I'd like to have seen the look on their face when the call came in.

THE bomb squad raced to an A&E after a patient arrived with an artillery shell stuck up his behind.
Army explosives experts were scrambled after medics feared the anti-tank round could be about to explode.
The unnamed patient told doctors he “slipped and fell” on the 17cm by 6cm armour-piercing projectile taken from his private arsenal of military collectables.

https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/16923295/bomb-squad-hospital-bottom-shell/

.

Slipped and fell

Attached File

A high school friend of mine is an ER doctor.
He says it’s surprising how many people end up in the ER with stuff shoved up their butts.

Wow, so that whole "...if you're brave enough" is a thing.

One in a million shot doc.

It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one.

This should be in the ylyl thread.

Did six years in the ER.
It’s surprising… and a little tiresome.

A small town hospital near me had a butt board. Things removed from rectums were displayed there. Most came from the same guy and he fell on stuff often. Usually glass jars or light bulbs.

Still better than being a biden supporter.

Maybe there really are a lot of stepmoms getting stuck in the couch or under the bed?

More than likely it was a Brandon supporter.

Some time ago there was a thread on this and I was just going to mention the story of the guy that "got warm changing a light bulb" so he took off all his clothes and "slipped off the ladder" and ended up with a light bulb up his ass.    Must have been your story.

There was a terrible grays anatomy episode about this exact thing. It was laughably terrible... pretty much like all the episodes.

Blow it out your ass

They should have just pitched in and bought the guy a dildo. Would have saved them a lot of grief.

No shit?

 Nailed it.

Nope. Don’t think I’ve ever shared this story anywhere. Sick minds think alike I guess. Maybe the danger is compelling. Or the seeking help is a submission thing.

I’m grateful that playing with boobs is all the motivation I need.

A guy I know went to a party and got shit faced drunk. He woke up in his bed and didn't remember how he got home.
He got up to piss and when he opened his pants to piss he didn't have any underwear on, he always whore underwear. After taking a piss he got into the shower and his ass was hurting. After he got out of the shower he tried to get dressed and putting on his pants almost made him faint with pain.

He tried to drive to the hospital but couldn't stand the pain from setting down. He called a ambulance and they took him to the hospital. He told them he was hurting and they took x-rays.
The  Doctor came in and told him he had a Hot Wheels toy car in his rectum.  The guy almost started to fight the Doctor until he showed him the x-rays.

The Doctor had to sedate him to get the toy car out of his ass. The guy was to embarrassed to talk and left the Hospital.  About two or three days later the guy called the cops and he told them what happened when they came to his house. There was two of them and one of them busted out laughing. The guy lost his shit and went after the one that was laughing the other cop pulled him off and pushed him down on the floor.
He didn't get arrested and the cops took a report and left.  

About 3 years later he gets a letter from this girl he knew and she said she felt bad  for sticking the toy car up his ass at the party after he passed out.
She said she only did it because  he came in her mouth while she was giving him a blowjob and she told him not to.  

He tried to find the girl but never could because she didn't put a return address on the letter. He said it was a good thing he didn't because he was going to shove a Barbie doll up her ass.
The guy showed everyone the letter at least 10 times so we didn't think he put the car in his ass.

The guy has about 200 Hot Wheels cars now  because everyone would send him one for his birthday and Christmas after that.

Not much makes me laugh, but your last sentence is gold. His nickname should be wheels.

Rectum? Damn near killed em!

Screen name?

It's a shame she didn't do him a favor and shove a Rolex up his ass.

I remember that episodes. Smexy bomb guy got all the girls flustered...until he blew up.

Sounds like the guys really anal when it comes to history

Incoming!

Another classic: Concrete enema

Later changed with possession of a weapon of ass destruction.

I used to be a Paramedic. "Slip and fell" is what they all say.

Arsenal

A friend of mine's wife was a nurse. One of their patients was in the hospital for having a carrot stuck up his ass.

Apparently one of the doctors had walked up to the nurses' station and asked "So, how's Bugs Bunny doing today?"

Right now there are nurses laughing with eachother while looking at cell phone pictures of the xrays.

 I lol'ed out loud.

The most infamous one I recall was an 18 inch umbrella, unopened of course.

For the love of God, people, don't stick stuff up your ass and if you do, don't put stuff up there that doesn't have a safety flange so it can't go past a certain depth.

the hotwheels car thing was a jackass episode where one of the jackass crew shoved a car up his own ass and went to the emergency room complaining of ass pain after a night out drinking with buddies. It was a joke played on the doctor and staff. I must say the xrays they showed were painful looking.

That time you could hear it vibrating listening for bowel sounds….

They picked the most appropriate name.

From an Arsenal, or arshole

Dear Cecil:

While discussing a gay acquaintance recently, my friend Mary, a nurse, lauded him by adding, "and he's no damn gerbil stuffer, either." When I protested that she should not perpetuate cruel stereotypes of our homosexual brethren, she informed me that she personally had witnessed a fellow admitted by her hospital to remove a deceased gerbil lodged in his rectum. That gentleman is now doomed to be tied to a colostomy bag through eternity. What I'd like to know is, what are the mechanics and philosophy of gerbil stuffing? How are the gerbils inserted and retrieved? Don't they bite and scratch? Why not hamsters or snakes? Is this a common practice? My curious friends and I await your reply with bated breath.

Shannon O., Chicago


Illustration by Slug Signorino
Cecil replies:

Brace yourself, toots. What follows isn’t for the weak of stomach. For starters, an awful lot of stuff has been found where that gerbil was found. The medical journals list, among other things, the following astonishing array: A bottle of Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup, an ax handle, a nine-inch zucchini, countless dildoes and vibrators including one 14-inch model complete with two D-cell batteries, a plastic spatula, a 9-1/2-inch water bottle, a deodorant bottle, a Coke bottle, a large bottle cap, numerous other bottles, a 3-1/2-inch Japanese glass float ball, an 11-inch carrot, an antenna rod, a 150-watt light bulb, a 100-watt frosted bulb, a cucumber, a screwdriver, four rubber balls, 72-1/2 jeweler’s saws (all from one patient, but not all at the same time, although 29 were discovered on one occasion), a paperweight, an apple, an onion, a plastic toothbrush package, two bananas, a frozen pig’s tail (it got stuck when it thawed), a ten-inch length of broomstick, an 18-inch umbrella handle and central rod, a plantain encased in a condom, two Vaseline jars, a whiskey bottle with a cord attached, a teacup, an oil can, a six-by-five-inch tool box weighing 22 ounces, a six-inch stone weighing two pounds (in the latter two cases the patients died due to intestinal obstruction), a baby powder can, a test tube, a ball-point pen, a peanut butter jar, candles, baseballs, a sand-filled bicycle inner tube, sewing needles, a flashlight, a half-filled tobacco pouch, a turnip, a pair of eyeglasses, a hard-boiled egg, a carborundum grindstone (with handle), a suitcase key, a syringe, a file, tumblers and glasses, a polyethylene waste trap from the U-bend of a sink, and much, much more. In 1955 one man who was “feeling depressed” reportedly inserted a six-inch paper tube into his rectum, dropped in a lighted firecracker, and blew a hole in his anterior rectal wall. This changed his mood real quick.

“Insertion of foreign bodies into the rectum,” as it’s formally known, is by no means confined to gays. Many cases are ascribed to autoeroticism on the part of straights. Leaving aside victims of assault or accident, however, practitioners do have one thing in common: they’re incredibly stupid.

You don’t need to be an Einstein to realize that insertion of objects presents enormous health risks. The rectum can become lacerated, torn, or infected. Long-term effects can include a flaccid sphincter and fecal incontinence.

Which brings us to gerbils. While the examples above are well-documented in the medical literature, live or recently deceased fauna are something else. Rumors of gerbil (and mouse or hamster) stuffing have been circulating since about 1982. In 1984, a Denver weekly said it had a confirmed report of gerbilectomy in a local emergency room. The Manhattan publication New York Talk reported several years ago that New York doctors first caught on to stuffing when they started encountering patients with infections previously found only in rodents. But no such case has ever found its way into the formal literature of medicine.

Having investigated the matter in some depth, I’m inclined to write the whole thing off as an urban legend. Your nurse friend stoutly maintains that a patient was treated for a case of ingrown gerbil at her hospital in Chicago. But she concedes she didn’t read the patient’s chart or see any documentary evidence. A doctor and a nurse at the hospital to whom she appealed for corroboration of her story say they know nothing of any such case, although they had both heard about gerbil stuffing, the nurse from cops in the emergency room, the doctor at a medical meeting.

That’s pretty much the story all over. I’ve checked with numerous sources in both the gay and medical communities, and though everybody has heard about gerbil stuffing, every attempt to track down an actual case has come to naught.

The whole business sounds completely nuts, and implausible to boot. Whatever the case, take my advice and stick to mammals your own size.

Cecil Adams

Probably doxing myself here, but my brother is a doctor at a large Minneapolis hospital in the ER. He started off as a paramedic, graduated to nurse, and used that to pay for his doctorate.

The stories of the things he has people come into the ER shoved up their ass and unretreivable would flat out get me banned here. Items that you would say, "That's not even possible..." Worse is that a sizable majority of them are guys who are "straight." All of them tell him, "Please don't tell anyone about this."

One of the funniest was the magnets. There is some kids toy that is basically magnetized ball bearings of various sizes and some retard greased the entire lot of them up and shoved them up his ass like a handful of ben-wa balls. Well predictably they got stuck together in there, but a sizable number just wouldn't come out and there was blood. He said the guy would push and a few would pop out and then he would grab them at his asshole and pull them out, but every time he had to push harder and harder until it was impossible and he went to the ER.

Turns out that internal parts of him were between the magnets and these magnets aren't exactly run of the mill refrigerator magnets. These are the neomydium rare earth whoppers that you can make action figures and stuff out of. Like 100 pound+ pull weight magnets. Since his internals don't have nerves he couldn't feel the fact that every time he pushed, he was tearing himself.

In order to get them out they, in his words, had to basically perform an emergency C-Section.

Total number of balls retrieved from the guy's ass? 43.

And that was the third time the guy had come in with items up his ass.

I wonder if his insurance company paid for that.

Slipped and fell, sure he did.
Any KY on it?

There always is - along with questionable clothing.

A whole new term for “prison wallet”!

Definitely from the northern sections.

Fusilli Jerry.

I'm impressed.