Originally Posted By crzywlf: How To Install A "Home Security System" In The South =================================================== 1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo Magazine. 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammo. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. "Cooter"

Wait!  I'm a southerner.  I should report you to, to, to...  SALDF, the Southern American Defense Fund.

...

This is old but I haven't seen it in this thread yet:

Confucius say:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like
bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in
pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give
wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
determine who is right, war determine who is
left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on
toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.  At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.  

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned..  Added to it was this message, 'Genesis 3:10.'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the verse, he broke up in gales of laughter.  Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'  Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1: On a trip to Great Britain while he was President of the United States, Bill Clinton had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. During that meeting he asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?" "That's easy," the Queen replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors." "But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" asked Bill. You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in." When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. "Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?" Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me." "Very good," said the Queen. "You may go now." Sizing up his wife's chances in her presidential bid, and thinking back on that meeting, Bill Clinton spoke to Hillary. He said to her, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was that child ?" Hillary replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer. Can I deliberate on this for awhile?" "Yes," said Bill, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer. So Hillary called a meeting of her campaign team, from top to bottom, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. She was quite upset, not knowing what she would tell her husband, the former President. As Hillary was leaving her meeting, she ran into her most formable challenger to her presidential nomination, Barack Obama. So she said, "Mr. Obama, can you answer this riddle for me? Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?" "That's seems pretty easy," said Obama, "I think the child would be me." "Oh thank you," said Hillary. "You may just have ensured my nomination for the democratic candidate for the Presidency of the United States!" So Hillary went back to Bill and said, "I think I know the answer to your riddle." "The child was Barack Obama!" "No, you dummy!" shouted Bill. "The child was Tony Blair"

Obama would need that on a teleprompter to get it right.

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1: One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.' The Marine replied, 'Sir, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here.' The old man said, 'Okay,' and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Obama'. The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here.' The man thanked him and again walked away . . The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.' The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already several times that Mr. Obama is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?' The old man answered, 'Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!' The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow Sir.'

Good one Beekeeper1, someone should tell him that too. That GDamn....O'''' COC prohibits personal attacks IIRC. I'll wait, he might become a public person Good Luck!

Let's hope that Marine's answer never changes!!!

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank c heck.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'


BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!

A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked.

"Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask
the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for
repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and
a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute
wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have
to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the
finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters,
we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we
expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or
more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled
Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Makarov_Mami (sorry, I just copied your name from the post above) walks into a bar , sits down
and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve shots."

So the bartender pours her twelve shots and she starts shooting them back
as fast as she could, one after another.

The bartender says to M.M., "Gurl, you are drinking those drinks really
fast."

M.M. says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what
I've got."

The bartender says, "What've you got?"

Makarov_Mami says, "75 cents."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Satan called a staff meeting of all his demons and trolls.
"Things have gotten much too easy around here," he complained to the assembled crowd. "It's time we toughened thing up, but we must be sneaky about it. I want there to be misery, but not just plain misery. I want the worst kind of misery. The kind of misery that offers with it a supreme false sense of hope that things may actually get better. Any suggestions?"
There was a long moment of silence until, all the way in the back of the cave, a little claw was raised above the crowd.
An ugly, gnarly little gnome stood up and said to Satan, "Your Great Vileness, why not make them play golf?"

E-mail from my stepmom. Sorry if it's been posted.


Welfare Checks


A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.


He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know,


I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'




The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is


excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who


wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.




You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he


will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will


be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her


overseas holiday trips.




This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of


your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in


her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.




A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar,


etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and


the salary is $200,000 a year.'




The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me!




The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it.'

Presidential candidate, Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he
visited one of the classes.  They were in the middle of a discussion related
to words and their meanings.  The teacher asked the presidential candidate
if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.  So Obama
asked the class for an example of a tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered, "if my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,
that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand and said, "if a school bus carrying 50
children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a
tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent.  No other children volunteered.  Obama searched the
room.  "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand.  In a quiet
voice he said, "if the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a
'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama.  "That's right.  And can you tell me why that
would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy," it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't
be a great loss... and it probably wouldn't be an accident."

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas
and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam,
"Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street
in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded,
"Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules.


The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."


"That's more like it!" the union man said.



He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room,

and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.


"I'd like her," he said.



"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.

Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner,
"but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

Good one, M_M!

<Snippy Snip>

I drove by a Bar/Casino & saw this on the sign outside:

"We have: free beer, topless Lady bartenders, & false advertising!"



The Ol' Crew Chief

The Irish Blonde                                                          
                                                                           
A beautiful blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet              
twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.                      
                                                                           
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm        
completely nude.'                                                          
                                                                           
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,    
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'                                  
                                                                           
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES YES,  
I WON, I WON!'                                                            
                                                                           
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her    
clothes and quickly departed.                                              
                                                                           
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.                              
                                                                           
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I    
don't know - I thought you were watching.'                                
                                                                           
MORAL OF THE STORY                                                        
                                                                           
Not all Irish are honest. Not all blondes are dumb. But all men are men.

Just got this in an email...Made me chuckle:

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?

height=8

Originally Posted By PlaymoreMinds: Just got this in an email...Made me chuckle: HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK 1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it 'Barack Obama'. 3. Send it to the Recycle Bin. 4. Empty the Recycle Bin. 5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?' 6. Firmly Click 'Yes.' 7. Feel better?

I like this one,  I actually just did it.. and I liked it.

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1: Let's say the passenger sitting beside you on a plane or on a train is a real ass... 1. take your laptop out of your carry-bag; 2. open it slowly and gently; 3. turn it on; 4. make sure the passenger beside you is looking at your screen - they can't help themselves; 5. open your favorite browser; 6. close your eyes and lift your head toward the ceiling; 7. take a slow deep breath and click on this link: Click this when ready.         8. look at the expression on your neighbor's face...

How do you really feel?

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there's a rip
in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 note falls out onto
the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. ' Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of your bag.

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. ' I'd better go back and
see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. ' How did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no,' says the little old lady. ' You see, my back yard is right
next to the parking lot of the football stadium.

Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes
right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a
big hedge clipper and each time someone sticks his little thingy through
the bushes, I say, ' $20 or off it comes.'

'Well that seems fair,' laughs the cop. ' Okay, good luck! '

'By the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, ' says the little old lady, ' not everybody pays'.

LMAO!!!!

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will
fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.

Calling AAA is not an option.  I will win.
______________________________________________

Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well,

I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what

I'm looking at.  If another man shows up, one of us will say

to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now

with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know

where to start.'  We will then drink a couple of beers and

break wind, as a form of holy communion.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone

to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and

moan.  You're a woman.  You never get as sick as I do, so

for you, this is no problem.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic

groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread.  I cannot be

expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.'  For all I

know, these are the same thing.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops

working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that

this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person

gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote

control in my hand while I watch TV.  If the thing has been

misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though

one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....

______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm

thinking about.  The true answer is always either sex, cars,

sex, sports or sex.  I have to make up something else when

you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or

have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she

calls, or think about her any more than I have to.  Whatever

you got her for Mother's Day is okay;  I don't need to see it.

And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the

movie.  Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't

...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will

certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to

others.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine.  I

thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,

too.  Either pair of shoes is fine.  With the belt or without it,

looks fine.  Your hair is fine.  You look fine.  Can we just go

now?
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2008, I

will share equally in the housework.  You just do the laundry,

the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,

and I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the garden

with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to

better understand men.

An American couple is standing in an airport terminal somewhere in the
States, waiting for their luggage. The wife happens to notice an oddly
dressed man also waiting. She asks her husband where he thinks the man is
from.

The husband says he doesn't know. He decides to ask the man and approaches
him.



' Where are you from? '  he asks the man.

'  Saskatoon, Saskatchewan ' he replies.

Puzzled, the husband returns to his wife.
 '  Well, where is he from?  '  asks the wife.

'  I don't know '  replies the husband. '  He doesn't speak English

>>A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when a masked
>>robber ran out of a local bank, and shot her three times in the stomach.
>>Luckily the babies were okay. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in,
>>because it was too risky to operate.
>> >
>> > She gave birth to two healthy daughters, and a very healthy son.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > All was fine for 16 years... and then one daughter walked into her >>Mom's
>>room in tears.
>> >
>> > "What's wrong?" asked the mother.
>> >
>> > "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out!" replied the >>daughter.
>> >
>> > The mother told her it was okay, and explained what happened 16 years
>>ago.
>> >
>> > About a week later, the second daughter walked into the room in >>tears...
>> >
>> > "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
>> >
>> > Again, the mother told her not to worry, and explained what happened >>16
>>years ago.
>> >
>> > About a week after this, her son walked into the room in tears.
>> >
>> > "its okay", said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a
>>tinkle and a bullet came out."
>> >
>> > "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!"

I just sprayed coffee out my nose thank you very much!  

For the holiday we have -

Things That Sound Dirty on Thanksgiving Day But Aren't

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Just lay back and take it easy ... I'll do the rest."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

One year at Thanksgiving, my Mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my Mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my Mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
 
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!


Yep.................SHE'S BLONDE!

A priest checked into a hotel and said to the receptionist, "I trust the porn channel on my TV is disabled."

She looked at him and said...



"No it's just normal sex - you sick bastard!!!"

True story, unless my wife is lying to me.