That sucks. Do you drink a lot of energy drinks or caffeine? I’ve noticed a correlation between consuming a lot of caffeine and anxiety. Not that caffeine is the root cause of the stress, but often when my stress has caused me to react, I am also caffeinated, edgy. I think the combination is a multiplier, and we have a perfect storm of fight or flight response, and I’m more easily triggered.
Just throwing it out there.
Other thing you could try is to Introduce some new/different calming stimuli into your life. The novelty will subconsciously distract you and give your body a chance to level, even for an hour. Assuming it’s not something you normally do, listen to mellow classical music in the background while you work on a jigsaw puzzle. The puzzle will demand your attention, and the music will subtly “change the setting”. Your mind will be in a different place for an hour, far away from the stress.
Give it a shot and let me know how it feels.

I don't drink a lot of caffeine at the moment.  Maybe had one cup of tea this week... unless it was last week its honestly hard to remember.  

I will try the music thing, can't really do a puzzle right now and I think I threw the one I had out.

Man guys, I've been reading this thread for years and never thought I'd be posting in it.
Wife and I have a no contact order in place now for the past 7 weeks. I did something stupid and now am paying the price for it. Looking at 2 years, down from 14, on Wednesday sentencing. Not only that but losing my gun rights. I see my kids twice a week for 2 hours at my in laws house. I've had every emotion come around these past 7 weeks. I completed 24 hours of anger management and have been going to therapy weekly now. I just want my family back. You really don't know what you have until it's gone and how lucky I really was. Everyone told me how I had a great life, house on a lake, great job, beautiful wife and kids and how I took advantage of it. Now I realize how right everyone was.
Don't think it hasn't crossed my mind to suck start the garand sitting in my basement. What a mess.

Since 2014, I've worked in a psychiatric hospital where a 100% of my patients have attempted suicide. During that time, got busted out of moderating the EE on arfcom, lost my spot on a couple of other websites where I had been moderating classifieds since 2007, completely dropped out of the online gun world, finished grad school, got divorced, one multiple court cases where I represented myself, without a lawyer, and got custody of my kids, and kept my life moving.

Now what I have. I've got my college degrees. I've got my good hand job. My son lives me 5 days a week, and my daughters with me four days a week. Their mother is supposed to pay me child support, but I declined it.

Arfcom tossed me to the curb after 7 years of hard work in the EE, But I still run Carolina shooters forum, and anybody who wants to come talk to me over there, come and see me.

Keeping your mind busy with diversions is so important. I always have a podcast or book on tape to listen to on my phone. So when I know I'm going to be busy for a few minutes on doing the mundane, like the dishes, I listen to that and it prevents my mind from wandering.

On a good day I can have a shit in little enough time I don't need my audio crutch.

I also like playing DCS, can't think about anything else when you have all that going on, great diversion.

Same with sleeping, podcast goes on for me to focus on until I drift off. Tried the waves and rainfall sound effects but my mind can screw around while listening to those, I need the spoken word.

@starjammir

Hey man.  Sounds like you made a mess.  

Seriously though, I hate to say anything resembling advice because I haven't walked in your shoes.  I will say though that time is the great healer.  Sounds like it is going to suck for awhile -- but it will get better.  We all have a purpose in life but you gotta be here to find out what it might be.

You have to start by forgiving yourself and working through whatever caused this situation to happen.  Just remember there are people who care.  Hopefully you don't mind if some of us pray for you and your families healing.  Take care of yourself in every way -- physical, emotional, and legal.  

Bob

How does one ask for help when they are to prideful to ask? Maybe I need diff help.

I have really been in the shit this week. Im kinda just done. Havent gotten outa bed much at all..  just feeling done

That sounds like textbook depression.

Asking for help isn't easy, but it's a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness. Talk to your doctor, a close and trusted friend, etc. You can't handle this on your own @USMC2001

Been thinking about too much.
Women really like to use me, feel like nothing but an object to them.
Idk it's late, probably thinking more than what's good for me.

Thats what they always do if you dont set boundaries and stand up for yourself and your principles.

NVM.  Cheers all!

Hang in there, and try to be there for the kids whenever you can.   The garand will not solve anything, think how that would affect the kids.   Prayers your way

I want to eat the gun. I refuse to do so while my folks are still living.
No one knows what happens after a person eats the gun.

No you don't.  And everyone knows what the aftermath is, especially those that loved them.  Reach out to EdSr, Goatboy, Subnet, etc.  They can help point you in the right direction more than I ever could.(I have my own issues).  @EdAvilaSr

Thank you for responding.
I just cant deal with the modern world

I'm not usually online this late.  But so it goes.  

Many years ago, when I still used Facebook I stumbled across a post by a person I knew and didn't really consider a friend.  He was struggling. All I said to him was something along the lines of a permenant solution to a temporary problem won't help anyone and will hurt many.  It was many years ago, my apologies for not being more eloquent.  

This guy's mother reached out to my mother a few months later.  She thanked my mother for what I did that night because she still had her son....

FWIS, he was an addict.  He is now clean and dedicated to helping others get clean.  I hated him in my younger years, I admire him now.

I had a woman on a dating site ask me the other day, 'if you could be anywhere, doing anything you want right now, what would it be?'

I couldn't come up with an answer.

It's been a week. I still can't answer it. Thinking about it just makes me feel...flat inside. Just...vapor lock.

I should probably get help.

If I can help, let me know.  

Although I would suggest looking for a pro, as you suggested.  I know where I'd rather be, and it isn't healthy.  But I have learned how to deal with it.

Cheers, and wishing you the best!

What if you are living the dream, yet still can’t make
much $ and can’t get beyond your own anxiety issues and self doubt ?

The only time I can manage to be  happy is when the I’m am behind the wheel.

I am where I want to be and can’t make it happen.

There are a few other factors…. But dreams coming true and I’m still the same displaced person.

My job depends on building relationships, and I have built nothing but fortified walls for last 23 years.  

I had to talk to my boss about changing positions.  

That killed me.  

I am killing me.  

I can speak to the anxiety and self-doubt.

Two mindsets help me suppress it.
1) Nobody knows shit, everybody’s just figuring it out the best they can. We could be talking about the world’s greatest brain surgeon, and he’s just some dude doing the best he can with the information he has. When you make a mistake, you own it, correct course and continue. Everybody makes mistakes, and nobody’s perfect.

2) there’s a quote, I wish I could attribute it, but it’s something along the lines of “people wouldn’t care care what other people think of them if they knew how little they did.” My takeaway from that is that people just don’t care. I could completely publicly humiliate myself, and 5 minutes later, nobody’s who saw is gonna give a shit. They’re on their way to work, they’ve got bills to pay, they’ve got kids who don’t want to do homework, they’re trying to figure out what to make for dinner. I’m just some random person to them.

I should probably give stoicism an honorable mention. I strive to accept things I can’t control, and focus my energy on the things I can.

It sounds like you don’t like your job, yet it sounds as you call it living the dream? Expand on that a little bit. Is it that your job affords you the dream? Or was the job the dream, but it’s not what you thought it would be?

If your job is making you miserable, then talking to your boss about a different position? Cool. You’re taking action. You’re trying something new. Pivot. And you know what? That might suck. But it might be good. You’ll find out. You’ll see things from a different perspective. The sun will continue to rise and set.

I figure as long as I’m in here posting, I’ll give an update.

Everything has been going pretty well. I’ve been focusing on healthy habits. I think the journaling that I talked about earlier has really helped. It gets my feelings out, helps me rationalize. And it helps me realize that the good days outnumber the bad. The bad ones might stand out, but when I see that they come in clusters of 2 or 3, and they’re broken up by weeks of me either documenting that I’ve been at peace, or being at peace with everything enough that I didn’t feel the need to document anything. it’s a good vent, but it’s also objective data. I haven’t been whipped up enough about anything to journal since 2/3. Wife’s out of town, we’ll see if I get any neurotic loneliness and need to write a few paragraphs. LOL

jos51700, don't stress so much about this. There will be periods in everyone's life they wonder if all the stuff they've done to this point was just a big mistake. There's times where we ALL feel like a boat without a rudder, and while that's certainly uncomfortable, that's really ok. I think the upside is it forces us to evaluate our path and decide if it's really where we want to go. I think it's life's way of helping us not to waste it.

If you were on a dating site, her question to you suggests to me you know EXACTLY where you want to be and what you want to do. And NO, it's not climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro, or spending gobs of cash on bling, the TV talking heads and influencers want you to do, but something more important and more meaningful, finding an authentic relationship.

The truth is most authentic women are NOT looking to be part of an adventure movie, they are looking for a stable, loving relationship with a man they can trust, love and share an adult relationship with, when things are both good or bad, but together. Knowing you each have the other's back.
Seems your instincts are leading you in the right direction and it's not Mt. Kilimanjaro.

It's difficult for me to really understand the entirety your situation. I can speak to the anxiety though.
I also in broad strokes agree with Capt_Strugglebus advice.

I went 25 years in my career in IT with progressive raises/promotions. I thought anxiety was just someone's weakness. Then one day, got laid off. I thought I'd be picked up in a month or two. Six months later, job search was feast or famine and every offer had some major flaw, and that's when I started feeling debilitating anxiety. The anxiety caused me to blow a couple job interviews, it was that bad. I was starting to spiral. After a lot of introspection, I realized I had 25 years of success and I was not changing career paths, so all my experiences were valid and I should not worry if I could do the job, I have 25 years of proof I could.
Your comment about "dreams coming true, but feeling displaced" makes me think you might want to google the term "imposter syndrome." Best wishes.

……….

Been a bit are there less dots now? I’ve contemplated posting here too.

I read this page and my heart dropped. Sorry for all you guys' suffering.

If you're at rock bottom, make a change. Any change. Tie your shoes the other way around. Go for a walk each day. Just anything. See where that goes.

A single change at rock bottom has to be an improvement, if not, you're not really at the bottom. Just a single change, then more from there.

That came to me about 20 years ago after a failed suicide attempt, so I kind of know the space.

Sorry man. Pray and be honest with the judge/jury. You might find a miracle and second chance. If not, take it day by day.

Sometimes I get depressed when my wife does or says something stupid.

I get perturbed and upset pretty often.

Especially, when she won't simply just answer a simple question.

Either, she thinks that I'm really stupid, or she has way underestimated me and she's the one who is stupid.

I guess we could both be stupid..

Honestly depends on the day.  Somewhat cathartic to post what I did, but ultimately it's about the same.

I've avoided this thread for as long as I can.

I'm truly devastated to read some of your stories. What some of you are going through I cannot even imagine. The fact that you all are still here gives me hope though.

Remember, the only way you can lose is to give up.

I'm going to say a collective prayer for all of you and offer you all my sincere hopes that each of your unique situations improve.

Well said and amen.  I try to offer a few words of encourage here and there in this thread.  I just want folks to know that in this crazy screwed up world there are people out there who care.

Well, I don't really have anywhere else to request this so here it goes.  Lost my mom three weeks ago to cancer, it was long and slow and not great.  That being said glad her pain is over finally, it is a strange but welcome relief to know she isn't suffering anymore.  We lost two dogs this week, not great timing.

We have little kids, I just ask that those of you that believe and pray, if you could throw us one we would certainly appreciate it.  All of this has been quite hard on the kids, the loss of the dogs has really been an extra bad bonus on top of something they didn't understand to begin with.

Prayers out to above op.  Just know that you have been heard and acknowledged.  I’m sorry about your mom and your two dogs.  Focus on the happiness of your kids and try to find some extra joy in life because our parents values our lives more than we do sometimes and it’s important to protect your hopefulness and happiness in their honor. Stay strong brother. My messages are always open for everyone.

Left alone.  By myself.  

Yeah.  Probably need help

I had someone ask me this yesterday and I couldn’t come up with an answer either.

I was hoping that a trip to Florida to see a launch would illustrate to me what I wanted out of life by showing me several of the things I have obsessed over for the past few years. Well, I did finally get to see the Atlantic Ocean but the launch was cancelled and now I have no idea where to go or what to do next.

Been pounding my head against this problem for the past month, I’ve reached out to friends but at this point my continued existence just feels... superfluous.

Every time things to get better everything crashes. It’s like I’m cursed. I got a job where with mandatory OT I can make around 90K, BUT I’m about to get evicted. Landlord can’t give me a few weeks to catch up. My boss even talked to him.  I’m at the crossroad of being broke and having plenty of money just no time.  To make matters worse my friend of several years that I’ve had feelings for drops a bomb on me.  She says she’s going to start dating a friend….her FEMALE friend. Wtf.   It’s just nonstop BAD. At 58 I don’t even feel like working anymore. I have no more drive or energy. I just want everything to stop. I just don’t want to be around anymore.I’ve never been happy at anytime in my life. I’m done. I want it all to go away.

I feel you. I'm 55. 2 marriages. Betrayals. Career losses. Financial loss. Drug addicted child. Its been said many times, but when we're at the bottom, the only direction to look is up. God is who has got me through...

I didn't want to make a new thread, so I figured this would be the best place to vent for a minute. I've struggled with over eating and stress eating all my life. In 2017 I decided to make a big change and lost 125 pounds. Somewhere in 2018 I broke my back and had some nerve damage.  While that was going on, I switched careers. Then COVID hit. I worked at a bar, I'd been there for almost 10 years as a bouncer/barback then moved into management. I left a stable career for the bar. Everything I had worked nearly a decade for was gone. Lost my job.

Instead of going back to my career, I decided to find another bar and give management another try. Fast forward 3 years and I hate it here. I've been applying for jobs since November. Had several interviews and still can't really find anything. I had a dream job of sorts come up and couldn't even get that job. I've also gained about 50 pounds back. I've quit taking care of myself again and constantly eat. I feel like I have no motivation again/any more.

I think what really sucks is being more than qualified for a job and being told I'm not what they're looking for, or not qualified enough. I applied for a Parts Management position and couldn't even get an interview. 8 years in parts, 5 as a mechanic and 5 as a manager and I wasn't qualified enough.

Thanks for reading this post.

@bigbryce31186  Losing 128 pounds is beyond impressive!  Don't give up now.  What do you want to do for work?  What are you qualified to do?  

Do you have junk food in the house?  If so, take it straight out to the trash, now.  Have you looked for local weight watcher type support groups?  Much easier to stay on track when you have a sponsor you can call when the urge to binge comes up.

Where are you located?  Married?  Kids?  Hobbies?  

If you want to talk on the phone just send me an IM or email.

@dbmers  If you have a job why is the landlord looking to evict?  What will it take for him/her to hold off for a month or two?

Please @ me if you respond or send me an IM or email.

@58Eldorado

I believe we meet God. I don't know what he would do or say to a Christian that commits suicide.

I thought about it and read the scriptures.  Based on that, I don't know what God would say but I personally don't want to test Him and I don't think it would be  good for some reason. Gut feeling I guess.

Don't do it bro. Just don't do it.

I appreciate the kind words. Most junk food is gone from the house. Chips are my Achilles heal. I surprisingly don't eat/like too many sweets. My biggest issue is snacking all the fried foods at work. It's hard not to when you haven't eaten for several hours. I've talked with my fiance about starting to eat healthier and working out better. We've joined the new gym in town, I've  even once so far. I feel like I'm using my back issues as an excuse. I am capable of doing most things, but not all.

Hobbies are hiking and shooting, I don't do them nearly enough and need to start doing them more as well. I see myself falling into my old patterns, hiking really got me out of those. Again, using my back as an excuse no to go out. I will say, hiking in my area of Missouri does suck. Mostly flat and or Paved.

@garbageman see above. Forgot to tag you.

Nightmares. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in three years except for about two months ago when I drank about eight G&T’s and literally passed out one Saturday night.

I usually wake up around one or two am and then toss and turn until five when I shower and get ready for work.

Started my new job Monday, still unsure if I like it. Giving it a month before making any decisions.


Most of my nightmares deal with my daughter’s suicide attempt. I’ll find her and no matter how many bandages I apply I can’t stop the bleeding. (In real life she survived).

Other times it’s me getting stabbed by the forensic patient that attacked me and unlike real life it goes on and on and on.

Tonight it was me catching my ex cheating and having a huge fight.

I gave up caffeine a couple weeks back except for a cup of coffee on Sunday mornings. No pattern to the nightmares, they just seem to occur about every night around two am. Melatonin, Benadryl etc don’t help. I fall asleep between 9pm and midnight no problem but once a dream wakes me up and can’t fall back asleep.

Tonight I woke at 1am, dreamt of a huge storm destroying my house, finally dozed off at 2:30 and woke a few minutes ago, nightmare. Picking my kids up from my ex and walked into her house to find her and her new husband in bed with some random black dude (this is the dream, not real life, although I do know she and that shithead are swingers). Our kids were there (in the dream)and she and I got into a huge fight . Woke up with my heart jackhammering. I know it’s just a dream but it still hits home and feels real in the moment before you wake up.

When I was still an RN I used to see our EAP therapist/counselor. He said I had PTSD from the suicide attempt and the attack by the patient, and perhaps from the split/divorce as well. I never fought or argued with my wife when she walked out; I just buried every emotion and fell to pieces months later and it didn’t go well.

As a mental health nurse I know you’re supposed to let go, deal with your problems. I know what I’m supposed to tell a patient experiencing these things. But when you’re experiencing them yourself, knowing ‘what you should do’ doesn’t fix things. It’s destroying me.

I was two hundred feet up on a stack yesterday, torn between the new job and half wondering if I should just take a swan dive. Unsure if I want to be doing this job for a week or a month or the rest of my life.  Just unsure about everything.

Ok, here goes. I've been depressed lately and I'm not sure why. I have a great job, amazing girlfriend, great health and am in the best shape of my life.

The other day at the gym someone said to me while I was squatting "man that looks like it's killing you!", I just laughed to myself and thought "This is the easiest part of the day".

I'm not sure why I'm so hard on myself, I can't shake the feeling that I'm letting everyone down. Especially those closest to me.

I can't let go of the fact I have convinced myself of that I don't measure up. It's eating me alive.

If any of you are the praying type I'd appreciate it. I just can't be happy with myself right now.

Prayers inbound.
There's no one to let down.
You get to be you and that's it, they're either cool with you or not your people...
Eat some peeps, it'll help.

Deleted. Just realized she's a piece of shit and not worth another thought.

Looks ain't everything.

I got dumped by my girlfriend and her reasons were everything I hate about myself. Like pinpoint what I’m scared girls would reject me for, she rejected me for. I’ve not made much of my life because I’ve let fear and anxiety rule me completely. I wasn’t motivated and ambitious enough for her and she said she couldn’t see having kids with me because of it. It was less than a month ago I told my therapist I was at the point in my life where having kids has really taken ahold . I had not had this discussion with my girlfriend so being told this by my girlfriend was all the more devastating.

I’ve been going to therapist for 6 years with little to show for improvement with anxiety. My current therapist is just a general counselor doesn’t really specialize in anxiety. I went and saw my clinician this week and asked if I could switch or add a specialist. She denied it wanting me to refocus with the one I’m with. I feel hopeless I’m nowhere close to making any progress.  Just at a low point right now.

Excellent post. Have been happily married almost 39 years, since I was 29 (after unhappy dating relationships in high school and college) In my estimation your words are pure wisdom.
Way to go!

Well, it appears you have indeed made progress, as per your first paragraph, about being at the point where having kids was taking hold.  
.
Prayers up for you.