Let us institute Prima Nocte.

Lol that would be a great troll

Was the horse named Friday?

Visit Trona; garden spot.

The pollution blots out the sun, there are illegal aliens everywhere, gangs rule the streets, gasoline is $8 a gallon, a loaf of bread is $12, milk shortages occur routinely, guns are not allowed, neither are bullets, powder, or even brass, you can kill someone and go free - unless you're a good citizen and then you get rail-roaded and sent to Alcatraz, traffic is incredible, the weather is too hot, too cold, too dry, too whatever you don't like, everything is banned - except taxes, most of the women are toothless, most of the men are gay, did I mention the taxes?, our ball teams are losers, pot is legal unless you like pot and then it's illegal, earthquakes have destroyed the cities, the ones you see in the movies are all models and little tiny miniatures, no jobs, no welfare if you need it, lots of welfare if you're a tax payer, did I mention the taxes?, HIV is common except for the younger than 12 crowd and they all have bird flu, swine flu, bear-man-pig flu, nothing good was ever invented here - not the Internet, not pron, not the AR-15, not the vacuum tube leading to modern radio, communication, television and the electronics age, not stealth technology, not supersonic flight, not ceramic body armor, not laser light shows, nobody of any merit was born here - not George S. Patton, not Jimmy Doolittle, Raquel Welch, Gordon Moore, Clint Eastwood, Bruce Lee, Tiger Woods, Jeff Gordon, Jim Morrison, William Shockley, but Barbara Boxer was, Ronald Reagan didn't call this his home and neither does Rush Limbaugh, it’s a tiny state with boring landscape, no national or state parks, one or two city parks (for the gangs to hang out at) and no amusement parks to speak of, everyone drives wimpy little cars like the Prius and rides Penny-Farthing bikes wearing short pants and socks with their sandals, the beach is much much smaller than it looks and is littered with dead hookers and covered in oil slicks, did I mention the high taxes?

Not a single business of note calls the state home, not Cisco, not AMD, not Intel, not Apple, Facebook, eBay, Lockheed’s Skunk Works, nor NVIDIA, did I mention no guns allowed here yet? Not the home of the world’s first civilian space flights or around the world flight. California doesn’t do more than any other state to balance the trade surplus with China.

We don't have penal code 197 which justifies homicide when committed in defense of habitation, property, or person, against one who manifestly intends or endeavors, by violence or surprise, to commit a felony, or against one who manifestly intends and endeavors, in a violent, riotous or tumultuous manner, to enter the habitation of another for the purpose of offering violence to any person therein; or, when committed in the lawful defense of such person, or of a wife or husband, parent, child, master, mistress, or servant of such person, when there is reasonable ground to apprehend a design to commit a felony or to do some great bodily injury, and imminent danger of such design being accomplished; but such person, or the person in whose behalf the defense was made, if he was the assailant or engaged in mutual combat, must really and in good faith have endeavored to decline any further struggle before the homicide was committed; or, when necessarily committed in attempting, by lawful ways and means, to apprehend any person for any felony committed, or in lawfully suppressing any riot, or in lawfully keeping and preserving the peace (so keep quite damn it), did I mention the high taxes?, the speed limits are strictly enforced and you really can't drive as fast as your Prius wants to go, there are no custom car clubs or manufacturers here, music forget about it there isn't any and never was, plenty of hippies, mostly in government always raising taxes, we regulate tanning beds to keep them away from our 16-year olds but let fathers show porn to their 8 and 9 year old daughters and feel that's his right to do so, our laws restrict the sales of alcohol on Sundays and we have plenty of dry cities and entire counties too - unless you think that's a good thing and we give out liquor stamps with the WIC cards, did I mention no guns what so ever?

Hurricanes, droughts, tornadoes, floods, killer zombies AND tomatoes happen all the time, at the same time, there are no Christians and therefore no Easter, Christmas, or even Independence Day, the state was so lame that it didn't send a single person to the signing of the Declaration of Independence and not a single soldier to fight in the first OR second War of Independence, there are no Medal of Honor holders from California, the military isn't welcomed and there’s not a single military member stationed here, and the USS Midway and USS Iowa sits empty rotting on the pier as a museums that nobody wants to visit, did I mention the high taxes and no guns here? The places is closer to France than France, eight volcanoes just waiting to explode, the public schools are rated next to last in the nation (thank you Mississippi), tens of thousands of people leave the state every year and have every single year since it over took the other states as the state more full of Americans than any other state back in the 1950s, it’s a ugly, smelly, silly place, chock full of liberals that breed out of control and sneak into other states to reap havoc there in a coordinated effort to destroy the nation, the streets are nearly empty expect for the crack users and alcoholics, the homes rot and crumble, well known as the home of the democrat party, ACORN, Al Franken, Al Gore, Al Sharpton, Jarry Sandusky, the ACLU, Barack Obama, Bill and Hillary Clinton, Barney Franks, ABC/CBS/NBC news, CeaseFire, the Church Universal and Triumphant, MoveOn, the Democratic Underground, the Nation of Islam, Stop Handgun Violence, the Westboro Baptist Church, the Branch Dravidian, the House of Yahweh, Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, did I mention the no guns and lots of taxes?, Janet Reno, Jerry Springer, Jimmy Carter, Mike Farrel, Mike Ferguson, MTV,  New Yorkers Against Gun Violence, Ophra Winfrey, PBS, NPR, Rainbow/Push, Jessie Jackson,  Tom Cruise, Tom Brokaw, and Tom Daschle, the real estate prices are through the roof along with estate taxes, and there are no guns allowed, in fact at all.

Spanish is the official state language if you don’t like it go back to America where you came from gringo. Wildfires ravage the state burning down every house and killing tens of thousands a year. They film Jerry Spring, Steve Wilcos, Maury, and Dr. Phil here for a good reason. The slightest amount of rain sends half the state into the ocean with mudslides. The animals here kill you and eat you just for being a Californian: bears, coyotes, mountain lions and Big Foot just to start. The California Air Resource Board forces us to buy light colored cars and controls the thermostats of our homes from some master control station. The home of Walmart and Target, California is the only known state to consume products from China. Our bullets are numbered and cost $3 each, we need a permit to shoot each one in advance. Pistols are more common in Chicago, New York, and Washington DC than anywhere here. Rifles are prohibited completely except for single shot .22 rifles which have to be kept locked at a licensed gun club. Car registration cost thousands of dollars per car often costing more than the purchase of the new car itself. Street racers get crushed inside their cars when caught; sometimes they throw in a few spectators in as well.

The Kalifornia DOJ routinely goes door-to-door seizing firearms and inspecting ammo to make sure it’s all got the required serial numbers. There are random checkpoint stations outside the larger cities that are manned to search passing vehicles for firearms too. If you don’t heed the annual evacuation orders when it rains the SWAT teams breaks in your door, shoots your dog, and holds your children at machine-pistol point until you comply. Only ugly women are allowed to live here. And just like it is possible to learn everything you need to know about Kansas from the Wizard of Oz, about Miami from Miami Vice, and World War II history from watching Hogan’s Heroes you are able to know everything about California from watching Bay Watch, Beverly Hills 90210, and Desperate Housewives.

California is the home of domestic terrorist like the shoe bomber, the underwear bomber, the Fort Hood attacker, the Fort Drum terrorist and others. California arrests folks for open carry of firearms or pitch forks. According to Mike Huckabee and the Liberty Counsel the California school board wants to remove references to Daniel Boone, non-Californian General George Patton, Nathan Hale, Columbus Day, and Christmas – they want to include the cultural impact of hip hop music, ACLU lawyer Clarence Darrow, and the Hindu holiday of Diwali, they want to replace the term American with Global Citizen stating that the students need to be shaped for responsible citizenship in a global society and replace expansionism and free enterprise with imperialism and capitalism.

California doesn’t hold 60% of the nation’s oil shale reserves or the biggest rare earth metal reserves.

The sports teams are perennial losers and when the Lakers lose yet another NBA championship or the Trojans are not yet in another Rose Bowl the city goes into a riot killing hundreds, burning dozens of cars, and looting thousands of stores. Nobody gets arrested as the police here have no interest in actually enforcing the law; they use foam rubber batons and stern language to try to control the rioters. California is the only known state to have sports riots. The state has the smallest death row population and the smallest prison population – which outnumbers some states whole population. There are no professional sports teams left in California after the Raiders, Chargers, 49ers, Dodgers, Angels, Athletics, Padres, Giants, Golden State Warriors, Clippers, Kings, Ducks, Lakers, and Sharks announced their leaving of the state.

Such cowards that not a single Californian fought in the American Revolutionary War or the The War of 1812, and very few participated in the Civil War.  The Ruger 10/22 is banned as an assault rifle.

The biggest tourist attraction in the entire state is San Luis Obispo’s Bubblegum Alley.  

TL:DR - high taxes and no guns.

Someone has a little Stockholm syndrome