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Posted: 10/24/2001 3:12:50 PM EDT
Of course the harsh voice and the fake cough works. I also always call in for two consecutive days so no one is none the wiser. But I was wondering if any of you guys have any creative excuses like: "Hello boss, I can't make it to work today. The voices in my head told me to clean all my guns, but I can come in later if you guys really need me." "Hello boss, I can't make it in today. Very sick. Think I have anthrax. I went into your office yesterday and saw some white powder on you desk so I wiped it off, and now I feel really bad."
Link Posted: 10/24/2001 3:14:28 PM EDT
Me: "Hey Boss, I'm not coming in today or tomorrow. See ya then." Boss: "Cool, catch up to you then." Click.
Link Posted: 10/24/2001 3:17:51 PM EDT
joke. me"i'm not coming in today" boss"don't come in tommorow"
Link Posted: 10/24/2001 3:17:54 PM EDT
You: "Hey Boss, can't make itin today, I have your wife and daughter in bed with me, and the tag team is going to be going on for what looks like the rest of the day and most of tommorow, Choi". Him: " ". (what *can* he say?)
Link Posted: 10/24/2001 3:22:03 PM EDT
Don't know. I haven't called in sick since 1988 and have only taken a total of 4 sick days in over 21 years at the same job. Guess I'm funny like that.
Link Posted: 10/24/2001 3:22:11 PM EDT
Originally Posted By OffRoad: me"i'm not coming in today" boss"don't come in tommorow"
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"Woohoo! Four day weekend!" - a la Homer Simpson
Link Posted: 10/24/2001 3:28:34 PM EDT
Link Posted: 10/24/2001 3:36:11 PM EDT
Hey, Boss, I really need your opinion on something! Hate to bother you with my problems, but I knew you could provide good advice and I am really embarrassed to discuss it with somebody I don't trust as much as you! Should I be worried about a lot of blood in my stool or is this normal? I've never had it happen before. At least not THIS much blood! Usually the bowell movement is just black. But this time I can see red blood in the toilet as well. Do you think I should have my Doctor check this out tommorrow? [:X*] DaMan Aw, damn I'm sorry to bother you and don't want to sound like a hypochondriac!
Link Posted: 10/24/2001 3:42:56 PM EDT
First, as a boss I always accept the first person to give me an original reason for not being @ work, and the best to date (6 years) Is a 'booty' call. Second: I call and say, Hi I have an eye problem, I cant see coming to work!
Link Posted: 10/24/2001 3:43:22 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 10/24/2001 3:39:30 PM EDT by I_Luv_Carrots]
"Hello. Boss? It's me. I can't come to work today" "Why not" "Well, yesterday, we had a little family crisis. I was sitting watching television, when I heard some strange show-tunes coming from my sons bedroom. I went upstaris to check on him, and when I opened the door, there he wasx, in a full legnth satin ballgown wearing lipstick, and dancing with a blow-up doll that looked strangely like Tom Selleck. Well, I was shocked, and I lost it. I grabbed the blow up doll, and spanked him- BUT HE LIKED IT! I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! So, I put him in the car, and took him to the Psychiatrist. I was waiting in the lobby for the longest time, and I figured out that something must be wrong. I went into the office, and it WAS EMPTY! All that was there was a note from my son, saying how sorry he was for what he put me through, and that "he couldn't help it", and that he ran off to San Francisco with the SHRINK!" Well, I freaked, and called the police. I got a call from my son- He is in Las Vegas with the shrink, living in a gay community as Sigfried and Roy's HOUSEBOY! Well, I booked a ticket for the next flight, went out there- But I got caught up playing the $5 slots. I HIT THE DAMN JACKPOT! WOULD BELIEVE IT! I WON 500,000 DOLLARS! Well, that took my mind off the problem with my son, but what can I say. I love the kid, so I went after him (in my new Porche)- I got to Sigfried and Roys comppund, and asked them to release my son. They said they would only do it if I could slay one of thier white tigers. They made me dress up in a white diaper, and gave me a spear. All of thier gay friends came over, and watched me do battle with a white tiger in this big collesium thing they built in thier back yard. Well, I beat the tiger, but he hurt me pretty bad. So, i'm in a Vegas hospital being tended to by my transvestite son wearing a tigerskin blanket, and I just don't think i'll be able to make it into work today."
Link Posted: 10/24/2001 3:44:44 PM EDT
Here is a funny one... I keep a log of all the "death in the family" excuses for each of my workers. I had one guy give 18 "death in the family" excuses in 4 years he worked for me. The list included 2 grandfathers, 2 uncles, 4 aunts, 1 brother, 1 step-sister, 2 fathers (one was step-father) 3 cousins and 3 grandmothers! I asked about the 3rd grandmother and he claimed she was the step-mother to his mother so he called her grand-ma?!?! Another time I asked why he had so many deaths in his family and he claimed his family was cursed by a Santaria Prist back when they lived in Cuba because of something his grandfather did during the Spanish-American War. Finally I asked how old his grandfather was when he died and he said 97 yrs old. That meant his grandfather "did something" when he was less than 1 yrs old. I did have one hard working kid call me one morning to say he was taking a sick day because he was sick and tired of the work. I told him to take 2 days off. He really did work very hard for previous 3 weeks and he really needed a break to cool his head. I call those "attitude adjustment days". I really hate it when they lie to me to take a sick day. They have every right to take a sick day when they are sick but don't lie to me just to take a day off. Use one of the vacations days and at the end of the year if they still have some sick days I'll let them use it during low time like between Christmas and New Years. That sounds fair, doesn't it?
Link Posted: 10/24/2001 3:46:39 PM EDT
Originally Posted By DaMan: But this time I can see red blood in the toilet as well.[:X*] DaMan
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Urrgh! That reminds me of why I'm glad I'm not a boss anymore. I had this one nasty old (60+ years old) woman employee who was an ex Navy WAVE. She didn't show up for work one day and then came in the next. I (managerial like) asked her why she didn't show up without calling. She growled at me (in front of 10 other employees) that she was "gushing blood out my a**, what the f**k you expect me to do?!" That was the one time I Really regretted going into management. [puke]
Link Posted: 10/24/2001 4:20:36 PM EDT
"I got Anthrax" or is it still too soon for a joke like that?
Link Posted: 10/24/2001 4:25:54 PM EDT
Call in well. I feel too good to come in today and ruin it.
Link Posted: 10/24/2001 4:28:56 PM EDT
Me: "Boss, I gotta call in blind today." Boss: "Blind???" Me: "Yeah, I just can't see myself coming into work today." or Me: "Boss, I gotta call in scared today." Boss: "Scared???" Me: "Yeah, I'm afraid I just can't make it in today". Ba-dum-bum. Thank you..Thank you very much. I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitress. Goodnight.
Link Posted: 10/24/2001 4:33:41 PM EDT
There was a problem with my car. I wasn't in it to drive to work.
Link Posted: 10/24/2001 4:34:27 PM EDT
Unlike most of these, here are some actual items from where I worked and have worked: "I have two flat tires. Bye." "Yeah, I'm Roger's wife and I'm calling in for him. The doctor said he might have the flu and he could be sick for anywhere from two days to two weeks." "I've got diarrhea and I just had an accident, so I can't make it." "My dog blew out his knee and I need to stay home so that I can carry him outside when he uses the bathroom." "My girlfriend locked me in the house." These were all accepted and were from well-paid employees of two different utility companies.
Link Posted: 10/24/2001 4:55:38 PM EDT
About 20 years ago I parked my car inside my parents garage during the night since my parents were away on vacation. In the morning the electricity went out and I could not get the garage door open. I called my boss and told him I'll be in as soon as the electricity came back on. Needless to say he thought I was giving him shit. About 3 hours later my boss came to the house during lunch time to catch me playing around. When I showed him that the electricity was still out and that the garage door wouldn't open he tried to open the door by lifting it. I told him the installers didn't finish yet and was told not to open the door manually. Well, he figured I was lying and lifted the door as hard as he could and the entire door and the track came down on my car and my fathers car! He ended up having to pay my father about $3,000 for the damage.
Link Posted: 10/24/2001 11:11:13 PM EDT
I used to work with a real psycho and when he was off his meds and/or "doin rails" he would just call the boss and say "I'm feelin dangerous..." and hang up. Gotta love them govt jobs.
Link Posted: 10/24/2001 11:21:03 PM EDT
Me:I can't make it in today, I'm sick. Boss:What's wrong? Me: Well, every once in a while me and my brother in law go out and get really drunk. Boss:That's no excuse. Me: I know but see, he's abusive when he's drunk. He goes home and beats on my sister, and she comes and stays at my place. We always end up on the living room floor screwing our brains out. Boss: You have sex with your sister? Me: I told you I was sick..
Link Posted: 10/24/2001 11:36:58 PM EDT
There is no excuse unless you are actually sick.... Here's the one I use "I won't be in today, I'll be taking a sick day, thank you bu-bye".
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 12:39:17 AM EDT
I have eye trouble.......... I just can't SEE a reason to come to work today.......... [:D]
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 1:15:48 AM EDT
I used the "snow" excuse a few times. Of course it only works if your near snow. Does it snow in Texas?
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 1:43:02 AM EDT
I have to contact a crew caller in Topeka, Kansas to call in sick. We have to enter our employee number and personal identification number so they know who is calling before they ever pick up the phone. Additionally, every call is recorded so it isn't a wise move to monkey around or concoct wild stories. Since they cannot deny us the ability to lay off sick, that is how I always take time off. I probably call in sick an average of 4-5 times a month.
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 2:49:16 AM EDT
After being in retail management more years than I care to admit, my favorite has to be a call I took from a new employee who couldn't come in because his gunshot wound was seeping. I never dreamt that the moron was serious and said to him that I hated it when that happened. Seems he really did have a seeping gunshot wound. He had been gutshot a year before and it never healed correctly. Needless to say, he didn't remain with the company for very long.
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 3:10:58 AM EDT
I wish that all I had to do was call in sick. I have to go spend half the day at medical and fill out endless paperwork just to be considered sick. Navy, it's not just a job, it's an indenture!
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 3:26:46 AM EDT
"Hey Boss, I got arrested......and I am in jail awaiting trial."
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 8:00:25 AM EDT
Originally Posted By brouhaha: This thread has nothing to do with AR's and should be locked. I'm offended that some of you would call in sick to work.
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[shock] what he said!
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 8:21:47 AM EDT
Originally Posted By Noname: I used to work with a real psycho and when he was off his meds and/or "doin rails" he would just call the boss and say "I'm feelin dangerous..." and hang up. Gotta love them govt jobs.
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roflmao
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 8:23:40 AM EDT
"since I've used up all my sick days, I'm calling in dead"
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 8:38:54 AM EDT
At my department when we call off sick we have to give a reason and it goes on the call off form which is sent to payroll, ridicules. I started to give the following reason hoping that they will get tired of or offended by reading them and no longer require a reason; 1) Explosive diarrhea. 2) Anal bleeding. 3) Painful green odorous discharge when I urinate. 4) Swollen testicles. 5) Bloody stool. 6) Painful erection that won't go away. If I can convince the rest of the Officers on my Dept. to go along with this then maybe just "sick" will be enough. So far they think I'm crazy.
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 8:45:01 AM EDT
Sukebe, Man that is good! LMAO! If I tried that at my department, I would get my twins lopped off! That's real good!
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 8:54:13 AM EDT
[b]Sukebe[/b], there are somethings better left to the imagination.
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 9:24:45 AM EDT
I actually had this happen: Me: Hello Steve, this is Eric, I won't be able to come in tonight. Steve: How come? Me: My Pit Bull ate something - and I don't know what it was, but I just took him out, and he has really bad diarrhea. If I leave him alone he might crap all over my apartment. Steve: That's no excuse - you should come in to work. Me: No excuse? Ok, I will drop him off at your place before I come in, or I will just bring him in with me. I hate cleaning up piles of dog shit, Steve. Steve: ......... Me: Ok, see you tomorrow.
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 10:44:29 AM EDT
Back when I was working at QFC (a local grocrery store) I was taking this medication that could really screw you up if they got the doseage wrong. When they uped my dosage I had a bad reaction. My eyes had tears flowing out of them like a river, my lips dried out and cracked causing them to bleed, my nose bled, my skin dried out and began to flake off my face. I also had what I can only describe as the "raging shits." When I called in my boss didn't believe me so he came to my house (we didn't have a good relationship and he would bust my balls at every chance). He asked to se me and upon seeing me promtly vomited all over our front porch. He never questioned me about a sick day again. Kyle
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 11:01:14 AM EDT
A guy I went to college with used this excuse: "I can't come in to work today, my sister just had an abortion, and I have to stay home to console her." He said it worked, at least once at each job he worked at while in college. Sheesh...
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 11:26:02 AM EDT
Okay.....let me see if I can clear up a few points. 1. You move to Texas. 2. You get laid off in Texas. 3. You are out of work for a while and bitch, whine, and complain about not having a job or any money. 4. You get hired back at the same company about a [b]month ago.[/b] 5. You are looking for ways to call in sick. I hope you aren't actually planning on calling in sick. If you are your work ethic sucks and it might explain why you laid off to begin with...and probably again. No flame meant..just an observation. sgtar15
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 11:34:16 AM EDT
Pink eye.
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 11:55:31 AM EDT
Well it sucks to be me I guess... Since I'm an administrator I TELL people I'm not coming in because I'm sick. Although I'm very easy going when the techs want to take a day or two off, either because they are sick or for "mental health" reasons. Since they don't have to make excuses, they never worry about calling in. Nobody takes advantage of it, and they can take any day off. Av.
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 12:49:39 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 10/25/2001 12:46:26 PM EDT by zakcode]
..while a manager at a grocery store a couple years ago i had a guy call in and say his cat was stuck in a tree. i had my suspicions this guy was a tweeker so i figured he should stay home and away from the store. the next day he calls. his cat is stuck in the tree. i told him that he told me that the day before he freeked and said he would be right in.as he was walking in he tripped over the threshold of the door spraining his wrist.i sent him to the hospital to get it looked at and the of course they do a tox screen to see if he had any drugs or booze in his system. he did. he was terminated and had to pay workers comp back for the bill.don't know if his cat was in the tree or not.... i had another guy call in and say he was too drunk to come in. at least he was honest. had to let him go a few weeks later for missing too much work. he took off a week and didn't call in.....
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 3:27:17 PM EDT
Originally Posted By sgtar15: Okay.....let me see if I can clear up a few points. 1. You move to Texas. 2. You get laid off in Texas. 3. You are out of work for a while and bitch, whine, and complain about not having a job or any money. 4. You get hired back at the same company about a [b]month ago.[/b] 5. You are looking for ways to call in sick. I hope you aren't actually planning on calling in sick. If you are your work ethic sucks and it might explain why you laid off to begin with...and probably again. No flame meant..just an observation. sgtar15
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Did not get laid off. I quit. Went back a week ago and yes I did call in sick. As far as work ethic; in my last job I have only missed worked 4days due to illness in the 3 years I worked there. That was due to having my gallbladder operated on. The only reason I agreed to going back to this job is cause my ass was broke as hell and the bills were piling up. They had asked me back cause after they laid off 10% of the staff, and I left. People started leaving left and right too. So they were strapped. I saw my old boss at a gunshow, he called me up a few days later to see what I was doing and if I would consider coming back. The propects were grim and so I figure, if there's no string attached, I might as well go for it and pay some bills finally. I hate this job, and I can't see anything that is even remotely good about it. So I take little breaks every now and again. My thoughts are, if a company I work for gives me respect, I will return. If not I will be just a body in the process of things. This firm is so screwed up that the people there quit by the droves and they are still clueless as to why people quit. They continue to undermine their staff.
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 7:47:50 PM EDT
Here's what I always do - make up an excuse that they have to believe just because they don't think anyone would have the balls to be such a miserable liar : Got into a car accident on the way to work, need to get all the shit taken care of. I'm ok, but the car's pretty screwed up and the other person got hurt. (call from cell phone on the corner where there's some traffic). Then drive wifes car for a while or if you work in large company, no one even knows what your car looks like in the first place. or Mother just went into the hospital - they're not sure what the problem is - need to stand by and BTW - no cell phones in hospital are allowed. etc. . . make it a pretty bad one, but something that could actually happen.
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 8:32:27 PM EDT
My late Brother was a real card sometimes. He called in to work one day and the conversation went like this: Bro: "I'm not coming to work today. I can't see." Work: "Is something wrong with your eyes?" Bro: "No, I just can't see coming to work today!"
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 8:40:24 PM EDT
I work early in the morning and called in was still half asleep and told them I was sick and they said what are you sick from and I said you pick and hung up the phone. Well when you take one Day off you get the next day free. So I called off again that night. Following day went to work and the supervisor called laughing and siad what do you mean you pick. He asked if I was still asleep and I told him well kind of I felt really Bad. Hell no I wasn't Sick.
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 8:47:13 PM EDT
I laughed so hard at the excuses on the second page, that my stomache hurt! ----- Erasmus...Feeling Dangerous (click)
Link Posted: 10/25/2001 9:09:07 PM EDT
My two most memorable... "Esther, I'm gonna take a well day to-day." "Well day?" "Yeah. Frankly, I'm in a good mood right now, got a little last nite, and I just feel too damn good to come in and let you F*** it up for me. See ya to-morrow." Result - Day off, paid (and she forgot to take it off my sickies...) "I'll be in late. I don't know how late. No, I can't guess - and I gotta go. My back yard's on fire!" Punchline - this one was true. While I was about to get written up for it (she was doing the paperwork!) one of the other guys at the shop saw me on the news helping the firemen and getting things back into some semblance of order... No repercussions there, either. FFZ
Link Posted: 10/26/2001 9:04:32 AM EDT
I won't be in today as my wife is having a baby............. 9 months from now.
Link Posted: 10/26/2001 10:04:17 AM EDT
Boss, I can't come in today, somebody stole the water out of my battery. It's a Japanese battery and I was told that it will blow up if I don't use Japanese water to refill it. Do you know where I can get some? Boss replies, Your fired bitch, and when you do find the Japanese water, stick it up you ass. HE HE HE
Link Posted: 10/26/2001 11:31:28 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 10/26/2001 11:25:43 AM EDT by Chimborazo]
Originally Posted By Sukebe: 1) Explosive diarrhea. 2) Anal bleeding. 3) Painful green odorous discharge when I urinate. 4) Swollen testicles. 5) Bloody stool. 6) Painful erection that won't go away.
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LOL!! I used to use "Explosive diarrhea" all the time for why I was late. If we were over 1 minute late at that job, we had to give the supervisor on duty a reason that was entered in the system. Once a month, your supervisor would pull the report. Mine was hilarious...I think I still have it somewhere. I wish I had seen this list six years ago.
Link Posted: 10/26/2001 3:53:05 PM EDT
dog ate my keys [:o)]
Link Posted: 10/26/2001 4:11:09 PM EDT
I was the recipient of this I can't-come-in-excuse. One of the programmers, let's call him Billy mainly because that's his name, called in with this excuse..."Raccoons broke into our home last night and ate all wiring for the computer and cable TV." Billy and his hide live downtown in an apartment building !
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