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Posted: 8/1/2005 5:14:49 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/1/2005 6:58:51 PM EDT by Sewer_Urchin]
Being an EMT, I never run out of crazy stories. Most of the time, I'm a taxi cab, but every once in a while someone tries to die. When someone decides to stop breathing or pumping blood, I keep them breathing and keep thier heart beating until we get to a hospital, at which point they can do whatever they damn well please. Our time is usually many days of routine boring shit interupted every other week or so by something crazy. But every once in a great while we get a call that is totally out of this world. This story is one of them. We were stationed shootin' the shit when we got a page, for:

Priority: 1
chief complaint: Pelvis
Address: 1234 some street Private residence.
Dest: ABC Hospital

Priority 1, we are on the way. With a C/C of pelvis, I naturally assumed that an elderly pt. fell and broke thier hip or factured their pelvis. I went over the mental checklist of what I would do. C-Spine em'. If it is a Femur fx: Sager etc. Unbeknowst to me, my entire reality about human decency and morality was about to be shattered.

We get on scene and a guy is with his boyfriend. Boyfriend is face down with his pants around his ankles grunting in pain with his teeth clenched. Upon further inspection, we see a fish tail sticking out of his ass. I'm not talking about a gold fish or a guppy mind you. Oh, no, no, no! I'm talking what looked like a 1lb. trout! A frickin' foot long trout that you might find in the seafood department of your local super store. And only about 3" of the tail were sticking out, meaning that most of the 1 pound or so was stuck up in there. By simply looking at the tail, one could easiliy tell that this wasn't any normal fish. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. My emmotions went from confusion, to shock, to sheer horror, and then to hysterical laughter. Try as I might I had to check myself several times to keep from bursting into uncontrollable laughter.

Apperently, the fish was being used as a dildo, which is fine I guess (hey, whatever floats your boat), but it was frozen. Upon thawing, the scales expanded and did not allow the fish to come back out. The b/f tried pulling it out using several different methods including lubrication and pulling but nothing worked. Never in my wildest days would I have thought of sticking a fish up anyone's ass, and I would never have thought that scales would expand to the point that they would cut or prohibit pulling it out. After some descussion with my partner, we decided that we were not going to pull it out and that we were going to take the poor idiot to the ER and let them take care of it. What do you say to a guy with a fish stuck up his ass? Partner and I have been damaged and will not ever be the same again. During our break, we went into a grocery store and walked by the fish isle. When we saw the fish, we were rolling on the floor laughing. We then came up with a few lines we should have said the the guy when we had him. Oh how I wish I would have thought up these gems while we were enroute to the ER:

"No more cucumbers huh?"
"Was the vegetable crisper out of carrots?"
"You fucking idiot! Wrap it in a condom first. "
"Chew your food before you swallow."
"Are you Luco Bratzi? Because I hear he sleeps with the fishes"

I'm never going to see fish the same way ever again. Truth truely is stranger than fiction. After seeing movies like "brining out the dead", and shows like "ER", "Third Watch", this one takes the cake. TV writters got nothing on me!. What would you have said to this guy? Although I know it would have resulted in my suspension and possible firing, I would have loved to have told the guy any of the above lines.

edited to add: It has been brought to my attention that trout don't have scales and that it probably was the fins/gills keeping the fish from coming out and not scales. I don't know much about fish or fishing, but I have caught a trout before. I still think it was a trout, but the thing holding it in there was probably something other than scales.
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:16:53 PM EDT
Holy Mackerel! Quit floundering around, and have a perch up here (point to ambulance)

Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:17:17 PM EDT
OMFG I CAN"T BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!­!!!!
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:17:23 PM EDT
To much fucking information
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:17:47 PM EDT
"the proctologist is gonna have fun with this one?"
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:19:44 PM EDT
Did he do it for the hallibut?
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:20:41 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Zaphod:
Did he do it for the hallibutt?



Better?
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:21:06 PM EDT
"Hope that's not a salmon in there..."
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:21:36 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/1/2005 5:22:56 PM EDT by Zaphod]

Originally Posted By SWO_daddy:

Originally Posted By Zaphod:
Did he do it for the hallibutt?



Better?



OH!

That's even WORSE!


Maybe you should have just asked him, "So tell me..... How does it feel to get fucked up the ass by another man who is wearing a frozen fish for a prophelactic?"

His response would most likely have become the thing of ARFCOM lore!
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:21:55 PM EDT
I guess when the guy's boyfriend asked the guy if he wanted to go fishing for some trouser trout, the guy misunderstood.
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:22:52 PM EDT

Originally Posted By deej86:
"the proctologist is gonna have fun with this one?"



I have a friend who is a proctologist......I told him about the thread about the guy dying from the horse fucking him......he wanted specifics (he is such a geek).....LMAO

I can't wait to tell him this story.
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:23:39 PM EDT
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:23:41 PM EDT
I've heard of "brown" trout but this is,... is,... is,... just WRONG.
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:23:46 PM EDT

Originally Posted By TxLawDog:
I guess when the guy's boyfriend asked the guy if he wanted to go fishing for some trouser trout, the guy misunderstood.





gives a whole new meaining to the animation
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:23:59 PM EDT
So, what kinda bait do you use to catch an assfish anyway?
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:24:05 PM EDT
Note to self: Stay away from seafood entrees at the ABC Hospital cafeteria
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:25:10 PM EDT
Use a little sensitivity, geeez!

Makes me wonder how exactly the troutski was removed.

Did they shove the fucker upstream and get him turned around for a not so subtle exit?
Did they allow a pelican to extract the fish?
Maybe a seal from Sea World.

Whatever the case may be, I bet the guy shoots his load once that fish comes out.

HS1
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:27:16 PM EDT
Heard a horrible story when I was a boy from a man from Louisiana.Said a man caught someone he did not approve of (racial epithet deleted) with his daughter.They laid in wait for him,and once they caught him,got a live eel started up his poop shoot.It started working itself the rest of the way in.Can't back up.Poor guy would run,fall down and clutch his belly and moan,get up and run again.Repeat.Rodney said "eelin'" was a pretty common practice in those days.
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:27:26 PM EDT
This also Happened not to far From my House A local DNR Agent Was Catchin indians poachin Fish on on RES land He Tryed to Stop them Well the Ended up Beating The hell out of him And Stuffing A Northern Pike Up His ass.If ya know Fish, The Dorsal Fins Are Spiked and Well THEY dont Pull Out in Reverse,Instant Surgary To remove the fish. They Got the best of him i would Say.
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:28:27 PM EDT
friends dad was a doc. used to work emergency room at local hospital on occasion. told storry (not sure if he was doc that night) about this guy comes in with a 2 or 3 d cell battery up his butt where you could not see it. so at some point they x-ray him somehow he didn't know they did and see the thing.

so they was a bit cruel and told him they could not figure out what is problem was and to please give them details so they could help him out.. like what are symptions... where exactly is pain.. what where you doing tonight etc...

i guess eventually the removed the thing... never heard that part though .. just the part where they busted his balls (i use the term lightly here) for a while..
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:29:00 PM EDT

Originally Posted By DzlBenz:
So, what kinda bait do you use to catch an assfish anyway?




ASSFISH!!!
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:29:35 PM EDT
I'd be willin to bet a nickel it was a rainbow trout. Which you know...explains it.
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:30:05 PM EDT
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:32:43 PM EDT
With my sense of humor I just would have said, "Two times in one day is weird, but when you get THREE calls for a fish in a rectum in one day, someone must be starting a cult."
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:33:05 PM EDT
Well, it's like my momma always told me, you can tune a piano, but you can't pull a thawed dead fish out of a gay man's ass.
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:36:26 PM EDT
I find it hard to believe that the scales of a trout kept it from being extracted.

The fins and spines on the other hand... ouch!
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:36:37 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Sewer_Urchin:
Being an EMT,...Most of the time, I'm a taxi cab, but every once in a while someone tries to die.



cause BTDT and its so friggin' true
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:36:52 PM EDT
tag
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:37:48 PM EDT

Originally Posted By omar:
Note to self: Stay away from seafood entrees at the ABC Hospital cafeteria



AHH it'l be fine as long as they boil the shit out of it.
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:37:57 PM EDT
A friend of mine that is a paramedic recently had to transport a guy with a pear in his ass! Before calling 911, the guy tried using a kitchen knife to cut the pear. Instead of cutting the pear, he cut up the inside of his poop chute!

Now we call my friend the Pearomedic!
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:41:27 PM EDT
I dont know that I have anything comical that I could say about this....perhaps something a bit more reproachfull, such as.........

Oh look......there goes karma doing its thing again.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with some people?
I thought after hearing about the gerbil and hamster stuff that there was no way to sink lower....but shoving a fish up your asshole, in my opinion, qualifies one for the insane asylum.

That isnt a 'sexual lifestyle' thing.....that is a 'sick fucking weirdo needs to be locked up for his own safety and the safety of others' thing
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:45:34 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/1/2005 5:47:16 PM EDT by Sewer_Urchin]

Originally Posted By FishKepr:
I find it hard to believe that the scales of a trout kept it from being extracted.

The fins and spines on the other hand... ouch!



Hell, I don't know if it was the scales or the spines/fins. (Insert heavy sarcasm) As much as I would have loved to have gotten every gory detail from the pervs (/insert heavy sarcasm) I didn't ask whether it was the fins or the scales that were causing the pain. All I know is that the b/f was screaming in pain when other b/f tried to pull it out and didn't want us yanking on it either(not that we wanted to). I just figured that it was the scales. I guess it makes more sense that it would have been the fins though huh?
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:46:48 PM EDT
Was it a puffer fish?
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:47:45 PM EDT
If you said "Sir, I need your name", and he replied "Marlin", how could anyone keep a straight face at that???
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:49:45 PM EDT

Originally Posted By wkenneth1:
I'd be willin to bet a nickel it was a rainbow trout. Which you know...explains it.



Back in the day, there was extensive reporting on ARFCOM aboot a missing Gourami........
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:50:07 PM EDT
Read "The Making of a Surgeon" sometime.

I love the story in this book about the guy who stuck a glass swizzle stick up his dick to keep it hard. Only problem was that it broke in half while inside! Ouch!
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:50:58 PM EDT
BF: "I told him we should have scaled it first , but did he lisenten? nooooooooooo"
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:51:31 PM EDT
I have to stop laughing long enough to point out that the word "prophylactic" doesn't mean what you think it means. A prophylactic is a condom. The word you were looking for is simply dildo.

Back to the thread.
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:51:32 PM EDT
WTF?
You're an ARFCOMMER dammit!, where's the pics?
j/k
That's just fuckin' WRONG.
But funny.
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:52:57 PM EDT
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:53:34 PM EDT

Originally Posted By NotMrWizard:
If you said "Sir, I need your name", and he replied "Marlin", how could anyone keep a straight face at that???



Or Gil...
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:55:18 PM EDT
Did you ask any of the important "must know" question?

"Are they biting?"

"What kind of bait did you use?"
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:57:20 PM EDT

Originally Posted By THR-Thumper:
I have to stop laughing long enough to point out that the word "prophylactic" doesn't mean what you think it means. A prophylactic is a condom. The word you were looking for is simply dildo.

Back to the thread.



You are correct, I was thinking of a different word. I fixed it.
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 5:57:56 PM EDT
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 6:00:47 PM EDT

Originally Posted By OLY-M4gery:

"What kind of bait did you use?"



Probably stinkbait.
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 6:02:23 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Zaphod:
Was it a puffer fish?



oh damn oh damn my side hurts from all this


I mean just how sick in the mind do you have to be to actually want another guy to shove a dead frozen fish, or anything up your ass....... damn just damn

Link Posted: 8/1/2005 6:02:57 PM EDT
Are dildos prohibitively expensive or what? Why would someone use a fish?
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 6:04:55 PM EDT

Originally Posted By macro:
I dont know that I have anything comical that I could say about this....perhaps something a bit more reproachfull, such as.........

Oh look......there goes karma doing its thing again.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with some people?
I thought after hearing about the gerbil and hamster stuff that there was no way to sink lower....but shoving a fish up your asshole, in my opinion, qualifies one for the insane asylum.

That isnt a 'sexual lifestyle' thing.....that is a 'sick fucking weirdo needs to be locked up for his own safety and the safety of others' thing


+1
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 6:07:05 PM EDT

Originally Posted By TexasEd:
Read "The Making of a STurgeon" sometime.

I love the story in this book about the guy who stuck a glass swizzle stick up his dick to keep it hard. Only problem was that it broke in half while inside! Ouch!




Un-fixed it for you.
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 6:08:16 PM EDT
you know i have forgotten this. trout dont have scales. i know. my dad and mom had an agreement. he loved to fish. maw would not scale fish. absolutely refused too. so dad only fished for trout. trout don't have scales...
Link Posted: 8/1/2005 6:10:25 PM EDT

Originally Posted By st0newall:
you know i have forgotten this. trout dont have scales. i know. my dad and mom had an agreement. he loved to fish. maw would not scale fish. absolutely refused too. so dad only fished for trout. trout don't have scales...



Originally Posted By FishKepr:
I find it hard to believe that the scales of a trout kept it from being extracted.

The fins and spines on the other hand... ouch!


Hell, I don't know if it was the scales or the spines/fins. (Insert heavy sarcasm) As much as I would have loved to have gotten every gory detail from the pervs (/insert heavy sarcasm) I didn't ask whether it was the fins or the scales that were causing the pain. All I know is that the b/f was screaming in pain when other b/f tried to pull it out and didn't want us yanking on it either(not that we wanted to). I just figured that it was the scales. I guess it makes more sense that it would have been the fins though huh?
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