What do you call a midget, psychic, that just escaped from a mental institution?

A small medium at large.

Random post by one of my buddies, haven't seen any of those yet.

Two doctors are bragging about their abilities to diagnose a patient's ailments on the spot. They decide to bet on diagnosing the condition of a man walking very slowly down the street.

The first doctor says, "Look at the tortured gait and posture. It's scoliosis."

The 2nd doctor says, "No, notice the slight limp. At his age, polio is a possibility. Let's ask him to see who's right".

They approach the man and tell him about their bet, and the man replies, "Looks like we were all wrong. I thought it was just gas".

Damnit I was about to post that joke.

Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

A: Beer nuts are a dollar forty-nine. Deer nuts are under a buck.

What do you call a woman with only one leg?  Ilene.

What do you call an Asian woman with one leg?  Irene.

God and Satan run into each other one day and God asks him how things are going in hell.  Satan tells him things are great, that an engineer was sent to hell and has been making all these incredible improvements, streamlining things and he loves it.  God gets furious and says all engineers are supposed to go to heaven and he insists that Satan return the man immediately.  Satan refuses and God then threatens to take him to court to sue him.  Satan bursts out laughing and tells God "like you'll ever find a lawyer in heaven!"

Just got back from pirates?

A quarter walks into a bar. The quarter asks for a beer and the bartender asks the quarter what type of beer you like? The quarter says Corona. The bartender hands over the Corona and says that will be 4.25. The quarter drinks the beer and then leave the bar because it does not have enough money to pay for the beer.

Why did the Buddhist refuse Novocaine?

Because he wanted to transcend dental medication.

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A Buddhist walks up to a street hotdog vendor and says "Make me one with everything" as he hands the vendor a $20 bill.

The vendor hands him a deluxe hotdog, and the Buddhist says "Hey!  Where's my change?"

The vendor replies "Change must come from within."

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My daughter was just diagnosed with kleptomania.  The psychiatrist said she'd have to take something for it.

my sons favorite joke when he was little,,,

What do they call batman and robin after they get run over by a steam roller?









Flatman and Ribbon

What did Spock find in the toilet ?


The Captain's Log

  TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
'A WITCH? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW. TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER.'

Then there's the Nazi walking through the woods and he runs into a BAR...


Hear about the vampire that went out on a blind date?  Now he has a new ghoul friend.


How can you tell if a vampire has a cold?  By his coffin.


How can you tell if you're on the planet Pluto?  Feel around the trees.  It's the bark, you dummy the bark...

Batman and Robin went off their diet.  Now they're Fatman and Reuben.

Q:  What's red and bad for your teeth?

A:  A brick.

And then he walks into a BAR.

What's red and smells like blue paint?

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