you can't go wrong with Monty Python....funniest stuff - ever.

Woman 1: Wot's on the telly?

Woman 2:It looks like a penguin.

Woman 1: A penguin?  Where did it come from?

Woman 2: Maybe it escaped from the zoo.

Woman 1: No.  If it came frmo the zoo it would have "Property of the zoo" stamped on it.

Announcer: It is now six o'clock and time for the penguin on your television to explode.

BOOM!

Woman 1: Well, I didn't know that was goin' to 'appen.


(As best I can recall.  The 70s were a long time ago. )

Life of Brian




My father was a centurion.


What was your fathers name, Jew?

Nautius Maximus!     (guards burst out laughing)


Why is that funny?  

Well its a joke sir...a joke name...like sick-a-saurus or Biggus Dickus, sir...


Biggus Dickus???  I have a very good friend in Rome named Biggus Dickus!  (guards laughing)

Silence!  What is this insolence?  I will not have the common soldiery mock my friends.....



Anyone else care for a little tittle when I say the name Biggusssss  Dickus???



He has a wife you know?   Do you know what her name is?    

Incontinentia.....


Incontinentia Buttocks!   (guards burst out laughing)


Brian escapes.....


www.ifilm.com/WMPPlaylist.asx?l=1642167902&ifilmId=2635508&bandwidth=300

Quoted: It's just a model.....

Shhhh!

"It says AHHHHHHH. Just AHHHHH"

"Perhaps he died while writing it"

[from behind] "Perhaps he was dictating!"

Quoted: "JESUS CHRIST!!! RUNAWAY!!!" "

That whole rabbit skit makes me laugh!

Quoted: Life of Brian My father was a centurion. What was your fathers name, Jew? Nautius Maximus!     (guards burst out laughing) Why is that funny?   Well its a joke sir...a joke name...like sick-a-saurus or Biggus Dickus, sir... Biggus Dickus???  I have a very good friend in Rome named Biggus Dickus!  (guards laughing) Silence!  What is this insolence?  I will not have the common soldiery mock my friends..... uashome.alaska.edu/~jndfg20/website/pilatebrian.jpg Anyone else care for a little tittle when I say the name Biggusssss  Dickus??? He has a wife you know?   Do you know what her name is?     Incontinentia..... Incontinentia Buttocks!   (guards burst out laughing) Brian escapes..... www.ifilm.com/WMPPlaylist.asx?l=1642167902&ifilmId=2635508&bandwidth=300

+1,000,000  That scene is the absolute funniest bit every filmed.  I've nearly pissed my pants rewinding that over and over again.  

What's this?

A liver donor's card.

Need we say more?

MAN Michael Palin
RECEPTIONIST Rita Davies
MR. BARNARD Graham Chapman
MR. VIBRATING John Cleese
COMPLAINER Eric Idle
SPREADERS Terry Jones

Man: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.

Receptionist: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?

Man: No, I haven't, this is my first time.

Receptionist: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?

Man: Well, what is the cost?

Receptionist: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.

Man: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.

Receptionist: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.

(Pause)

Receptionist: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ah yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.

Man: Thank you.

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)

Mr Barnard: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Man: Well, I was told outside that...

Mr Barnard: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!

Man: What?

Mr Barnard: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous, pervert!!!

Man: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!

Mr Barnard: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.

Man: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.

Mr Barnard: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.

Man: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.

Mr Barnard: Not at all.

Man: Thank You. (Under his breath) Stupid git!!

(Walk down the corridor)

Man: (Knock)

Mr Vibrating: Come in.

Man: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?

Mr Vibrating: I told you once.

Man: No you haven't.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I have.

Man: When?

Mr Vibrating: Just now.

Man: No you didn't.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.

Man: You didn't

Mr Vibrating: I did!

Man: You didn't!

Mr Vibrating: I'm telling you I did!

Man: You did not!!

Mr Vibrating: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?

Man: Oh, just the five minutes.

Mr Vibrating: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.

Man: You most certainly did not.

Mr Vibrating: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.

Man: No you did not.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.

Man: No you didn't.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.

Man: No you didn't.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.

Man: No you didn't.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.

Man: You didn't.

Mr Vibrating: Did.

Man: Oh look, this isn't an argument.

Mr Vibrating: Yes it is.

Man: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.

Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.

Man: It is!

Mr Vibrating: It is not.

Man: Look, you just contradicted me.

Mr Vibrating: I did not.

Man: Oh you did!!

Mr Vibrating: No, no, no.

Man: You did just then.

Mr Vibrating: Nonsense!

Man: Oh, this is futile!

Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.

Man: I came here for a good argument.

Mr Vibrating: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.

Man: An argument isn't just contradiction.

Mr Vibrating: It can be.

Man: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.

Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.

Man: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.

Mr Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.

Man: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'

Mr Vibrating: Yes it is!

Man: No it isn't!

Man: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.

(short pause)

Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.

Man: It is.

Mr Vibrating: Not at all.

Man: Now look.

Mr Vibrating: (Rings bell) Good Morning.

Man: What?

Mr Vibrating: That's it. Good morning.

Man: I was just getting interested.

Mr Vibrating: Sorry, the five minutes is up.

Man: That was never five minutes!

Mr Vibrating: I'm afraid it was.

Man: It wasn't.

(Pause)

Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.

Man: What?!

Mr Vibrating: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.

Man: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!

Mr Vibrating: (Hums)

Man: Look, this is ridiculous.

Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!

Man: Oh, all right.

(pays money)

Mr Vibrating: Thank you. (short pause)

Man: Well?

Mr Vibrating: Well what?

Man: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.

Mr Vibrating: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.

Man: I just paid!

Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.

Man: I DID!

Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.

Man: Look, I don't want to argue about that.

Mr Vibrating: Well, you didn't pay.

Man: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!

Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.

Man: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.

Mr Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.

Man: Oh I've had enough of this.

Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.

Man: Oh Shut up.

(Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)

Man: I want to complain.

Complainer: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.

Man: No, I want to complain about...

Complainer: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.

Man: Oh!

Complainer: Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.

(Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)

Man: Hello, I want to... Ooooh!

Spreaders: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.

Man: uuuwwhh!!

Spreaders: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.

Man: No.

Spreaders: Now..

Man: Waaaaah!!!

Spreaders: Good, Good! That's it.

Man: Stop hitting me!!

Spreaders: What?

Man: Stop hitting me!!

Spreaders: Stop hitting you?

Man: Yes!

Spreaders: Why did you come in here then?

Man: I wanted to complain.

Spreaders: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.

Man: What a stupid concept.

Lumberjack Song.  When Eric Idle did his show, "Eric Idle Rips Off Monty Python," by show's end, we were screaming for the Lumberjack Song.  He and his crew obliged and it was the finale.

There are so many but my favorite is when they sing "Always look on the bright side of life" in the Life of Bryan. That song still makes me happy and can turn a crappy mood around if you sing it to yourself.

Here it is if you find yourself in need of a pick up:

Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad,
Other things just make you swear and curse,
When you're chewing life's gristle,
Don't grumble,
Give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best.
And...

Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistle]
Always look on the light side of life.
[whistle]

If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle.
That's the thing.
And...

Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistle]
Always look on the right side of life,
[whistle]

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin.
Give the audience a grin.
Enjoy it. It's your last chance, anyhow.
So,...

Always look on the bright side of death,
[whistle]
Just before you draw your terminal breath.
[whistle]

Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke it's true.
You'll see it's all a show.
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And...

Always look on the bright side of life.
Always look on the right side of life.
[whistle]

Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]

All of my favorites have been posted...


When life seems jolly rotten then theres something you've forgotten...


now I have to go get my MP dvd's out  

Black Knight: :It's mearly a flesh wound"

The french taunting by far!! Quote any insult from it randomly in public and watch the reaction.

"I fart in your general direction"

"I blow my nose at you"

"I wave my private parts at your aunties"

"your mother was a hampster, and your father smells of elderberries"

Now go away or I will taunt you for a second time so called Aurthur king.  

SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM
WONDERFUL SPAM! WONDERFUL SPAM!

Edit-3 pages and NO ONE MENTIONED THE SPAM SKIT?

Scene:  A cafe.  One table is occupied by a group of Vikings wearing horned helmets.  Whenever the word "spam" is repeated, they begin singing and/or chanting.  A man and his wife enter.  The man is played by Eric Idle, the wife is played by Graham Chapman (in drag), and the waitress is played by Terry Jones, also in drag.
Man: You sit here, dear.
Wife: All right.
Man: Morning!
Waitress: Morning!
Man: Well, what've you got?
Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam...
Waitress: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...
Vikings: Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!
Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
Wife: Have you got anything without spam?
Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.
Wife: I don't want ANY spam!
Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?
Wife: THAT'S got spam in it!
Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam... (Crescendo through next few lines...)
Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?
Waitress: Urgghh!
Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.
Wife: I don't like spam!
Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam!
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.
Man: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?
Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words)
Vikings: (Singing elaborately...) Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam spam spam!

Oh and the matresses skit is funny too!
he sketch:

     Husband: Hello, my wife and I would like to buy a bed, please.

     Mr Lambert: Certainly sir, I'll get someone to help you.

     Wife: Thank you.

     Mr Lambert: Mr Verity!

     Mr Verity: Can I help you, sir?

     Husband: Yes, we'd like a bed, a double bed, and I wondered if you'd got one for about fifty pounds.

     Mr Verity: Oh no, I'm afraid not, sir. Our cheapest bed is eight hundred pounds, sir.

     Husband & Wife: Eight hundred pounds?

     Mr Lambert: Excuse me, sir, but before I go, I ought to have told you that Mr Verity does tend to exaggerate. Every figure he gives you will be ten times too high.

     Husband: I see.

     Mr Lambert: Otherwise he's perfectly all right.

     Husband: I see. Er... your cheapest double bed then is eighty pounds?

     Mr Verity: Eight hundred pounds, yes, sir.

     Husband: I see. And how wide is it?

     Mr Verity: It's sixty feet wide.

     Husband: Yes...

     Wife: (whispers) Sixty feet!

     Husband: (whispers) Six foot wide, you see.

     Wife: (whispers) Oh.

     Husband: ...and the length?

     Mr Verity: The length is ... er ... just a moment. Mr Lambert, what is the length of the Comfidown Majorette?

     Mr Lambert: Ah. Two foot long.

     Husband: Two foot long?

     Mr Verity: Yes, remembering of course that you have to multiply everything Mr Lambert says by three. It's nothing he can help, you understand. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.

     Husband: I see, I'm sorry.

     Mr Verity: But it does mean that when he says a bed is two foot long, it is in fact sixty foot long, all right?

     Husband: Yes, I see.

     Mr Verity: That's without the mattress, of course.

     Husband: How much is that?

     Mr Verity: Er, Mr Lambert will be able to tell you that. Lambert! Could you show these twenty good people the dog kennels, please?

     Husband: Dog kennels? No, no, the mattresses!

     Mr Verity: I'm sorry, you have to say 'dog kennel' to Mr Lambert, because if you say 'mattress' he puts a bucket* over his head. I should have explained. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.

     Husband: Oh. Ah. I see. Er, excuse me, could you show us the dog kennels, please, hm?

     Mr Lambert: Dog kennels?

     Husband: Yes, we want to look at the dog kennels, hm.

     Mr Lambert: Ah yes, well that's the pets' department, second floor.

     Husband: No, no, no, we want to see the DOG KENNELS.

     Lambert: (irritated) Yes, second floor.

     Husband: No, we don't want to see dog kennels, it's just that Mr Verity said that...

     Mr Lambert: Oh dear, what's he been telling you now?

     Husband: Well, he said we should say 'dog kennels' instead of saying 'mattresses'.

     (Lambert puts bucket on his head) Husband: Oh dear. Hello? Hello? Hello?

     Mr Verity: (approaching) Did you say 'mattress'?

     Husband: Well, yes, er...

     Mr Lambert: (muffled) I'm not coming out!

     Mr Verity: I did *ask* you not to say 'mattress', didn't I?

     Husband: But I mean, er...

     Mr Lambert: (muffled) I'm not!

     Husband: Oh.

     Mr Verity: Now I've got to get him to the fish tank and sing.

     Husband: Oh.

     Mr Verity: (sings) And did those feet, in ancient time...

     Manager: (walking up, hearing the singing) Oh dear, did somebody say mattress to Mr Lambert?

     Husband: Yes, I did.

     (Manager gives nasty look at Husband)

     Mr Verity: (still singing) ...walk upon England's mountains green... (Manager joins in) ...and was the Holy Lamb of God...

     (Lambert removes bucket; Verity and Assistant immediately stop singing; Manager leaves.)

     Mr Verity: He should be all right now, but don't...you know...*don't*!

     Husband: No, no. (to Lambert) Excuse me, could we see the dog kennels please?

     Lambert: (irritated) Yes, pets department, second floor.

     Husband: No, no, no. Those dog kennels, like that. You see?

     Mr Lambert: Mattresses?

     Husband: (relieved) Yes.

     Mr Lambert: But if you want a mattress, why not say 'mattress'?

     Husband: (nervously) Ha ha, I mean...

     Mr Lambert: I mean, it's a little confusing for me when you say 'dog kennel' if you want a mattress. Why not just say 'mattress'?

     Husband: But you put a bucket over your head last time we said 'mattress'.

     (Lambert puts the bucket over his head again)

     Mr Verity: (running on the scene again) Oh dear! (stands in box and sings) And did those feet...

     Manager: (to Husband) We *did* ask!

     (Manager & Mr Verity sing together) ...in ancient times, walk upon England's mountains green...

     (singing continues throughout the next few lines of dialogue)

     Assistant: (running in) Did somebody say 'mattress' to Mr Lambert?

     (Manager points angrily towards the Husband and Wife)

     Mr Verity: *Twice*!

     Assistant: (shouting throughout the store) Hey, everybody! Somebody said 'mattress' to Mr Lambert -- *twice*! (joins in the singing)

     (Organ music swells and they carry on singing)

     Mr Verity: It's not working, we need more!

     (The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir begins to sing in the background. Sounds of water splashing; eventually Lambert removes the bucket again and they stop singing)

     Mr Lambert: I'm sorry, can I help you?

     Wife: (brightly) We want a mattress!

     (Lambert puts the bucket over his head again. Verity, husband and assistants all groan and glare accusingly at wife)

     Wife: But it's my only line!!!

...and NO POOFTAS!

INTERVIEWER: Good evening. I have with me in the studio tonight one of Britain's leading skin specialists - Raymond Luxury Yacht.
RAYMOND: That's not my name.
INTERVIEWER: I'm sorry - Raymond Luxury Yach - t.
RAYMOND: No, no, no - it's spelt Raymond Luxury Yach - t, but it's pronounced "Throatwobbler Mangrove".

Another good one:
UNDERTAKER: Morning.
MAN: Good morning.
UNDERTAKER: What can I do for you, squire?
MAN: Well, I wonder if you can help me. You see, my mother has just died.
UNDERTAKER: Ah well, we can help you. We deal with stiffs.
MAN: What?
UNDERTAKER: Well, there's three things we can do with your mum. We can bury her, burn her, or dump her.
MAN: (shocked) Dump her?
UNDERTAKER: Dump her in the Thames.
MAN: What?
UNDERTAKER: Oh, did you like her?
MAN: Yes!
UNDERTAKER: oh well, we won't dump her then. Well, what do you think? We can bury her or burn her.
MAN: Well, which do you recommend?
UNDERTAKER: Well, they're both nasty. If we burn her she gets stuffed in the flames... crackle crackle crackle... which is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead, but quick. And then we give you a handful of ashes, which you can pretend were hers.
MAN: Oh.
UNDERTAKER: Or if we bury her, she gets eaten up by lots of weevils and nasty maggots, which as I said before is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead.
MAN: I see. Well, she's definitely dead.
UNDERTAKER: Where is she?
MAN: She's in this sack.
UNDERTAKER: Can I have a look? She looks quite young.
MAN: Yes, yes, she was.
UNDERTAKER (calling): Fred!
FRED'S VOICE: Yeah?
UNDERTAKER: I think we've got an eater.
MAN: What?!?
FRED (peeking head round the door): Right, I'll get the oven on.(goes off)
MAN: Er, excuse me, um.... are you suggesting eating my mother?
UNDERTAKER: Er... yeah, not raw. Cooked.
MAN: What?
UNDERTAKER: Yes, roasted with a few french fries, broccoli, horseradish sauce...
MAN: Well, I do feel a bit peckish.
UNDERTAKER: Great!
MAN: Can we have some parsnips?
UNDERTAKER (calling): Fred... get some parsnips.
MAN: I really don't think I should.
UNDERTAKER: Look, tell you what.... we'll eat her, if you feel a bit guilty about it after, we can dig a grave and you can throw up in it

"I fart in your general direction "........ "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries"

Top Notch, classic.

And not from the movies/TV but the live show

"There were 150 of us living in't shoe box in't middle of road"

"Cardboard box?  You were lucky"


Proud to have a copy of the screenplay of "The Life of Brian" signed by Michael Palin and Terry Jones.

Quoted: Im a lumberjack and Im ok...

''I LIKE SMAASHING BRICKS TOGETHA''!!!

it's only wafer thin!

Oh man!  How in the world has "Mr. Hilter" not made it on this list yet.  Wow, by far the greatest.
Good ol' Mr. Hilter, Bimmler, and Ron Vibbentrop...

Landlady: Ooh planning a little excursion are we Mr. Hilter?

Hilter: Ah yes, ve make a little hike for, for Bideford.

Johnson: Oh well, you'll want the A39 then...no, no, you've got the wrong map there, this is Stalingrad, you want the Ilfracombe and Barnstaple section.

...

Ron Vibbentrop: I'm sorry Mr. Johnson, he's a bit on edge. He hasn't slept since 1945.

Hilter: Shut your cake hole you Nazi!

Bimmler: Cool it Führer cat!

...

Interviewer: What do you think of Mr. Hilter's politics?

Yokel: I don't like the sound of these here boncentration bamps.

Pepperpot: Well, I gave him my baby to kiss and he bit it -- on the head!

Bimmler: (thinly disguised as yokel) Oh yes Britischer pals he is wunderbar...ful.

Gumby: I think he's got beautiful legs!

...

That skit is genius.

The Battle of Trafalgar with the Gumby's is dang good too.

Newscaster:  Tonight we examine popular views of this great battle.  Was the Battle of Trafalgar fought on the sea of Southern Spain, or was it fought on dry land, near Yorkshire?  Here's one man who thinks it was.

Newscaster:  What makes you think the Battle of Trafalgar was fought near Yorkshire?

Professor R.J. Gumby:  Because ... Drake ... was ... too ... clever for... the German ... fleet.

Newscaster:  Mr. Gumby's remarkable views have sparked off a wave of controversy amongst his fellow historians.

Haha, there's plenty more, but those ones are quite the man.

But look at the boness..

Quoted: ...and NO POOFTAS!

Pull back to reveal the knee belongs to First Bruce, an Australian in full Australian outback gear. We briefly hear a record of 'Waltzing Mathilda'. He is sitting in a very hot, slightly dusty room with low wicker chairs, a table in the middle, big centre fan, and old fridge.

Second Bruce: Goodday, Bruce!

First Bruce: Oh, Hello Bruce!

Third Bruce: How are yer Bruce?

First Bruce: Bit crook, Bruce.

Second Bruce: Where's Bruce?

First Bruce: He's not here, Bruce.

Third Bruce: Blimey, s'hot in here, Bruce.

First Bruce: S'hot enough to boil a monkey's bum!

Second Bruce: That's a strange expression, Bruce.

First Bruce: Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. S'hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in 'ere, your Majesty,' he said and she smiled quietly to herself.

Third Bruce: She's a good Sheila, Bruce and not at all stuck up.

Second Bruce: Ah, here comes the Bossfella now! - how are you, Bruce?

Enter fourth Bruce with English person, Michael

Fourth Bruce: Goodday, Bruce, Hello Bruce, how are you, Bruce? Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce a chap from pommie land... who'll be joining us this year here in the Philosophy Department of the University of Woolamaloo.

All: Goodday.

Fourth Bruce: Michael Baldwin - this is Bruce. Michael Baldwin - this is Bruce. Michael Baldwin - this is Bruce.

First Bruce: Is your name not Bruce, then?

Michael: No, it's Michael.

Second Bruce: That's going to cause a little confusion.

Third Bruce: Mind if we call you 'Bruce' to keep it clear?

Fourth Bruce: Well, Gentlemen, I think we'd better start the meeting. Before we start, though, I'll ask the padre for a prayer.

First Bruce snaps a plastic dog-collar round his neck. They all lower their heads.

First Bruce: Oh Lord, we beseech thee, have mercy on our faculty, Amen!!

All: Amen!

Fourth Bruce: Crack the tubes, right! (Third Bruce starts opening beer cans) Er, Bruce, I now call upon you to welcome Mr. Baldwin to the Philosophy Department.

Second Bruce: I'd like to welcome the pommy bastard to God's own earth, and I'd like to remind him that we don't like stuck-up sticky-beaks here.

All: Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce!

Fourth Bruce: Now, Bruce teaches classical philosophy, Bruce teaches Haegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism, and is also in charge of the sheep-dip.

Third Bruce: What's does new Bruce teach?

Fourth Bruce: New Bruce will be teaching political science - Machiavelli, Bentham, Locke, Hobbes, Sutcliffe, Bradman, Lindwall, Miller, Hassett, and Benet.

Second Bruce: Those are cricketers, Bruce!

Fourth Bruce: Oh, spit!

Third Bruce: Howls of derisive laughter, Bruce!

Fourth Bruce: In addition, as he's going to be teaching politics, I've told him he's welcome to teach any of the great socialist thinkers, provided he makes it clear that they were wrong.

They all stand up.

All: Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you. Amen!

They sit down.

Fourth Bruce: Any questions?

Second Bruce: New Bruce - are you a pooftah?

Fourth Bruce: Are you a pooftah?

Michael: No!

Fourth Bruce: No right, well gentlemen, I'll just remind you of the faculty rules: Rule one - no pooftahs. Rule two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way whatsoever - if there's anybody watching. Rule three - no pooftahs. Rule four - I don't want to catch anyone not drinking in their room after lights out. Rule five - no pooftahs. Rule six - there is no rule six! Rule seven - no pooftahs. That concludes the reading of the rules, Bruce.

First Bruce: This here's the wattle - the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a bottle or you can hold it in your hand.

All: Amen!

Fourth Bruce: Gentlemen, at six o'clock I want every man-Bruce of you in the Sydney Harbor Bridge room to take a glass of sherry with the flying philosopher, Bruce, and I call upon you, padre, to close the meeting with a prayer.

First Bruce: Oh Lord, we beseech thee etc. etc. etc., Amen.

All: Amen!

First Bruce: Right, let's get some Sheilas.

An Aborigine servant bursts in with an enormous tray full of enormous steaks.

Fourth Bruce: OK.

Second Bruce: Ah, elevenses.

Third Bruce: This should tide us over 'til lunchtime.

Second Bruce: Reckon so, Bruce.

First Bruce: Sydney Nolan! What's that! (points)

Cut to dramatic close-up of Fourth Bruce's ear. Hold close-up

Right!  How to defend yourself from fresh fruit!

tag and the biograpphy of monty python is on clearance at barnes and chernoble....

"The Lumberjack Song" followed close by the "Spanish Inquisition"

Tracts of land

Quoted: tag and the biograpphy of monty python is on clearance at barnes and chernoble....

Oh and no hot link....

Its only a flesh wound

Quoted: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!! www.geocities.com/zatapatiqueflysheep/nobody.jpg Our chief weapon is suprise...

Bring out the Soft Compfy chair!.

What about Twit of the year! That one made me laugh so hard. The winner runs himself over!

Quoted: it's only wafer thin!

"How are we today sir?"
"Better"
"Better sir?"
"Better get a bucket, I'm going to throw up."

I love the Mr. Creosote scene. At the theater most of the audience got up and left when this came on.

Knights of Ni and fleshwound.  By far two of my favorites.

Come back you coward and I'll bite you in the kneecaps!!

Quoted: Quoted: Sometimes it wasn't the huge bits they did that got me... It would be the smaller things - like the duel the two guys dressed as military officers had on the end of a pier. One was dancing in front of the other slapping him with two small fish. Then the other one pulls like this huge halibut out and slams him into the water... The Fish Slapping Dance..

+1

also the Dead Parrot Skit

Quoted: Quoted: it's only wafer thin! "How are we today sir?" "Better" "Better sir?" "Better get a bucket, I'm going to throw up." I love the Mr. Creosote scene. At the theater most of the audience got up and left when this came on.

"And don't skimp on the pat-TAY!"

Quoted: Quoted: ...and NO POOFTAS! Pull back to reveal the knee belongs to First Bruce, an Australian in full Australian outback gear. We briefly hear a record of 'Waltzing Mathilda'. He is sitting in a very hot, slightly dusty room with low wicker chairs, a table in the middle, big centre fan, and old fridge. Second Bruce: Goodday, Bruce! First Bruce: Oh, Hello Bruce! Third Bruce: How are yer Bruce? First Bruce: Bit crook, Bruce. Second Bruce: Where's Bruce? First Bruce: He's not here, Bruce. Third Bruce: Blimey, s'hot in here, Bruce. First Bruce: S'hot enough to boil a monkey's bum! Second Bruce: That's a strange expression, Bruce. First Bruce: Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. S'hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in 'ere, your Majesty,' he said and she smiled quietly to herself. Third Bruce: She's a good Sheila, Bruce and not at all stuck up. Second Bruce: Ah, here comes the Bossfella now! - how are you, Bruce? Enter fourth Bruce with English person, Michael Fourth Bruce: Goodday, Bruce, Hello Bruce, how are you, Bruce? Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce a chap from pommie land... who'll be joining us this year here in the Philosophy Department of the University of Woolamaloo. (snip)

Followed by the PHILOSOPHERS' SONG!
..............................................................


I......mmanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.

David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel.

There's nothing Nietzche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.

Plato, they say, could stick it away--
Half a crate of whisky every day.

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle.
Hobbes was fond of his dram,

And René Descartes was a drunken fart.
'I drink, therefore I am.'

Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he's pissed.



Sing along, kids!

The Olympic Hide and Seek Final



Comentator: Hello, good afternoon and welcome to the second leg of the Olympic final of the men's Hide-and-Seek here in the heart of Britain's London. We'll be surfing in just a couple of moments from now, and there you can see the two competitors Francisco Huron the Paraguayan, who in this leg is the seeker (we see Francisco Huron darting about, looking behind things) and there's the man he'll be looking for ... (we see Don Roberts practicing hiding) our own Don Roberts from Hinckley in Leicestershire who, his trainer tells me, is at the height of his self-secreting form. And now in the first leg, which ended on Wednesday, Don succeeded in finding the Paraguayan in the new world record time of 11 years, 2 months, 26 days, 9 hours, 3 minutes, 27.4 seconds, in a sweetshop in Kilmarnock. And now they're under starter's orders.

(We see Don Roberts and Francisco Huron standing side by side, poised, looking nervous.)

Starter: (voice over) On your marks... get set...

The starter fires his pistol. Francisco Huron immediately puts his hands over eyes and starts counting.)

Francisco: Uno, dos, tres, quattro, cinque, seis, siete, ocho, nueve, diez ...

(Meanwhile Don Roberts hails a cab. He gets in and it drives off)

Francisco: ... trientay dos, trientay tres, trientay quattro...

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: '32, 33, 34'

Commentator: Well Don off to a really great start there. Remember the Paraguayan has got l1 years, 2 months, 26 days, 9 hours... (cut to taxi on the way to London airport) 3 minutes, 27.4 seconds to beat.

(Cut back to Frandsco still counting.)

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: '998, 999, 1000'

Francisco: Neuvecian no nuevetay ocho, nuevecientas nuevente ye nueve, mil. (Francisco takes his hands from his eyes and shouts) Coming!

(He starts looking around the immediate locality suspiciously. We see a plane landing. There is a sign saying 'Benvenuto a Sardinia'. Cut to Don on a bicycle. Then running up a hill. Then going into castle. Running along corridors and eventually pausing, looking around agitatedly, and then hiding behind a pillar. Occasionally he looks out nervously. Then cut to Francisco looking in shops in the Tottenham Court Road. Cut to studio 'Sportsview' desk with a Frank Bough man at it.)

Frank Bough: Well, we'll be taking you back there as soon as there are any developments.

CAPTION: 'SIX YEARS LATER'

(Cut back to desk. Frank Bough looks older.)

Frank Bough: We've just heard that something is happening in the Hide-and-Seek final, so let's go straight over there.

(Cut to film of Francisco Huron. He is wandering around looking for Don. Roberts in a beach setting. The commentator is some way from him. He speaks quietly into a microphone.)

Comentator: Hello again, and welcome to Madagascar, where Francisco Huron is seeking Don Roberts. And I've just been told that he has been told that he has been unofficially described as 'cold'. Ah, wait a minute. (in the distance Francisco Huron consults with an official; the commentator moves out of shot briefly, then returns) I've just been told that Huron has requested a plane ticket for Budapest! So he's definitely getting warmer. So we'll be back again in just a few years.

(Cut to Frank Bough looking older. He is covered with cobwebs.)

Frank Bough: Really beginning to hot up now.

CAPTION: 'FIVE YEARS, TWO MONTHS AND TWENTY-SIX DAYS LATER'

(Cut to a Portuguese-looking setting. Francisco Huron looking round desperately and glancing at his watch.)

Commentator: So here we are on the very last day of this fantastic final. Huron now has less than twelve hours left to find British ace Don Roberts. Early this morning he finished combing the outskirts of Lisbon and now he seems to have staked everything on one final desperate seek here in the Tagus valley. But Roberts is over fifteen hundred miles away, and it's beginning to look all over, bar the shouting. The sands of time are running out for this delving dago, this sefior of seek, perspicacious Paraguayan. He's still desperately cold and it's beginning to look like another gold for Britain.

(The camera shows Huron creeping up on a dustbin. He pauses, snatches off the lid and looks inside. He turns away disappointed then does double take and looks back into the bin. He pulls out a sardine tin with the word 'Sardines' very obvious. Shot of Huron's reaction as he suddenly gets a tremendous idea. He snaps his fingers and hails a taxi and gets in. Cut to plane landing. Same sign as before 'Benvenuto a Sardinia'. Francisco cycles past. Cut to him discarding the bike and running up the hill straight into the castle. He runs along corridors into the right room, up to the pillar and finds Don Roberrs sulking behind. They both look very tense as they await the official result, then react in fury and frustration when it is announced by a blazered offical.)

Official: The official result of the World Hide-and-Seek, Mr Don Roberrs from Hinckley, Leicestershire, 11 years, 2 months, 26 days, 9 hours, 3 minutes, 27 seconds. Mr Francisco Huron, Paraguay, 11 years, a months, 26 days, 9 hours, 3 minutes, 27 seconds. The result - a tie.

Voice Over: A tie! Well what a fantastic result. Well the replay will start tomorrow at 7.30 a.m.

(As they stand there the camera pans off them to a window and then zooms through the window to reveal a beach where there is a Redcoat.)

The first Monty Python skit I ever saw was a very brief clip from the Salad Days sketch on a PBS station one time. I only saw it for a moment but I thought it was the most hilarious thing I had ever seen. It wasn't until many years later that I discovered that the brief sketch I saw was Monty Python. I had apparently been a fan for years without even knowing who they were. I just knew the outrageous sketch I saw had to be indicative of some good comedy and I searched madly for more from "those guys with all the blood!"

I was finally introduced many years later to Monty Python by an old girlfriend via Holy Grail and then a couple of records of some of their skits.

I vaguely remember a skit where they were RAF fighter pilots during WWII.  One of the lads comes in to alert the others to German aircraft approaching, but with all of the slang they used nobody could understand.

Quoted: I vaguely remember a skit where they were RAF fighter pilots during WWII.  One of the lads comes in to alert the others to German aircraft approaching, but with all of the slang they used nobody could understand.

The Banter Sketch from Monty Python's Flying Circus                                    ****

(Scene: a wartime RAF station)

Jones: Morning, Squadron Leader.
Idle:  What-ho, Squiffy.
Jones: How was it?
Idle:  Top-hole.  Bally Jerry, pranged his kite right in the how's-your-father;
      hairy blighter, dicky-birded, feathered back on his sammy, took a waspy,
      flipped over on his Betty Harpers and caught his can in the Bertie.
Jones: Er, I'm afraid I don't quite follow you, Squadron Leader.
Idle:  It's perfectly ordinary banter, Squiffy.  Bally Jerry, pranged his kite
      right in the how's-your-father; hairy blighter, dicky-birded, feathered
      back on his sammy, took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harpers and
      caught his can in the Bertie.
Jones: No, I'm just not understanding banter at all well today.  Give us it
      slower.
Idle:  Banter's not the same if you say it slower, Squiffy.
Jones: Hold on then -- Wingco!  -- just bend an ear to the Squadron Leader's
      banter for a sec, would you?
Chapman: Can do.
Jones:   Jolly good. Fire away.
Idle:    Bally Jerry... (he goes through it all again)
Chapman: No, I don't understand that banter at all.
Idle:    Something up with my banter, chaps?

GRAMS: AIR RAID SIRENS
(Enter Palin, out of breath)

Palin:  Bunch of monkeys on the ceiling, sir!  Grab your egg-and-fours and
       let's get the bacon delivered!
Chapman (to Idle): Do *you* understand that?
Idle:    No -- I didn't get a word of it.
Chapman: Sorry, old man, we don't understand your banter.
Palin:   You know -- bally tenpenny ones dropping in the custard!
(no reaction)
Palin:   Um -- Charlie choppers chucking a handful!
Chapman: No no -- sorry.
Jones:   Say it slower, old chap.
Palin:   Slower *banter*, sir?
Chapman: Ra-ther.
Palin:   Um -- sausage squad up the blue end?
Idle:    No, still don't get it.
Palin:   Um -- cabbage crates coming over the briny?
The others: No, no.

(Film of air-raid)

Idle (voice-over):  But by then it was too late.  The first cabbage crates hit
London on July the 7th.  That was just the beginning.

(Chapman seen sitting at desk, on telephone)

Chapman: Five shillings a dozen?  That's ordinary cabbages, is it?  And what
        about the bombs?...  Good Lord, they _are_ expensive.

I remember another skit they did....they were all walking on the grass in some park, when they would bump into each other, their limbs would fall off and blood would be squirting all over the place....very bizarre...but funny....its one of those skits where you say..."Oh no, not this one!" [snicker]


and then the dancing soldiers....

"Everybody look, 'arry's bein' eatin"



"Oh shit, its mr creosote!"

Quoted: I remember another skit they did....they were all walking on the grass in some park, when they would bump into each other, their limbs would fall off and blood would be squirting all over the place....very bizarre...but funny....its one of those skits where you say..."Oh no, not this one!" [snicker]

As I recall it was a very proper garden party, everybody dressed in white.

This guy steps up with a racket and ball and asks, "Tennis anyone?"

He gives the ball a gentle toos, hitting another man in the forehead.  The victim puts his hand on his head and... blood squirts from his noggin.

A woman screams and faints.  As she's going down she grabs the arm of the man next to her, pulling it off.

Blood is spraying from his shoulder as he stumbles about, bumping into a piano.

The cover drops over the keyboard and the pianist holds up two stumps spouting blood.




The stuff memories are made of!

Excellent comedic use of blood.

The Black Knight always triumphs!

Fuck off, I'm full...

Quoted: I remember another skit they did....they were all walking on the grass in some park, when they would bump into each other, their limbs would fall off and blood would be squirting all over the place....very bizarre...but funny....its one of those skits where you say..."Oh no, not this one!" [snicker]

It is called "Salad Days".

It was the first Monty Python I ever saw....

Quoted: Fuck off, I'm full...

But it's only waffer thin!

FATHER:One day, lad, all this will be yours!

PRINCE HERBERT: What, the curtains?

FATHER: No. Not the curtains, lad. All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad.

FATHER: Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands.

Quoted: FATHER:One day, lad, all this will be yours! PRINCE HERBERT: What, the curtains? FATHER: No. Not the curtains, lad. All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad. FATHER: Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands.

You don't like her!?!?!?!

She's rich, she's beautiful, she's got HUGE.........................................................................tracts of land!!!