Comedic/snappy/sarcastic one liners and comebacks...

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Posted: 6/23/2023 4:45:24 PM EDT

I have been using a variety of sarcastic and funny one liners and come backs for years.
Thought I would share. Feel free to use them if you have never heard them before, and please send me some of your personal faves as I could always use new material.
Here are some of them. Some of them are old, but always bring a smile to guys faces.

"Busy as a cat tryin' ta' bury sh*t on a marble floor".
"I'm leavin' early today. Gonna be off like a prom dress".
"Guy calls himself a mechanic? He couldn't fix you a bowl of oatmeal".
"Watchin' him with tools in his hands is like watchin' a whore tryin' ta' nurse a baby".
"Guy must have a split personality, 'cause one person couldn't possibly be that stupid".
My partner: "Effin' guy is a effin' moron". ME: "Just remember...Inside of every idiot there is a savant tryin' ta' get out".
and I just heard this one for the first time last week:
"Guy is a loser...like Helen Keller playin' musical chairs type loser".

Rip me up if you'd like, but I love a good laugh...
Please share some of your best.

Posted: 6/23/2023 4:51:14 PM EDT

[#1]

Posted: 6/23/2023 4:52:43 PM EDT

[#2]

"You couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel."

"If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose."

Posted: 6/23/2023 4:53:08 PM EDT

[#3]

I called the jerk store and they were out of you!

Posted: 6/23/2023 4:59:20 PM EDT

[#4]

Greener than the pee stains in an Irishman's underwear.

Hotter than a half fucked fox in a forest fire.

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:05:06 PM EDT

[#5]

My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:08:10 PM EDT

[#6]

My concern can be measured in micro-give-a-shits.

I don't mean "fuck you." I mean "fuck YOU."

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:09:39 PM EDT

[#7]

Your mama wears combat boots!

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:09:55 PM EDT

[#8]

When someone expresses disbelief at something you said:

"Would I make it up? Why, what's the point? Am I working on commission here?"

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:10:53 PM EDT

[#9]

He suffers from delusions of adequacy

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:13:23 PM EDT

[#10]

I don't know if it still counts if it's a true story, and I'm not sure it's even a joke, but we had a chameleon that died from a reptile dysfunction.

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:14:29 PM EDT

[#11]

He couldn’t find his ass if his hands were in his back pockets.

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:14:59 PM EDT

[#12]

Couldn't hit water if I fell out of a boat. - (me at the sporting clays range sometimes)

Ray Charles could see that's a bad idea.

If I wanted to hear from am asshole, I'd fart.

Crap in one hand, wish in the other. See which one fills up first.

IF?! If my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle.

You can polish a turd all you want, you'll still just end up with a shiny piece of crap.

There's no such thing as stupid questions. Just stupid people.

Tighter than two fat girls in a fiat.

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:16:30 PM EDT

[#13]

Get off the cross, we need the wood.

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:17:41 PM EDT

[#14]

He's so stupid, he couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:19:12 PM EDT

[#15]

A favorite:

When someone says, "You're shittin' me!"

You come back with, "I wouldn't shit you, you're my favorite turd."

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:19:53 PM EDT

[#16]

His cornbread ain't quite done in the middle.

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:20:27 PM EDT

[#17]

That guy is like a blister. He doesn't show up until the work is all done.

He hangs around more than my grandma's washing.

He couldn't organize a pissing contest in a brewery.
Also..
He's such a loser he couldn't enter a pissing contest in a brewery.

If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea.
If all his brains were ink, he couldn't dot an "i".
He wasn't born, just squeezed out of a bartender's rag.

For Loose women...

She uses her sheet for a tablecloth.
She’s found a new dasher for her churn.

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:25:57 PM EDT

[#18]

If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose.

If brains were cotton, he couldn't make a Kotex for a piss ant.

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:27:32 PM EDT

[#19]

If brains were gasoline, you wouldn't have enough to ride a piss-ant's motorcycle around a dime.

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:28:42 PM EDT

[#20]

Hanging in there like a hair in a biscuit..

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:29:37 PM EDT

[#21]

Quote History

Quoted:
A favorite:

When someone says, "You're shittin' me!"

You come back with, "I wouldn't shit you, you're my favorite turd."

View Quote

Father in law always says "you're too big a turd.'

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:29:53 PM EDT

[#22]

Blackadder II's funniest and rudest put downs ?? | Blackadder - BBC

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-Zm8H6G108

Learn to trash talk your nemesis | Blackadder - BBC

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzmG8C4sh2c

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:31:08 PM EDT

[#23]

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't tell you? That's none of your fucking business."

Attached File

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:31:59 PM EDT

[#24]

Your dad should have pulled out.

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:33:05 PM EDT

[#25]

Someone wasting time with a simple task:

"he's busy trying to pick up a turd by the clean end."

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:34:24 PM EDT

[#26]

Quote History

Quoted:
Your dad should have pulled out.

View Quote

Your mom should've swallowed

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:35:32 PM EDT

[#27]

"I find it real hard to believe a retard like you was the fastest swimmer."

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:35:44 PM EDT

[#28]

Quote History

Quoted:
He couldn’t find his ass if his hands were in his back pockets.

View Quote

Could make that a Taylor Swift joke?

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:36:03 PM EDT

[#29]

Quote History

Quoted:
Someone wasting time with a simple task:

"he's busy trying to pick up a turd by the clean end."

View Quote

"do you need a change of address card?"
Better start moving, the buzzards are circling

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:37:43 PM EDT

[#30]

Went to the local bar for burgers with the wife one evening. I'm ordering drinks for the wife and I, local drunk old guy comes up and starts hitting on my wife. As I turn around to hand her her drink shes says "I'm with him" (pointing to me). Old Drunk Guy (it's 5 in the afternoon and he's slurring and can barely stand) says "You lose a bet or what? About this time two of his buddies gather around.

Me:

Wife: Lose a bet?? What?

Me: He's talking about me. Are you with me because you lost a bet.

Wife:

Me to drunk: You know the difference between a rooster and your mom?

Old Drunk: No, what?

Me: A rooster says "Cock-a-doodle-doo", your mom says "Any cock'll do". Drunks buddies start laughing.

Old Drunk: (after he figures it out) I'm gonna kick yer ass!!

Me: "50 years of boxing the clown ain't training for a real fight, no matter how big of a dick you think I am."

Drunks buddies and a few others that had gathered around are laughing their asses off.

Old Drunk: silence.........

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:40:28 PM EDT

[#31]

If he had another brain cell, it would die from loneliness.

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:43:11 PM EDT

[#32]

Quote History

Quoted:
Your dad should have pulled out.

View Quote

The best part of you ran down your daddy's leg.

"I slept with your mom!"
"Yeah, she was really disappointed."

Strange as suspenders on a snake.

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:44:16 PM EDT

[#33]

bullet tooth tony and his desert eagle .50

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGodlHtdZ0U

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:44:39 PM EDT

[#34]

Quote History

Quoted:
Greener than the pee stains in an Irishman's underwear.

Hotter than a half fucked fox in a forest fire.

View Quote

Hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:47:40 PM EDT

[#35]

If they took your brain out and shoved it up a gnats ass it would look like a BB in a boxcar

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:48:13 PM EDT

[#36]

When I'm told that I am being too bluntly honest I say............

I'm not an artist. I don't paint pretty pictures.

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:52:11 PM EDT

[#37]

Your mother wasn't as good as your brother said she'd be.

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:54:33 PM EDT

[#38]

Ed says: Tom your taking this problem too lightly

Tom: No Ed I take this very seriously it is you I take lightly

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:54:50 PM EDT

[#39]

Tropic Thunder: Hit that director in the face

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJJ8iTalwDE

Posted: 6/23/2023 5:56:42 PM EDT

[#40]

I have my ex wife's name saved in my phone as the wheelchair emoji instead of her name.
I was with a couple friends and she was texting me a bunch looking for attention.
My buddy says "what's with the wheelchair?"
I said "she's got a problem with her legs."
His wife says "oh yeah?"
I say "yeah she can't keep them closed".