My submission:

"Hillary Clinton's aids apologized today after the junior Senator from New York, stumping for John Kerry, went out into public prior to applying her usual makeup.    Ms. Clinton, a genetic malformation and half-breed Orc known as an Uruki, usually endures two hours of cosmetic makeup treatment each morning before entering the public light, but apparently forgot today.   Funeral services for a small child frightened to death by Ms. Clinton's appearance will be held on Tuesday"

"Sweden's new national Norse Santa Claus makes a big hit with local school children in preparation for the upcoming holidays"

This is what doctors told Michael Jackson would happen if he had anymore plastic surgery.

In unrelated news, the family of another boy is now suing MJ on grounds of sexual abuse.

In other news, the local elementary school has announced its new hall monitor program. Pictured is an unnamed monitor demonstrating loving restraint in performance of her duties, she was quoted as saying "self esteem is so important with children, which is why we pick them up and hold them, so that they feel loved." Admininstrators have noticed a dramatic shift in behavioral norms in the children, with agression and misbehavior at an all time low.