I should be posting this under an assumed name but I'm pretty sure the statute of limitations has run out.

I was pretty buffed up, no really buffed up, to the point that if I didn't leave the party I knew I would puke and make an ass of myself.  I couldn't walk but I could still drive.

I crawled to my car, a Datsun 260 Z, and decided to cruise the Lake Michigan Beach at Pere Marquette.  

I came down around the hill to the road that parallels the beach and things were pretty fuzzy.  I was a little too close to the right shoulder and there was some sand from the dunes on the road-way.  It kind of started to suck me to the right so I turned to the left.  I was still headed right so I cranked the wheels to left.  

All of a sudden the wheels got free and I shot, left across the road...right in front of a car and forced it off the road down into the beach side of the road.  I immediately stopped and started to get out to help the poor SOBs that I just ran off the road into the sand when I saw some thing on the back of their car that made me re-think what I was doing.

It was "Sheriff".  

I hopped back in my car and floored it up around a couple of curves, into a subdivision and passed out in some ones drive-way.

I had escaped at least a couple nights stay in the whooscow.

I'm 36 and I've never been a drinker.  I've never been drunk and I've only been lightly buzzed twice.  The more severe buzz was caused by two beers in two hours.   And you know what?
It SUCKED.  I discovered that not being in complete control of my motor skills is a situation that sucks the entire schlong, and I won't go there.   So I became a total non-drinker before I even got started.

When I was stationed at Keesler AFB, though, a lot of my squad bay buddies got toasted routinely on the weekends.  I sometimes had to step carefully over them as they were embracing the toilet for dear life in the mornings after a rough weekend.   Apparently, the cool ceramic rim feels good on the hungover forehead, or so I've been told.

You guys must have all been slow learners at one time.   Hopefully, you eventually figured out that puking is a survival reflex against being POISONED.  If you hadn't figured it out by now, some of you would be dead.

I don't have any funny drunk stories.  But would you like me to tell you a story about how I helped prep a dead college student's body for burial when I worked at a funeral home?  He'd died of alcohol poisoning as a result of a drinking contest.

We didn't have to embalm the guy.  He'd done that to himself already.

Yeah, that was very fucking funny.  Ha fucking ha.


I really hope you guys have grown out of that sort of behavior.   Life is too short to make it shorter.

But then again, maybe I'm one of those people with an alcohol-activated Jekyll and Hyde personality....the madman who drinks, and me, who doesn't....as far as I know.  But I have no unaccounted for periods of time except for when I'm asleep, but I have turned into a very light sleeper as I came into my thirties and I don't think I have a dual personality induced by alcohol.  I'm just half-crazy and so am I.


CJ

At a strip bar for a bachelor party, we got the bachelor completely shit-faced.  I'm sitting across from him and grab a stripper's dirty panties and stick it in his mouth, so now he's chewing on these dirty stripper's panties hanging out of his mouth...funnier than all shit, just had to be there.

Hey, I'm available for bachelor parties. [:D]

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This one time, at band camp,

Ok this is sorta scary to tell so except for the fact that it took place at N.A.S Memphis any other details concerning when and specifically who was involved will be left out. As it is every marine on this board probably wont be very happy at the end of this story. I was attending A-school and us squids were at war with the jarheads, near as i could tell it was neverending. It was goin on when i got there and thanx to me and some friends was escalating when i left. This episode started when the marines began tag teaming lone sailors and stealin their white hats, we retaliated by stealin their guide on and a few other little things but those guys would always stick with the white hats. We couldn't figure it out, what the hell did they see in em? Then we heard this rumour about a little white bulldog mascot that had his own pile of white hats to chew on. We sent a sailor with a high n tight haircut over to the marines side of town to find out if it was true, he comes back and says "f*ck yeah it's f*ckin true". Well anyone who's been in the navy knows you just can't let sh*t like that go on. A few nights later after some serious drinkin we settled on a plan. One of the marines on duty always took the lil guy out to do his thing..........we were waiting for em. We slammed the jarhead, took the dog, taped the smallest white hat we could find on his head and with a permanent magic marker wrote "GO NAVY" on both sides of his body. Then let him go. Luckily we were all graduating and leaving within the week so we managed to avoid the wrath of some very, very and i mean very pissed off marines. Sorry if i offended any of the marines on this board you have my utmost respect as soldiers, drinkers and brawlers but it was funny as hell.

I stole what was left of the (whole) roast beef at my aunts wedding in an attempt to hang it from the rear view mirror of the Limo. Hotel Security chased me through a crowd of horrified onlookers and they actually yelled "freeze"..at which point I assumed the position up against the wall with the roast beef high above my head and resting against the hotels brand new wallpaper. Since my aunt WORKED there..they did not press charges. I am ashamed for what I did, but I was sure that I was invisible. Luckily, my Aunt is VERY forgiving.

Just this past weekend I was at Pat Obriens in the FRENCH QUATER. I drank a few to many beers and Hurricanes. I was told that I did many stupid things but the one where I was trying to fix up my buddy with this cute chick and then after she denied , I tried to take her home with my wife listening to the whole thing. Good thing she puts up with my shit. She got me home that night cleaned my throw up and put me to bed. I am still kissing her but..

Well, aside from pulling down the shower curtain in a friend's bathroom once by accident (while trying to use the toilet drunk and in the dark and losing my balance) the only funny thing I've done happened on New Year's Eve at Epcot Center.
My wife and I went with one of my best friends and his current girlfriend and I started drinking on the way...so by the time we got there I was in fine form.
Anyway, my friend's girlfriend was a smoker who kept saying she was trying to quit, so all night whenever she lit a cigarette I grabbed it out of her mouth and tossed it away.
Seemed like a good idea to me, but for some reason she began to get pissed after a couple times...

My buddie an his wife who I am DEAR freinds with got into several bottles of Tequila an Mezcal on a lazy afternoon Magaritas an shots flowin like the sunshine next thing I know were all naked in the hot tub with the blender container floating in the tub an mooning each other and lovin them hot water jets!.next thing I remember is my Bud heads off to bed an me an his wife dancin naked on the coffee table in the living room at two in the morn'in with curtains drawn way open.....and I'll be God Danmed if I could 'member what she looks like naked she is eye candy!!!!!!!!

Are you sure she was only sixteen????

Back in the"good old days" (single, own apartment, lotza $ etc.), I had been out trying to break the Draft Guinness consumption record with some buddies, one of whom was an old friend of mine in town on some course and he was staying with me for a couple of days.

Oddly enough, our boisterous swearing, singing, shouting and eventual fighting, had failed to attract any suitable females.

Anyway, the next morning I wake up with a really bad hangover. As I am leaving for work, I go to get my coat from the hallway closet. As I open the closet door, a strobe light flashes – almost blinding me – and illuminates a HUGE, brightly colored bird with a vast, black gapping mouth, standing just inside the closet. It looked like a 5ft tall,  300lbs bright yellow duck!

I was in bad shape before I opened the f*cking closet door, but this sight almost gave me a Goddamned heart attack. I screamed in horror, stumbled back from the closet and fell to the floor. The bird from hell didn't move.

As I lay there, the strobe fired again and, just a quickly, it all came back to me. On the way back from the pub, my buddy and I had liberated one of those fibreglass trashcan covers (this one shaped like a duck) in the grounds of the apartment complex – together with a roadworks strobe light – and hidden them in the hallway closet. I was about 19 at the time, with a drunken I.Q. to match!

When I eventually recovered, I tentatively retrieved my coat and left the apartment on the 9th floor, only to find a group of angry neighbors all waiting for elevators that did not seem to be functioning. It was then that I also remembered that our gang (me, my buddy and the giant duck) had broken into the basement utilitizes room in the early hours and not only disconnected, but removed the breakers for the elevators (I'm pretty sure this was all the duck's idea!). With the aid of the blinding strobe light, me, my buddy and the giant duck had then made it up the stairway to my apartment on the 9th floor.

To this day, I still maintain that it was the duck that made me do it!

This happened 20 years ago, but here it goes. Went to a party 30 miles from home with my older brother who was in college at the time, also were 2 of my buddies who tagged along. All of us except my brother were underage, but back then alcohol was as easy to get for a teenager as a hamburger. Each of us had our own poison, and this one dude brings not one but two bottles of MD 20/20. This party is mostly older people than my group, college students, & young adults. Its at about a 3000 sq. ft. home that is super nice with great furnishings, tastefully decorated, etc. Well it turns out that after about 30 minutes my friend has already drank both bottles of Mad Dog, and says he needs something else to drink. He gets up, turns over a huge bowl of popcorn on the carpet, and staggers toward a staircase. Sitting at the top of the staircase about 4 feet away is a HUGE grandfather clock, and guess what he tries to grab. Just luckily my other friend was coming up the stairs and caught the clock as it started to fall. Well we see how drunk he is, so we take him outside and put him in the car. (My brother just happened to borrow my parents 3 month old Ford Thunderbird that night) He is still coherent, says he just dizzy. We leave him in the car with the window rolled down, telling him if he gets sick to hang his head out or open the door and get out. We check on him every 20 minutes or so, and after about the 4th check we go outside and he doesn't answer us. I open the passenger side door, his head hits the concrete curb HARD. He has passed out and has puked everywhere inside this new fine ride. His glasses were covered in puke about 2 inches deep on the carpet. The door handles have grooves that are level with puke. The little seat belt box that the webbing rolls up into has puke in it. The dash is covered with puke, the windshield has puke on it. We get him out, stand him up, but he will not wake up. We got towels and sponged up as much as we could, then we decided to put his ass in the trunk for the ride home. We took money out of his wallet and headed to a quarter wash. We first took a hose and washed his upper body off while he hung limp like a corpse half out the trunk, his head hanging down past the bumper to the ground. We vacuumed, and vacuumed about $6.00 worth. We stopped at quick shop and bought Lysol spray and sprayed in the car. (It didn't work, believe me). When we got to his mom's house , we opened the trunk and this time he woke up. We helped him get to the door, got out his key and opened the door. I asked him "what are you gonna do?" He replies I'm going upstairs straight to bed. As I carefully eased the door shut, I heard him pass out and hit the floor. I took off running back to the car and we sped home. The next morning at 6:30 am his mother calls my mother, the cats out of the bag. What was really bad was when my Dad went to drive car for Janice Sunday afternoon ride, and it has been 90 degrees all day while sitting in the sun. I'm hunkered down in my room while he goes to get in the car, he opens the door & after about 6 seconds he SLAMS it with all his might. Guess you know what happens then, I get an ass beating like no 17 year old  has ever had.

Once years ago at the beach during spring break, my buddy ant I took on more booze than we could handle.  We manged to struggle back to the hotel without running afoul of the law, and I remember thinking "Thank God we made it, and didn't get pulled."  I climbed out of the car at the hotel and went to sleep (Read, Passed out).

Some time later, I became aware of this shrill womans voice that would not shut up.  I lifted my head from my warm safe spot and my eyes focused on some green indoor outdoor carpet, a pair of womens bedroom slippers to the right of my head and a pair of black shoes like cops wear in front of my head.  I looked up and saw the face from which the shrilling was emitting and a police offier peering down at me from above.

I had made it from the car to the hallway of our hotel, but passed out in the hall 3 doors from my room.  The lady staying in the room was rasiing hell that some drunk was on her doorstep, and the cops had just shown up when her Hillary like voice penetrated inner core or my booze sodden brain and woke me up.

The commotion also awoke my buddy who had made it all the way to the room, before crashing.  Apparently I'd been in the hall for an hour or so.  Between the two of us putting on our best "Yesh occifer, you'll not hear a peepsh out of ush if we can jussh go to our roomsh down hersh."  After some debate, the cops decided I would be no more trouble and it was easier to walk me the 3 doors down than to take me to jail so I even got so sleep it off in my hotel room rather than a drunk tank.  

Kinda off-topic, but I still think it's funny. And I KNOW people here can relate...

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So anyway,

I'm at this party in high school. My first time getting really drunk. After about 10 shots of Jack Daniels and 6 or 7 beers, I gave my keys to this kid i worked with to hold onto (didn't want to do anything stupid). So this other kid who was throwing the party, drunk as f**k, steals my keys from the kid i gave them to and decides to go get his girlfriend 20 miles away. As he gets onto the highway, a cop that i know spots him and pulls him over. When he asks him who he was, he said he was me, and the cop says "no you're not". Let's say he enjoyed the night in jail for DWI. So my other friends hear this on the scanner and come to the party to tell me about this. I cried like a bitch. Then another drunk kid backs into one of the kid's cars who showed up to tell me, and the cops show up and I go back inside and hide and fall asleep. Not the best weekend i've ever had. And I had to pay to get my Jeep out of impound!