PRESIDENTIAL ACTION FIGURES

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As Americans, we respect, honor and revere our presidents. But, for security reasons, we cannot take them home and play with them.

Until now, that is. Because now you, or some fortunate individual on your holiday gift list, can own a talking action figure of current President George W. Bush, or former President Bill ''Bill'' Clinton, or former President George ''Herbert Walker'' Bush.

These figures are crafted with superb skill to look exactly like small, severely mutated versions of the people they theoretically represent. And they talk! Thanks to the miracle of electronics, when you push a little button, these action figures randomly emit recordings of actual statements made by the original humans. For example, the George W. Bush doll says, among other things: ''You're working hard to put food on your family.'' The Bill Clinton doll says, among other things: ''I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.''

The same company also makes talking action figures of Donald Rumsfeld, Dennis Miller and Ann Coulter. (Really.) As of this writing, there is no Monica Lewinsky action figure, so we will refrain from speculating on what her ''action'' would be.