/22/2008 12:07:17 AM EDT
Originally Posted By rykn0w:
you know the folklore is that john wayne's autopsy revealed 40+ pounds of impacted feces.


There's a big difference between the average person and a large man dying from cancer and dehydrating.
Link Posted: 11/22/2008 12:07:49 AM EDT
Colon Cleanse, a Couple Of Tijuana Mamas and a bottle of Thunderbird.
Link Posted: 11/22/2008 12:08:43 AM EDT
Originally Posted By 1Andy2:
I prefer Colon Blow




SNL, right?
Link Posted: 11/22/2008 12:14:27 AM EDT
Originally Posted By kevinb120:
Originally Posted By rykn0w:
you know the folklore is that john wayne's autopsy revealed 40+ pounds of impacted feces.


That would be Elvis


Yup, I heard that when Elvis did John Wayne's autopsy, he found enough to respackle his whole bathroom.
Link Posted: 11/22/2008 12:17:38 AM EDT
just get food poisoning. my colon feels pretty clean right now, what with all that water ive been shitting.
Link Posted: 11/22/2008 12:28:08 AM EDT
Dave Barry's account of his colonoscopy..

... I called my friend Andy Sable, a Gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis ..

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.)

Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish thecommode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.
You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter ofMoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like
that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are
actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the Anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time,the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ....' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during exams were quite humorous...... A physician claimedthat the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) before or after their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
13. 'How far up did you go? I now have a sore throat.'

And the best one of all..
14. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Link Posted: 11/22/2008 12:37:14 AM EDT
Originally Posted By Gloftoe:
Originally Posted By Chesh97:
Looks like you went ahead and did it huh


We're all dumber now that we've watched that.

"One colon cleansing is not enough. It's a process!" Riiiiiiight.


If I am paying $500 to a woman for a "process"...she better be hot.

Why do people believe this SHIT?

Link Posted: 11/22/2008 12:39:06 AM EDT
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
13. 'How far up did you go? I now have a sore throat.'

And the best one of all..
14. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'


PRICELESS!!
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