I have a brother in law who is a meth head/felon/in and out of jail/severely mentally unstable/bipolar.  I have know my wife for 13 years and been married for 3.5.  He has always been in and out of jail and prison.  He was locked up for our wedding, our childs birth, alot of important stuff.  He was released 3/2020 and against my intuition and natural instincts, i went to dinner with the family when he was released.  I said hey lets give him a chance.  Introduced him to my 1.5 year old daughter (main thing i did not want to do)  

Well within months he had already been through 2 jobs.  Had a job as a manager for a remodeling compnay where all he did was drove around and gathered supplies.  No manual labor, no mental stress, GRAVY.  Fucked it up.  He thinks drone are following him.  People are watching him.  

He broke into my house a few years ago and stole from us.   Said he was sorry and would pay us back.

He sends us pictures of reflections of mirrors, 20-100 at a time.  He bought some kind of gadget that scans for "bugs" (listening devices) and scanned his whole house.

The main reason i am writing this is because of another thread that was a little similar to this one.  The amount of responses of "relatives kill relatives" was alarming.

He has threatened suicide but has never came close because he is a coward.  His mother and grandfather give him everything he wants.  When he was released from prison the last time he had a 2015 equinox waiting for him.  This vehicle keeps breaking down and getting impounded but the mother and gradnfather get it out of the impound for him.  He somehow has an active phone line all the time too.  

When he was released it was during the hype of covid.  His parole officer is almost never in contact.  I believe its due to covid.

He went to my house without my knowledge, caught him on the ring camera, and i immediately placed a no trespassing order on him.

on 8/2020 my wife recieved a call and i was busy prepping for our MOVE DAY!  We were moving into the house of our dreams and our forever home.  My wife broke into tears and says "MY MOM IS LOCKED IN THE HOUSE WITH (IN-LAW) AND HE HAS A GUN".  I immediately called 911 and began to head that direction.  My nephew was out there and i wasnt going to let anything happen to him.  When the police arrived at the scene, the mother came outside and immediatley was defending my IN-LAW.  saying it was a misunderstanding and that he never threatened them, MAKING ME LOOK LIKE A FOOL!  I have thought about contacting that agency and letting them hear my side of the story, but i have not.  I was told it was good i called and now there is documentation of a threat.

So, the point of my post....

WHAT DO I DO? WHAT CAN I DO? WHAT CAN I DO TO PREPARE MY FAMILY?

It is so hard because i have a tenancy to write people off VERY easily.  If i know a person is just bad news and has nothing positive to offer, i do not need that in my life. So i have done that with my IN-LAW.  I have done this years ago, my wife has just now (almost) joined me in agreeing to completely write him off.  She responds to his off the wall communications through text but she says she only wants to keep a somewhat stable communication line active so basically he doesnt want to come kill us.  

I live in a rural area with a 1200' private lane.  I do feel very safe and i have ring cameras.  My inlaws live less than 2 miles away.

He was in our public mental health ward as off last week because he tried hanging himself in the garage.  Mind you he had no stool/ladder but had a rope and was running around with it saying he was going to hang himself.  he was given the option to seek help or get out of mother in laws house.  he went to the mental ward, then into a halfway house now i have no idea where he is.  The mother inlaw will lie to us and say hes out of rehab and doing great.

Move way away?

Stay the F**K out of it.  And the hard part is going to be distancing yourself from your mother in law and convincing your wife to stay away from her mother.  Hopefully he does not have the address to your new home.  You are the brother in law, and because of the enmity inherent to that relationship, anything you do will only drive him further, and will backfire on you.  Your wife may want you to be the hero that saves her brother, but she will hopefully want to protect her kids more.

Give him a one way plane ticket to Seattle.

Wow.  You need to really wise up all around.  Good cameras, locks, documentation, stay armed, zero tolerance, etc.  and don’t do foolish things like introducing crackhead felons to your baby girl.  Damn man just say no! Quit appeasing and stay hard.  Best wishes.

Make it Portland, we have enough like him up here and he can get whatever he wants now down there.

He knows where we live.

I have been telling my wife to stop talking to her mother fir a long time. Now, repeat that and try that with your wife. We have a 2 year old and a 1 month old. Kind of hard to keep her away from them.

I tried the whole “he is not practicing social distancing or even washing his hands. He’s a junkie. And my mother-in-law is around him. So isn’t that like him being around my 1 month old and daughter and family”.

This blows. I don’t think he can move he’s on probation. But the probation officer is never around due to covid.

Bro I tried. It was against my will.  But at that time he was fresh out of prison and didn’t have the bipolar schizophrenia tendencies.
I have now made it a rule my in law does not talk about him in our house.

This makes my brother in law look like an angel :-)
His favorite thing is to borrow money from my wife and never giving it back in time or giving it back at all. This is going on since 20+ years and I stopped being upset about it.
But seriously - breaking in my house, stealing stuff I'd hit him hard - literally. I wouldn't say don't see him but neutral ground

Lol we just bought the place after a 5 year search an multiple offers on other houses, in different states.

But,I have brought this up and it really upset my wife but she is realizing where I am at on this scenario. Like I said, I tried getting my wife to stop talking to her mom, but that’s incredibly hard.

1) show him how to tie a knot

2) give him a stool or chair

First thing is to harden the house if it's not already.  Video is great, especially if the no-trespass order is in place, but the goal is to thwart his attempts to break in.  I would also consider some game cameras set to watch the lane and the gate at the end of your driveway (if you don't have a gate then get one).

Get a good safe - not an RSC but a safe - for the guns, valuable jewelry, cash, important papers, etc.  Guns should be locked up unless in use.

Your wife also needs to have it made very clear to her that her first responsibility is to keep her own children safe.  If that means limiting contact with her own mother to phone calls then so be it.  Also ask in Team for some good books to read on enabling addiction, there are members here who deal with addicts professionally.  Have your wife read the books and she should see if she can get her mother to read them.

This is excellent advice. I really feel as though the books will not help. I have seen this kid do terrible things to his mother and say terrible things to his mother. He almost hung himself with her in the house. The most recent this happened was a few days ago. He is since back at her house.  My wife is on maternity leave and my mother in law was over helping with stuff today. He called 5 times my wife said and my mother in law picks up every time. When he was in prison he called her every day maybe 2-3 times a day.

My wife and I constantly remind ourselves it is her son. Being a new father I don’t know how I would act if this was me, but I don’t think I would ever let my child be such a piece of shit. Lol.

Seriously, you have to say this stuff and then you forget to mention anything about giving him some anchor ropes?

3) give him some rope

You are cold, but honest. He has since went on another binge, his mother placed ANOTHER, no contact order on him.

Within a week or 2, he will be back at her house eating ribeyes and getting everything handed to him again.

FUCK.  I tried telling my wife that she needs to tell her mother if she gives in again she needs to cut ties with her.

All you can do is set limits, and that mostly can only apply to you and your kids. Your wife has to make her own decisions but you do have some say when it comes to your children. Make your boundaries clear and make clear what your reaction will be if those boundaries aren't respected IE: I do not want him at my home, if you (mother-in-law, or whomever) bring him here, you will no longer be welcome at my home. Stay calm and stick to your principles. Don't threaten to do anything you can't back up... it might require sitting down and considering your approach to things. Finally, don't  take ownership of other people's relationships with the BIL. You can't force your wife to cut ties but make it clear that you don't want the stress of his influence in your life or the lives of your children, thus you don't want to discuss him in your home.

Family dynamics are a bitch. It can become a real mine field when trying to keep good relationships with people who have unhealthy associations you're trying to avoid. It sounds like you are doing a decent job. Just remember that some of the people you love also love your BIL and their struggle is real. Take the softest approach possible while being firm in your convictions.

Thank you kind sir.  Since I have posted this my MIL has had my BIL living with her, kicked him put files a “no contact order” and since let him move back in. This has happened 1 or 2 times. My wife and I are in agreeable to not letting him around our kids. So now my daughters suffer because we don’t go to “Nanas” anymore.  Thankfully my 2.5 yo doesn’t ask about BIL but does get to see nana. She thankfully doesn’t ask to go over there.

I just have this terrible feeling that he’s going to snap one day. I feel It’s inevitable.

Again. Thanks for all your guys’ input

Explain to him he is a fuck up & his presence makes you uncomfortable. Tell him you dont trust or respect him as far as you can throw him. Let him know how much your family means to you & if you see him around uninvited he will be treated like anyone else that is trespassing & endangering your family. Remind him he isnt your blood relative & w/ his history no LE will ever believe him over you. Ask him nicely to please not let it come to this, but remind him you are ready & willing if he acts up. Be prepared to tell your MIL to stay in her own lane & remind her its partially her fault he is such a loser. IMO...

Since he’s surrounded by enablers and isn’t getting the proper help or is not responding to the help, make it clear to your wife and everyone around in his life that your number 1 priority is your family and if this guy shows his face around your property or in any way acts threatening you will do what’s necessary. Make it clear and unambiguous without sounding like you’re crazy. They’ll get the message and try to keep him away.

Thank you.  I think he knows I despise him. At least I hope he knows.  He knows no one respects him. But he is “mentally ill”. My complaint on that is he has holes in his brain from drugs....mentally ill due to years and years of drug abuse.  It is definitely partially her fault. My nephew, his “son” plays travel ball. Idk exactly but it’s around $750 a year. My BIL doesn’t pay a dime. Never takes him to practice. But shows up on game days wearing MLB gear dressed to the 9’s. Has no job.

My fear is with all the police reform laws and letting criminals out of prisons, I will have to live with my head on a swivel and be prepared at all times, while not seeming “CrAzY”

Thank you.  I do believe they know he isn’t to be around. It just is starting to hurt my wife because my MIL caters to her fuck up of a son while my wife are over here (not bragging) buying a new car, just bought our dream house, have a 2 year old and a 2 month old, and every time my BIL is out of money or back from his latest binge, my MIL disappears for a few days getting BIL back on his feet.

I pity him for his actual addiction,  but I believe he is still a shit stain on society and a spoiled punk.

In life, you can protect those around you from a lot but not from themselves and their bad decisions.
If you are moving do everything that you can to keep him from finding out where you now live, even if it means renting a PO box for family correspondences.

@trod7308 it's been a few months, how's it going?

@Bubbles
Rumor has it he had a job at Tyson. Had his own place.  Was clean for three months. Not real sure, we do a good job of basically acting like he doesn’t exist and his name isn’t allowed to be spoken in my house.

My wife told me tonight, her mother told her he relapsed.  

During one of my conversations with My toddler daughter, my nephew got brought up. BIL’s son. My daughter said “nephew” doesn’t have a daddy. My daughter is exceptionally smart, and I don’t want to lie to her. Not going to tell her the truth. I didn’t know what to tell her so just changed the subject. Eventually it will have to be discussed seriously. That’s my daughter, I can’t imagine what my nephew is dealing with.  Fucking sad.

Thanks for asking.