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Posted: 8/8/2002 2:21:40 PM EDT
[#1]
Quoted: Can you post a photo? lost them last time the computer crashed... she wasn't the prettiest, but she was exactly what i wanted... i guess there are others... time will tell. |
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Posted: 8/8/2002 2:31:00 PM EDT
[#2]
colinjay,
This is actually helpful for me top tell you this. You are better off without her. If she doesn't want to be with you, better for you that she splits. My wife became mentally ill 7 or so years ago and finally left/divorced me 2 years ago. I had about 5 years of the most miserable times. The things that happened were right out of a Hitchcock film. We went to counseling (with her psychiatrist), church, and a ton of other stuff. I felt tons of guilt- (still have some)- such as I didn't do everything to help her. And I miss her terribly. But a while back I realized I missed her "before" she became ill. No way did I miss what our marriage had become. So I moved on. Actually am "trying" to move on. My great sister sent me this joke. I really think it's a fable. A man and wife had trained for 5 years to become secret agents. They were taking final exams and had one last task. The supervisor led the husb to one room and the wife to another room. The supervisor gave a pistol to the husb and said "Your final task is to kill you wife. This will prove your worthiness to be a secret agent." The husb went into the wife's room and came out 2 minutes later with tears in his eyes. "I just couldn't kill my wife." The supervisor took him back to his room and told him to wait there. The supervisor then went into the wife's room, gave her a pistol and told her to go kill her husband. The wife went into the husb's room. After a minute the supervisor heard a tremendous amount of crashing and yelling from the room. The wife soon emerged and the supervisor asked what happened. The wife replied; "The damn gun was empty so I had to kill him with a chair!" Moral: If you let her, some women will kill you (many forms of "kill you"). Take care of yourself first during this time. Alot of folks say "Oh you'll get over it." Apparently they've never gone through "it." Best regards, Don Referring to these lines: "Alot of folks say ..." "Apparently they've..." I'm not talking about folks on this board as I don't personally know anyone. I'm refering to the happily married people I know who keep freakin' telling me this until I am sick of hearing it. |
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Posted: 8/8/2002 2:36:14 PM EDT
[#3]
What part of Dallas are you in???
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Posted: 8/8/2002 3:15:54 PM EDT
[#4]
Quoted: well the car accident involved both her am me and nearly took my life as she watched helplessly... i still feel terribly guilty over it because she always commented on my agressive driving and her fear of it... i had also promised to change... She and you should know you can't change someone else. Didn't she know how you drove before you were married? WHAT ELSE did she want you to change?? WHY would you change for someone else?? You are who you are! If you see something in yourself YOU want to change, fine. but i still know deep down that it was an accident, but i just wish i had followed through with what i promised and that she could just forgive me. i feel that i have learned my lesson as well as some other improtant ones too and that this time aroung i could be a much better husband if she would only let me... Learned your lesson?? That YOU should change for someone else? Colin, doesn't sound to me like you have learned anything. Ever hear of "co-dependance"? Take a look at yourself. to her, it seems to me, i died and left her life on that evening in february 2001... i know too, that we voewd to be totgether in sickness and in health and for richer and for poorer and that what God had created we would not take apart... and im very hurt that she could undo this all so calculatedly... my final attempt at reconciliation will be to call the pastor that married us, whom i know that she respects and admires greatly and see if he can talk any sense into her, but that is a very stick situation to put him in... even her friends have told me "sorry colin, but it looks like its over" but i just cant give up until its signed away and done... Were you REALLY spiritually evenly yoked?? hrmmmm... i really would like for someone else to come along and for my world to be fixed, Here's the DEAD GIVEAWAY! Someone else can "fix" your world?? You need to start listening to Dr. Laura! but only as a distant second place to being with the one who i knew that God put on this planet to be my wife and companion for the rest of my life... heh, i swear one of these days its going to be a good day?! two years of muck and despair cant last forever can they?! :| The most important thing a man can do on this planet, is to find out what G*ds will is for his life, then get on with it.....You've had 2 years of muck and despair because of YOU! It's your choice to roll in the mud. As long as your fulfillment comes from others you are toast. Look to yourself...Ask G*d...HE IS faithful. |
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Posted: 8/8/2002 3:48:14 PM EDT
[#5]
lib86
i understand perfectly what you are talking about and to some extent i [b]am[/b] co-dependent... i ma dependent on making the Lord happy and doing what is pleasing to him... God abhors divorce and decreed that no man should take apart with his hands that He himself has created... it is that which makes me the most dissapointed as well as my wife was the one who brought me to Christ and I feel a special bond there as well... i dont really need a woman to fix my world... i need a wife and a loving relationship as a husband and a wife to exemplify the glory of God... i feel like in some way i need to redeem myself... maybe this will have to happen in good time? Backstop, wow, this is truly the closest thing to my situation that i can imagine... life with my wife after the accident was like living with a campletely different person... she started smoking, acting bizarre, talking about getting tattoos, normal things that were abnormal for her. i truly feel that the trauma that she went through has severly altered her personality or at least heavily modified it. [b]SHE[/b] was the one who swore to me that she couldnt bear to reapeat the mistakes of her parents (divorce) and that God and her mairriage were her top priorities in life. all of a sudden she wa like "well i meant it at the time, but things have changed"... im sure part of keeping me away from her is a protection mechanism, but i really do think something just isnt right in her head, because she has to know how much i love and care for her and would do anything for her... but she still thinks it appropriate to simply walk away from the last five years. i understand too, what you said about missing what she [b]was[/b] and what we [b]had[/b] becasue i know that the year after the accident was pure torturous hell and the way she treated me made my family (who are just now telling me about it) go through the roof. she even had the nerve to complain about how expensive my pain meds were (my brother said he almost punched her in the face) and when i was near death in the icu and the doctors were talking about my condition she said "what about me? i was injured in the accident too?" mind you her collarbone break hurt im sure, but my parents thought it not only inappropriate but sick and callous... which leads me to believe that something is just not right in her head... and that is what makes it really tough to walk away from it, because who knows if she may snap out of it, if she ever does? energizer- im right off central and lovers |
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Posted: 8/8/2002 3:52:41 PM EDT
[#6]
oh and backstop thanks for sharing your personal and very painful story, im right in it with you my friend :)
colin |
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Posted: 8/8/2002 7:15:54 PM EDT
[#7]
Like I said earlier, I HAVE been there. Of course, what was right for me MAY not be right for you. If you have tried your best and she leaves/divorces you I fail to see a religious problem, the Catholic Church aside (they have little room to judge at the moment IMO.) Take that part of the problem up with God and ignore peoples opinions on the subject.
You love what she WAS, not what she has become. Expecting her to change back is likely as fruitless as you changing to please her. Sometimes very religious women once they taste freedom really change a lot! It MAY be time to move on, set a new course, put your failed marriage behind you. If that marriage is destructive to both of you how can it be right? Once heard a saying something like this: A man and a woman marry. She thinks "I can change him into a good husband". He thinks "she is great, I know she will never change". Both are usally disapointed to find they were wrong. |
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Posted: 8/9/2002 3:16:06 PM EDT
[#8]
[b]Update:[/b]
Got served this afternoon with divorce papers... anyone know a good reputable divorce lawyer in the DFW area, or can any of the lawyers here give me some advice??? i have 20 days to respond, and im sure she timed this just in time for me to be starting school :( anyone up for going shooting this weekend??? |
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Posted: 8/9/2002 3:35:37 PM EDT
[#9]
[b]colinjay[/b], you have an IM!
Eric The(Helpful)Hun[>]:)] |
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Posted: 8/9/2002 5:24:11 PM EDT
[#10]
We'll Brother, I'll give you some real advice from an old man's perspective.
1. The secret to a happy marriage is "knowing when to shut up." 2. Even though you're married never stop dating, I don't mean other women. Being & staying married is tougher than dating. Now, forget all the self destructive behavior, no booze, no drugs, no sulking around. No trolling the bars for sluts, you will just end up with some STD making your life more difficult & misearable. First, think of the things that you wanted to do while you were married and couldn't do because of the obligations to your wife. Go Do them. Spend every day on the range if that is your joy, focus all that anger, hurt, & pain on accomplishing somthing positive, like body building. Set a goal & acheive it. Make yourself better! Before you can be happy with someone else, you must be happy with yourself. Forget filling that void, forget that search for someone new. When you achieve personal happiness, your self confidence, energy or aura for lack of a better word will be attractive to women. Hang out at places doing stuff that you like to do, fishing, shooting, whatever, hang out in places where there are positive people, church or community groups for example. There you will likely find someone of like mind. Never settle for less than perfect in a mate & remember, if something they do or say or believe is contrary to your ideas, forget them, they cannot be changed, perhaps temporary but not permanently. Think like a Marine, Improvise, Adapt, Overcome. |
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Posted: 8/9/2002 5:41:03 PM EDT
[#11]
Quoted: We'll Brother, I'll give you some real advice from an old man's perspective. 1. The secret to a happy marriage is "knowing when to shut up." 2. Even though you're married never stop dating, I don't mean other women. Being & staying married is tougher than dating. Now, forget all the self destructive behavior, no booze, no drugs, no sulking around. No trolling the bars for sluts, you will just end up with some STD making your life more difficult & misearable. First, think of the things that you wanted to do while you were married and couldn't do because of the obligations to your wife. Go Do them. Spend every day on the range if that is your joy, focus all that anger, hurt, & pain on accomplishing somthing positive, like body building. Set a goal & acheive it. Make yourself better! Before you can be happy with someone else, you must be happy with yourself. Forget filling that void, forget that search for someone new. When you achieve personal happiness, your self confidence, energy or aura for lack of a better word will be attractive to women. Hang out at places doing stuff that you like to do, fishing, shooting, whatever, hang out in places where there are positive people, church or community groups for example. There you will likely find someone of like mind. Never settle for less than perfect in a mate & remember, if something they do or say or believe is contrary to your ideas, forget them, they cannot be changed, perhaps temporary but not permanently. Think like a Marine, Improvise, Adapt, Overcome. [b]That's it!!! in a nutshell, I could NOT have said it better myself!![/b] Rustyolddog... you sound like a voice from experience. [beer] |
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Posted: 8/9/2002 5:54:13 PM EDT
[#12]
colinjay
Sure I will go shooting with you. Just drop me an E-mail. I live in Frisco. Rusty |
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Posted: 8/9/2002 6:44:11 PM EDT
[#13]
ColinJay
Been there, done that, have the scars. [BD] I know it's difficult (see above statement), but for your sake, just accept it and move forward! I know alot of the guy's have said to drink, but that's the wrong thing to do, alcohol is a depressent and that you don't need right now! Meet up with some of the Tx guy's and do some shootin, go to dinner, hang out together. Lot of good guy's on this board, take the time to meet some of them! |
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Posted: 8/10/2002 4:16:22 AM EDT
[#14]
[b]Quoted: Rustyolddog... you sound like a voice from experience.[/b] Ahhh, better yet DrFrigeson, I am a voice of many others experience, the gift of observation & enlightenment keeps my eyes open to the wisdom. I learn from others mistakes. Wisdom comes with age. You must strive to see the forest for the trees. I have been happily married to a woman who can out shoot me & out fish me most of the time. It was only after I gave up the search for "The One" and found happiness in myself, that I found her. That took many painful years to learn that, Grasshopper. |
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Posted: 8/10/2002 5:08:38 AM EDT
[#15]
Time for me to chime in.
I was with a gal a few years ago and I thought what we had was great. She was my world and I would have died for her. I wanted to marry her. Then one day she just about killed me when she said we needed to see other people, and she proceeded to do just that. I wasn't strong enough to just turn around and walk away. I was willing to do whatever it took for the chance that things would work out for us. She had me on the roller coaster from hell. I was an emotional train wreck, eventually she didn't want to see me anymore. I became very depressed. I quit doing the things I enjoyed and all I wanted to do was sleep. I wanted to just go to sleep and not wake up again. My family was really worried about me. I immediately got into other relationships that were of course doomed. I was looking for a replacement. It never happened. Finally I sought out help. It was suggested that I start writing a journal, pour out my feelings on paper. I did this religiously for a long time and it helped. It was also stressed that I needed to go back to school. I learned that more than anything, I was in love with the relationship, not her. This was evident due to my willingness to let her beat on me in an emotional sence in the hopes that it would work out. It took a while but eventually it started making sence to me. When I started seeing what she had put me through, I started to hate her for it. The healing had begun and over time the pain subsided. I swore women off for "a while" while I worked on making myself happy. "A while" turned into 10 years. In that time I did whatever I wanted to do. I had the motorcycles, boats, and have a safe full of guns. I purchased my first house last October. I just was not at all interested in so much as dating a woman. That changed when I met a woman last Christmas. We have become good friends and I sense that things are moving into an even stronger direction. I accompanied her to a family reunion last weekend where I was well received by her family. She is out of town this weekend but next week I am going to sit her down and let her know that I am developing some pretty strong feelings. I hope she feels the same way but if not I have the ability to deal with it even if it means not seeing her as much. Colin, the old saying that time heals is true. There will be dark days ahead. Only by pushing yourself and seeking out positive influences and help will they get better. Take some time to grieve but do not let it consume you. Realize that if it becomes to much that it may be time to seek out help. I hope that there is something in this that helps. Good luck. |
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Posted: 8/10/2002 5:27:54 AM EDT
[#16]
Good post Lumpy..good luck with your friend....
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Posted: 8/10/2002 5:43:56 AM EDT
[#17]
Yes, [b]lumpy[/b], that was a great post for helping all of us put some things into a proper perspective!
Who knows what direction and what turns your life may be taking, at any time? We are all on that very same rollercoaster, and the only thing we can do is make certain we are tightly buckled into our seats. Keep your arms inside the car at all times. After a few trips around the tracks, when you can see the pattern, you can rest a bit more comfortably in your car. But still...remain seated, remain belted, and remember to keep your arms inside the car! BTW, [b]Lumpy[/b] does your friend like the bear? [:D] Eric The(She'dBetter,You'reAttachedToIt!)Hun[>]:)] |
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Posted: 8/10/2002 6:52:25 AM EDT
[#18]
Quoted: Who knows what direction and what turns your life may be taking, at any time? i guess this is part of it too... did i mention that im only 24? i guess part of my feelings are tied to the fact that im finally realizing that sometimes [b]BAD[/b] things happen to [b]GOOD[/b] people. and that life is not necessarily what you make it, but sometimes what you let it make you... if that makes any sense :) i guess my challenge is not to let it make me into a weak, jaded person but a strong, confident and better husband for someone in the future... however, it sure sucks when you are still in the thick of it! eric, what sucks too is on that first white knuckled trip on the coaster you are thinkin' "im paying for this"?? same goes for my situation too, i guess :) thanks, everyone, for all the advice!!! |
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Posted: 8/10/2002 7:08:55 AM EDT
[#19]
Quoted: i guess this is part of it too... did i mention that im only 24? however, it sure sucks when you are still in the thick of it! Platitudes aside, you're sure right about that last part! Yer young, things will work out. Trust G*d, KNOW he has a plan. Try and find out what His plan is for you, and do it the best you can.. |
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Posted: 8/10/2002 5:05:23 PM EDT
[#20]
One bit of advice, if the judge decided to file a restraining order along with that divorce, you might want to get someone to keep your guns for you until the divorce is settled.
R.E. US v. Emerson |
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Posted: 8/10/2002 6:22:25 PM EDT
[#21]
Sorry that you are going through these rough times! But take my word, along with just about everyone that has posted, that things will get better. Yes it will take time but it will happen. I can understand that you just want to be a family man, But maybe first you need to just be you and focas on making YOU happy. Believe me, I know how lonely it gets not having someone to share things with. It makes us stronger. This accident that you had and that was apparently the root of this separation.... Im sorry but you dont divorce someone because they didnt drive safely and got into an accident. You get mad sure, but you dont leave them! She made the vow to be with you for better and for worse and if she truley loved you she would stick by your side through your hard times. Obvioulsly she is not capable of doing this. So this is my question.. In the light of all this why do you still want her??? YOU are not the one who has to change. From what is sounds like YOU did nothing wrong.
So....... This is what you do. You go to bed tonight and tell yourself that when you wake up in the morning you are going to work on becoming the new and improved Colinjay. Yes it will be difficult and there will be times that you will just want to give up and sit in a corner and feel sorry for yourself. But you CANNOT let yourself do that! You know why? Because that is what SHE wants. Find a new hobby, workout, join a sports team. Anything to ease the pain. And will it go away, no it wont but it will hurt less in time. Until you do all of these things and let yourself heal you most likely will not succeed in another healthy relationship. ( for the time being ) So this is my best advice to you. Take it from a lady, it is in your best intrests to follow this advice and the advice of all of the other posts. The best of luck to you! |
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Posted: 8/10/2002 6:32:17 PM EDT
[#22]
Time heals all wounds. Pretty lame advice right now, but hang in there, the best is yet to come.
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Posted: 8/10/2002 6:52:45 PM EDT
[#23]
colinjay, it takes more to get over stuff like this when you're 24. That also improves with time.
i failed to mention that my ex also claimed to be a Christian. Well, by their fruits ye shall know them. She is a spoiled attention seeker wh just found out she can attract other men. Counter file immediately, and take no prisoners. You have rec'd some good (and not so good) advice here. I can only add that no one can be happy with you until you are happy with yourself. |
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Posted: 8/10/2002 11:10:15 PM EDT
[#24]
Colin,
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. I went through and got out of the same type of relationship, when I was about the same age you are. I could not imagine my life without her, and almost drank myself to death for 3 years afterwards. What I found out years later was that I could not love someone into being "Well" I had my share of problems, but instead of focusing on my own I tried fixing hers. I used to hate people telling me "It will get better" I kept waiting, and then it dawned on me that the only way for it to get better, was for me to take the initative, find my self worth again, and take back the person I was before it happened. I am not a "Bible Thumper" but I finally learned to make my last resort my first: PRAY, and rely on GOD. It was like, "Hey God, I don't know what to do here, I don't know why I'm here, will you help me out???" I am 34 now and married to a woman who I never dreamed existed. It does get better, but you have to "get you back" and make it happen. Hope this helps some. Hang in there! J.T. |
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Posted: 8/12/2002 6:56:59 AM EDT
[#25]
anyone up for going shooting this weekend??? Did I miss another shootout this weekend??? ETH-- you could have called... |
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Posted: 8/12/2002 10:06:38 AM EDT
[#26]
energizer-
nope, it was just me... goatboy disabled viewing of e-mail addresses just in time for me to actually need them :( i just ended up going to the bullet trap in Plano and shooting my new Glock30... well, maybe next time? my email is nait3@yahoo.com just remove the <> part and drop me a line! colin |
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Posted: 8/12/2002 11:19:06 AM EDT
[#27]
"It is loneliness that makes the loudest noise. This is true of men as of dogs." -Eric Hoffer
"We would never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world." -Hellen Keller colinjay, hang in there friend. I know it hurts. -Chimborazo |
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Posted: 8/12/2002 1:06:14 PM EDT
[#28]
"Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"
Take care of yourself my friend. Be strong. Larry |
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Posted: 8/12/2002 1:39:44 PM EDT
[#29]
ETH,
I didnt hear from you on Saturday... Also, your IM is full, and I think I deleted the one with your number :P Send another IM my way if you can... Thanks in advance, Colin |
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Posted: 8/12/2002 1:46:18 PM EDT
[#30]
If you love something, set it free...........if it doesn't return, HUNT IT DOWN AND KILL IT!
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Posted: 8/14/2002 4:55:02 AM EDT
[#31]
God NEVER makes mistakes buddy. Everything in your life happened for a reason, hopefully u will gather the wisdom from it. Like many have said, you will be much stronger after this(I bench almost 2x as much as i did before my fiance left me, he he). Engaged with the love of my life for 4years, then she up and left a brotha on a cold november night in my uncle's driveway. I thought we had more than any couple I had ever met(yes i somehow believed that). Greatest man i ever knew, my Father, died when i was 15, and I didn't think i would ever trust another person, or love them with my whole heart. It was almost a miracle when I found my fiance. I loved/love her very much and sometimes think I was starting to love her more than my Lord. Probably one of the many reasons it ended. I still love her, and will until my death, but that doesn't change her in the least. All that was nearly a year ago, and I'm up and running again. Do the things u couldn't do before as someone mentioned, spur of the moment type stuff, but keep it safe man. Don't make the mistake of trying to hate her as many imature persons would do, that only makes it hurt worse. Sounds like you wouldn't do that though. And on the divorce thing, you do realize what The big G joined together can be seperated by adultery on either persons part; even though she may not have done that yet, that is her intent and you don't have anything to worry about in that since. There are 2 kinds of people here, those that try to do good and those that don't. If your a try to do gooder and accept Jesus then you can't do enough wrongs to keep you from eternal life. Sorry, sorry, not trying to preach to everyone, just want ole colinjay to get the hole divorce thing cleared up in his heart. Don't focus on it getting better in the future, think about what your going to do in the next minute. I could slang quotes like crack on this thing, but you've heard them all before. Only one i'll put up here is the one from young guns: "Portions of your life are like ole paperback novels, when one ends you throw it away, and pick up a new one." I realize it isn't that easy, but that is what you have to focus on doing. Only way to be happy all the time is to base your happiness on something that never changes. there is some great advice in some of these replies, easily distinguishable from the bad. Hope some of this helps. J |
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