[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Agile Programming Memes (Page 1 of 2)
Posted: 6/6/2015 6:32:51 PM EDT
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There are tons of Star Wars Agile memes, but no Star Trek I could find.
So, I made a couple. 
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Agile is better than what we do where I work. Which try to develop web applications with no order at all. Just a giant clusterfuck. Then we end up releasing a giant trainwreck that isn't stable.. and the higher ups want more shit added to it when the basic functionality isn't even stable yet.
Or does that sound like Agile? I have no idea, just know it doesn't work worth a fuck 
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Agile is better than what we do where I work. Which try to develop web applications with no order at all. Just a giant clusterfuck. Then we end up releasing a giant trainwreck that isn't stable.. and the higher ups want more shit added to it when the basic functionality isn't even stable yet. Or does that sound like Agile? I have no idea, just know it doesn't work worth a fuck That sounds like "waterfall", managed by drunk monkeys. "Agile" is also managed by drunk monkeys, but drunk monkeys with a different set of rules. |
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We tried agile once. It took about 2 weeks before the meetings just drifted back into the status meetings of old with long winded conversations, rambling topics, etc Standups have to be short, and to the point. Somebody starts a blow hard status report, cut them off and set them straight. Some dick weed gets into the damn weeds in a planning meeting, set the fucker straight, and cut him off at the knees. |
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Life is a giant cluster fuck. Agile just gives it a name. Quoted:
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I'm learning about it. It seems to make sense, in theory. But it seems in practice its just a giant cluster fuck Life is a giant cluster fuck. Agile just gives it a name. Yeah, it's like someone decided to try and legitimize their offices clusterfuck by giving it a trendy sounding name. |
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I've been working in Agile Development for 6 years now. It has good parts and bad parts. The biggest mistake I see teams make is just going through the motion of the "process" because that is what they think they should be doing. Agile is really about doing what works for the team. As long as you stay true to the core philosophy you'll be doing agile, even if it isn't by the book. My team got rid of meetings that were not useful and replaced them with more work for sprints or better more useful meetings. If you think story pointing is a waste of time, why are you story pointing? Is there something better you could be doing or going about it a different way?
If you are just following the "process" for the sake of following it, then you are already failing and don't understand agile at all. If you aren't making suggestions to improve how the team works and it's effectiveness, you are failing and don't understand agile at all. |
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You couldn't pay me enough to go back to waterfall (well, throw me a ridiculous number and I'll think about it).
We've been Agile for about 4 years and we don't work overtime, we have fun at work and our products are higher quality and more in line with what our customers actually want. I'm a believer. |
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My engineer has us doing Scrum, some of it works, the stand up 15min meeting thing didn't last too long. What book do I need to send to management so they will give us projects worth fighting for. Gone are the salad days lol. If you're management is not on board with Agile, you already failed. |
Agile is small potatoes. DevOps is what the buzzword-compliant industry drones are using on their resumes.
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You couldn't pay me enough to go back to waterfall (well, throw me a ridiculous number and I'll think about it). We've been Agile for about 4 years and we don't work overtime, we have fun at work and our products are higher quality and more in line with what our customers actually want. I'm a believer. There is SO MUCH BULLSHIT in Agile, you can literally do NOTHING for the whole damn sprint, but put your name on all the bullshit tasks, and it looks like you worked your ass off. Not that I would actually DO THAT, or anything. 
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They keep using that word. I have NO FUCKING CLUE what it means. I just nod, and go on doing what I was doing. Which was probably reading Drudge. Quoted:
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We switched to Kanban and disturbingly, I don't think we changed anything. They keep using that word. I have NO FUCKING CLUE what it means. I just nod, and go on doing what I was doing. Which was probably reading Drudge. Yeah I read the wikipedia page on it when it was announced. All I noticed is they added a shitload of swimlanes to the board. I cloned it and deleted all the ones that were irrelevant to me and now it looks just like my old Agile board
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There is SO MUCH BULLSHIT in Agile, you can literally do NOTHING for the whole damn sprint, but put your name on all the bullshit tasks, and it looks like you worked your ass off. Not that I would actually DO THAT, or anything.
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You couldn't pay me enough to go back to waterfall (well, throw me a ridiculous number and I'll think about it). We've been Agile for about 4 years and we don't work overtime, we have fun at work and our products are higher quality and more in line with what our customers actually want. I'm a believer. There is SO MUCH BULLSHIT in Agile, you can literally do NOTHING for the whole damn sprint, but put your name on all the bullshit tasks, and it looks like you worked your ass off. Not that I would actually DO THAT, or anything.
Sounds like something you should be bringing up in the retrospective . But more importantly actually have a suggestion on what to change so that does not happen. Let me guess, you just want to bitch about it, but not be responsible to actually help in any meaningful way? I see that all the time. |
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Sounds like something you should be bringing up in the retrospective . But more importantly actually have a suggestion on what to change so that does not happen. Let me guess, you just want to bitch about it, but not be responsible to actually help in any meaningful way? I see that all the time. Quoted:
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You couldn't pay me enough to go back to waterfall (well, throw me a ridiculous number and I'll think about it). We've been Agile for about 4 years and we don't work overtime, we have fun at work and our products are higher quality and more in line with what our customers actually want. I'm a believer. There is SO MUCH BULLSHIT in Agile, you can literally do NOTHING for the whole damn sprint, but put your name on all the bullshit tasks, and it looks like you worked your ass off. Not that I would actually DO THAT, or anything.
Sounds like something you should be bringing up in the retrospective . But more importantly actually have a suggestion on what to change so that does not happen. Let me guess, you just want to bitch about it, but not be responsible to actually help in any meaningful way? I see that all the time. I figure the shit out, and do the tech designs. After 14 years there, I know how the shit works. I can cut though the business bullshit, stay out of the weeds, and lay out a plan to git `r done. When I bitch about something, it needs bitching about. 
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They keep using that word. I have NO FUCKING CLUE what it means. I just nod, and go on doing what I was doing. Which was probably reading Drudge. Quoted:
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We switched to Kanban and disturbingly, I don't think we changed anything. They keep using that word. I have NO FUCKING CLUE what it means. I just nod, and go on doing what I was doing. Which was probably reading Drudge. Kanban is just a different way of setting up your agile process. Kanban works well for teams that are service request oriented where priorities and new stories are being added within the release on a frequent basis. Scrum works really well for more product based teams that have set product road maps and do not have a lot of frequent changes within the release. |
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Agile is better than what we do where I work. Which try to develop web applications with no order at all. Just a giant clusterfuck. Then we end up releasing a giant trainwreck that isn't stable.. and the higher ups want more shit added to it when the basic functionality isn't even stable yet. Or does that sound like Agile? I have no idea, just know it doesn't work worth a fuck That sounds agile to me! 
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Kanban is just a different way of setting up your agile process. Kanban works well for teams that are service request oriented where priorities and new stories are being added within the release on a frequent basis. Scrum works really well for more product based teams that have set product road maps and do not have a lot of frequent changes within the release. Quoted:
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We switched to Kanban and disturbingly, I don't think we changed anything. They keep using that word. I have NO FUCKING CLUE what it means. I just nod, and go on doing what I was doing. Which was probably reading Drudge. Kanban is just a different way of setting up your agile process. Kanban works well for teams that are service request oriented where priorities and new stories are being added within the release on a frequent basis. Scrum works really well for more product based teams that have set product road maps and do not have a lot of frequent changes within the release. LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA! I am not listening, because it is not yet Monday. I hear enough of that shit at work as it is. 
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I figure the shit out, and do the tech designs. After 14 years there, I know how the shit works. I can cut though the business bullshit, stay out of the weeds, and lay out a plan to git `r done. When I bitch about something, it needs bitching about. Quoted:
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You couldn't pay me enough to go back to waterfall (well, throw me a ridiculous number and I'll think about it). We've been Agile for about 4 years and we don't work overtime, we have fun at work and our products are higher quality and more in line with what our customers actually want. I'm a believer. There is SO MUCH BULLSHIT in Agile, you can literally do NOTHING for the whole damn sprint, but put your name on all the bullshit tasks, and it looks like you worked your ass off. Not that I would actually DO THAT, or anything.
Sounds like something you should be bringing up in the retrospective . But more importantly actually have a suggestion on what to change so that does not happen. Let me guess, you just want to bitch about it, but not be responsible to actually help in any meaningful way? I see that all the time. I figure the shit out, and do the tech designs. After 14 years there, I know how the shit works. I can cut though the business bullshit, stay out of the weeds, and lay out a plan to git `r done. When I bitch about something, it needs bitching about. Well, there is a lot of "I" there, so I already see your problem. Replace "I" with "We" and you'll actually start working with the agile process better. It also sounds like you are unwilling to try something new and are contributing the problem. That is my limited and outside looking in opinion based on your 3 statements, so YMMV. |
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LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA! I am not listening, because it is not yet Monday. I hear enough of that shit at work as it is.
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We switched to Kanban and disturbingly, I don't think we changed anything. They keep using that word. I have NO FUCKING CLUE what it means. I just nod, and go on doing what I was doing. Which was probably reading Drudge. Kanban is just a different way of setting up your agile process. Kanban works well for teams that are service request oriented where priorities and new stories are being added within the release on a frequent basis. Scrum works really well for more product based teams that have set product road maps and do not have a lot of frequent changes within the release. LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA! I am not listening, because it is not yet Monday. I hear enough of that shit at work as it is.
And you just confirmed the post I just wrote. You have no interest in making it work, you are not a team player. /thread |
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Well, there is a lot of "I" there, so I already see your problem. Replace "I" with "We" and you'll actually start working with the agile process better. It also sounds like you are unwilling to try something new and are contributing the problem. That is my limited and outside looking in opinion based on your 3 statements, so YMMV. Quoted:
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You couldn't pay me enough to go back to waterfall (well, throw me a ridiculous number and I'll think about it). We've been Agile for about 4 years and we don't work overtime, we have fun at work and our products are higher quality and more in line with what our customers actually want. I'm a believer. There is SO MUCH BULLSHIT in Agile, you can literally do NOTHING for the whole damn sprint, but put your name on all the bullshit tasks, and it looks like you worked your ass off. Not that I would actually DO THAT, or anything.
Sounds like something you should be bringing up in the retrospective . But more importantly actually have a suggestion on what to change so that does not happen. Let me guess, you just want to bitch about it, but not be responsible to actually help in any meaningful way? I see that all the time. I figure the shit out, and do the tech designs. After 14 years there, I know how the shit works. I can cut though the business bullshit, stay out of the weeds, and lay out a plan to git `r done. When I bitch about something, it needs bitching about. Well, there is a lot of "I" there, so I already see your problem. Replace "I" with "We" and you'll actually start working with the agile process better. It also sounds like you are unwilling to try something new and are contributing the problem. That is my limited and outside looking in opinion based on your 3 statements, so YMMV. Ah yes, the Team. 
( There is no Wee in "Team". But, there is in your pants. ) |
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Kanban is just a different way of setting up your agile process. Kanban works well for teams that are service request oriented where priorities and new stories are being added within the release on a frequent basis. Scrum works really well for more product based teams that have set product road maps and do not have a lot of frequent changes within the release. Quoted:
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We switched to Kanban and disturbingly, I don't think we changed anything. They keep using that word. I have NO FUCKING CLUE what it means. I just nod, and go on doing what I was doing. Which was probably reading Drudge. Kanban is just a different way of setting up your agile process. Kanban works well for teams that are service request oriented where priorities and new stories are being added within the release on a frequent basis. Scrum works really well for more product based teams that have set product road maps and do not have a lot of frequent changes within the release. so it works well for...nobody?
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Yeah, my team is awesome and we work really well with our agile process. Each member gets 75 hours of actual work done in a 2 week sprint and the rest is for meetings. Sorry your team isn't working well, but your attitude is 100% of the problem and why things are not working. You aren't going to listen though, so I will no longer keep wasting my breathe, its all about you. |
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so it works well for...nobody?
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We switched to Kanban and disturbingly, I don't think we changed anything. They keep using that word. I have NO FUCKING CLUE what it means. I just nod, and go on doing what I was doing. Which was probably reading Drudge. Kanban is just a different way of setting up your agile process. Kanban works well for teams that are service request oriented where priorities and new stories are being added within the release on a frequent basis. Scrum works really well for more product based teams that have set product road maps and do not have a lot of frequent changes within the release. so it works well for...nobody?
My company has 5 agile teams, 3 of them are doing Scrum and it works really well. Not saying things do not change on them, but release are pretty set once they are started and its rare for things to go into the release outside of defects. My whole company is on board with the agile process, from the CEO, to sales, to product, to IT. |
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Yeah, my team is awesome and we work really well with our agile process. Each member gets 75 hours of actual work done in a 2 week and the rest is for meetings. Sorry your team isn't working well, but your attitude is 100% of the problem and why things are not working. You aren't going to listen though, so I will no longer keep wasting my breathe, its all about you. Quoted:
Yeah, my team is awesome and we work really well with our agile process. Each member gets 75 hours of actual work done in a 2 week and the rest is for meetings. Sorry your team isn't working well, but your attitude is 100% of the problem and why things are not working. You aren't going to listen though, so I will no longer keep wasting my breathe, its all about you. Actually our team is the fastest in the company, the only team that regularly completes all their stories (definition of done), and we usually wind up helping one team or another finish THEIR sprint. Though, don't let our actual throughput interfere with your Agile Dogma bullshit.
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There is SO MUCH BULLSHIT in Agile, you can literally do NOTHING for the whole damn sprint, but put your name on all the bullshit tasks, and it looks like you worked your ass off. Not that I would actually DO THAT, or anything.
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You couldn't pay me enough to go back to waterfall (well, throw me a ridiculous number and I'll think about it). We've been Agile for about 4 years and we don't work overtime, we have fun at work and our products are higher quality and more in line with what our customers actually want. I'm a believer. There is SO MUCH BULLSHIT in Agile, you can literally do NOTHING for the whole damn sprint, but put your name on all the bullshit tasks, and it looks like you worked your ass off. Not that I would actually DO THAT, or anything.
That's not Scrum or Agile. |
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That's not Scrum or Agile. Quoted:
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You couldn't pay me enough to go back to waterfall (well, throw me a ridiculous number and I'll think about it). We've been Agile for about 4 years and we don't work overtime, we have fun at work and our products are higher quality and more in line with what our customers actually want. I'm a believer. There is SO MUCH BULLSHIT in Agile, you can literally do NOTHING for the whole damn sprint, but put your name on all the bullshit tasks, and it looks like you worked your ass off. Not that I would actually DO THAT, or anything.
That's not Scrum or Agile. Scragilefall. |
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Well, there is a lot of "I" there, so I already see your problem. Replace "I" with "We" and you'll actually start working with the agile process better. It also sounds like you are unwilling to try something new and are contributing the problem. That is my limited and outside looking in opinion based on your 3 statements, so YMMV. Quoted:
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You couldn't pay me enough to go back to waterfall (well, throw me a ridiculous number and I'll think about it). We've been Agile for about 4 years and we don't work overtime, we have fun at work and our products are higher quality and more in line with what our customers actually want. I'm a believer. There is SO MUCH BULLSHIT in Agile, you can literally do NOTHING for the whole damn sprint, but put your name on all the bullshit tasks, and it looks like you worked your ass off. Not that I would actually DO THAT, or anything.
Sounds like something you should be bringing up in the retrospective . But more importantly actually have a suggestion on what to change so that does not happen. Let me guess, you just want to bitch about it, but not be responsible to actually help in any meaningful way? I see that all the time. I figure the shit out, and do the tech designs. After 14 years there, I know how the shit works. I can cut though the business bullshit, stay out of the weeds, and lay out a plan to git `r done. When I bitch about something, it needs bitching about. Well, there is a lot of "I" there, so I already see your problem. Replace "I" with "We" and you'll actually start working with the agile process better. It also sounds like you are unwilling to try something new and are contributing the problem. That is my limited and outside looking in opinion based on your 3 statements, so YMMV. 
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You couldn't pay me enough to go back to waterfall (well, throw me a ridiculous number and I'll think about it). We've been Agile for about 4 years and we don't work overtime, we have fun at work and our products are higher quality and more in line with what our customers actually want. I'm a believer. I worked at a place that used the waterfall development model. It was not fun. We had overtime every week and weekend. Projects were delivered/launched on time, within budget, they looked great and worked perfect. Then worked at a place that bowed to the Agile God. Had tons of fun and never any overtime. Shit never got off the ground, nothing was ever delivered. Projects just went on and on and on, until the company went belly up. So any time I hear someone sing the Agile fight song, I have to laugh. |
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Actually our team is the fastest in the company, the only team that regularly completes all their stories (definition of done), and we usually wind up helping one team or another finish THEIR sprint. Though, don't let our actual throughput interfere with your Agile Dogma bullshit.
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Yeah, my team is awesome and we work really well with our agile process. Each member gets 75 hours of actual work done in a 2 week and the rest is for meetings. Sorry your team isn't working well, but your attitude is 100% of the problem and why things are not working. You aren't going to listen though, so I will no longer keep wasting my breathe, its all about you. Actually our team is the fastest in the company, the only team that regularly completes all their stories (definition of done), and we usually wind up helping one team or another finish THEIR sprint. Though, don't let our actual throughput interfere with your Agile Dogma bullshit.
Sounds to me like you are purposely setting your velocity low in order to never have a chance to fail. I am a PO, I have my team's velocity tuned so well that at the end of the sprint they are wrapping up the final tasks/tests about an hour before they leave for the day and ready for the demo the next morning. There is none of this get done early and help out other teams. And letting your team fail can be good for them because they will emerge even stronger. I don't expect anyone in this thread to actually understand because your agile implementations are failing. We are not perfect by any means and have our own set of challenges but it works and when things go sideways we adjust, discuss, and work towards doing better the next time. |
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Sounds to me like you are purposely setting your velocity low in order to never have a chance to fail. I am a PO, I have my team's velocity tuned so well that at the end of the sprint they are wrapping up the final items about an hour before they leave for the day and ready for the demo the next morning. There is none of this get done early and help out other teams. And letting your team fail can be good for them because they will emerge even stronger. Quoted:
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Yeah, my team is awesome and we work really well with our agile process. Each member gets 75 hours of actual work done in a 2 week and the rest is for meetings. Sorry your team isn't working well, but your attitude is 100% of the problem and why things are not working. You aren't going to listen though, so I will no longer keep wasting my breathe, its all about you. Actually our team is the fastest in the company, the only team that regularly completes all their stories (definition of done), and we usually wind up helping one team or another finish THEIR sprint. Though, don't let our actual throughput interfere with your Agile Dogma bullshit.
Sounds to me like you are purposely setting your velocity low in order to never have a chance to fail. I am a PO, I have my team's velocity tuned so well that at the end of the sprint they are wrapping up the final items about an hour before they leave for the day and ready for the demo the next morning. There is none of this get done early and help out other teams. And letting your team fail can be good for them because they will emerge even stronger. If you don't supply donuts, BACON donuts, at each planning and backlog grooming, you are no PO. A good PO knows how to bribe. And, we never "Just Fail". If we fail, we fail to the extent the CEO has to cancel his trip to Tibet to deal with the failure. Win Big. Fail BIGGER. |
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There are tons of Star Wars Agile memes, but no Star Trek I could find. So, I made a couple. http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y249/Cpt_Kirks/startrek-stand-up1.jpg http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y249/Cpt_Kirks/TOS-sprint-retro1.jpg LMAO. good stuff! |
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Agile.
The Agile side of the house has historically (as short as that is) been crap. It was supposed to be the be-all end-all yet they're the projects that are continually getting whacked. They're so fucked up they can't get anyone to buy it. They're so unprofitable that 100+ were just laid off and it wasn't the first time this year. Our old, waterfall side of the house was just reported as the most profitable in the company. I'm happy to say that the project I lead is at the top of that. There's something to be said for tried and true. 
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