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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:24:38 PM EDT
[#1]
You will be responsible for a 5 year old until the day you die.
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:28:12 PM EDT
[#2]
Quote HistoryQuoted: You will be responsible for a 5 year old until the day you die. Ok, that's actually very helpful to give perspective. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:30:34 PM EDT
[#3]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Ok, that's actually very helpful to give perspective. Quote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: You will be responsible for a 5 year old until the day you die. Ok, that's actually very helpful to give perspective. I re-read that and didn't mean it to sound harsh, if it came off that way. But with an IQ below 50 they will most likely need assistance with almost everything for their entire lives. They will never be able to live truly independently. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:32:00 PM EDT
[#4]
I always thought it was Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. And that there are different levels of it. But thats what i remember from 7th grade science class.
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:32:21 PM EDT
[#5]
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:33:13 PM EDT
[#6]
Quote HistoryQuoted: I re-read that and didn't mean it to sound harsh, if it came off that way. But with an IQ below 50 they will most likely need assistance with almost everything for their entire lives. They will never be able to live truly independently. Quote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: Quoted: You will be responsible for a 5 year old until the day you die. Ok, that's actually very helpful to give perspective. I re-read that and didn't mean it to sound harsh, if it came off that way. But with an IQ below 50 they will most likely need assistance with almost everything for their entire lives. They will never be able to live truly independently. No. I was serious. It gives some perspective. So we can leave her in a shitty situation or make our situation more difficult, basically forever. This is exhausting. I almost regret ever starting the process. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:35:26 PM EDT
[#7]
I’m 47, and I’m doing ok.
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:36:13 PM EDT
[#8]
Quote HistoryQuoted: I always thought it was Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. And that there are different levels of it. But thats what i remember from 7th grade science class. So did I. Now I'm told there is FASD, where FAS is one of the levels of the spectrum. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:36:52 PM EDT
[#9]
I’ve seen adopted drug/alcohol born kids completely lose it when the teenage hormones hit. Something goes haywire. Sometimes they act out in destructive ways and the state ends up taking back custody and the Adoptive parents pay the state child support.
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:37:31 PM EDT
[#10]
Quote HistoryQuoted: No. I was serious. It gives some perspective. So we can leave her in a shitty situation or make our situation more difficult, basically forever. This is exhausting. I almost regret ever starting the process. Quote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: You will be responsible for a 5 year old until the day you die. Ok, that's actually very helpful to give perspective. I re-read that and didn't mean it to sound harsh, if it came off that way. But with an IQ below 50 they will most likely need assistance with almost everything for their entire lives. They will never be able to live truly independently. No. I was serious. It gives some perspective. So we can leave her in a shitty situation or make our situation more difficult, basically forever. This is exhausting. I almost regret ever starting the process. There are group homes for when they are adults. And other supervised / assisted living setups. But get a job as a walmart greeter and live in their own apartment and be independent? Highly unlikely. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:37:53 PM EDT
[#11]
Quote HistoryQuoted: I’m 47, and I’m doing ok. Serious question: did you have a low IQ as a child? Please don't take that wrong and you don't have to answer if you don't want to. I am trying to determine if there is any hope that this kid will improve and be able to manage herself. Sub-50 IQ is pretty low. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:38:06 PM EDT
[#12]
Quote HistoryQuoted: I’m 47, and I’m doing ok. Age or IQ? |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:38:48 PM EDT
[#13]
Quote HistoryQuoted: There are group homes for when they are adults. And other supervised / assisted living setups. But get a job as a walmart greeter and live in their own apartment and be independent? Highly unlikely. Quote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: You will be responsible for a 5 year old until the day you die. Ok, that's actually very helpful to give perspective. I re-read that and didn't mean it to sound harsh, if it came off that way. But with an IQ below 50 they will most likely need assistance with almost everything for their entire lives. They will never be able to live truly independently. No. I was serious. It gives some perspective. So we can leave her in a shitty situation or make our situation more difficult, basically forever. This is exhausting. I almost regret ever starting the process. There are group homes for when they are adults. And other supervised / assisted living setups. But get a job as a walmart greeter and live in their own apartment and be independent? Highly unlikely. Yikes. Well, that largely matches what our case worker said. Almost word for word. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:40:35 PM EDT
[#14]
It's heartbreaking but I think UTex86 is right. FAS can be bad, below 50 IQ is really bad.
I feel for you OP. Wife and I tried to adopt for over 8 years. Got close a few times but never got picked. Tons of young healthy moms aborting their healthy kids left and right when we would have gladly taken one and would have paid 10s of thousands to do it. Some parents can take those kids and bless them for doing it. I respect them tremendously and they are better than I am because I just could not do it. We do know 5 couples that had pretty severely autistic kids and every single couple has broken up because of the stress and have had mostly miserable lives. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:40:50 PM EDT
[#15]
OP, decide whether you want to have some semblance of a normal family, or whether you want to do some extraordinary good in this world that few could do.
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:41:57 PM EDT
[#16]
No advice to give but God bless you op for trying
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:42:21 PM EDT
[#17]
It can be very mild to very severe.
Wife has two cousins born with mild FAS. One of them was also born to the mother addicted to meth and required infant detox. Both have had serious behavioral issues all of their life. The female is in prison last I heard. Despite being adopted early on in life by their completely wholesome grandparents, both were pathological liars and constantly in trouble. The daughter (prison one) decided to start whoring herself out as a teen and would have her younger brother stand watch while boys (and men) came in through her bedroom window. She believed everyone wanted to fuck her and accused almost everyone she knew of molesting her. When my wife and I first started dating she warned me, don't ever be in a room with her alone, she will accuse you of something. She would hit on any man with a functioning penis, even adult men. Fortunately for me by this point she had run away and disappeared, so I never met her. Both are actually very intelligent. The boy has turned out OK, is about 21 now and is doing his own thing despite his issues as a teen. He seemed to grow out of most of his issues and I think he'll be fine. His sister continued the cycle, got pregnant as a teen after running away, never returned, got busted for cooking meth, and went to prison. No idea where her child is. Raising them (especially the daughter) took years off of my wife's grandparents lives. They sold their retirement Chriss craft to pay for raising them. Wife's grandpa went back to work after retiring from the Navy as a MCPO. They should have had it easy. Those kids put them through a ton of stress and they got almost nothing out of it. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:43:23 PM EDT
[#18]
Oh boy.....
I understand your situation. As a father or two why in the FUCK would you want a third. That said... your a better person than I am. It sounds like you are prepaired the best you can to serve. If your faith can handle it go for it. I'd be noping the hell out of that conversation but once again your a better person than I am. Fuck it... go for it op just make sure to keep a running thread on that shit show. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:43:35 PM EDT
[#19]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Yikes. Well, that largely matches what our case worker said. Almost word for word. This was exactly the situation for a friend of mine who raised a profoundly retarded Downs girl. A group home, with “houseparents”, and little hope for even the most menial job. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:44:15 PM EDT
[#20]
My wife and I also had issues with her getting pregnant. We debated foster to adopt. And this may be considered horrible but it was just my honest decision. I'm not taking on an unnecessary burden. Yes I know these children need parents. But I just can't do that. Being a parent doesn't scare me. At all. Being a prisoner in my home due to always wondering what bad stuff the kid will do does scare me. No thanks.
Luckily IVF worked for us and I sit here typing this with my son in the crook of my arm slowly going to sleep. He may turn into a psycho too. But not likely and if he does, he's my blood so it's a little more forgiving for me to deal with that. I've been called all sorts of stuff for my opinion on taking in special needs kids. But it is what it is. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:44:41 PM EDT
[#21]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Age or IQ? Sorry this got me to laugh. As for the OP. Sometimes knowing they are in a bad situation and you can help but it would very much be a burden then it might be worth staying away from. It really depends on how much of your life you want to dedicated. Personally I would have a hard time taking a child like that. You really likely would be taking care of a 5 year old for life. Well. The rest of yours at least. I suggest you keep looking and find a better situation for yourself. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:44:49 PM EDT
[#22]
Quoted: TL;DR crowd might as well move on. We have been trying to adopt for several years. It has been a difficult and challenging process, to say the very least. At this point, we have almost given up. There were several kids who seemed like the ideal fit but we received a basic message each time: "You were not selected." We have a large ranch, a variety of animals, and we are financially independent enough that we could basically dedicate all of our time to a child or children. When we do get "selected", the child inevitably has what I would describe as nearly icomprehensible problems. That darling little seven year old girl? Yeah, she wrapped a lamp cord around her brother's neck and tried to kill him, then built a fire and drug the family dog into it... when she was 4. Now, on what was basically our last attempt, we were again "selected", only to learn that the child has FASD and an IQ below 50. I can't go into her foster home environment but it's fucking terrible. So now, we once again face the delimma of choosing to take on a responsibility that we aren't really equipped for, or be haunted by the knowledge that this kid exists and their situation is complete and total shit. So... just to get some idea of what we would be getting into, how bad is FASD? Our case worker is rather adamant that this is a bad idea, although she doesn't know this child personally. Does anyone have experience with it? Or info other than the wide ranging info on Google? Any insights are appreciated. Sigh. Don't do it. You'll be looking for a residential care home for the kid before it hits 18. A family member adopted a FAS with a low iq and abandonment issues. It was brutal to watch them raise her. She was a walking disaster from 4-10 and then hormones kicked in and now she beats her parents, their son, smashes everything in the house she can get her mitts on and emotionally, physically, and verbally abuses them all. She can't be left alone, ever. She tries to kill their pets. She's been tased by the police numerous times and put on suicide watch more times than I can count. And she is only 14 right now. Her parents are looking for a state facility that will take her but there is a waiting list. Eject now while you have your sanity and soul left. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:45:12 PM EDT
[#23]
Quote HistoryQuoted: OP, decide whether you want to have some semblance of a normal family, or whether you want to do some extraordinary good in this world that few could do. I want a bright kid who will play board games, help tend animals, and one day take over as much of my little business and real estate empire as they want to. But I have come to realize that we might as well be chasing unicorns. It's terribly depressing for both my wife and myself, although in all other aspects of life, we a supremely happy and successful. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:45:25 PM EDT
[#24]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Yikes. Well, that largely matches what our case worker said. Almost word for word. Quote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: You will be responsible for a 5 year old until the day you die. Ok, that's actually very helpful to give perspective. I re-read that and didn't mean it to sound harsh, if it came off that way. But with an IQ below 50 they will most likely need assistance with almost everything for their entire lives. They will never be able to live truly independently. No. I was serious. It gives some perspective. So we can leave her in a shitty situation or make our situation more difficult, basically forever. This is exhausting. I almost regret ever starting the process. There are group homes for when they are adults. And other supervised / assisted living setups. But get a job as a walmart greeter and live in their own apartment and be independent? Highly unlikely. Yikes. Well, that largely matches what our case worker said. Almost word for word. You will likely be getting a life long commitment, It is likely that you will never see her become an independent adult. I hate to say it. I think the advice you are getting is sage. My best friends sister was disabled and basically the equivalent of a 6 Y/O all her life. His mother died and his father dedicated his life to taking care of her to the point that it killed him. My buddy cannot afford the expense of taking her in, time wise and monetarily. She is now in a full time care home. It is sad. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:45:35 PM EDT
[#25]
No thanks.
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:46:35 PM EDT
[#26]
My nephew was adopted after a long wait, though no major problems. Listen to your case worker.
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:46:58 PM EDT
[#27]
Seriously, adopt a couple of dogs or cats instead.
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:48:56 PM EDT
[#28]
Sub-50 IQ is moderate mental retardation(at best). Under good circumstances, she'll require lifelong care but may actually be a pleasure to deal with. If she has behavioral issues, it'll be a disaster.
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:49:33 PM EDT
[#29]
I used to work at a residential treatment facility which received a lot of adopted FAS kids, mostly from the Russia/China region. I encourage you - Save yourself a never-ending headache & heartache, steer clear and wait it out.
If you placed a feral cat in a metal trash can, threw your choice of loud firework inside & closed the lid, the emerging creature will be what you're committing your life to handling. They can be really sweet and endearing at times, but they have loads of difficulties making it through the day & being their support network, they pull you down the rabbit hole with them. Sounds like you were hoping for different feedback, but I'd take your case worker's advice here. There are some that do okay, I noticed they tend to not come from that frequent-flier area. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:50:18 PM EDT
[#30]
IQ of 50.
You’d be a saint to take that on. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:51:02 PM EDT
[#31]
Quote HistoryQuoted: My wife and I also had issues with her getting pregnant. We debated foster to adopt. And this may be considered horrible but it was just my honest decision. I'm not taking on an unnecessary burden. Yes I know these children need parents. But I just can't do that. Being a parent doesn't scare me. At all. Being a prisoner in my home due to always wondering what bad stuff the kid will do does scare me. No thanks. Luckily IVF worked for us and I sit here typing this with my son in the crook of my arm slowly going to sleep. He may turn into a psycho too. But not likely and if he does, he's my blood so it's a little more forgiving for me to deal with that. I've been called all sorts of stuff for my opinion on taking in special needs kids. But it is what it is. I don't fault you. Its only for certain people. My wife and I went through the foster process but at the end of it all I torpedoed the whole thing. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:51:54 PM EDT
[#32]
Quote HistoryQuoted: You will be responsible for a 5 year old until the day you die. Nails it, it's the same responsibility as trisomy 13. Mental development stops, but physical doesn't. If you wouldn't adopt a Downs baby, don't adopt a FASD baby. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:53:20 PM EDT
[#33]
OP,
I worked with special needs children years ago. Anyone sub 80 IQ is a handful, and will be clingy and dependent for their whole life if they are at least good natured. IQs in the 60s aren't going to be operating independently, and 50s will simply be a child for life, intellectually speaking. If you choose to take this on, it is 100% charity on your part. There shall be no reward. No little league games, no fishing with dad, no prom, no college... and no looking out for you when you're old. I feel terrible for people that had kids with unpreventable, severe issues. It seemed the best case scenarios were when there were big brothers and sisters to help look out for them now (and after mom and dad are gone). Do NOT take in an emotionally disturbed kid. Lighting fires and killing animals or whatever is not a pattern that goes away. That's damaged goods. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:53:36 PM EDT
[#34]
Quote HistoryQuoted: I don't fault you. Its only for certain people. My wife and I went through the foster process but at the end of it all I torpedoed the whole thing. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:53:39 PM EDT
[#35]
Quote HistoryQuoted: You will be responsible for a 5 year old until the day you die. I took care of my brother who was autistic until the day he died at age 66. It can be tiresome; but it can also be rewarding. You must have the right personality and aptitude to survive. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:53:47 PM EDT
[#36]
some of in the medical field think that much of our issues in violence with the young black males can be attributed to AFS to some degree.
AFS has many faces of personality and mental issues. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:54:41 PM EDT
[#37]
Quote HistoryQuoted: No. I was serious. It gives some perspective. So we can leave her in a shitty situation or make our situation more difficult, basically forever. This is exhausting. I almost regret ever starting the process. Here's an example of how literal his post can be, particularly for the sub-50 IQ case. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:55:05 PM EDT
[#38]
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:55:36 PM EDT
[#39]
Quote HistoryQuoted: I took care of my brother who was autistic until the day he died at age 66. It can be tiresome; but it can also be rewarding. You must have the right personality and aptitude to survive. Quote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: You will be responsible for a 5 year old until the day you die. I took care of my brother who was autistic until the day he died at age 66. It can be tiresome; but it can also be rewarding. You must have the right personality and aptitude to survive. People like you are saints. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:55:40 PM EDT
[#40]
The students I've taught with it have a very, very difficult time. I've only dealt with the highest functioning kids with that label.
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:58:04 PM EDT
[#41]
You're a better man than I am OP.
You already know that you don't want to do this. The only family that would deal well with a sub 50IQ child had zero doubt going in that they could do it. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 9:58:19 PM EDT
[#42]
Quote HistoryQuoted: You will be responsible for a 5 year old until the day you die. Have you tried to adopt a sibling group? Sometimes that gets you approved. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 10:01:07 PM EDT
[#43]
IQ of 50 is mild to moderate mental retardation. Kid will never have any kind of independence.
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Posted: 9/10/2020 10:02:27 PM EDT
[#44]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Not necessarily true. There is a spectrum. Some have that unmistakable look and the matching complete lack of ability to anticipate the consequences of their actions. They might climb up onto the roof and jump off. If they don't break something, they might do it again and again until they break something. Save yourself incredible heartbreak and say no. Have you tried to adopt a sibling group? Sometimes that gets you approved. Quote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: You will be responsible for a 5 year old until the day you die. Have you tried to adopt a sibling group? Sometimes that gets you approved. Yes FAS is a spectrum but sub 50 IQ is, well, bad. And we don't know how far below 50 we're talking either. My (perfectly healthy) 6 year old can read and write, knows basic math, knows what all the controls on my tractor do, can tell time, understands money, can follow a list of instructions (take out the trash, then clean your room, then brush your hair), knows to brush her teeth at night without being reminded, etc. Someone with sub 50 IQ is not going to get there. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 10:03:10 PM EDT
[#45]
Wow, who is trying to talk you into adopting a 50iq fetal alcohol syndrome baby?
Sounds like some agency is starting at the bottom of their list to try to give you one of their toughest adoptions. I have seen where more normal children are funneled to people with connections to the agency or political connections. (I heart NY) Often when basically health newborns come into the system they are placed in foster homes with the intent of having an adoption even though they're supposed to be working to have the child returned home. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 10:03:11 PM EDT
[#46]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Age or IQ? Quote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: I’m 47, and I’m doing ok. Age or IQ? Damn, this place 
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Posted: 9/10/2020 10:06:50 PM EDT
[#47]
Expect to structure your entire life to take care of the kid, to the point of planning your retirement and inheritance around that kid.
If you adopt the MR kid with FAS, you will end up dumping all of your resources into the kid. To the point that if even a healthy kid came along you couldn't help it, you would just suck the healthy kid into the support system for the MR kid. It sucks, I'm so sorry. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 10:07:05 PM EDT
[#48]
I appreciate all the responses. It's a lot of helpful info. I don't think this is for us.
I know two families that were able to adopt and it was a fantastic success. I must be missing something but I honestly don't know what. They all agree, as do the case workers, that things have changed. I was surprised to learn how many kids just "disappear" from the foster/adoption system, and I can't help but wonder about that. The whole thing, even taken purely at face value, is a stomach churning experience. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 10:07:31 PM EDT
[#49]
My wife is a teacher's aide for a multiple disability classroom. She doesn't really need to work, and she doesn't get paid much either, but she says she loves what she does and she means it. She brings home horror stories, but also really touching ones. That said, I could not do what she does on a daily basis for any amount of money.
Some people are cut out for it. Some are not. You would be taking on a full time, exhausting job, but possibly a rewarding one. Are you and your wife cut out for it and willing to sacrifice a good deal for this kid? There isn't a wrong answer, only a wrong decision. Base it on that answer, not on guilt. |
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Posted: 9/10/2020 10:08:25 PM EDT
[#50]
Kids don't disappear from the system
 You're looking for kids freed for adoption Those kids have issues and also many end up with relatives and family friends, but they're really Giving you some of the worst examples |
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