Another coupla jokes you might enjoy-- - Page 4

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Another coupla jokes you might enjoy-- (Page 4 of 27)

thebeekeeper1

Member

Joined Mar 2001
Posts 55253
EE 100% (17)

IL, USA

Posted: 4/10/2008 5:01:35 PM EDT

[#1]

A Redneck Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one
afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
'Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready
for a vacation. Only this year I'm
gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice
about where to go. Three years ago you
said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii
and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to
the Bahamas ,and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned
if Earlene didn't get pregnant again.'
Luther asks Billy Bob, 'So, what you gonna
do this year that's different?'
Billy Bob says, 'This year I'm taking Earlene with me.

15jonshoot

Joined Apr 2006
Posts 527
EE 0% (0)

MI, USA

Posted: 4/11/2008 11:59:09 AM EDT

[#2]

An older man approaches a younger woman inside a shopping mall.

"Excuse me," he said.

"I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Sure. Do you know where your wife might be?"

"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere."

GiggleSmith

Joined Apr 2003
Posts 12717
EE 0% (0)

PA, USA

Posted: 4/12/2008 12:38:28 PM EDT

[#3]

Three women:

One engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."

The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night I we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't' say a word. We just had wild sex all night."

The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said:

"Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"

thebeekeeper1

Member

Joined Mar 2001
Posts 55301
EE 100% (17)

IL, USA

Posted: 4/15/2008 3:40:24 PM EDT

[#4]

Not my story, not a joke, but kinda nice . . .

Last week I was in Atlanta , Georgia attending a conference. While I was in the airport, returning home, I heard several people behind me beginning to clap and cheer. I immediately turned around and witnessed one of the greatest acts of patriotism I have ever seen.

Moving thru the terminal was a group of soldiers in their camos. As they began heading to their gate, everyone (well almost everyone) was abruptly to their feet with their hands waving and cheering.

When I saw the soldiers, probably 30 -40 of them, being applauded and cheered for, it hit me. I'm not alone. I'm not the only red-blooded American who still loves this country and supports our troops and their families.

Of course I immediately stopped and began clapping for these young unsung heroes who are putting their lives on the line everyday for us so we can go to school, work and home without fear or reprisal.

Just when I thought I could not be more proud of my country or of our service men and women, a young girl, not more than 6 or 7 years old, ran up to one of the male soldiers. He kneeled down and said "hi. "

The little girl then asked him if he would give something to her daddy for her.

The young soldier, who didn't look any older than maybe 22 himself, said he would try and what did she want to give to her Daddy. Then suddenly the little girl grabbed the neck of this soldier, gave him the biggest hug she could muster and then kissed him on the cheek.

The mother of the little girl, who said her daughter's name was Courtney, told the young soldier that her husband was a Marine and had been in Iraq for 11 months now. As the mom was explaining how much her daughter Courtney missed her father, the young soldier began to tear up.

When this temporarily single mom was done explaining her situation, all of the soldiers huddled together for a brief second. Then one of the other servicemen pulled out a military- looking walkie-talkie. They started playing with the device and talking back and forth on it.

After about 10-15 seconds of this, the young soldier walked back over to Courtney, bent down and said this to her, "I spoke to your daddy and he told me to give this to you." He then hugged this little girl that he had just met and gave her a kiss on the cheek. He finished by saying "your daddy told me to tell you that he loves you more than anything and he is coming home very soon."

The mom at this point was crying almost uncontrollably and as the young soldier stood to his feet, he saluted Courtney and her mom. I was standing no more than 6 feet away from this entire event.

As the soldiers began to leave, heading towards their gate, people resumed their applause. As I stood there applauding and looked around, there were very few dry eyes, including my own. That young soldier in one last act of selflessness, turned around and blew a kiss to Courtney with a tear rolling down his cheek.

We need to remember everyday all of our soldiers and their families and thank God for them and their sacrifices. At the end of the day, it's good to be an American.

444

Team Member

Joined Nov 2002
Posts 2600
EE 100% (1)

NV, USA

Posted: 4/16/2008 8:17:34 AM EDT

[Last Edit: 444] [#5]

Ok, I guess I have to break out the big guns.
This is the funniest joke I have ever heard. I try to avoid telling it because I don't want it to get worn out by being passed around all over the world in e-mails. But, what the hell ?
Usually men die laughing at this joke and woman don't think it is funny at all.
If, by some chance, this has already been told, excuse me. I didn't go back through the whole thread to check. This thread has been going on for awhile.

A guy tells his wife that he is going to his best friend's batchelor party. His wife throws a fit: "you told me you were going to settle down when we got married. You said you were going to stop going to parties, you said you were going to stop drinking, I know there are going to be strippers there..............."
He says, Look, I have to go. This is my best friend. But, I won't drink. I will be good. Nothing is going to happen."
Within a half hour at the party, he is drunk out of his mind and throws up all over the front of his shirt. He says to his buddy, "I'm dead. My wife is going to see this and she is going to kill me. She knew I would do this."
His friend says, "Don't worry about it. Just tell her that I got drunk and threw up on your shirt and I stuck $20 in your shirt pocket to buy you a new shirt."
So the guy goes home and as soon as he walks in the door his wife goes crazy. "I knew I couldn't trust you. I knew you would break your promise......."
The guys says, "No, wait. I didn't get drunk and throw up. My buddy did. He gave me $20 to get a new shirt since he threw up on it."
His wife says, "Ok, but why is there $40 here ? "
"Because he shit my pants too."

It's a race to the bottom.

In memory of my 343 Brothers of the FDNY that lost their lives on 11 Sept 01
Never Forget What Happened. Never Forget Who Did It.

20 wpm Extra

15jonshoot

Joined Apr 2006
Posts 530
EE 0% (0)

MI, USA

Posted: 4/17/2008 8:16:23 PM EDT

[#6]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by children)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if
you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and
she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find
out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty- three is the best age because you know the person
FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get
to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you
listen long enough
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all
the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the
dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys
need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is . . .

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks
like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

15jonshoot

Joined Apr 2006
Posts 531
EE 0% (0)

MI, USA

Posted: 4/17/2008 8:17:01 PM EDT

[#7]

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Henny Youngman

'I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.'
Sam Kinison

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
James Holt McGavran

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

15jonshoot

Joined Apr 2006
Posts 532
EE 0% (0)

MI, USA

Posted: 4/17/2008 8:25:04 PM EDT

[#8]

This one has gotten me smacked around more than any other joke. Please remember ladies, you can always change gender and body parts to make it yours.

Fred meets up with an old friend and asks what's up.
Friend says he's almost done with his sex change from man to woman.
Fred says wow! Did it hurt when they cut your penis off????
Friend says no, that didn't hurt at all. What really hurt was when they cut open my head and removed half my brains!!

(you can change it to breasts to make it yours *hint hint* ow! quit hitting me already....please??)

Pacs I am not a Furry, no yiffing allowed Joined Jan 2003 Posts 2554 EE 100% (5) TX, USA	Posted: 4/17/2008 11:45:50 PM EDT [#9] Great jokes, keep it going.
	"Do not call attention to yourself and invite the man into your life" Bama-Shooter Semper Fidelis 1970-1974

hoodonit00

Member

Joined Jul 2005
Posts 634
EE 0% (0)

PA, USA

Posted: 4/18/2008 1:24:02 PM EDT

[#10]

I hope this is a true story. I got all choked up reading it.

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:
Not my story, not a joke, but kinda nice . . .

Last week I was in Atlanta , Georgia attending a conference. While I was in the airport, returning home, I heard several people behind me beginning to clap and cheer. I immediately turned around and witnessed one of the greatest acts of patriotism I have ever seen.

Moving thru the terminal was a group of soldiers in their camos. As they began heading to their gate, everyone (well almost everyone) was abruptly to their feet with their hands waving and cheering.

When I saw the soldiers, probably 30 -40 of them, being applauded and cheered for, it hit me. I'm not alone. I'm not the only red-blooded American who still loves this country and supports our troops and their families.

Of course I immediately stopped and began clapping for these young unsung heroes who are putting their lives on the line everyday for us so we can go to school, work and home without fear or reprisal.

Just when I thought I could not be more proud of my country or of our service men and women, a young girl, not more than 6 or 7 years old, ran up to one of the male soldiers. He kneeled down and said "hi. "

The little girl then asked him if he would give something to her daddy for her.

The young soldier, who didn't look any older than maybe 22 himself, said he would try and what did she want to give to her Daddy. Then suddenly the little girl grabbed the neck of this soldier, gave him the biggest hug she could muster and then kissed him on the cheek.

The mother of the little girl, who said her daughter's name was Courtney, told the young soldier that her husband was a Marine and had been in Iraq for 11 months now. As the mom was explaining how much her daughter Courtney missed her father, the young soldier began to tear up.

When this temporarily single mom was done explaining her situation, all of the soldiers huddled together for a brief second. Then one of the other servicemen pulled out a military- looking walkie-talkie. They started playing with the device and talking back and forth on it.

After about 10-15 seconds of this, the young soldier walked back over to Courtney, bent down and said this to her, "I spoke to your daddy and he told me to give this to you." He then hugged this little girl that he had just met and gave her a kiss on the cheek. He finished by saying "your daddy told me to tell you that he loves you more than anything and he is coming home very soon."

The mom at this point was crying almost uncontrollably and as the young soldier stood to his feet, he saluted Courtney and her mom. I was standing no more than 6 feet away from this entire event.

As the soldiers began to leave, heading towards their gate, people resumed their applause. As I stood there applauding and looked around, there were very few dry eyes, including my own. That young soldier in one last act of selflessness, turned around and blew a kiss to Courtney with a tear rolling down his cheek.

We need to remember everyday all of our soldiers and their families and thank God for them and their sacrifices. At the end of the day, it's good to be an American.

thebeekeeper1

Member

Joined Mar 2001
Posts 55570
EE 100% (17)

IL, USA

Posted: 4/24/2008 11:39:35 PM EDT

[#11]

"OLD PEOPLE"

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the damn jar open.'

RAIDERBOB

Member

Joined Apr 2006
Posts 768
EE 100% (14)

VA, USA

Posted: 4/25/2008 10:52:10 AM EDT

[#12]

Was just reading the "stupid things you've said to your wife" thread and remembered this joke:

A woman tells her husband she wants a boob job, the husband tells her that it's too expensive and that if she wanted bigger boobs she should rub toilet paper between her breasts untill they got larger. The wife asks "will that really work?" Husband replies "it worked for your ass didn't it?"

habsfan44

Member

Joined Apr 2007
Posts 1274
EE 0% (0)

OK, USA

Posted: 4/28/2008 5:12:45 PM EDT

[#13]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:

'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.

Justice is the constant and perpetual will to allot to every man his due.

thebeekeeper1

Member

Joined Mar 2001
Posts 55732
EE 100% (17)

IL, USA

Posted: 5/2/2008 8:27:02 PM EDT

[#14]

I know some of you have been here . . .

A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."

"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."

Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather
because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?

thebeekeeper1

Member

Joined Mar 2001
Posts 55775
EE 100% (17)

IL, USA

Posted: 5/5/2008 10:30:24 AM EDT

[#15]

LIE DETECTOR

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments. " answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy.After all, he is your son!" With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather
because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?

thebeekeeper1

Member

Joined Mar 2001
Posts 56124
EE 100% (17)

IL, USA

Posted: 5/17/2008 11:41:10 PM EDT

[#16]

Subject: UCLA Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

thebeekeeper1

Member

Joined Mar 2001
Posts 56171
EE 100% (17)

IL, USA

Posted: 5/20/2008 12:39:32 PM EDT

[#17]

BANNED FROM WAL-MART

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted that her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, like most women, Mrs. Fenton loved to browse. One day, Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past 6 months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from this store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 14: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 02: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to
go off at 5 minute intervals.

July 07: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares-get on it
right away."

Aug.4: Went to the Service desk and tried to put a
bag of M & M's on layaway.

Sept.14: Moved a "CAUTION-WET FLOOR" sign to a
carpeted area.

Sept. 15: Set up a tent in the Sports Department
and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they
would bring pillows and blankets from the Bedding Department.

Sept. 23: When a clerk asked if they could help
him, he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you
people just leave me alone?"

Oct. 04: Looked right into the security camera and
used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

Nov. 10: While handling guns in the Hunting
Department, he asked the clerk what aisle
the anti-depressants were in.

Dec. 03: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the theme to "Mission Impossible."

Dec. 06: In the Auto Department, he practiced his
"Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

Dec. 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through yelled "PICK ME, PICK ME!!"

Dec. 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed,
"OH, NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least, on Dec. 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,
Wal-Mart

Pacs

I am not a Furry, no yiffing allowed

Joined Jan 2003
Posts 2832
EE 100% (5)

TX, USA

Posted: 5/20/2008 11:06:21 PM EDT

[#18]

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:
Not my story, not a joke, but kinda nice . . .

Last week I was in Atlanta , Georgia attending a conference. While I was in the airport, returning home, I heard several people behind me beginning to clap and cheer. I immediately turned around and witnessed one of the greatest acts of patriotism I have ever seen.

Moving thru the terminal was a group of soldiers in their camos. As they began heading to their gate, everyone (well almost everyone) was abruptly to their feet with their hands waving and cheering.

When I saw the soldiers, probably 30 -40 of them, being applauded and cheered for, it hit me. I'm not alone. I'm not the only red-blooded American who still loves this country and supports our troops and their families.

Of course I immediately stopped and began clapping for these young unsung heroes who are putting their lives on the line everyday for us so we can go to school, work and home without fear or reprisal.

Just when I thought I could not be more proud of my country or of our service men and women, a young girl, not more than 6 or 7 years old, ran up to one of the male soldiers. He kneeled down and said "hi. "

The little girl then asked him if he would give something to her daddy for her.

The young soldier, who didn't look any older than maybe 22 himself, said he would try and what did she want to give to her Daddy. Then suddenly the little girl grabbed the neck of this soldier, gave him the biggest hug she could muster and then kissed him on the cheek.

The mother of the little girl, who said her daughter's name was Courtney, told the young soldier that her husband was a Marine and had been in Iraq for 11 months now. As the mom was explaining how much her daughter Courtney missed her father, the young soldier began to tear up.

When this temporarily single mom was done explaining her situation, all of the soldiers huddled together for a brief second. Then one of the other servicemen pulled out a military- looking walkie-talkie. They started playing with the device and talking back and forth on it.

After about 10-15 seconds of this, the young soldier walked back over to Courtney, bent down and said this to her, "I spoke to your daddy and he told me to give this to you." He then hugged this little girl that he had just met and gave her a kiss on the cheek. He finished by saying "your daddy told me to tell you that he loves you more than anything and he is coming home very soon."

The mom at this point was crying almost uncontrollably and as the young soldier stood to his feet, he saluted Courtney and her mom. I was standing no more than 6 feet away from this entire event.

As the soldiers began to leave, heading towards their gate, people resumed their applause. As I stood there applauding and looked around, there were very few dry eyes, including my own. That young soldier in one last act of selflessness, turned around and blew a kiss to Courtney with a tear rolling down his cheek.

We need to remember everyday all of our soldiers and their families and thank God for them and their sacrifices. At the end of the day, it's good to be an American.

Why do you want to make us get something in our eyes? Thank you.

"Do not call attention to yourself and invite the man into your life" Bama-Shooter

Semper Fidelis 1970-1974

15jonshoot

Joined Apr 2006
Posts 535
EE 0% (0)

MI, USA

Posted: 5/21/2008 4:36:04 PM EDT

[#19]

The Blonde & The Heart Attack

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.

'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

'You rotten b*#$@' she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!

15jonshoot Joined Apr 2006 Posts 536 EE 0% (0) MI, USA	Posted: 5/21/2008 4:36:59 PM EDT [#20] I've often been asked, "what do you older people do now that you're retired?" Well, I have a friend who has a chemistry background and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, bourbon, and wine into urine. And, by golly, we're pretty damn good at it!!"

15jonshoot Joined Apr 2006 Posts 537 EE 0% (0) MI, USA	Posted: 5/21/2008 4:38:17 PM EDT [#21] What's the best thing about going on a date with a homeless girl? You can drop her off anywhere.

thebeekeeper1

Member

Joined Mar 2001
Posts 56779
EE 100% (17)

IL, USA

Posted: 6/15/2008 8:00:48 PM EDT

[Last Edit: thebeekeeper1] [#22]

Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones
because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them,
When in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right man to come along,
The one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree to
pick them.

Now men ...
Men are like a fine wine.
They begin as grapes, and it's up to women
To stomp them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Be careful how you stomp!!

thebeekeeper1

Member

Joined Mar 2001
Posts 56913
EE 100% (17)

IL, USA

Posted: 6/23/2008 12:00:30 AM EDT

[Last Edit: thebeekeeper1] [#23]

Skinny Dipping...

An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for several Years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming and he had fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with Glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, then said 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,

'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Just cause you're old doesn't mean you can't still think fast.

VinceU1

Joined Jan 2001
Posts 321
EE 100% (8)

CO, USA

Posted: 6/25/2008 3:31:29 PM EDT

[#24]

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:

BANNED FROM WAL-MART

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted that her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, like most women, Mrs. Fenton loved to browse. One day, Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past 6 months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from this store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 14: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 02: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to
go off at 5 minute intervals.

July 07: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares-get on it
right away."

Aug.4: Went to the Service desk and tried to put a
bag of M & M's on layaway.

Sept.14: Moved a "CAUTION-WET FLOOR" sign to a
carpeted area.

Sept. 15: Set up a tent in the Sports Department
and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they
would bring pillows and blankets from the Bedding Department.

Sept. 23: When a clerk asked if they could help
him, he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you
people just leave me alone?"

Oct. 04: Looked right into the security camera and
used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

Nov. 10: While handling guns in the Hunting
Department, he asked the clerk what aisle
the anti-depressants were in.

Dec. 03: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the theme to "Mission Impossible."

Dec. 06: In the Auto Department, he practiced his
"Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

Dec. 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through yelled "PICK ME, PICK ME!!"

Dec. 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed,
"OH, NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least, on Dec. 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,
Wal-Mart

Now I've gotta go clean out muh genes!!!

RAIDERBOB

Member

Joined Apr 2006
Posts 921
EE 100% (14)

VA, USA

Posted: 6/27/2008 8:51:41 AM EDT

[#25]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.'

Family Guy: Remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.

thebeekeeper1

Member

Joined Mar 2001
Posts 57246
EE 100% (17)

IL, USA

Posted: 6/30/2008 5:36:02 PM EDT

[#26]

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through, she leaned over and whispered
to her husband, 'I just let out a long silent fart. What
do you think I should do?'

He replied, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

thebeekeeper1

Member

Joined Mar 2001
Posts 57289
EE 100% (17)

IL, USA

Posted: 7/2/2008 11:09:20 PM EDT

[#27]

REPUBLICAN BIKER

A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A NYT reporter has seen the whole scene and, addressing the biker, says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?'

'A Harley Davidson and I am a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads the first page:

REPUBLICAN BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

buttercupp nerd extraordinaire Joined Jun 2005 Posts 1704 EE 0% (0) NV, USA	Posted: 7/3/2008 2:32:51 AM EDT [#28] at both of those.

Makarov_Mami Magically Delicious! Joined Jan 2005 Posts 6364 EE 0% (0) TX, USA	Posted: 7/3/2008 11:20:48 AM EDT [Last Edit: Makarov_Mami] [#29]
	Naughty by Nature Here baby, let me make that hot for you. -- Persephone "Deej is the Chuck Norris of memory." -- Bob1984 www.gotxsg.com

GiggleSmith Joined Apr 2003 Posts 13230 EE 0% (0) PA, USA	Posted: 7/3/2008 12:15:30 PM EDT [#30] The sad part is that I believe the NYT would do such a thing.

cat_aclysm Persephone Rocks! Joined Jun 2004 Posts 1796 EE 0% (0) GA, USA	Posted: 7/3/2008 12:46:56 PM EDT [#31] Captain Kirk for President.
	~Cat_a_something "Love and a .45 are all you need to get through the night. One'll kill you; one'll keep you alive. Love and a .45." ~Chris Knight

thebeekeeper1

Member

Joined Mar 2001
Posts 57480
EE 100% (17)

IL, USA

Posted: 7/10/2008 1:53:05 PM EDT

[#32]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends.'

ms_embroidery

dressing one member at a time

Joined Jan 2001
Posts 809
EE 100% (43)

ND, USA

Posted: 7/10/2008 2:13:12 PM EDT

[Last Edit: ms_embroidery] [#33]

Consider Living Your Next Life Backwards

Try living your next life backwards!
You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.
Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.
When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.
So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.
As you get even younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.
In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap. Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.

Proud member "Ranstad's Militia"

HeldHostage

AKA MrsTREETOP

Joined Sep 2002
Posts 4851
EE 0% (0)

IN, USA

Posted: 7/13/2008 4:46:30 PM EDT

[#34]

Originally Posted By ms_embroidery:
Consider Living Your Next Life Backwards

Try living your next life backwards!
You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.
Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.
When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.
So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.
As you get even younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.
In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap. Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.

The ONLY flaw I can find in this is us women having to give birth to senior citizens.

Fart if you're lonesome. The oxygen displacement causes a void that can only be filled by people. - TREETOP

Persephone NSFW Joined May 2004 Posts 4076 EE 0% (0) VA, USA	Posted: 7/20/2008 9:56:31 AM EDT [#35] last night I was looking for this: The very model of a modern major general and I found this: The very model of a modern homosexual and laughed my ass off.

thebeekeeper1

Member

Joined Mar 2001
Posts 57761
EE 100% (17)

IL, USA

Posted: 7/22/2008 8:24:16 PM EDT

[#36]

Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking
population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from
his pond with his hand. The farmer shouted: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die
Kühe haben dahin gesheissen." (Which means: "'Don't drink the water, the
cows have pooped in it.")

The man shouted back: 'I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for
Obama, I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The farmer replied: "Use two hands, you'll get more."

15jonshoot

Joined Apr 2006
Posts 574
EE 0% (0)

MI, USA

Posted: 7/23/2008 1:31:28 PM EDT

[#37]

Barack Obama, the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate, is for banning all guns in America. He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping

15jonshoot

Joined Apr 2006
Posts 575
EE 0% (0)

MI, USA

Posted: 7/23/2008 1:32:57 PM EDT

[#38]

A woman went to the town's new doctor for a checkup. He was gorgeous!
He said he was going to put his hand on her back and wanted her to say
"Eighty - Eight."

"Eighty-eight." she purred. Doctor said "Good, now I'm going to put my hand on your stomach, and I want you to say 'Eighty-eight.'

"Eighty-eight." "Fine", said the Doc, "now I'm going to put my hand on your chest, and I want you to say 'Eighty-eight.'

"One, two, three, four, . ."

15jonshoot

Joined Apr 2006
Posts 576
EE 0% (0)

MI, USA

Posted: 7/23/2008 1:33:45 PM EDT

[#39]

The Clintons and the Gores are out at dinner and having
a really great time, lots of drinks and friendly flirting. Bill
Clinton looks out over the table and says, "You know, we're
such good friends, why don't we swap for one night and make the
sex more exciting ?" They all think it's a great idea, and they
head off to their bedrooms. Suddenly Bill Clinton hears Hillary
from the next room screaming uncontrollably with pleasure. He
starts to get a little jealous, so he asks, "I wonder what
Hillary could be getting that makes her that happy ?"
Then Al Gore, lying next to him says, "I don't know, but Tipper
must be really hot tonight!"

15jonshoot

Joined Apr 2006
Posts 577
EE 0% (0)

MI, USA

Posted: 7/23/2008 1:34:21 PM EDT

[#40]

Sears Catalog

Two young men were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

One says to the other, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"

The second one replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"

The first one says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I’m buying one."

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."

Three weeks later, the young man asks his friend, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"

The second man replies, "No, but it shouldn’t be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

crzywlf

Team Member

Joined May 2006
Posts 269
EE 100% (4)

VA, USA

Posted: 7/24/2008 1:50:46 PM EDT

[#41]

How To Install A "Home Security System" In The South
===================================================
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammo.
Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked
the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't
think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all
the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside.

"Cooter"

Germans know these things...
Cars, guns and beer.
And every 50 years or so they can be expected to invade your country.
Probably caused by a combination of cars, guns and beer. Sooner or later somebody is gonna call 'road trip' - Steyr Aug

thebeekeeper1

Member

Joined Mar 2001
Posts 57808
EE 100% (17)

IL, USA

Posted: 7/24/2008 2:59:53 PM EDT

[#42]

Rules of the BBQ...

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQing, the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

15jonshoot

Joined Apr 2006
Posts 580
EE 0% (0)

MI, USA

Posted: 7/25/2008 6:03:28 PM EDT

[#43]

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from Detroit showed up.

Never having seen anyone from Detroit at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.

After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.

A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!"

"What? All of the Detroiters are gone?" asked God.

"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"

15jonshoot

Joined Apr 2006
Posts 581
EE 0% (0)

MI, USA

Posted: 7/25/2008 6:04:46 PM EDT

[#44]

Matt. 18:4-5 "Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me."

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.

He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work.

A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

15jonshoot

Joined Apr 2006
Posts 582
EE 0% (0)

MI, USA

Posted: 7/25/2008 6:09:01 PM EDT

[#45]

Two Minnesotans, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up, and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.

At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders, and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."

VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.

Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff, and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrotshooting... and now Lars, hengliding..."

Dats all. Dere ain't no more!

thebeekeeper1

Member

Joined Mar 2001
Posts 58030
EE 100% (17)

IL, USA

Posted: 8/3/2008 11:22:19 PM EDT

[#46]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed.. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now ....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

Mxpatriot51

Undercover ATF agent

Joined Jun 2006
Posts 7460
EE 100% (45)

USA

Posted: 8/4/2008 1:53:44 AM EDT

[Last Edit: Mxpatriot51] [#47]

An 85 year old man, who's wife is terribly worried about his health, visits the Doctor for his yearly check up. The Doctor finds the man to be healthy as could be, but, at the wife's prodding, asks the old man how he feels and if he's noticed any odd changes in his body as he's aged.

The old man responds "Well Doc, there is this one thing. When I go to the bathroom at night, the light turns even though I haven't touched the switch. I can't figure it out for the life of me."

Perplexed, the Doctor asks the man's wife if she has any knowledge of an automatic light switch in her home. She responds "Damnit, he's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

If guns kill people, then cars drive drunk, pencils misspell words, and spoons made Rosie O'Donnel fat.

thebeekeeper1

Member

Joined Mar 2001
Posts 58156
EE 100% (17)

IL, USA

Posted: 8/8/2008 11:13:03 PM EDT

[#48]

Why, Why, Why . . .

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

cerberus1

For Informational Purposes Only

Joined Nov 2006
Posts 2069
EE 100% (30)

PA, USA

Posted: 8/9/2008 2:55:52 AM EDT

[#49]

Originally Posted By GiggleSmith:
The sad part is that I believe the NYT would do such a thing.

Sadly, this.

Still, that joke is funny as all hell.

"No parent including me wants to see their son go off to war for any reason but, Duty to Country is duty to family. Without our Country none of us would have a Family."
-crowboy

thebeekeeper1

Member

Joined Mar 2001
Posts 58206
EE 100% (17)

IL, USA

Posted: 8/12/2008 4:33:27 PM EDT

[#50]

GOD is Busy

If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!! A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had
Completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan .

One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 min.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.'

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine g ot out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?' The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.'

Another coupla jokes you might enjoy-- (Page 4 of 27)

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