In another thread (Subnet's excellent ride along write up) AAR a poster asked me to detail a funny ride along I'd had. I thought I'd share the story, and open it up to other LEO's as well as folks who'd like to share their funny ride along/other cops stories.

These stories are for entertainment value only, and will try to impart the humor in an often grim and thankless job. All names have been changed to protect the idiots innocent . All individuals are presumed innocent until proven stupid guilty. This is not an official record nor does it constitute ayn agencies official policy, procedures, or training.

This is for entertainment purposes only.

I know it's GD, but let's try to keep it light hearted and humorous, without descending into the usual asshatery (Oooooh, I typed that wrong, looked at it, and decided to keep it that way).

Anyway, here's my fhumble first contribution:

As part of an LEO's duties, sometimes we give ride alongs to folks who request it, such as CJ majors, general public, family, and friends. It begins with a written request, a background check, and the ride along signing a form that details the possible dangers/events that might happen to them in the course of their ride along, from now on called RA.

Most RA's are a nice break from the solitary, sometimes monotonous, day to day (or night to night) shifts we run. Like all shared experiences, it depends on the type of person one is matched up with that can determine if a RA is a laugh filled, informative, and generally pleasant time, or akin to getting a root canal performed with a rusty drill, sans anesthetic.

This story is the latter.

I arrive at shift briefing, and my Lieutenant tells me I'd have an RA for the evening, "Ok, no big deal", I say. Lt. smirks, calls out the RA's name, and in walks a guy who had interned in our jail as part of his CJ degree. In another story I wil detail his antics in the jail. He lumbers in, already developing a high sheen of sweat on his florid countenance. RA looks at me like I am a rare and delicious delicacy, waiting to be consumed. I swear he licked his lips at me.

"Son of a bitch!", I curse, soto voce.

We go through briefing, which usually consists of a bunch of guys semi-listening to the Lt. drone on, and occassionally tell us something important. RA is on the edge of his seat, raptly drinking in every last word. To our utter amazement, RA whips out a small notepad, feverishly taking notes. We all look at the RA, Lt. stops speaking, a hush falls over the briefing room, RA looks up, looks down, and quietly closes the notepad.

We all continue to stare at him. He puts the notebook away. Lt. finishes the briefing.

RA comes outside with me, I show him my truck, gear, and weapons. He asks THE QUESTION, "So, have you shot anyone?".

I blankly look at him, reply, "Not yet", and tell him to grab whatever he needs for our shift. I'm sitting there nearly 10 minutes later, wondering where he'd gone to. I see a figure appear in the dark next to my passenger door, he gets in, and I shit you not, he's got his dark blue 5.11s BLOUSED into combat boots, a 4 "D" cell Maglite longer than my M4, and a bat belt (cop type, not Batman's) replete with OC, an ASP, glove pouch, Leatherman tool, cuff case, and key fob holder. Only thing missing was a sidearm and ammo.

"Oh, hell no!". I tell him to take that shit off and unblouse his boots, or this was going to be the shortest ride along of his career. RA looks like I just kicked his new puppy. He meekly asks, "Can I keep the flashlight?"

"Yes, that's it".

Another 10 minutes goes by, he comes back, looking like he's run a half marathon. I'm sure he's going to stroke out before the end of shift now. I go over Depidy Dawg's informal RA guidelines. I tell him his job is to OBSERVE, enjoy himself, don't fuck with the radio, and stay in the truck, unless I tell him otherwise.

He nods.

We head out, and it goes alright. As usual, it's a dead night (The RA Curse), so I decide to take him up the mountain to my favorite "Chum Hole" on the Interstate to run radar. His eyes gleam in the darkness at this news.

After a few minutes we get the first catch of the night, someone hauling ass down the pass. I light them up and we head after them. I go to grab for my radio mic, but RA grabs for it frst. I slap his hand, again, the kicked puppy look. I call out, and as we roll to stop, RA says, "Want me to back you up?".

"Stay in the truck, don't touch shit!".

I make contact, speak with the driver, and as he's handing me their license, a blinding light comes through the passenger window, startling both of us. I stand up, look across the top of the car roof. RA is there with his tree trunk of a Maglite. I point at him, grit my teeth, then angrily point at my truck. Kicked puppy look again. RA trudges back to my truck. I run driver's ID, it comes back clear, I return his stuff with a warning and he drives off.

I stand there, trying to think of a good place in the county to bury the RA's body, can't think of anything close by, so I return to my truck.

I get in, RA says, "I'm sor...", I hold up my right hand, look straight out the windshield, clear from the stop, and bury the pedal.

We get back to the office, I stop at his car, RA goes to say something, I cut him off, channeling Schwarzenneger with a, "Get out".

Puppy look again, he gets out like his ass has been velcroed to the seat, takes one more look back at me, and closes the door.

I drive off.

This JUST happened:



Call for the third time tonight at a house occupied by FSA nutjob mom and her two FSA nutjob adult-age crotchfruit. She didn't like the way I talked to her, so she called the sheriff's office to have a deputy make us leave.



Deputy showed up and cussed her out and now she's furiously searching the phone book to try to find the Sheriff's home number to complain on ALL of us.

"Oh, hell no!". I tell him to take that shit off and unblouse his boots, or this was going to be the shortest ride along of his career. RA looks like I just kicked his new puppy. He meekly asks, "Can I keep the flashlight?"

I get in, RA says, "I'm sor...", I hold up my right hand, look straight out the windshield, clear from the stop, and bury the pedal.

We get back to the office, I stop at his car, RA goes to say something, I cut him off, channeling Schwarzenneger with a, "Get out".




Can't breathe... laughing too hard

I have a "friend" who was a CJ "major", and I'm pretty sure this is about how his RA went. He was bragging about going on it 2 weeks before he did, and didn't have shit to say about it afterwards.

We had a female CJ major do a ride along. The Deputy got in a chase, over icy roads, at 95 miles per hour, with a suicidal guy with a gun, who'd assaulted his girlfriend.

CJ looks at Deputy and asks, "If they start shooting, what should I do!?"

Without taking his eyes off the road, the Deputy says, "Duck".

She didn't finish her internship with us.

That was outstanding...I'm still laughing as I type this.

ost

sweet new sig line

I am honored and humbled, no one's quoted me before!

I did a ride along in 2004 shortly before my first trip over to Iraq. It was a night shift in the middle of the week and wasn't all that exciting, really. I spent a lot of time just BS'ing with the cop and riding around a pretty sketchy sector of a small north Texas town. A ticket, a couple of warnings, backing up another officer on a stop, telling a shithead to get away from a closed down motel at 0130 and stop smoking pot in front of his 12 year old daughter, another ticket that resulted in taking a guy to jail on a warrant, etc.

Then about 0300, we rolled up at random on a car sort of halfassed diagonal parked against the curb in a residential street, with the lights on and doors open. The driver and passenger, two early 20s girls, were fist fighting in the street near the car. Cool! They were hammered drunk, one slim and fairly attractive, and one not so much. Of course the not so much one was the one in the little short skirt and midriff sleeveless shirt. The officer got them both cuffed up and in the backseat, called to get someone to deal with the car and off we drove, with the not so much one crying loudly in the backseat and wailing about where we might be going through the little holes drilled in the plexiglass divider.

Uh, you're wearing handcuffs and sitting in the back seat of a police car. Where the F do you think you're going, honey? She blew up into snot spraying anguish when we turned the corner and rode past the illuminated county jail sign. Surprise, surprise...

We got to the jail and went through the car sally port into the intake area and the two combatants were taken to the desk for the paperwork shuffle. I hung around the immediate area rather than taking a seat while this was going on and therefore managed to catch the highlight of the night.

We've all seen really small and skinny female cops, firefighters and military personnel who would never be able to dominate in a fight or carry a wounded male counterpart out of a danger area, as well as overweight ones who would never have a chance in a foot pursuit, etc. We've all seen the type. There are bright, outstanding exceptions to this type as well. I ran into one in the Marine Corps, Corporal Garcia, and I have never forgotten the great example she set for her gender. There at the jail early that morning I met another one. She was in great shape, very squared away, had a commanding presence and a projecting voice. The guy I was riding along with introduced me when she walked over, and then she addressed the hunka hunka burnin' love that this guy was doing the paper on.

She asked this still crying specimen about her habits and lifestyle and how often she did drugs or drank to excess. After a few general questions, she asked her if she was a sex worker, or some other similar term of art for "whore". The love muffin began to wail loudly and asked how the female officer could ask that, who did she think she was, where did she get off assuming she was a prostitute, and was the asking officer a prostitute, maybe?

The officer looked down at her own immaculately turned out uniform, glossy boots and belt and sparkling badge, then over at the barely cooch covering skirt, bulging belly and dirty midriff top this skank was wearing. She said that by looking at herself, in uniform, boots, belt, gun and badge, one would likely assume that she was a police officer, and by looking at skankalicious, with her skirt, too tight top, jacked up high heels and troweled on make up, one might safely assume she would provide sexual services of an unstated nature in return for currency or illicit substances.

By this time I was making odd, muffled nasal hooting noises, trying hard not to bust out laughing and nearly making it, but then the cop I was riding with started cracking up and it all pretty much broke loose. The jiggle-oh was snotting again and wailing, but her paper was done so she went off with a deputy, her snuffling cries diminishing with distance.

We get called to a report of a guy who got shmucked by a minivan on the Interstate. We get there, thinking we'd need mops and lots of paper towels to scrape up the mess. Find the guy, face up, on the rumble strips in the left lane, bleeding like a stuck pig, so bad it's filling up successive rumble strip scoop outs. Apparently he'd been putting anti-freeze into his motor home's radiator and the wind blew the empty jug across the highway, he decided to chase it, and smacko! He got bullseyed by a Dodge mini-van. That was "No Frickin' Way moment" number #1.

He's awake, alert (after a fashion) and asking over and over, "Was I standing up, or was I laying down?" His legs look like God tried to tie them into a pretzel.

As a fellow deputy and I were treating him, a lady taps me on the shoulder. I look around, and an older woman has walked across two lanes of busy Interstate and is holding out a cell phone to me, it's his wife. I give her a "WTF?" look and she says, "It's his mah mah, she wants to say a prayer to you for her son". That was NFW moment number #2.

I tell the lady, "Ma'am, have her say a prayer to you and you need to be careful and get back across the highway, it's not safe for you out here right now". She says, "Thank you", then puts the phone to her ear, loudly repeating the prayer she's hearing, and walks back across the highway to the motorhome, without looking. Cars went screeching all around her. That was number NFW moment #3.

My buddy is stabilizing guy's neck, and I am standing over him, trying to asses all of his injuries, he's still asking, "Was I standing up, or was I laying down?"

I look him in the eyes and say, "Well, first you were standing up, then you were laying down". He closes his eyes, smiles, then quietly says, "Thank you".

My buddy looks at me like I'm Moses brought water forth from the stone, and shakes his head.

Guy made a full recovery. NFW moment #4.

I have always wanted to do a ride a long but in my town that is a risky proposition. Lots of FSA hood rats around here.

That is awesome!

Those are THE BEST areas to do an RA in.

DO EET!

I'll probably laugh at that every time I see you post.

Got a call to respond to the National Forest on a report of a possible suicide. Guy had updated his Facebook page to say where he was in the NF. I have a new deputy with me, second month of FTO. We drive up to a likely spot (for some reason, folks in the next town/county over like to come to our idyllic county to off themselves), and we'd had a suicide in the rocks above the week before.

We roll up, I yell at the deputy to back up, as I see the guys truck (they'd aired a description of his vehicle too). We unass, grab our rifles, and set up on a little pine tree knoll. More deputies and some troopers arrive. My and my rookie move up, clear the truck, then I see smoke coming out of the rocks about 100 feet away. I have my rookie set up at the mouth of a little "V" in the rocks, then I go up and over towards the smoke. As I come over the top I'm looking straight down, about 10 feet, at a partially consumed human being sitting in a mobile home tire rim. His lower body has burned completely away. About 30 feet away, directly west of his head is a partially melted Glock, with the magazine plate melted out.

I yell at the deputy to not come and look, then thought, well, he needs to see it sooner or later. He comes up, and I'll give him credit, he doesn't puke. I photograph the scene, then we put him out.

We are awaiting the detective and coroner, when about 5 mintues later, with a whoosh, the guy catches fire again! The rim and his ashes were so hot, he recombusted.

I tell rookie to go put the guy out, again. He gives me the "kicked his puppy" look.

Turns out, he'd molested a young girl, and was about to be questioned and arrested by the SO in his county. So, he came up to the NF, doused himself with 5 gallons of gas, sat in the trailer tire, lit himself on fire with a BBQ lighter, then put the Glock under his chin and pulled the trigger.

Oh, and when the deputy went home that evening, his wife was making grilled pork chops.

He walked right back out the door.

We now call him Pork Chop.

I want to a do a ride along!

Should I bring my AR or my FAL?

Also, how much beer?

FAL, three words, Long Sight Lines.

Shiner Bock, mass quantities.

"His eyes gleam in the darkness"

ROFL Good story, love the descriptions.

In regards to the exceptions of the gender. I was doing a RA on St Patrick's day a few years back. Us base cops had a good relationship with Aurora PD (same as the theater shooting) So a few of us got to do the DUI patrols. On our second booking at detox, one particularly drunk FSA type decided to get rowdy. Not a smart move with thee APD officers, one of who is the female in question, two Sheriffs deputies, a State trooper and me. She was closest, and her 100lb soaking wet self, took down mister FSA with a single leg sweep. I was quite impressed.

What's the screenname of the guy in the OP?

One thing about cops... some of you guys have a DARK sense of humor. I guess it helps to deal with all of the crap you have to put up with.

My brother had one a few weeks ago where a guy got smacked by some vehicle or other while walking in the middle of the night along a lonely, rural stretch of 4 lane US highway. He flew a little bit and MIGHT have survived that incident with the proper care..had the vehicle behind the initial vehicle not been one of those car-hauling semi trucks with the trailer that is about 4-6 inches above the roadway.



They said that dude was spread out for well over a quarter mile.

I went with a friend on a ride along years back. I dressed business casual and my friend told me no weapons (beyond a pocketknife). She did, however, tell me that if she got in a fight, I had better jump in and fuck a bad guy up-after I pushed the big red button on her MDT. Totally boring except the drunk that drove into the back end of a suburban full of MCSO swat guys. He was already cuffed and pinned to the ground by a size 14 boot attached to a very, VERY unhappy deputy.

How does one go about requesting to do a RA?  I have a wonderful lady that works for me and she has two sons that are officers here. Is it feasible to request to do a ride at the officer level or does the Lt. have to grant permission?

I had a family friend, who was a cop, he had a story of a guy he pulled over who had a real doll in his passenger seat. He thought she was alive at first, then dead, then realized it was a doll. He said at first he was shocked the fat sloppy looking guy, had such a hot girl with him.

Talking with a newly hired deputy as I'm taking him to the office from a detail he was working at a race track (another deputy drove him there).  So we're chatting about where he grew up and he gives me the name of a little culd-de-sac in the county where he lived.   I said, "Yeah I know where that is, I've handled one call there before...  "  Then I'm looking at him and things are connecting in my brain.

(flashback)

I do have a ride along with me, but he really didn't have anything to do with the call.

Working on patrol, get called to a house right off of that stretch, for a suspicious car in the driveway.   Caller said it looks like the guy that used to live there is back, breaking into the house, and he has active warrants.  Dispatch confirms the warrant.    Lucky me, I'm the closest one.   We end up with three road guys and a detective that happened to be in the area all swarming in the driveway.   I'm the first out and in the car I notice a pair of breasts staring at me.   "Uh...   not a burglary here".

So the embarrassed female gets dressed, guy gets out all defeated.   Male lives just around the corner and found this driveway a good place to get his groove on.  Female is a minor, so we call her dad (a Sgt at another department) and give the young man the worst news he could possibly hear.  

"You're not being charged with anything, but her dad wants to have a chat with you when you bring her home".

He survived the night.

(end flashback)

New deputy says, "Yeah that was me".    

FWIW, he's now on my shift, and an arfcommer.

That's from my dahscam.

I really need to do this some time.



I already go to lots of crime scenes, but the good stuff is almost always over by the time I get there.

Oh lawd, think he'll see this thread?

Possible...  I'm interested to see if he'll speak up and give his perspective.

Okay, I'll play.
































 

Great stuff guys, keep 'em coming!

Oh yes, highway wrecks are the worst. I've seen.........too much.

Check with your municipal PD or SO, see what their policy is. IM and let me know where in CO you are, I might have contacts there.

Aimless

I went to an ERAD class on Buckley last year. Aurora PD are good folks.

I need to do a ride along with ya Dawg

One of the cues for DUI I used was how ugly the chick was that was with him, if he had a female with him.

 

Shit yeah. Who do you work for. I think you told me once but I cant remember.

They can do it anywhere. I had one that hit a tree, both fell asleep. The passenger's face left an impression in the windshield. You could tell it was him.

Anytime mang!

I got lots of friends with them. I live right next to the District 3 station.

Well, I wouldn't actually call it working.

 

Worst highway wreck I ever ran was a 250 running over two motorcyclists. There was a skid mark for a good 100 feet where the truck was on top.

What was worse was going to the funeral the next week. Guy was a fellow FF.