a couple guys at subguns.com listed a bunch of other funny ones awhile back....this is a great list, we've all seen most of these folks!

here's the "original" list that went around the Net a few years ago:

A Field Guide to Gun Shows

now you dont forget this guy...
"NAME WITHHELD"
500+ lbs with a tac vest on with lots of fake ribbons/stars/bars who is on the friggin hum-around wheel chair thing going like 1mph in the middle of the aisle.  All the while stuffing his face full of whatever kinda burger/hotdog he can get his hands on...

We don't get the kettle corn people in Colorado.

But we do get "A Slice of Heaven" which is cute girls peddling knives in crop tops.
I look but I haven't bought so far.

And I know people pick on gun shows but I like to go to them every few months. Sometimes I find some really neat stuff I never knew I needed.

this one's a classic, originally by Brian in Oregon @ subguns.com:

Typical gun show: Arrive early. Usually a short wait to get in. For parking that is. Overpriced parking that costs more than show admission. Gunshow is usually held at the same time the Women's Knitting Society Doll Show is held, and they open earlier, so all the good parking is snapped up. Oh well, I suppose no one in Oregon has any right to complain about walking in the rain. Now we've got the line to get in. Let's see, there are three lines. Gee, this one is a bit shorter. Oops, why is it going so slow? Why the #### is everyone in MY line paying with loose change? Cripes, the other lines have cleared out twice over. Finally get to the booth. Oops, now it's shift change. At 9AM? Now for the line to get in. Everyone has to be checked for guns. No, I'm not carrying a gun. Thank goodness. The old geezer rent-a-cop is having trouble trying to figure out how to open someone's 30-30 action. OK, now we're cooking with gas. Literally. I have to run the gauntlet of BBQ grill dealers. Ah, a gun table. Looks interesting. Oops, spoke too soon. Someone must be kidding. These are parts guns and this guy wants 50% over MSRP? Move on. Here's a familiar sight. This old fella always has a table full of Winchester Model 71's. The same table full. Meaning he hasn't sold any for several years. I guess he's just displaying his collection and is tired of saying they aren't for sale, so he's resorted to putting astronomical prices on them to discourage sales. At least that's what I can figure out. Oh look, the Beanie Baby dealer has managed to move closer to the front door. Now I have to run the gaunlet of safe dealers who take your order but never deliver. My sister had to get the state attorney general involved to get her money back from one. Quickly move on. Make quick pit stop. Wish I had gone before I left home. The facilities are so filthy that I cannot describe them here. Wish I had used the safe of the ripoff dealer to relieve myself. Now I pass the snack bar. I could never figure out why it is located right next to the restrooms. People are standing in line for hotdogs that look like they've been cooking since the last gunshow. The smell of hotdogs and urinal mints must make some people hungry, I guess. Quickly move along. This guy seems to have quite a crowd around his gun parts. Wait to get close to table. Dang. It's all the pot metal 1911 bushings with built-in comp and bayonet lugs. Work my way out of the crowd and on to the next table. More Beanie Babies. Now a jerky and sausage vender. Ah, some real gun parts. Unfortunately none for any of the many gun projects I have. but it's good to know that if I ever get a Mondragon that this guy has cornered the market for firing pins. More beanie babies. Say, here's three tables with books. Let's see... "How To Turn Your 10-22 Into A Thousand Yard Assault Sniper Rifle". "How To Make A Fully Automatic 10-22 Assault Sniper Weapons System". "Converting Your 10-22 Into a Fully Automatic Thousand Yard Assault Sniper Weapon". Hmmm, I'm begining to see a pattern here. Move along. Ah, the mountain man muzzleloader dealer. This guy seems knowledgable, reasonably priced, has lots of inventory and accessories, and is friendly. Too bad I'm not into muzzleloaders. Here's a fellow I can't figure out. He is a collector. Yet he brings glass display counters. Six of them. Full of brand new guns with warranty. No 4473, cuz he ain't a dealer. He's a collector. Gee, wish I could be a collector and sell dozens of brand new guns still in the box from my collection each weekend. Next is the eight tables of guns from a local storefront dealer. They are selling like hotcakes. Can't be the price, because they are marked up even more than what they sell for in the store. After looking over the guns and hearing "You gunna buy or what?" from three different clerks, it begins to dawn on me that people are there for the abuse. Quickly move along. Here's a table dedicated to sniping. He sells sniper rifles, sniper scopes, sniper ammo, sniper clothes, sniper books, sniper bumper stickers, sniper posters, sniper conversion kits for 10-22's, sniper jacket pathes and how to snipe video tapes. Quite a crowd too. The seller is telling some youngsters about the brave and noble Waffen SS snipers who would hold their fire while old Russian women crossed the street with their babies. Made sour mental note that perhaps Waffen SS snipers might be a level above Lon Horiuchi. Stop at a little table with an interesting old pistol. Unfortunately, the seller is not there, but his sister's cousin's daughter's boy is, and he's watching the table. Have to come back later. Oh look, the magazine dealer. This old gentleman makes my visit worthwhile. His prices are pretty high, but it's amazing the magazines he comes up with. I need a magazine for a Walther P-38 in 22LR. By George, he's got one. New in wrapper. $60. Ouch. Buy it anyway. Have to make the parking and entrance fee seem worthwhile. Wish he'd sell out of his house, but no, only at gun shows. More Beanie Babies. Another magazine dealer. Let's see what he has. Lots and lots of bins of magazines for every imaginable military firearm since WWII. Uh oh, they are all USA magazines. And another book dealer. Let's see. "How To Turn Your 10-22 Into a...." QUICKLY move along. A pawn shop table. Cheap jewelry, watches and junk. Another sausage and jerky dealer. Alright! An old west firearms dealer. Rusted pre-war Win 1894 - $650. Rusted Iver Johnson topbreak 32 revolver with peeling nickel finish - $400. Halfway decent Colt SAA - note says it was owned by Jesse James. (sigh) Another parts dealer. Yep. Lots of parts alright. Too bad they all are either demilled by being torch cut or look like they've been salvaged from a sunken U-Boat. Here's an interesting table full of guns. Decent prices. Decent looking old guns. Hey, just what I'm looking for. Says the bore is good. Can you please snip the ty-wrap so I can inspect the bore? Why not? Oh, you aren't allowed to do that? Show management said so? How come all the other dealers do it? You won't sell to me because I'm a trouble maker? Surplus military clothing. Lots of it. Along with surplus moth holes. All at non-surplus prices. Table full of cheap toys made by slave labor in communist China. Oh boy, this looks interesting. Lots and lots of reloading equipment, much of it in older boxes. Might find some obsolete dies. Yep, just what I need. 25-35 and 32-40. I figure $20 each is fair. What? Do you know your price is double the new RCBS price? Take it or leave it? Leave it. A guy selling gun stocks. Do you have a stock for a pre-64 Model 94 Winchester? Looks around, slightly confused, then says his stocks fit all Winchester 94's. Sorry, but no, they don't, they are the same stock as the Win 1892. Well sonny, I've been in the stock biznuz for thutty yaars, and I oughta know. Familiar looking cast bullet dealer. Lots of nice looking bullets. Ask him the same question I ask at every gun show. Do you have soft cast 45-70 and 45 Colt bullets with either SPG lube or no lube? I see, only hard cast with lube so hard it might as well be plastic. Another gun dealer. Hmmm. Interesting Broomhandle Mauser. Say can I ***HEY MISTER YOU WANT TO SELL THAT SPRINGFIELD?*** look at your ***WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR THAT WINCHESTER?*** Broomhandle Maus- ***I HAVE A BAYONET TO FIT YOUR GARAND RIGHT HERE*** Give up and leave. He'd rather cast his line at fish going by than one nibbling on his hook. Another Beanie Baby dealer. A table with all sorts of old junk, none of it having anything to do with firearms, being manned by a kindly looking old lady. Politely smile and nod and move along. Table full of project guns. All torch cut in two. Yep, they'd be a project alright. Samuri sword dealer. Nazi collectibles dealer. Why are these guys always about 330 pounds, need a shave, have a tooth missing, wear plumber's butt jeans and wife beater t-shirts and have their hair slicked back? Oh, the 'DEATH TO ZOG' bumper sticker is a nice touch. Skip whole row. Demonstration row. Here's a guy with a hotplate and tea kettle showing how his goop fog proofs your eyeglasses. He's a guy showing how his vacuum cleaner can pick up a bowling ball (will keep that in mind when the bowling ball buildup on my carpets gets out of hand). Here's a guy selling a complete butcher shop kit. Bandsaw, huge sausage grinder, giant meat slicer, more knives than a Ginsu ad, everything to keep Jeffery Dahlmer happy. Here's a guy selling a meat blade that attaches to your chainsaw to cut up your deer. Must be for the high volume hunter. What else? A knife sharpener. Carpet shampoo. Car wash. Kit for making 800 lbs of jerky. At least walking this isle was better than going by the hotdog and urinal mint stench. More Beanie Babies. Table with lots of AR15's. And the obligatory old geezer spouting off to no one in particular, "By gum, that be them thar ay-salt wippins thet be gettin the rest of ouh gun rayhts taken away, yessir. No self ray-spectun sportsman would evah own one o dem. No sir. They need ta be banned." Notice at least he has a wide space around him. Maybe it's a plan to keep from being jostled by the crowd. T-Shirt vendor. Has t-shirts like "DEATH TO ZOG". Gee, this guy is about 330 pounds, needs a shave, has a tooth missing, wear's plumber's crack jeans and a wife beater t-shirt and has his hair slicked back. Shake head wondering if he's related to the Nazi collectibles dealer. This table is loaded with all the gun gimmicks of the last 30 years. Glow in the dark sight paint. Folding 10-22 Assault Sniper Weapon Stocks with Flash Hider and Built In Bayonet Lug and Oversized Tactical Safety and Magazine Release kit. Barrel heat shield for 10-22 (they get might hot after conversion to a thousand yard fully automatic assault sniper rifle, ya know). Ah, this is interesting. Why I don't know. A 150 round snail drum for a Charter Arms AR-7. At least when you're living off the land you won't have to reload all winter. Jerky and sausage dealer. Bikers selling Harley parts. Local pro-gun group who says they are raffling off a Winchester 338 Magnum rifle with a 3-9 scope. Raffle tickets are $10 each and go to defending gun rights. Ask them who won the last 338 rifle they were raffling off. Sorry, can't tell ya. Privacy and all that. Do you at least have a photo of the winner holding up his gun? Uneasy silence while they all look at each other with that "gee, maybe we'd have more credibility if we faked a photo like that." Guy with a few bins of gun parts and a HUGE-BY-LARGE sign that says I CARRY ALL GUN PARTS - JUST ASK!. Do you have a loading gate for an 1886 Winchester? No. Do you have a firing pin for an 1892 Winchester? No. Do you have an extractor for a Rem 788? No. (Hmmm, let's try an experiment.) Do you have a kit for converting a Ruger 10-22 into a thousand yard fully automatic assault sniper rifle? Yessir, sure do. Old woman at a table full of books. She weighs about 330 lbs, has a tooth missing, greasy hair and is selling books with titles like "DEATH TO ZOG". She vaguely resembles someone. Shake head and move on. Only a couple of tables to go. Getting hungry too. And need to make a pit stop. Figure I'll drive to the nearest McDonald's rather than risk the toilet mint aroma hot dogs and the filthy facilities. And what are the last two tables? Beanie Babies. And a guy who has REALLY figured out marketing. His table has jerky, 10-22 conversion books, rusty gun parts, old reloading dies, a few Nazi medals, and a rusted up top break Webley revolver, formerly owned by Jesse James. My contribution? Parking fee, entrance fee, bought one spendy magazine, headache from the toilet mint smell, and two black tire marks out of the parking lot.

Wow! Seem's like you've visited NY gun shows!

Where once upon a time they actually sold gun's you'd like to buy, now they have all the rest of that crap-MINUS THE GUNS!!!!

I think you forgot the guy selling pre-ban AR mags for $40-50 each... and tells you that you they're not making them anymore...

Or the guy that says there's no such thing as a midlength gas system, or handguards.

Or the guy that has miscellaneous AR parts, that look like a monkey fabricated them with a dremel and a soldering iron.

But wait...they could all be the same guy...

[qoute]
Burt: Burt sells "assault" rifles, semi-automatic handguns, and class III weaponry almost exclusively. He also has a stand of books and magazines such as the Army Field Manual FM21-76: Survival, Soldier of Fortune, How To Build a Nuclear Bunker, and Unintended Consequences. Unlike many of the people wandering the show clad in camo, Burt actually knows what he's talking about and can tell you the exact manufacturer, factory, and the day it was built of any gun you mention or show him, entirely by memory, and give you a detailed history of that particular model of firearm that would impress the historian at the Smithsonian's armory section. People tend to think of Burt as being psychotically paranoid, especially about the government, but you have to admit he's making more and more sense as time goes on. Most of Burt's customers either scare you or make you envious. [qoute/]

ITS BURT GUMMER! Thats what he does for a living, not any of this acting crap!

Ben

Quoted: [qoute] Burt: Burt sells "assault" rifles, semi-automatic handguns, and class III weaponry almost exclusively. He also has a stand of books and magazines such as the Army Field Manual FM21-76: Survival, Soldier of Fortune, How To Build a Nuclear Bunker, and Unintended Consequences. Unlike many of the people wandering the show clad in camo, Burt actually knows what he's talking about and can tell you the exact manufacturer, factory, and the day it was built of any gun you mention or show him, entirely by memory, and give you a detailed history of that particular model of firearm that would impress the historian at the Smithsonian's armory section. People tend to think of Burt as being psychotically paranoid, especially about the government, but you have to admit he's making more and more sense as time goes on. Most of Burt's customers either scare you or make you envious. [qoute/] ITS BURT GUMMER! Thats what he does for a living, not any of this acting crap! Ben

Wow, somebody got the reference. lol

Quoted: We don't get the kettle corn people in Colorado. But we do get "A Slice of Heaven" which is cute girls peddling knives in crop tops. I look but I haven't bought so far. And I know people pick on gun shows but I like to go to them every few months. Sometimes I find some really neat stuff I never knew I needed.

Ah, knife girl.  

That girl's pretty damn hot, and she knows it (unfortunately).  

Me:  Um, can I see that one.

Her:   [sticks booms out, blinks eyes alluringly]  Are you going to go for it, or are you just here to look

Me:   Mumble, mumble, mumble.

Quoted: Quoted: ....Jake: Jake is an asshole vendor who goes out of his way to piss off potential customers and rip them off. Jake is too stupid to realize when to back off and completely fails to understand that if you knock a guys cigar out of his mouth and assault him he WILL go Darth Vader on your ass. .....

 Funniest.  Thread.  Ever.

One of the first ones that had me literally, with my sides acheing.

That is every gun show I've gone to in my life!

Oh my god, tag.

Tag for later since I'm about to fall asleep on my keyboard.

Best. Thread. Ever. Practically every gun show I've been to, all in a nutshell. I go for the laughs.

Quoted: Quoted: [qoute] Burt: Burt sells "assault" rifles, semi-automatic handguns, and class III weaponry almost exclusively. He also has a stand of books and magazines such as the Army Field Manual FM21-76: Survival, Soldier of Fortune, How To Build a Nuclear Bunker, and Unintended Consequences. Unlike many of the people wandering the show clad in camo, Burt actually knows what he's talking about and can tell you the exact manufacturer, factory, and the day it was built of any gun you mention or show him, entirely by memory, and give you a detailed history of that particular model of firearm that would impress the historian at the Smithsonian's armory section. People tend to think of Burt as being psychotically paranoid, especially about the government, but you have to admit he's making more and more sense as time goes on. Most of Burt's customers either scare you or make you envious. [qoute/] ITS BURT GUMMER! Thats what he does for a living, not any of this acting crap! Ben Wow, somebody got the reference. lol

I assumed that was the reference.  I have always wanted a large poster with Burt Gummer giving you a thumbs up in his bunker and the caption "What Would Burt Do?"

But you know, "Burt" or someone at the "Burt table" never blinks if you as for a price on 80,000 rounds of surplus Hirtenberger 7.62x51, delivered ASAP, for cash.  It sure is nice not to have to argue.  Or explain.

This thread has cheered me up, tag for later in the day

-Storm

Quoted: Quoted: [qoute] Burt: Burt sells "assault" rifles, semi-automatic handguns, and class III weaponry almost exclusively. He also has a stand of books and magazines such as the Army Field Manual FM21-76: Survival, Soldier of Fortune, How To Build a Nuclear Bunker, and Unintended Consequences. Unlike many of the people wandering the show clad in camo, Burt actually knows what he's talking about and can tell you the exact manufacturer, factory, and the day it was built of any gun you mention or show him, entirely by memory, and give you a detailed history of that particular model of firearm that would impress the historian at the Smithsonian's armory section. People tend to think of Burt as being psychotically paranoid, especially about the government, but you have to admit he's making more and more sense as time goes on. Most of Burt's customers either scare you or make you envious. [qoute/] ITS BURT GUMMER! Thats what he does for a living, not any of this acting crap! Ben Wow, somebody got the reference. lol

How could I not? Burt gummer is THE premiere survivalist, gun guy, and everything that Feinstein tells you to fear, that guy has...

And I bet he makes good beef jerky too.

Ben

You forgot Rob.
Rob does not have a single gun or accessory, however he is handing out free issues of Shotgun News.  In fact he has an entire van full. Bubba will spend more time with Rob than any other table because, Rob works for the media and public relations is part of the job. Bubba doesn't know this, he only "knows" thinks that Rob is paying attention. Joe will stop by Rob's table several times hoping to leave a few guns for Rob to sell. Jerome will gravatate to Rob, thinking that because Rob is part of the media he can't possibly be into this "gun thing". Rob however just got finished with his turn on the Jungle Walk and is about ready to kick Jerome's ass. Rob leaves his table as soon as the free Shotgun News runs out because everybody that was going to "get one on the way out" is mad at him for not having anything free for them.

At a California gun show you will not have the opportunity to meet or do business with Clyde, Rick, Louis, George or Burt.

Quoted: now you dont forget this guy... "NAME WITHHELD" 500+ lbs with a tac vest on with lots of fake ribbons/stars/bars who is on the friggin hum-around wheel chair thing going like 1mph in the middle of the aisle.  All the while stuffing his face full of whatever kinda burger/hotdog he can get his hands on...

This guy, right?



EDIT: OMG, too funny.  Google brought up the michigan militia.  You've gotta see this gallery to believe it.
www.michiganmilitia.com/SMVM/members/frank/pics/pics.htm

And to think airsofters are made fun of around here from time to time.  

Quoted: Quoted: now you dont forget this guy... "NAME WITHHELD" 500+ lbs with a tac vest on with lots of fake ribbons/stars/bars who is on the friggin hum-around wheel chair thing going like 1mph in the middle of the aisle.  All the while stuffing his face full of whatever kinda burger/hotdog he can get his hands on... This guy, right? www.michiganmilitia.com/SMVM/members/frank/pics/FJ_50-2.jpg EDIT: OMG, too funny.  Google brought up the michigan militia.  You've gotta see this gallery to believe it. www.michiganmilitia.com/SMVM/members/frank/pics/pics.htm And to think airsofters are made fun of around here from time to time.

thats mean dude.

Bump to top for soon-to-be-added additions to the list.

Smitty: Smitty specializes in BB guns, paintball guns, and airsoft that try to look like the real thing. Smitty has BB-firing MAC-10's labeled as "UZI FULL-AUTO BB GUN USES REAL UZI PARTS!!!! SPECIAL PRICE $399 TODAY ONLY" and camo fatigues that might conceivably be able to blend in with something if you were trying to hide in a crate of bananas. Smitty's battery-operated full-auto airsoft AK-47 costs more than the real thing.

Ray: Ray is like Bubba, except ten years younger, slightly less overweight, and hangs out at Smitty's table for nearly the whole convention. Like Bubba, he makes up bullshit as he goes, but his fantasies consist almost entirely of the time he single-handedly slew the evil Iron Commandos from Chicago single-handedly while the rest of his squad cowered in fear behind him. Later, both the female members of the squad joined him for a threesome to properly thank him for saving them all from being hit with yellow plastic pellets.

Sarah: Sarah is everything a man could ever want in a woman and knows it. Using the power of her body, she entices each and every male passing the booth to stop for a look- and maybe take their eyes off her low-cut blouse long enough to hand her money for something, anything, that she happens to be selling. Sarah will rebuff every attempt to get her phone number while still remaining seductive.  Erney will have to forcibly remove Ray from the booth twice.

Wallace: Wallace sells every magazine to every gun known to man. Unfortunately, Wallace seems to think the ban is still in place if the $40 AK 30-rnd magazines with the 30% finish and dents are any indication. Most of his NIB stock is from USA and the used magazines cost nearly as much the guns they go to at other tables.

Henry: Henry goes to every convention and recognizes each of the regular attendees. He will inevitably bump into one of these regulars in the middle of the aisle and stop to loudly catch up on the events that occurred within the last week, blocking all passage down the aisle. If asked to please step out of the way, Henry will sway a few inches to one side or the other while keeping his feet planted and without slowing down his animated conversation with whatever poor soul he was cornered this time.

Cletus: Cletus is the size of a Volkswagen and the same general shape. Despite the fact that he is wide enough to single-handedly block traffic on any aisle he occupies, he always seems to have a thirty-foot radius of clear space around here. Likely because he smells like cheese formed in the socks of a French trench soldier in WWI. Any vendors selling gas masks will coincidentally demonstrate them for Cletus and leave them on until he ponderously makes his way to the next table. Cletus never seems to buy anything but asks a lot of questions.

Rufus: Rufus is an escapee from an anime or sci-fi convention, usually in costume. He knows absolutely nothing about guns and is willing to share that complete lack of information with anyone patient enough to listen to his filibusters. He inevetibally ends up swapping bogus stories about guns with Ray and Bubba before spending fifteen minutes working up the courage to approach Sarah's booth and buy a cool-looking stainless steel dagger the size of a cat.

Sgtar15: Sarge is getting up there in years and quite possibly insane, but everyone at the convention loves him. He makes his way around the convention with a cardboard box labeled "Sgtar15 Productions" and full of vintage G.I. Joes he finds at various tables. A lovable character, he manages to creep out many of the gun show attendees nonetheless. The only gun related item he will buy is a brick of .22lr ammo "because of my back".

Greg: Greg knows little about guns but knows what he likes. What he likes is the biggest fricking caliber they can put in a gun without killing the person firing it. Greg absolutely loves his BFG revolver in .45-70 and his Barret M82A1 that he fires from the shoulder. Greg can sometimes be seen wearing a sling on his arm and trying to sell a carbine chambered for .577 Tyrranosaurus.

Jason: Jason is a class III fanatic. Grenade launchers, mortar, RPG's, machine guns, he's into it. Unfortunately for Jason, the only class III dealer at the convention is an asshole who won't let you even touch a single thing on his table, even non-firearms, unless you work for a police or government agency. Jason dislikes being glared by the class III dealer until he leaves and goes home to bitch about it on the internet.

Enrique: Enrique does not speak english. He speaks some form of spanish that remains incomprehensible even to those who took a course in college. Enrique becomes angry if you ask him to speak english or say you don't understand spanish and acts as if he doesn't know what a 4473 is if you hand him one. Enrique suddenly has to leave the convention when Steve walks past wearing an INS t-shirt.

Daric: Daric is a college student out to buy his first evil black rifle. Unfortunately, Daric is on a budget and has decided to build his own AR-15 from parts since that will be more affordable. Those Hesse lower receivers look nice and would go great with that Vulcan upper receiver he saw at the gun store last week.

Winston: Winston sells AR-15's but will glare at anyone who asks if he has lower or upper receivers in stock and loudly tell them that no, he does NOT sell receivers and never will because everyone who buys a lower or upper receiver is a criminal building an illegal gun and the AWB prevents dealers from selling them anyway. Argument with Winston is futile, as is informing him that the ban ended.

This is so tagged.

I'm in there... they even got my name right.  

Sgtar15: Sarge is getting up there in years and quite possibly insane, but everyone at the convention loves him. He makes his way around the convention with a cardboard box labeled "Sgtar15 Productions" and full of vintage G.I. Joes he finds at various tables. A lovable character, he manages to creep out many of the gun show attendees nonetheless. The only gun related item he will buy is a brick of .22lr ammo "because of my back".

Quoted: Add the old fart with the strongest Body Oder ever.

And breath like rotten meat.  Gad,  You can smell the guys breath from the OTHER isle.

This thread has been raised from the dead for an update! Here's a list of all the folks I saw at the gun show today!

Clyde: Clyde has used guns with more rust than finish and if you look closely you might be able to see rifling in the barrel. These guns are priced $200 over what the guns cost when they were brand new and in decent condition. Clyde will be personally and deeply insulted if you offer anything less than what the price tag says, even though he hasn't made a single sale at the last three shows because his merchandise is worthless crap.


Not only was Clyde there, most of his guns had cut receivers too! One chunk of rust was almost recognizable as some sort of revolver even!

Billy: Billy is thirteen years old and at his first gun show with his dad. He's the one with the baseball cap and the bugged out eyes constantly exclaiming "WHOA, COOL! WOW! AWESOME!" Billy will one day have a firearms collection the size of a national guard armory to go along with his position as chairman of the NRA.


I saw a dozen Billies, and half of them brought their girlfriends with them! What's more, half of the girlfriends even seemed genuinely interested in guns!

Bubba: Bubba is a tactical mall-ninja commando in mismatched camoflage from three different countries and patches, rank insignia, and reproduction medals from every branch of the military and a few that don't exist. He will try to corner you and tell you a story about the time he was flying F-22's in 'nam for the USMC SEAL team and then served as a space shuttle door gunner for a top secret mission to Afghanistan. If asked for proof of his exploits, all of his records are either classified or burned down with the building shortly after he retired at the age 29. Alternatively, he'll ask what gun you're buying and proceed to go into a long story about why that gun is a piece of crap and how his .223 caliber rifle that he may have bought from Clyde can blow a deer in half from a mile away with his special-made custom bullets that he makes in his basement. Bubba does not take the hint when you ignore him and will only leave when he finds someone else to latch onto and talk their ears off.


Relatively few Bubba's, but they were there.

Rick: Rick is an awesome dealer whose table has three of everything you could ever want and they're all at a fair price. Unfortunately, you won't find Rick until after you've bought the same thing for twice what he's asking at another table.


I met Rick on the way out the door with my first EBR. Unfortunately, he couldn't remember what price he was asking for the CZ-52 on the table and the price tag was missing. He wasn't interested in looking for it either.

Thelma: Thelma is a little old woman who may have been alive when Lincoln was president. She will be carrying an older firearm that belonged to her recently departed husband that she wants to sell because she has no use for it and no idea of its actual value. This firearm will likely be worth enough to buy a decent car with and she will try selling it to the nearest dealer to the door, usually Clyde. Clyde will offer $50 while barely concealing his cackling delight at finding such a sucker, while a dozen show attendees will run at Thelma screaming "NONONONONONONO!" and trying to stop her before she completes the transaction. Most of them will be honest and either inform her as to the actual value of the gun or direct her to a dealer that will give her more money for it.


There were several Thelmas, but most of the dealers either offered what the gun was worth or said to hold onto it as an investment. w00t!

Mike: Mike is an elderly man wearing a vest with VFW pins all over it. His table specializes in collectible coins and reproduction Nazi memoribilia for WWII collectors. He's an honest dealer but he's also stone deaf and has no idea what you're trying to buy.


There were two Mikes at the convention, one selling collectible coins and the other surplus military uniforms and memoribilia. Both were elderly men, both were stone deaf, and both were unable to figure out what it was I was asking about.

Dave: Dave doesn't actually sell guns and hates Mike with a passion. He sells army surplus camo, police holsters, pepper spray, combat boots, kevlar flak jackets from the 70's, and American WWII memoribilia. He hates Mike because Mike actually sells off his merchandise while Dave's only gets man-handled by potential customers and then dropped back on the table.


Dave made an appearance and took great pleasure in making a stungun go SNAPSNAPSNAPSNAPSNAP for people looking at what he was selling.

Louis: Louis specializes in American-made handguns. Despite the high price tag, you can always get a good deal from Louis because everything is negotiable and he's a good guy. Unfortunately, Louis is in the convention center restroom with explosive diarhea, creating a stench that is almost but not quite enough to make attendees buy surplus gas masks from Dave before entering. Louis' wife Susie is running the table in his absence. Susie has absolutely zero interest in guns, the convention, or the customers. Susie will not negotiate prices and could care less whether or not you buy anything from the table.


Yeah, Louis and Susie both made an appearance. *sigh*

Lorretta: Lorretta makes more money than any other vendor at the show. This defies rational logic since her table is covered almost exclusively with Beanie Babies, home crafts, and copies of Better Homes and Gardens from the mid-1980's. At a gun show. On the plus side, she does sell excellent peanut brittle and pecan chewies.


Lorretta showed up with quilting sets, home-made candy, and several copies of Better Homes and Gardens from the mid-1980's. Spooky.

George: George sells older shotguns and bolt-action rifles. He displays open contempt for anyone who buys a so-called "assault weapon" or a handgun that was made after the 1940's and will glare at you if you so much as dare mention that just possibly the Second Amendment wasn't intended exclusively for deer and duck hunters. More than likely he will loudly declare that "the only reason to own one of those things is to kill people!" Then he'll cuss at you and tell you to get away from his booth if you ask if that's why the police own so many.


George was out in vast numbers today.

Burt: Burt sells "assault" rifles, semi-automatic handguns, and class III weaponry almost exclusively. He also has a stand of books and magazines such as the Army Field Manual FM21-76: Survival, Soldier of Fortune, How To Build a Nuclear Bunker, and Unintended Consequences. Unlike many of the people wandering the show clad in camo, Burt actually knows what he's talking about and can tell you the exact manufacturer, factory, and the day it was built of any gun you mention or show him, entirely by memory, and give you a detailed history of that particular model of firearm that would impress the historian at the Smithsonian's armory section. People tend to think of Burt as being psychotically paranoid, especially about the government, but you have to admit he's making more and more sense as time goes on. Most of Burt's customers either scare you or make you envious.


Burt was, sadly, absent. However, several tables displayed advertisements for a local dealer in class III weaponry and they were all the same address. Hmmm...

Hank: Hank sells knives, swords, spears, crossbows, chainmail, and other archaic items. He makes nearly as much money as Lorretta, despite the fact that most of his merchandise is over-price stainless steel crap you can find at pawn shops and flea markets for a third the price.


Hank showed up in numbers, along with his cousin who was selling claw hammers, screwdrivers, and vast quantities of motor oil.

Tom: Tom is wandering the convention grounds desperately looking for a very specific firearm. Unfortunately for Tom, he passes about ten vendors selling the exact item he's looking for without noticing and finally finds one for sale at Clyde's table. He goes home and ends up hating his purchase and sells it for less than half of what he paid for it. Six months later, he finds the gun he's looking for that doesn't look and perform as if it were run over by an armored column and goes home with tears of joy.

Had a reverse Tom. The person I was with was trying to sell a Llama Minimax in .45ACP with two 10-rnd magazines and couldn't get a single person to buy it. He expressed great disgust at seeing a Lorcin and several other firearms priced at $500 or greater.

Ryan: Ryan has to sneak his new, hideously expensive super awesome gun into the house because if his wife finds out he bought yet another gun instead of making a car payment she'll kill him. Thus, he manages to look simultaneously ecstatic about his purchase and sickeningly nervous as he walks out into the parking lot.


I spoke to several Ryans.

Jose: Jose is a member of the local street gang/drug cartel down town. He can't buy firearms because of his prior six felonies, so he has his latest girlfriend come with him and buy "herself" whichever gun he points out. This will invariably be a cheap-as-dirt and as-reliable-as-the-French-army pistol like a Llama or Lorsen. Whichever dealer Jose's "baby mama" tries buying the gun from will skepticly raise his eyebrow at her and tell her to come back when she isn't dating a dipshit with pantyhose on his head

Jose was out in numbers today, gravitating toward the cheap-ass pistols, Tec-9's, and WASR-10's.

Michelle: Michelle is obsessed with "assault" weapons and eager to add to her growing collection. Each vendor she meets tells her that whichever gun she tries buying isn't what she wants and then patronizes "the little lady" by selecting a tamer, more politically-correct firearm and telling her that that's exactly what she needs. Many then proceed to hit on her, despite the fact that she brought her boyfriend along to carry heavy things.


There were several Michelles, nearly all of them drop-dead gorgeous. One was in a camo miniskirt that clung nicely.

John: John learned everything he knows about guns from television and despite believing everything Feinstein, Boxer, and the DNC say about firearms and the people that own them has decided to get one of his own. After staring in bewilderment at an incredible array of firearms that he never imagined in his wildest dreams, he finally finds one that looks both cool and still politically-correct and pays more than it's worth. He ends up being thrown out of the show for muzzle-sweeping half the attendees and trying to load it on the spot.


Not only did I meet John, the idiot muzzle-swept ME repeatedly. No matter where I moved, that gun was pointed at me while he was examining it.

Tommy: Tommy is your stereotypical black gangbanger. He calls every handgun either a Glock or a gat, refers to magazines as clips, and makes loud hooting sounds to get the vendor's attention and ask "how much fo' da the glock-fotey?" He eventually walks out with a Tec-9 and proceeds to frighten nearly everyone in the parking lot when he and his fifteen homies climb into a rusted-out Caddy with spinners and peel out.


Not only was Tommy present, he even made sure to wear extra bling for the occasion. *SIGH*

Gunny: Gunny is older than dirt but well-preserved. He walks with a slight limp, cusses at the drop of a hat, and speaks more loudly than necessary. Gunny is intent on finding a USGI M1 Garand and an M-14 clone and will gladly let you know that the M-16 is a jam-o-matic popgun and that the U.S. should never have used it to replace the M-14 as the main battle rifle.


By golly, Gunny gets around. I've never seen so many old geezers walking around with beat-up rifles and spouting about their "real man's gun".

Charles: Charles is English. This is his first time at a gun show that he decided to visit just to see what they're like. Despite his fears, prejudices, and pre-conceived notions, Charles actually finds himself enjoying the convention and becoming fascinated with the broad variety of weaponry on display. Then Bubba spots him.


Charles was indeed there, and Bubba did harrass him. Poor Charles.

Erney: Erney is a uniformed police officer supposedly providing security for the convention. In practice, however, he spends most of his time fondling other people's guns at the door or hitting on Michelle while her boyfriend is standing right there. Erney is oblivious to anything Jose or Tommy say or do.


Erney spent most of his time in the stall next to Louis.

Carl: Carl is an elderly man who couldn't weigh 90 pounds soaking wet. Despite this, he is asking each vendor about a massively heavy, large-caliber firearm and seems disappointed that no one at the convention is selling such hand-held artillery. Burt has five of them on display, but Carl is too nervous to approach his booth. He pauses in the middle of conversations and seems confused for a moment before starting over again with the same questions. Eventually he wanders home and falls asleep watching reruns of Matlock.


Carl was out in force.

Joe: Joe is not a licensed dealer, but somehow he always end up with a bunch of guns in his arms that he walks around the aisles with trying to convince attendees to buy for more than they're worth. The vendors don't like Joe but say nothing as more often than not he ends up getting cornered by Bubba for most of the convention and is therefore kept out of their hair.


Not only did Joe and his friends show up, they all duct-taped sticks to the back of their shirts with the price of the rifle they were carting around displayed in magic marker on the end.

Willie: Willie is the stereotypical redneck who fondles each and every gun at the table before picking one, inevitably some sort of man-portable cannon. Willie, while sighting down the barrel at the ceiling, will make an offhand comment about how he really shouldn't buy the gun because he might get pissed and shoot his neighbor. This will result in the dealer quietly setting the gun back on the table and telling him to have a nice day. Willie, oblivious, moves on to the next table and does it all over again.


Yeah, Willie showed up too. Ugh.

Smitty: Smitty specializes in BB guns, paintball guns, and airsoft that try to look like the real thing. Smitty has BB-firing MAC-10's labeled as "UZI FULL-AUTO BB GUN USES REAL UZI PARTS!!!! SPECIAL PRICE $399 TODAY ONLY" and camo fatigues that might conceivably be able to blend in with something if you were trying to hide in a crate of bananas. Smitty's battery-operated full-auto airsoft AK-47 costs more than the real thing.


Not only was Smitty there, his table took up half an aisle.

Ray: Ray is like Bubba, except ten years younger, slightly less overweight, and hangs out at Smitty's table for nearly the whole convention. Like Bubba, he makes up bullshit as he goes, but his fantasies consist almost entirely of the time he single-handedly slew the evil Iron Commandos from Chicago single-handedly while the rest of his squad cowered in fear behind him. Later, both the female members of the squad joined him for a threesome to properly thank him for saving them all from being hit with yellow plastic pellets.


Ray has lots of friends. *shudder*

Sarah: Sarah is everything a man could ever want in a woman and knows it. Using the power of her body, she entices each and every male passing the booth to stop for a look- and maybe take their eyes off her low-cut blouse long enough to hand her money for something, anything, that she happens to be selling. Sarah will rebuff every attempt to get her phone number while still remaining seductive. Erney will have to forcibly remove Ray from the booth twice.


Sarah was there. Oh GOSH, was she there!

Wallace: Wallace sells every magazine to every gun known to man. Unfortunately, Wallace seems to think the ban is still in place if the $40 AK 30-rnd magazines with the 30% finish and dents are any indication. Most of his NIB stock is from USA and the used magazines cost nearly as much the guns they go to at other tables.


Yep, Wallace was there too.

Henry: Henry goes to every convention and recognizes each of the regular attendees. He will inevitably bump into one of these regulars in the middle of the aisle and stop to loudly catch up on the events that occurred within the last week, blocking all passage down the aisle. If asked to please step out of the way, Henry will sway a few inches to one side or the other while keeping his feet planted and without slowing down his animated conversation with whatever poor soul he was cornered this time.


I think half the convention attendees were named Henry, judging from the content and volume of the conversations.

Rufus: Rufus is an escapee from an anime or sci-fi convention, usually in costume. He knows absolutely nothing about guns and is willing to share that complete lack of information with anyone patient enough to listen to his filibusters. He inevetibally ends up swapping bogus stories about guns with Ray and Bubba before spending fifteen minutes working up the courage to approach Sarah's booth and buy a cool-looking stainless steel dagger the size of a cat.


Rufus was spotted making his way down the aisle with a box full of Transformers and G.I. Joe hardbook "graphic novel" collections and cackling maniacally. All other contact was quickly avoided.

Sgtar15: Sarge is getting up there in years and quite possibly insane, but everyone at the convention loves him. He makes his way around the convention with a cardboard box labeled "Sgtar15 Productions" and full of vintage G.I. Joes he finds at various tables. A lovable character, he manages to creep out many of the gun show attendees nonetheless. The only gun related item he will buy is a brick of .22lr ammo "because of my back".


There were no less than FIVE Sarge's wandering the aisles. I kid you not.

Greg: Greg knows little about guns but knows what he likes. What he likes is the biggest fricking caliber they can put in a gun without killing the person firing it. Greg absolutely loves his BFG revolver in .45-70 and his Barret M82A1 that he fires from the shoulder. Greg can sometimes be seen wearing a sling on his arm and trying to sell a carbine chambered for .577 Tyrranosaurus.


Greg made an appearance and was last seen fondling .50BMG rounds at the ammunition dealer's table.

Jason: Jason is a class III fanatic. Grenade launchers, mortar, RPG's, machine guns, he's into it. Unfortunately for Jason, the only class III dealer at the convention is an asshole who won't let you even touch a single thing on his table, even non-firearms, unless you work for a police or government agency. Jason dislikes being glared by the class III dealer until he leaves and goes home to bitch about it on the internet.


Ahem. This would be and half the people at the gun show.

Enrique: Enrique does not speak english. He speaks some form of spanish that remains incomprehensible even to those who took a course in college. Enrique becomes angry if you ask him to speak english or say you don't understand spanish and acts as if he doesn't know what a 4473 is if you hand him one. Enrique suddenly has to leave the convention when Steve walks past wearing an INS t-shirt.


Yes, Enrique showed up too, thankfully in small numbers.

Daric: Daric is a college student out to buy his first evil black rifle. Unfortunately, Daric is on a budget and has decided to build his own AR-15 from parts since that will be more affordable. Those Hesse lower receivers look nice and would go great with that Vulcan upper receiver he saw at the gun store last week.


I stopped Daric from buying a used Vulcan "AK-47" and steered him towards a VEPR NIB for the same price. He'll thank me later.

Winston: Winston sells AR-15's but will glare at anyone who asks if he has lower or upper receivers in stock and loudly tell them that no, he does NOT sell receivers and never will because everyone who buys a lower or upper receiver is a criminal building an illegal gun and the AWB prevents dealers from selling them anyway. Argument with Winston is futile, as is informing him that the ban ended.


Winston was there and nearly got in a pissing match with the two AR-15 parts dealers on either side of him.

At a local gunshop I went to, there were nothing but Clyde's there. I wish I can find at least one with some Rick's at it.

One word....... Outstanding!

Anybody got more suggestions or contributions to the list? I'm thinking of making an entire book for gun owners (Swindle's version of the Bathroom Reader, perhaps) and dedicate one entire chapter to the gun show experience.

You gotta have a Mark. He's the guy you see every show, has good prices, friendly and he will keep his eye out for what you want. He makes you spend WAYYYYY more money then you should but has gotten you some really cool stuff. He has already checked out the place before it ever opened, and he's the first table you go to as you enter.  You've even given your number to him but the wife has gotten suspicious because every time he calls the bank balance drops mysteriously. You always buy something from him whether or not you need it because you hope he stays in business for a long time, besides he sells good stuff and always slips you a bit extra. [So far this year "Mark" has gotten me a navy 308 garand, a MINT 1945 RR 1911A1, a Colt Ace [NIB] and some ww2 holsters, mags and such. Thanks "Mark"

I'm Ryan.

I'm Tom.

Ack Swindle, I can't beleive you left me out.....the "ATF" "trainee" !

Ben

Quoted: Ack Swindle, I can't beleive you left me out.....the "ATF" "trainee" ! Ben

Bubba and Ray are clearly on the list already.

Quoted: Quoted: Ack Swindle, I can't beleive you left me out.....the "ATF" "trainee" ! Ben Bubba and Ray are clearly on the list already.

I AIN'T NO MALL COMMANDO! Err, Hoveround commando!

Ben

From the last update, it would appear that Mr. Swindle and I attended the same funshow in San Antonio yesterday! I shit you not.

please add the airsoft folks - vendors and shoppers-
JBTs trying to look like they are shopping
hotties trying to look as interested as their boyfriends

Wow, I just noticed that the LATE (Hallelejuiah) Fox posted in this thread.

You forgot to add the VPC/MMM/Brady Bunch trolls that go to Gunshows.

Ben

Quoted: From the last update, it would appear that Mr. Swindle and I attended the same funshow in San Antonio yesterday! I shit you not.

I was the guy in the black Transformers t-shirt and woodland camo boonie hat. You?

Quoted: Next installment! Jake: Jake is an asshole vendor who goes out of his way to piss off potential customers and rip them off. Jake is too stupid to realize when to back off and completely fails to understand that if you knock a guys cigar out of his mouth and assault him he WILL go Darth Vader on your ass. .

I remember that one.

Where the hell is the INDIAN JEWELERY Lady?
Is there any chance that the weird late 20's guys with mind-numbing body odor and mismatched German Flek camo are in attendance?
Is Tommy's Cousin, Leroy there looking for ammo for his .32auto?

This is the best thread ever- should be tacked!

Quoted: Dont forget about JoJack and JoBob who havent seen each other since..... yesterday and decide to stop and tell their life stores in the middle of the row blocking everyone from passing. And only moving a couple of inches when they notice people are trying to get by.

This one is even better when it occurs at the Hamton Va Convention Center where the show
organizers have thoughtfully arranged the rows so that every support column blocks part of an
asile.

Quoted: Quoted: Dont forget about JoJack and JoBob who havent seen each other since..... yesterday and decide to stop and tell their life stores in the middle of the row blocking everyone from passing. And only moving a couple of inches when they notice people are trying to get by. This one is even better when it occurs at the Hamton Va Convention Center where the show organizers have thoughtfully arranged the rows so that every support column blocks part of an asile.

Ah yes, the wonderful Hampton Convention Center gun show:  10% firearms, 90% crap and accessories.  I quit going to them because the Richmond and VA Bch ones are so much better.

My favorite vendor is the one selling the bulletproof vests that the fedgov is about to outlaw ANY MINUTE NOW -- for the past 2 years.

need photos

Quoted: need photos

No cameras allowed in the gun show. Even had they allowed them, my digital camera has no batteries in it.