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Link Posted: 4/10/2008 4:01:35 PM EST
Link Posted: 4/11/2008 10:59:09 AM EST
An older man approaches a younger woman inside a shopping mall.

"Excuse me," he said.

"I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Sure. Do you know where your wife might be?"

 "I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere."
Link Posted: 4/12/2008 11:38:28 AM EST
Three women:

One engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said,  "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."

The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night I we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't' say a word. We just had wild sex all night."

The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said:

"Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"
Link Posted: 4/15/2008 2:40:24 PM EST
Link Posted: 4/16/2008 7:17:34 AM EST
[Last Edit: 4/16/2008 7:20:43 AM EST by 444]
Ok, I guess I have to break out the big guns.
This is the funniest joke I have ever heard. I try to avoid telling it because I don't want it to get worn out by being passed around all over the world in e-mails. But, what the hell ?
Usually men die laughing at this joke and woman don't think it is funny at all.
If, by some chance, this has already been told, excuse me. I didn't go back through the whole thread to check. This thread has been going on for awhile.


A guy tells his wife that he is going to his best friend's batchelor party. His wife throws a fit: "you told me you were going to settle down when we got married. You said you were going to stop going to parties, you said you were going to stop drinking, I know there are going to be strippers there..............."
He says, Look, I have to go. This is my best friend. But, I won't drink. I will be good. Nothing is going to happen."
Within a half hour at the party, he is drunk out of his mind and throws up all over the front of his shirt. He says to his buddy, "I'm dead. My wife is going to see this and she is going to kill me. She knew I would do this."
His friend says, "Don't worry about it. Just tell her that I got drunk and threw up on your shirt and I stuck $20 in your shirt pocket to buy you a new shirt."
So the guy goes home and as soon as he walks in the door his wife goes crazy. "I knew I couldn't trust you. I knew you would break your promise......."
The guys says, "No, wait. I didn't get drunk and throw up. My buddy did. He gave me $20 to get a new shirt since he threw up on it."  
His wife says, "Ok, but why is there $40 here ? "
"Because he shit my pants too."
Link Posted: 4/17/2008 7:16:23 PM EST
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by children)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if
you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and
she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find
out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty- three is the best age because you know the person
FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get
to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you
listen long enough
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all
the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the
dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for  boys. Boys
need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is . . .

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks
like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
Link Posted: 4/17/2008 7:17:01 PM EST
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Henny Youngman

'I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.'
Sam Kinison

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
James Holt McGavran

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Link Posted: 4/17/2008 7:25:04 PM EST
This one has gotten me smacked around more than any other joke. Please remember ladies, you can always change gender and body parts to make it yours.

Fred meets up with an old friend and asks what's up.
Friend says he's almost done with his sex change from man to woman.
Fred says wow! Did it hurt when they cut your penis off????
Friend says no, that didn't hurt at all. What really hurt was when they cut open my head and removed half my brains!!

(you can change it to breasts to make it yours *hint hint* ow! quit hitting me already....please??)
Link Posted: 4/17/2008 10:45:50 PM EST
Great jokes, keep it going.                    
Link Posted: 4/18/2008 12:24:02 PM EST
I hope this is a true story. I got all choked up reading it.

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:
Not my story, not a joke, but kinda nice . . .


Last week I was in Atlanta , Georgia attending a conference. While I was in the airport, returning home, I heard several people behind me beginning to clap and cheer. I immediately turned around and witnessed one of the greatest acts of patriotism I have ever seen.

Moving thru the terminal was a group of soldiers in their camos. As they began heading to their gate, everyone (well almost everyone) was abruptly to their feet with their hands waving and cheering.


When I saw the soldiers, probably 30 -40 of them, being applauded and cheered for, it hit me. I'm not alone. I'm not the only red-blooded American who still loves this country and supports our troops and their families.

Of course I immediately stopped and began clapping for these young unsung heroes who are putting their lives on the line everyday for us so we can go to school, work and home without fear or reprisal.


Just when I thought I could not be more proud of my country or of our service men and women, a young girl, not more than 6 or 7 years old, ran up to one of the male soldiers. He kneeled down and said "hi. "


The little girl then asked him if he would give something to her daddy for her.


The young soldier, who didn't look any older than maybe 22 himself, said he would try and what did she want to give to her Daddy. Then suddenly the little girl grabbed the neck of this soldier, gave him the biggest hug she could muster and then kissed him on the cheek.

The mother of the little girl, who said her daughter's name was Courtney, told the young soldier that her husband was a Marine and had been in Iraq for 11 months now. As the mom was explaining how much her daughter Courtney missed her father, the young soldier began to tear up.


When this temporarily single mom was done explaining her situation, all of the soldiers huddled together for a brief second. Then one of the other servicemen pulled out a military- looking walkie-talkie. They started playing with the device and talking back and forth on it.


After about 10-15 seconds of this, the young soldier walked back over to Courtney, bent down and said this to her, "I spoke to your daddy and he told me to give this to you." He then hugged this little girl that he had just met and gave her a kiss on the cheek. He finished by saying "your daddy told me to tell you that he loves you more than anything and he is coming home very soon."

The mom at this point was crying almost uncontrollably and as the young soldier stood to his feet, he saluted Courtney and her mom. I was standing no more than 6 feet away from this entire event.


As the soldiers began to leave, heading towards their gate, people resumed their applause. As I stood there applauding and looked around, there were very few dry eyes, including my own. That young soldier in one last act of selflessness, turned around and blew a kiss to Courtney with a tear rolling down his cheek.

We need to remember everyday all of our soldiers and their families and thank God for them and their sacrifices. At the end of the day, it's good to be an American.

Link Posted: 4/24/2008 10:39:35 PM EST
Link Posted: 4/25/2008 9:52:10 AM EST
Was just reading the "stupid things you've said to your wife" thread and remembered this joke:

A woman tells her husband she wants a boob job, the husband tells her that it's too expensive and that if she wanted bigger boobs she should rub toilet paper between her breasts untill they got larger. The wife asks "will that really work?" Husband replies "it worked for your ass didn't it?"
Link Posted: 4/28/2008 4:12:45 PM EST

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.


Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:

'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.
Link Posted: 5/2/2008 7:27:02 PM EST
Link Posted: 5/5/2008 9:30:24 AM EST
Link Posted: 5/17/2008 10:41:10 PM EST
Link Posted: 5/20/2008 11:39:32 AM EST
Link Posted: 5/20/2008 10:06:21 PM EST

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:
Not my story, not a joke, but kinda nice . . .


Last week I was in Atlanta , Georgia attending a conference. While I was in the airport, returning home, I heard several people behind me beginning to clap and cheer. I immediately turned around and witnessed one of the greatest acts of patriotism I have ever seen.

Moving thru the terminal was a group of soldiers in their camos. As they began heading to their gate, everyone (well almost everyone) was abruptly to their feet with their hands waving and cheering.


When I saw the soldiers, probably 30 -40 of them, being applauded and cheered for, it hit me. I'm not alone. I'm not the only red-blooded American who still loves this country and supports our troops and their families.

Of course I immediately stopped and began clapping for these young unsung heroes who are putting their lives on the line everyday for us so we can go to school, work and home without fear or reprisal.


Just when I thought I could not be more proud of my country or of our service men and women, a young girl, not more than 6 or 7 years old, ran up to one of the male soldiers. He kneeled down and said "hi. "


The little girl then asked him if he would give something to her daddy for her.


The young soldier, who didn't look any older than maybe 22 himself, said he would try and what did she want to give to her Daddy. Then suddenly the little girl grabbed the neck of this soldier, gave him the biggest hug she could muster and then kissed him on the cheek.

The mother of the little girl, who said her daughter's name was Courtney, told the young soldier that her husband was a Marine and had been in Iraq for 11 months now. As the mom was explaining how much her daughter Courtney missed her father, the young soldier began to tear up.


When this temporarily single mom was done explaining her situation, all of the soldiers huddled together for a brief second. Then one of the other servicemen pulled out a military- looking walkie-talkie. They started playing with the device and talking back and forth on it.


After about 10-15 seconds of this, the young soldier walked back over to Courtney, bent down and said this to her, "I spoke to your daddy and he told me to give this to you." He then hugged this little girl that he had just met and gave her a kiss on the cheek. He finished by saying "your daddy told me to tell you that he loves you more than anything and he is coming home very soon."

The mom at this point was crying almost uncontrollably and as the young soldier stood to his feet, he saluted Courtney and her mom. I was standing no more than 6 feet away from this entire event.


As the soldiers began to leave, heading towards their gate, people resumed their applause. As I stood there applauding and looked around, there were very few dry eyes, including my own. That young soldier in one last act of selflessness, turned around and blew a kiss to Courtney with a tear rolling down his cheek.

We need to remember everyday all of our soldiers and their families and thank God for them and their sacrifices. At the end of the day, it's good to be an American.



Why do you want to make us get something in our eyes?  Thank you.                  
Link Posted: 5/21/2008 3:36:04 PM EST
The Blonde & The Heart Attack

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.



She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.



'What's up?' she asks.



'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!'



The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.



'You rotten b*#[email protected]' she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!
Link Posted: 5/21/2008 3:36:59 PM EST
I've often been asked, "what do you older people do now that you're retired?"

Well, I have a friend who has a chemistry background and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, bourbon, and wine into urine.

And, by golly, we're pretty damn good at it!!"


Link Posted: 5/21/2008 3:38:17 PM EST
What's the best thing about going on a date with a homeless girl?
­






You can drop her off anywhere.
Link Posted: 6/15/2008 7:00:48 PM EST
[Last Edit: 6/15/2008 7:02:40 PM EST by thebeekeeper1]
Link Posted: 6/22/2008 11:00:30 PM EST
[Last Edit: 6/22/2008 11:00:54 PM EST by thebeekeeper1]
Link Posted: 6/25/2008 2:31:29 PM EST

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:



BANNED FROM WAL-MART


After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted that her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.  Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, like most women, Mrs. Fenton loved to browse.  One day, Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart:
 
Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past 6 months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from this store.  Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 14:  Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
 
July 02:  Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to
go off at 5 minute intervals.

July 07:  Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the women's restroom.

July 19:  Walked up to an employee and told her in
an official voice,  "Code 3 in Housewares-get on it
right away."

Aug.4:  Went to the Service desk and tried to put a
bag of M & M's on layaway.

Sept.14: Moved a "CAUTION-WET FLOOR" sign to a
carpeted area.

Sept. 15:  Set up a tent in the Sports Department
and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they
would bring pillows and blankets from the Bedding Department.
 
Sept. 23:  When a clerk asked if they could help
him, he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you
people just leave me alone?"

Oct. 04:  Looked right into the security camera and
used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

Nov. 10:  While handling guns in the Hunting
Department, he asked the clerk what aisle
the anti-depressants were in.

Dec. 03:  Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the theme to "Mission Impossible."

Dec. 06:  In the Auto Department, he practiced his
"Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
 
Dec. 18:  Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through yelled "PICK ME, PICK ME!!"

Dec. 21:  When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed,
"OH, NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least, on Dec. 23:  Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
 
Regards,
Wal-Mart




Now I've gotta go clean out muh genes!!!
Link Posted: 6/27/2008 7:51:41 AM EST
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.  She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
     
He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the  'Follow me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.'
Link Posted: 6/30/2008 4:36:02 PM EST
Link Posted: 7/2/2008 10:09:20 PM EST
Link Posted: 7/3/2008 1:32:51 AM EST
at both of those.
Link Posted: 7/3/2008 10:20:48 AM EST
[Last Edit: 7/3/2008 11:22:53 AM EST by Makarov_Mami]
Link Posted: 7/3/2008 11:15:30 AM EST
The sad part is that I believe the NYT would do such a thing.
Link Posted: 7/3/2008 11:46:56 AM EST
Link Posted: 7/10/2008 12:53:05 PM EST
Link Posted: 7/10/2008 1:13:12 PM EST
[Last Edit: 7/10/2008 1:15:22 PM EST by ms_embroidery]
Consider Living Your Next Life Backwards

Try living your next life backwards!
You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.
Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.
When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.
So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.
As you get even younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.
In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap. Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.


Link Posted: 7/13/2008 3:46:30 PM EST

Originally Posted By ms_embroidery:
Consider Living Your Next Life Backwards

Try living your next life backwards!
You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.
Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.
When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.
So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.
As you get even younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.
In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap. Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.




The ONLY flaw I can find in this is us women having to give birth to senior citizens.
Link Posted: 7/20/2008 8:56:31 AM EST
last night I was looking for this: The very model of a modern major general

and I found this: The very model of a modern homosexual and laughed my ass off.  
Link Posted: 7/22/2008 7:24:16 PM EST
Link Posted: 7/23/2008 12:31:28 PM EST
Barack Obama, the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate, is for banning all guns in America.  He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, he asked the audience for total quiet.  Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said:  ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping
Link Posted: 7/23/2008 12:32:57 PM EST
A woman went to the town's new doctor for a checkup. He was gorgeous!
He said he was going to put his hand on her back and wanted her to say
"Eighty - Eight."

"Eighty-eight." she purred. Doctor said "Good, now I'm going to put my hand on your stomach, and I want you to say 'Eighty-eight.'

"Eighty-eight." "Fine", said the Doc, "now I'm going to put my hand on your chest, and I want you to say 'Eighty-eight.'

"One, two, three, four, . ."
Link Posted: 7/23/2008 12:33:45 PM EST
The Clintons and the Gores are out at dinner and having
a really great time, lots of drinks and friendly flirting. Bill
Clinton looks out over the table and says, "You know, we're
such good friends, why don't we swap for one night and make the
sex more exciting ?" They all think it's a great idea, and they
head off to their bedrooms. Suddenly Bill Clinton hears Hillary
from the next room screaming uncontrollably with pleasure. He
starts to get a little jealous, so he asks, "I wonder what
Hillary could be getting that makes her that happy ?"
Then Al Gore, lying next to him says, "I don't know, but Tipper
must be really hot tonight!"
Link Posted: 7/23/2008 12:34:21 PM EST
Sears Catalog

Two young men were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

One says to the other, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"

The second one replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"

The first one says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I’m buying one."

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."

Three weeks later, the young man asks his friend, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"

The second man replies, "No, but it shouldn’t be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

Link Posted: 7/24/2008 12:50:46 PM EST
How To Install A "Home Security System" In The South
===================================================
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammo.
Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked
the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't
think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all
the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside.

"Cooter"
Link Posted: 7/24/2008 1:59:53 PM EST
Link Posted: 7/25/2008 5:03:28 PM EST
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from Detroit showed up.

Never having seen anyone from Detroit at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.

After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.

A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!"

"What? All of the Detroiters are gone?" asked God.

"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"

Link Posted: 7/25/2008 5:04:46 PM EST
Matt. 18:4-5 "Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me."





Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.



He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.  She smiled and went about her work.



A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.



She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"



Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

Link Posted: 7/25/2008 5:09:01 PM EST
Two Minnesotans, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up, and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.

At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders, and jumps off the cliff.  Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."

VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole.  Vatch dis." Knute says.  He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT VAIT!!!  Dere's MORE, you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.

Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff, and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrotshooting... and now Lars, hengliding..."

Dats all.  Dere ain't no more!


Link Posted: 8/3/2008 10:22:19 PM EST
Link Posted: 8/4/2008 12:53:44 AM EST
[Last Edit: 8/4/2008 12:56:20 AM EST by Mxpatriot51]
An 85 year old man, who's wife is terribly worried about his health, visits the Doctor for his yearly check up. The Doctor finds the man to be healthy as could be, but, at the wife's prodding, asks the old man how he feels and if he's noticed any odd changes in his body as he's aged.

The old man responds "Well Doc, there is this one thing. When I go to the bathroom at night, the light turns even though I haven't touched the switch. I can't figure it out for the life of me."

Perplexed, the Doctor asks the man's wife if she has any knowledge of an automatic light switch in her home. She responds "Damnit, he's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Link Posted: 8/8/2008 10:13:03 PM EST
Link Posted: 8/9/2008 1:55:52 AM EST

Originally Posted By GiggleSmith:
The sad part is that I believe the NYT would do such a thing.


Sadly, this.

Still, that joke is funny as all hell.
Link Posted: 8/12/2008 3:33:27 PM EST
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