An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fugifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a beautiful 340 yard shot and just 50 yards from the pin. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fugifoo".
The Japanese clients looked confused and said "What are you talking about, that's the right hole."
A man and his wife are doing yard work. The husband says to his wife,
"Your rear end is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark. A
little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the
grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over working
in a flower bed, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as
wide as the grill!" Later that night while in bed, her husband starts
to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the
grill for one little wiener, you are mistaken."
Mark & Mary are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Mark says
to Mary (imagine a Yiddish accent), "So, Mary, I was wondering... Have you
ever cheated on me?"
Mary replies, "Oh Mark, why would you ask such a question now? You don't
want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Mary, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right, 3 times..."
"3, hmmm, well when were they?"
"Well, Mark, remember when you were 35 yrs old and you really wanted to
start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan...
Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and
signed the loan papers, no questions asked... Well..."
"Oh, Mary, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do
such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?"
"Well, Mark, remember when you had that last heart attack and you
Were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch
you...Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the
surgery himself and then you were in good shape again... Well...."
"Oh my god!! Mary, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I
couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, , you must
really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then,
when was number 3?"
"Well, Mark, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be
president of the congregation.... And you were 47 votes short...."
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had
no lessons or prior experience. Val mounts the horse unassisted
and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along
at a steady and rhythmic pace, but Val begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, Val grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to
get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck,
but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse
gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse
to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has
become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of
the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the
ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments
away from unconsciousness when........
........the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, 'I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.'
So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis.
So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.
So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: 'First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it.'
A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop.... but at the bar...you know... they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise...OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know, there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?" ... "LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A FUCKING BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER...GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
...and, they lived happily ever after.
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training, and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a pistol.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this pistol and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a pistol. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this pistol and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the pistol and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just coldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No." the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home."
Now they were down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same pistol. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this pistol and kill him."
The woman took the pistol and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the pistol start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
During the Cold War many years ago, a young man would ride his bicycle every day from Italy up to the check-point at the Yugoslav border where he would be questioned by the uniformed border-guard.
"Where are you going today, Capitalist Scumbag?" asked the guard.
"To visit my mother, Sir."
"Step inside. You will be searched" ordered the guard.
The young man was thoroughly searched and released, but the guard remained suspicious.
This routine was repeated every day for several years but the border guard, still convinced that the man was a smuggler, could find nothing.
Eventually, with the end of the Cold War, the border was opened and the young man would occasionally stop in a tavern on the Yugoslav side.
One afternoon, as he sat at the bar, the old border-guard came over and sat down beside him.
"The War is over now", said the guard "and I am retired, but I still have nightmares about you. You really were a smuggler, weren’t you."
"Yes, of course" replied the young man.
"Well, for God's sake, what were you smuggling?"
The young man swallowed a mouthful of beer and smiled.
"Bicycles" he replied.
Prison v. Work
IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON..........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
Laugh, damn it!
The tattoo one's great.
Funny as hell!!
Mark is a lucky man to have a wife like Mary.
That joke rules!