An older man approaches a younger woman inside a shopping mall.
"Excuse me," he said.
"I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Sure. Do you know where your wife might be?"
"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere."
One engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."
The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night I we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't' say a word. We just had wild sex all night."
The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said:
"Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"
Ok, I guess I have to break out the big guns.
This is the funniest joke I have ever heard. I try to avoid telling it because I don't want it to get worn out by being passed around all over the world in e-mails. But, what the hell ?
Usually men die laughing at this joke and woman don't think it is funny at all.
If, by some chance, this has already been told, excuse me. I didn't go back through the whole thread to check. This thread has been going on for awhile.
A guy tells his wife that he is going to his best friend's batchelor party. His wife throws a fit: "you told me you were going to settle down when we got married. You said you were going to stop going to parties, you said you were going to stop drinking, I know there are going to be strippers there..............."
He says, Look, I have to go. This is my best friend. But, I won't drink. I will be good. Nothing is going to happen."
Within a half hour at the party, he is drunk out of his mind and throws up all over the front of his shirt. He says to his buddy, "I'm dead. My wife is going to see this and she is going to kill me. She knew I would do this."
His friend says, "Don't worry about it. Just tell her that I got drunk and threw up on your shirt and I stuck $20 in your shirt pocket to buy you a new shirt."
So the guy goes home and as soon as he walks in the door his wife goes crazy. "I knew I couldn't trust you. I knew you would break your promise......."
The guys says, "No, wait. I didn't get drunk and throw up. My buddy did. He gave me $20 to get a new shirt since he threw up on it."
His wife says, "Ok, but why is there $40 here ? "
"Because he shit my pants too."
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by children)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if
you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and
she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find
out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty- three is the best age because you know the person
FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get
to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you
listen long enough
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all
the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys
need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is . . .
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks
like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
'I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.'
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
James Holt McGavran
'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
This one has gotten me smacked around more than any other joke. Please remember ladies, you can always change gender and body parts to make it yours.
Fred meets up with an old friend and asks what's up.
Friend says he's almost done with his sex change from man to woman.
Fred says wow! Did it hurt when they cut your penis off????
Friend says no, that didn't hurt at all. What really hurt was when they cut open my head and removed half my brains!!
(you can change it to breasts to make it yours *hint hint* ow! quit hitting me already....please??)
Great jokes, keep it going.
I hope this is a true story. I got all choked up reading it.
Was just reading the "stupid things you've said to your wife" thread and remembered this joke:
A woman tells her husband she wants a boob job, the husband tells her that it's too expensive and that if she wanted bigger boobs she should rub toilet paper between her breasts untill they got larger. The wife asks "will that really work?" Husband replies "it worked for your ass didn't it?"
Why do you want to make us get something in our eyes? Thank you.
The Blonde & The Heart Attack
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!'
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
'You rotten b*#[email protected]' she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!
I've often been asked, "what do you older people do now that you're retired?"
Well, I have a friend who has a chemistry background and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, bourbon, and wine into urine.
And, by golly, we're pretty damn good at it!!"
What's the best thing about going on a date with a homeless girl?
You can drop her off anywhere.
Now I've gotta go clean out muh genes!!!
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.'
at both of those.
The sad part is that I believe the NYT would do such a thing.
Consider Living Your Next Life Backwards
Try living your next life backwards!
You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.
Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.
When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.
So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.
As you get even younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.
In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap. Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.
The ONLY flaw I can find in this is us women having to give birth to senior citizens.
Barack Obama, the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate, is for banning all guns in America. He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping
A woman went to the town's new doctor for a checkup. He was gorgeous!
He said he was going to put his hand on her back and wanted her to say
"Eighty - Eight."
"Eighty-eight." she purred. Doctor said "Good, now I'm going to put my hand on your stomach, and I want you to say 'Eighty-eight.'
"Eighty-eight." "Fine", said the Doc, "now I'm going to put my hand on your chest, and I want you to say 'Eighty-eight.'
"One, two, three, four, . ."
The Clintons and the Gores are out at dinner and having
a really great time, lots of drinks and friendly flirting. Bill
Clinton looks out over the table and says, "You know, we're
such good friends, why don't we swap for one night and make the
sex more exciting ?" They all think it's a great idea, and they
head off to their bedrooms. Suddenly Bill Clinton hears Hillary
from the next room screaming uncontrollably with pleasure. He
starts to get a little jealous, so he asks, "I wonder what
Hillary could be getting that makes her that happy ?"
Then Al Gore, lying next to him says, "I don't know, but Tipper
must be really hot tonight!"
Two young men were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
One says to the other, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"
The second one replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
The first one says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I’m buying one."
The second one smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."
Three weeks later, the young man asks his friend, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"
The second man replies, "No, but it shouldn’t be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"
How To Install A "Home Security System" In The South
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammo.
Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked
the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't
think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all
the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside.
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from Detroit showed up.
Never having seen anyone from Detroit at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!"
"What? All of the Detroiters are gone?" asked God.
"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"
Matt. 18:4-5 "Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me."
Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work.
A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.
She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"
Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."
Two Minnesotans, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up, and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders, and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."
VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!
Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.
Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!!
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.
Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff, and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrotshooting... and now Lars, hengliding..."
Dats all. Dere ain't no more!
An 85 year old man, who's wife is terribly worried about his health, visits the Doctor for his yearly check up. The Doctor finds the man to be healthy as could be, but, at the wife's prodding, asks the old man how he feels and if he's noticed any odd changes in his body as he's aged.
The old man responds "Well Doc, there is this one thing. When I go to the bathroom at night, the light turns even though I haven't touched the switch. I can't figure it out for the life of me."
Perplexed, the Doctor asks the man's wife if she has any knowledge of an automatic light switch in her home. She responds "Damnit, he's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Still, that joke is funny as all hell.