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Posted: 9/26/2004 3:06:16 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/26/2004 3:07:39 PM EDT by Palo_Duro]
By Brian K. White

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Well trianed in their military campaigns of recent years, Coca-Cola has wisely set their sites, once again, on the wealthy nation of Somalia.

Coca-Cola was forced to withdraw their 8,000 peacekeeping troops from Somalia when war broke out in 1989. The civil scene has since subsided and civilians, long thirsty for caffeinated cola, seem eager to embrace the armed forces being provided by Coca-Cola.

Coca-Cola, the eighth largest world economic power and fifth largest military power justifies this move saying, "U.S. and freedom fighting coalition forces have long fought to stabilize this region. Now, with national security in the balance our armed forces are well poised to help re-estabish peace in Somalia."

While critics have cited the placement of interim prime minister Josef Smithaf (devout Mormon who claims Muslim decent) opening of a Coca-Cola pipeline as the primary grounds for military presence in Somalia, corporate representatives insist their presence is in the spirit of peace.

"It's not just because Somalia is sitting on the world's second largest reserve of Coca-Cola, critics need to shut the hell up," says Jake Haffrey, spokesman for Coca-Cola's military division, "The pipeline is secondary, we're interested in democracy the world over. This isn't an opportunistic move, all colas are allowed equal representation. Historically the people have always chosen Coke over the other guys and when Pepsi decides to send missionaries to the region, we'll be ready for a popular vote."

Pepsi has faced growing complication in recent years, including third-party vote detractors such as RC, Tab, and numerous local generic brands. Pepsi, whose own military forces are less than half of those from Coca-Cola has not yet announced any new military actions in Africa.

Military correspondent Wolf "check me in danger" Blitzer explains that "Pepsi is ill-equipped to take on a land war in Africa. Their tanks are Korean War era, their troops have been fattened by their KFC, Taco Bell, and Pizza Hut rations. In fact, the only thing keeping them in the cold beverage war is their advanced satellite network and their popular Pepsi Challenge vote, however slanted it may be. They're still bent on coming out on top so we should expect air strips on [Coca-] cola plants and rebel strikes on the pipeline."

More on this story as it develops.

Link Posted: 9/26/2004 3:22:29 PM EDT
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 3:34:54 PM EDT
What the?
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 3:42:57 PM EDT
So MICROSOFT has the largest and best equipped Militia
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 3:58:45 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Bobby_the_Hun:
So MICROSOFT has the largest and best equipped Militia

Microsoft is goverment owned, USA controls 98% of all computers, you didn't know this? Bill gates doesn't exist. Have you ever met him? He is simply a puppet in this little tactic to control the world.
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 4:49:50 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Bobby_the_Hun:
So MICROSOFT has the largest and best equipped Militia

MICROSOFT does have a shooting club as does Boeing.
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