Another coupla jokes you might enjoy-- (Page 5 of 28)
 Wait! I'm a southerner. I should report you to, to, to... SALDF, the Southern American Defense Fund. |
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This is old but I haven't seen it in this thread yet: Confucius say: *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run in front of car get tired. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run behind car get exhausted. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with one chopstick go hungry. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Crowded elevator smell different to midget. |
<--- Husband
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Pastor's Business Card A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.. Added to it was this message, 'Genesis 3:10.' Reaching for his Bible to check out the verse, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.' |
*Naughty by Nature*
Here baby, let me make that hot for you. -- Persephone
"Deej is the Chuck Norris of memory." -- Bob1984
www.gotxsg.com
Here baby, let me make that hot for you. -- Persephone
"Deej is the Chuck Norris of memory." -- Bob1984
www.gotxsg.com
Obama would need that on a teleprompter to get it right. |
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up
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 Good one Beekeeper1, someone should tell him that too. That GDamn....O'''' COC prohibits personal attacks IIRC. I'll wait, he might become a public person Good Luck!
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<img src=/images/smilies/anim_bounce.gif border=0 align=middle> its me again,and I will neither confirm or deny I have anything to say.<img src=/images/smilies/anim_bounce.gif border=0 align=middle>
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A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank c heck. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.' BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!! |
*Naughty by Nature*
Here baby, let me make that hot for you. -- Persephone
"Deej is the Chuck Norris of memory." -- Bob1984
www.gotxsg.com
Here baby, let me make that hot for you. -- Persephone
"Deej is the Chuck Norris of memory." -- Bob1984
www.gotxsg.com
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A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked. "Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Makarov_Mami (sorry, I just copied your name from the post above) walks into a bar , sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve shots." So the bartender pours her twelve shots and she starts shooting them back as fast as she could, one after another. The bartender says to M.M., "Gurl, you are drinking those drinks really fast." M.M. says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got." The bartender says, "What've you got?" Makarov_Mami says, "75 cents." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Satan called a staff meeting of all his demons and trolls. "Things have gotten much too easy around here," he complained to the assembled crowd. "It's time we toughened thing up, but we must be sneaky about it. I want there to be misery, but not just plain misery. I want the worst kind of misery. The kind of misery that offers with it a supreme false sense of hope that things may actually get better. Any suggestions?" There was a long moment of silence until, all the way in the back of the cave, a little claw was raised above the crowd. An ugly, gnarly little gnome stood up and said to Satan, "Your Great Vileness, why not make them play golf?" |
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E-mail from my stepmom. Sorry if it's been posted. Welfare Checks A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.' The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.' The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me! The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it.' |
I am not a picture of absolute perfection,
But I am worth much more than just human perception.
But I am worth much more than just human perception.
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You can't be afraid of the wind. Learn to trust it.
I think the pain is preventing me from enjoying the irony.
I think the pain is preventing me from enjoying the irony.
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Presidential candidate, Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the presidential candidate if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So Obama asked the class for an example of a tragedy'. One little boy stood up and offered, "if my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy." "No," said Obama, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand and said, "if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said, "if the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?" "Well," says the boy," it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss... and it probably wouldn't be an accident." |
Well-behaved women rarely make history.
keving67: Oh my... You are actually serious aren't you? How cute.
keving67: Oh my... You are actually serious aren't you? How cute.
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A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules. The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said. "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next." |
*Naughty by Nature*
Here baby, let me make that hot for you. -- Persephone
"Deej is the Chuck Norris of memory." -- Bob1984
www.gotxsg.com
Here baby, let me make that hot for you. -- Persephone
"Deej is the Chuck Norris of memory." -- Bob1984
www.gotxsg.com
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I drove by a Bar/Casino & saw this on the sign outside: "We have: free beer, topless Lady bartenders, & false advertising!" The Ol' Crew Chief |
Aircraft Commander: "Well, Chief, is She ready to fly?"
The Ol' Crew Chief: "Well, Loo-tennet, when Ya get down to the end of the runway & pull-back on the contol column, We'll all find-out together!"
The Ol' Crew Chief: "Well, Loo-tennet, when Ya get down to the end of the runway & pull-back on the contol column, We'll all find-out together!"
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The Irish Blonde A beautiful blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.' With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES YES, I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.' MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are honest. Not all blondes are dumb. But all men are men. |
If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will?
"Daisywench-making even the weirdest threads easy to masturbate to since 2004! " - Mark75101
"Daisywench-making even the weirdest threads easy to masturbate to since 2004! " - Mark75101
Double Edged And Fragmented. Perseph hearts Sarah
Joined:
May 2005
Posts:
17698
EE: 0% (0)
MA, USA
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Just got this in an email...Made me chuckle: HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK 1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it 'Barack Obama'. 3. Send it to the Recycle Bin. 4. Empty the Recycle Bin. 5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?' 6. Firmly Click 'Yes.' 7. Feel better? |
I think Playmore is right. ~runcible
I think Playmore only wants him to take his head out of his ass so that she can stuff it right back in again. ~runcible
In the real world, you don't get a trophy at the end of the season. ~Deej86
I think Playmore only wants him to take his head out of his ass so that she can stuff it right back in again. ~runcible
In the real world, you don't get a trophy at the end of the season. ~Deej86
I like this one, I actually just did it.. and I liked it. |
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-Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ and the American G.I. ~ One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.
-One good shoot by a citizen can clear up more open cases than a week of detective work!
-One good shoot by a citizen can clear up more open cases than a week of detective work!
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| How do you really feel? |
Don't think that a goose in a sock drawer will fly on a tread mill.
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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 note falls out onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. ' Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag. 'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. ' I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!' 'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. ' How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?' 'Oh, no,' says the little old lady. ' You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, ' $20 or off it comes.' 'Well that seems fair,' laughs the cop. ' Okay, good luck! ' 'By the way, what's in the other bag?' 'Well, ' says the little old lady, ' not everybody pays'. |
Proud member "Ranstad's Militia"
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"Global warming doesn't kill polar bears. Sarah Palin does. With her bare hands."
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"Global warming doesn't kill polar bears. Sarah Palin does. With her bare hands."
Edit: This is old and tired, and has made the e-mail rounds several times, but for anyone who hasn't seen it, it's a silly and fun journey into "Flight of Fancy Land." 
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"Global warming doesn't kill polar bears. Sarah Palin does. With her bare hands."
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"Global warming doesn't kill polar bears. Sarah Palin does. With her bare hands."
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Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win. ______________________________________________ Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator..... ______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't ...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2008, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do. This has been a public service message for women to better understand men. |
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An American couple is standing in an airport terminal somewhere in the States, waiting for their luggage. The wife happens to notice an oddly dressed man also waiting. She asks her husband where he thinks the man is from. The husband says he doesn't know. He decides to ask the man and approaches him. ' Where are you from? ' he asks the man. ' Saskatoon, Saskatchewan ' he replies. Puzzled, the husband returns to his wife. ' Well, where is he from? ' asks the wife. ' I don't know ' replies the husband. ' He doesn't speak English |
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>>A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when a masked
>>robber ran out of a local bank, and shot her three times in the stomach. >>Luckily the babies were okay. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in, >>because it was too risky to operate. >> > >> > She gave birth to two healthy daughters, and a very healthy son. >> > >> > >> > >> > All was fine for 16 years... and then one daughter walked into her >>Mom's >>room in tears. >> > >> > "What's wrong?" asked the mother. >> > >> > "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out!" replied the >>daughter. >> > >> > The mother told her it was okay, and explained what happened 16 years >>ago. >> > >> > About a week later, the second daughter walked into the room in >>tears... >> > >> > "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." >> > >> > Again, the mother told her not to worry, and explained what happened >>16 >>years ago. >> > >> > About a week after this, her son walked into the room in tears. >> > >> > "its okay", said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a >>tinkle and a bullet came out." >> > >> > "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!" |
Take me as I am or go the fuck away, life is too short to waste trying to live up to others' lame expectations. ZenJen78
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again. Maya Angelou
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again. Maya Angelou
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Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!' The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that w e not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date! The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?' |
Smooth talkers win at singles bars and in politics...often with similar outcomes for the listener.
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Originally Posted By gunnut003:
Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:
Let's say the passenger sitting beside you on a plane or on a train is a real ass... 1. take your laptop out of your carry-bag; 2. open it slowly and gently; 3. turn it on; 4. make sure the passenger beside you is looking at your screen - they can't help themselves; 5. open your favorite browser; 6. close your eyes and lift your head toward the ceiling; 7. take a slow deep breath and click on this link: Click this when ready. 
8. look at the expression on your neighbor's face...  I just sprayed coffee out my nose thank you very much! 
For the holiday we have - Things That Sound Dirty on Thanksgiving Day But Aren't "Talk about a huge breast!" "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist." "It's Cool Whip time!" "Whew, that's one terrific spread!" "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat." "Are you ready for seconds yet?" "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?" "Just wait your turn, you'll get some!" "Don't play with your meat." "Just spread the legs open and stuff it in." "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?" "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!" "You still have a little bit on your chin." "Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it." "How long will it take after you stick it in?" "You'll know it's ready when it pops up." "Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!" "How many are coming?" "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!" "Just lay back and take it easy ... I'll do the rest." "How long do I beat it before it's ready?" |
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain
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One year at Thanksgiving, my Mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my Mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my Mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yep.................SHE'S BLONDE! |
Take me as I am or go the fuck away, life is too short to waste trying to live up to others' lame expectations. ZenJen78
Alice Walker:
No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.
Alice Walker:
No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.
Magically Delicious! Galadriel of the Night Crew
Joined:
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Posts:
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EE: 0% (0)
TX, USA
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A Russian & an American Hillbilly named Vern were set to
square off for the Olympic wrestling gold medal. Before the final match, Vern's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of his 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.' The Hillbilly nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, Vern and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Vern and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, or he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Hillbilly collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded. When he finally got Vern alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!' Vern answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.' The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?' 'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts. |