Quoted: Quoted: My moral dilemma.....I do not think it is right for my unmarried daughter  to go away with her boyfriend for a week.  I realize she is old enough to make her own decisions, but at this point is this when I tell her that she is finally emanciapted and I stop supporting her? I am considering cutting off the allowance and telling her she is free to do what she wants but I have no obligation to support it.  I will continue to help with the college. Thoughts? I am going to give you the Dr. Laura advice and tell you if she goes, then she should be TOTALLY cutoff financially. If she is old enough to make bad moral judgements, then she is an adult, and should live free from anyone elses financial support. I tend to be UBER-Conservative when it comes to things like this. By allowing it, you are condoning it. Flame suit on.....

I never thought I'd be so old-fashioned at 23 (well...a month from 24), but I have to agree with DOA.  Anyone still on the parental dole follows parental rules.  She is welcome to make her own rules if she wants to be TRULY independent.

My dad is helping me with some living costs in medical school and I respect his wishes.

someone else said it better:  "Subsidized independence"

Quoted: I AM a 19 year old daughter. I lived with my boyfriend for a year...and the parents didn't care one bit. They're just happy I bring home good grades. My parents were never very strict though. My entire life, I never had a bedtime or a curfew. There were only 2 rules in my house: Get good grades and don't get arrested. I've never broken either of those rules. I got into one of the best private high schools in the midwest, got excellent grades, and continued that in college. It was great because I never had to rebel...there was nothing to rebel against. Granted, I'm sure such an upbringing wouldn't work for everyone...but I don't think I would have turned out as well as I did if it hadn't been for my parents' leniency. I'm not stupid, and it doesn't sound like your daughter is either. I hate to tell you this, but your daughter is going to do what she wants regardless of your rules. Just be glad she's telling you about her plans, rather than sneaking around behind your back. If you threaten her with ultimatums, she will give the appearance that she is following your rules. But, she won't be. She will be living her life just the same as she is now...but she won't tell you about it.

CB,

I'm not saying anything bad about you or your family (or not trying to, at least), but (to everyone) I'd like to make the observation it is a state testament to our culture that bringing home good grades has become more important than making moral decisions.

In fact, I believe this to be a HUGE contributor to the absolute EPIDEMIC of cheating that goes on in our colleges today.

Let her go.  She has probably been working as hard as she can to make some extra $$$ to get away from it for a few days.

Lighten up.  Would you rather she just lie to you cause you are a "reactionary dumb parent?"

You are investing in her future.  She is going to be with men regardless if she goes away or not.  

If you want to cut her off, don't use this as a BS excuse.  All it will do is drive a wedge into your relationship.  If you have instilled morals in her I wouldn't worry.

MHO

**********UPDATE*************

I left work early so I could catch my daughter at my house.  She was doing laundry.

I sat her down and first told her "I love you very much, but want to discuss this trip".

I asked her if she felt this was the moral thing to do, spending a week at the beach with her boyfriend.  She saw no issue.

I then explained how I had an issue with it.  I was not accusing her of having sex or even asking.  Just the mere perception of this type of activity bothered me.  I have no dillusions of what she may or may not be doing while living in her apartment, that was something I could not contrel.  I saw this trip as a slap in my face especially since she waited until the last minute to tell me she was going and then I had to ask With Who?  She did not ask my permission or my opinion on the matter.

I explained she is a mature women and able to make her own decisions.  But if she wants to make decisions like this I do not have to support it, either emotionally or financially.  I told her if she went I would discontinue her allowance, but still give her the money in her college fund.

She cried and could not understand what was so wrong with hanging out with a buddy at the beach.  I said it was more than that, it is her boyfriend and I certainly do not have to support that.  I also told her I was very disappointed at how his mother helped to arrange this trip.  I then commented on how I felt the morality of this world was slipping and it was important for some people to take a stand on certain issues.  This is one issue I was taking a stand on.

I then told her she was financially on her own and free to do anything she would like without guilt.  I will no longer  judge her.  I also told her it might take 25 years before she realized the importance of this conversation.

She cried a bit and then had to leave for work.  I told her I love her and to drive safe.

I have struggled with this all day before and all night since, but feel like I am doing the right thing.  I have a 13 year old daughter and I need to be consistent with how I now deal with her.  I can't have her throwing this event in my face 5 or 6 years from now if I had supported it.

let me get this straight. you dont want her to go to myrtle beach to have a good time because you THINK she MAY possible be doing things you dont approve of?

with all due respect sir, i think you need to lighten up on her. let her have a good time, if youve taught her right there's no reason to worry!

I think you are being a dick.

Yea, she should have given your more notice, but it feels like you're going overboard on this one.

Are you flipping out because her bpyfriend is a schmuck or some kind of bad influence on her, or just because it's a boyfriend? She's going on a vacation, oh the horror! The horror!

I may agree with you more when I have children of my own, but I believe you overreacted on this situation. The only way I'll agree with you on this is if the boyfriend is some crackfeind or something, or if you seriously think that he's using this as a method to get into her pants. How long have they been going out?

What would did you do if when you were 19? Think back.....

Get used to the idea that people you probably aren't going to like are going to have sex with your daughter, whether you "approve" or not.  





Btw - I have NO qualification AT ALL to comment on this.  The $15 co-pay I paid for my vasectomy was so worth it!  

You are doing the right thing Glassman, especially since you have a 13 yo. 19 is an adult, I would not even be paying for college let alone an allowance. She wants to make adult decisions she can pay her own way. Good on ya.

If her boyfriend is an asshat then you have some ground to stand on. If he's a good guy who has good parents that raised him well then it really shouln't be as much of an issue as you are making it into.

Also, depending on how you and your daughter think you have done raising her, I'd say she is old enough that you should allow her to start making decisions like this on her own and simply take into account the opinions and feeling that other will have as a result.

Never been to Mertl Beach so i don't know what kind of stuff goes on there, but if she is just finishing up her spring semester of college and you are hammering down on her like this I can see how shemight shed a few tears after athe stress of finals and what not.

Lighten up a little. And take her boyfriend to the range with you before their trip to see if he is worthy of shooting your guns or being shot by them.

Glad you are not my father.  The girl is in college and you are acting like she is in high school.  

With all due respect.  You seem like a self-centered, I need more credit, my kids better be who I tell them to be, kind of dad.

Support her some financially out of support for her, not as a way to control her or as a manipulation debit and credit system.  

Quoted: let me get this straight. you dont want her to go to myrtle beach to have a good time because you THINK she MAY possible be doing things you dont approve of? with all due respect sir, i think you need to lighten up on her. let her have a good time, if youve taught her right there's no reason to worry!

In reality, he did lighten up!  While he does not like the idea of her vacation he really cannot stop her, she is an adult, BUT, he also does not have to support her any longer, because she IS an adult.  She made an adult decision to go and he let her.  There's no reason to condemn him because he will not finance her decision.  This is a simple case of children these days expecting a free ride from mom and dad, and never learning until it is too late the value and or consequences of your decisions.

At some point you have to let go and trust they'll do the right thing.  Better a week's vacation  on the beach than you driving her out of your life forever.  Tell her you love and trust her, and if things go wrong, you'll be there for her.  If you've brought her up right, that should be more than enough.

If she raised this money herself, u need to back off.  You are at the point that you have to step back and let go.  Trust in your training.  Hope she finds an honorable guy like myself who wont do anything stupid.

WTH do I know, I'm only a 22 year old, but my parents give me a lot of freedom.  Since I live @ home to save them some money, they provide what I need, and sometimes what I want.  Guns, until recently, has been totally my bag.  If I wanted a new rifle, handgun, whatever, I had to buy it myself.  They would buy the occasional box of ammo if I did something to really help out the family (change all the oil in the fleet w/o even being asked).  

But, for the most part, it was only needs they provide.

Since they claim me on their taxes, it isint any other way.


God Bless my folks

I totally understand your position, but as others have brought up, here are a few things to consider......

1.  Would you have been ok with her going if she told you that she wanted to go with a group of girlfriends?  She knows your moral beliefs, and knows that you would not like the idea that she was going.  Instead of telling you the truth, she could have either lied and said that she was going with girlfriends, or tried to find a way to go and not let you know she was even going.  Given that she knows your moral beliefs and how you would react, you might want to thank your lucky stars that she loves and respects you enough to tell you what she really wants to do, instead of lying to you.  She had enough character to let you know, even knowing the likely consequences, and having to go through the emotional torment of incurring her beloved father's wrath.  I know many women who have just decided to never tell their parents anything for fear of having to deal with their disappointment and anger, and as a result, their relationship suffered.

2.  You have every right to withhold funds if you wish, since it is, after all, your money.  However, I have seen this happen three times so far to girls I go to school with.  Their parents withheld money because they found out that their daughters were having sex.  They demanded that their daughters stop, and when they did not, the money was gone.  This did NOT stop the actions of these women.  Instead, two of them moved in with their boyfriends and took full-time jobs, and as a result their schoolwork suffered.  The other woman paid lip service to her parents, but still continued to do what she wanted.  However, she stopped visiting her parents as much as she used to, only visiting when holiday considerations made it necessary and unavoidable.  She stopped going to them with her problems, or even telling them anything about what was going on in her life.  She just graduated, and has very little contact with her parents.  She has taken a moral stand of her own, and started paying her parents back so that they cannot try to guilt her into visiting.  They used to be close, they are not anymore.

Basically, it all comes down to what's important.  Yes, you can remove your finnancial support based on your beliefs, but while you argue that she has to pay the consequences for her decisions, so must you.  Are you willing to let this issue get in between your relationship with her?  Are you willing to take the risk that she decides to not go to you with her problems, out of fear of further consequences?  Are you willing to lose your daughter altogether as a potential result, once school is over and she is free of your finances?  All of these things are possible, as I have seen them happen in real life.  

She sounds like a good person who maybe has developed her own ideas of what is right and wrong.  A parent can only do so much, then must let their children be free to figure out the world on their own, which means letting them make mistakes so that they can learn from them.  If she is having sex, she will have it whether you approve of the vacation or not.  Not letting her go, then, could only lead to negative consequences, with you eventually losing out in the end, in terms of your relationship with her.

On a side note, just because she wants to go on vacation does not necessarily mean that she is doing things that you would not approve of.  I am currently living with my boyfriend, we have been living together since September.  However, we have not and will not have sex in the past or in the foreseeable future.  Although we live together, we maintain seperate bedrooms, and this has worked out well for both of us, I lucked out in finding a guy who was willing to abide by my beliefs.  I am putting myself through college, and had a horrible roommate before this, so we moved in to save money.

It sounds like your daughter is a responsible young adult who loves and respects you.  Please remember that she could have very easily lied to you or just not told you, so this means that she must be principled and have good character as well.  I know that being a dad is very hard, good luck in figuring this whole mess out!

You did fine!

To those of you who don't have children......SHUT THE FUCK UP!

To those of you who have girl children.......you know the issues.

YOU DID GOOD!

Quoted: I saw this trip as a slap in my face especially since she waited until the last minute to tell me she was going and then I had to ask With Who?  She did not ask my permission or my opinion on the matter. She cried and could not understand what was so wrong with hanging out with a buddy at the beach.  I said it was more than that, it is her boyfriend and I certainly do not have to support that.  I also told her I was very disappointed at how his mother helped to arrange this trip.  I then commented on how I felt the morality of this world was slipping and it was important for some people to take a stand on certain issues.  This is one issue I was taking a stand on.

I know this is out of order, but I thought it pointed to something. Firstly, I know I'll probably be in the minority, but I agree with what you did. You took a stand based on your own convictions, and did so in what seems to be a calm and rational manner.  

What I found interesting, and why I put these two quotes together, is that she dropped this on you at the last minute, had to be prodded for any details, and yet seemingly had no problem planning this for how many weeks with the mother of her boyfriend. I'm not going to comment any further than this would have my antenna rising more than a touch. I won't say more simply because I don't have full understanding of the dynamics of the different relationships involved.

I explained she is a mature women and able to make her own decisions.  But if she wants to make decisions like this I do not have to support it, either emotionally or financially.  I told her if she went I would discontinue her allowance, but still give her the money in her college fund. I then told her she was financially on her own and free to do anything she would like without guilt.  I will no longer  judge her.  I also told her it might take 25 years before she realized the importance of this conversation. She cried a bit and then had to leave for work.  I told her I love her and to drive safe. I have struggled with this all day before and all night since, but feel like I am doing the right thing.  I have a 13 year old daughter and I need to be consistent with how I now deal with her.  I can't have her throwing this event in my face 5 or 6 years from now if I had supported it.

Things like this make me glad there's No Love For Frank! I don't envy you this position, I really don't....but I applaud you for being true to yourself. Contrary to what some might think, you have every right to disapprove of what your children do, and I think considering the situation you did as best as possible. I hate to use the tired cliche, but I think some years down the line your daughter will probably end up in close enough of a situation to, as you said 'realize the importance of the situation'.  And I'm especially glad on what you put in the last comment......some people I know don't have that much scope to their parental considerations.

Well, for what it is worth Glassman, good on ya' mate!

If you dont stand for something, you will fall for anything. And for that matter, I would have that boy standing tall before me, and he would answer for whether he is willing and able to support her if he knocked her up. You cant let this stuff slip past you.

Btw, you guys who have been out of college or never gone away to college would be in shocked awe at what your little girls are getting up to when they are away from you. You have no idea. I will just leave it at that.

I would NEVER let my kids go away to college. Sorry. Plenty of commuter colleges around here.

Dram

(written after the update)

While I don't agree with some of your conclusions, I think you handled the matter very well and I fully support you standing up for your own convictions while not forcing them on your daughter.

Well done.

You didn't answer my questions, so I'll take it that you didn't have a prior agreement with her.
10-1 odds say that this drives her away from you, and, she'll probably end up spending the weekend with her boyfriend no matter what.

Btw, you guys who have been out of college or never gone away to college would be in shocked awe at what your little girls are getting up to when they are away from you. You have no idea. I will just leave it at that. I would NEVER let my kids go away to college. Sorry. Plenty of commuter colleges around here. Dram

Never let them?   What are your kids going to college at 8?  You can throw all the fits you like, but at 18 your child can and should go to school where they choose for the program they choose.  If your kid has any sense of self-support they will know it too.  You lived your life and made your choices, don't be such a tyrant as to assume that makes you their overlord for the remainder of their lives.  

That's my thoughts on it but raise your kids how you choose.

Despite all the nay-sayers above, I would like to say


Well done, friend.


This is coming from a 23 year old male who has made some unwise decisions.

**For the rest of you people, I can't believe you're telling the guy to just give the girl free money no matter what she does.  Where do you draw the line?  He still loves her and he is still paying for her college, but he has NO OBLIGATION to help pay for her trip, which if he's giving her an allowance, he most likely is.

Quoted: with all due respect sir, i think you need to lighten up on her. let her have a good time, if youve taught her right there's no reason to worry!

no kidding! its a freaking vacation for pete's sake

Quoted: You did fine! To those of you who don't have children......SHUT THE FUCK UP! To those of you who have girl children.......you know the issues. YOU DID GOOD!

Amen to that!!!

I have a soon to be 16 year old   And I can tell you I am not looking forward to college days

You're doing the right thing.  Morality is in a tailspin, and a line in the sand has to be drawn.  What is right or wrong does not change with the times.  There are absolutes.

You did what you did.  However, expect her to not be completely forthcoming in the future about her activities and who she is with.  

Mike

Glassman you are a moron.

Your "morality" is nothing more than manipulation and slavery. You are a control freek. God help your 13 year old. She certainly wont get it from you. You should never have given your daughter in college money from the begining with if you were going to use it to control her instead of giving it out of the kindness of your heart to help her get a start on her new life.

Your parenting eneded when she turned 18 a year ago. You continued to give her money afterward. You either should never of done that or you should never of stopped untill she no longer needs it. You have driven a not only a wedge between you and your daughter, but probably between you and your wife as well. Just WHAT are you going to do when you find your wife is giving your daughter money behind your back? If she helped your daughter plan this trip can you honestly say she wont? What will you do when you catch her, divorce?

And all this tells your 13 year old is that she will NEVER be emancipated. She can expect you to keep manipulating her long after she has left your house.

When are you going to let your daughter go? Are you going to select her fiancee for her? Are you going to cut her off if she marries this guy without consulting you? How far are you going to take this obsecession?

What are you going to do if she MARRIES this guy? He is probably going to consider you a prick for insulting him by pre-judging his character before you even met. People still do marry their first study parnters quite often. You need to get over treating the male population as a gang of sexual predators and start remembering that they are now potential SONS IN LAW.

Good of you to continue supporting her through school.

She's 19 and was looking for a week of independence. You just cut her loose for the rest of her life. Creating a life and setting boundaries is demanding work, especially while carrying a full college credit load.  You just doubled her work load, when she was looking to take a short vacation.

From here on out you're a spectator, if she chooses to share with you.  You are free to offer your advise, but the polite thing to do, from now on, is to wait for her to ask for it. Anything you do to manipulate her from here on is interference in HER life. The one you just handed her the reigns for.

Quoted: Glassman you are a moron.

WOW, that was uncalled-for.

Your "morality" is nothing more than manipulation and slavery. You are a control freek. God help your 13 year old. She certainly wont get it from you. You should never have given your daughter in college money from the begin with if you were going to use it to control her instead of giving it out of the kindness of your heart to help her get a start on her new life.

I see that you can't read.   He didn't take away the college money and is not using it to control her.   READ IT.

Your parenting eneded when she turned 18 a year ago. You continued to give her money afterward. You either should never of done that or you should never of stopped untill she no longer needs it. You have driven a not only a wedge between you and your daughter, but probably between you and your wife as well. Just WHAT are you going to do when you find your wife is giving your daughter money behind your back? If she helped your daughter plan this trip can you honestly say she wont? What will you do when you catch her, divorce?

How do you know ANYTHING about what this guy's wife is thinking?  His wife did NOT help plan the trip (AFAWK)

And all this tells your 13 year old is that she will NEVER be emancipated. She can expect you to keep manipulating her long after she has left your house.

Maybe what it tells the 13 year old is that he will be consistent and fair and not hold the 19 yo to one standard of behaviour and the younger one to a different one down the road.

When are you going to let your daughter go? Are you going to select her fiancee for her? Are you going to cut her off if she marries this guy without consulting you? How far are you going to take this obsecession?

Wow, that's quite an extrapolation - doesn't like impropriety or the appearance of impropriety ergo he's going to arrange her marriage.  Brilliant, Watson.

What are you going to do if she MARRIES this guy? He is probably going to consider you a prick for insulting him by prejudging his character before you even met. People still do marry their first study parnters quite often? You need to get over treating the male population as a gang of sexual predators and start remembering that they are now potential SONS IN LAW.

My fiancees parents NEVER would have approved of us going on a vacation together before we were engaged, and I wouldn't think they were judging my character one bit.  I still like them just as much.



In conclusion:
1. Don't call a man a moron if you can't even speak English properly.  Do you realize twice in a row you said "of" instead of "have?"  Do you have any idea how much of a moron this makes YOU look like?   Normally it wouldn't be any big deal, but when you go insulting others, you need to make sure  your shit doesn't stink.  If English is not your first language, I apologize.

2. Your opinion has been noted.  Not that it's any surprise, coming from with "Liberal" in their nickname

Quoted: Quoted: You did fine! To those of you who don't have children......SHUT THE FUCK UP! To those of you who have girl children.......you know the issues. YOU DID GOOD! Amen to that!!! I have a soon to be 16 year old   And I can tell you I am not looking forward to college days

Ya'll took the words out of my mouth.  Amen again.  

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quoted: Glassman you are a moron. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WOW, that was uncalled-for.

i'll second that!

Your "morality" is nothing more than manipulation and slavery.

c'mon! oh yea, he really sounds like a wacked out unreasonable slave-driver. he was being the best parent he could be. he was fair, and did a good job.

P.S. i'm never having a daughter!

Glassman,

I think you did the right thing.

To the rest of you ass hats.... Why should he pay for a week's vacation (That he probably can't afford for himself, because he is paying for her education AND giving her spending money) that he believes is morally wrong?

WTF  is wrong with you?

this "It's all good" or "Hell, she's prolly screwing him any way" Is simply moral bankruptcy.

I have a daughter that is 24 and a son that is 28. If I don't approve, they can do what they want... without any hand-outs from me. and they know it.

I love my kids and would give them the world if I could.. but not if I disapprove of their conduct.

I've listened to all the"I'm an adult and I can do what I want " arguments. And they were right. BUT! I don't have to subsidize their folly.

::RANT MODE OFF::

Quoted: Good of you to continue supporting her through school. She's 19 and was looking for a week of independence. You just cut her loose for the rest of her life. Creating a life and setting boundaries is demanding work, especially while carrying a full college credit load.  You just doubled her work load, when she was looking to take a short vacation.

A "full" college load is a frikking joke.  Seriously.

From here on out you're a spectator, if she chooses to share with you.  You are free to offer your advise, but the polite thing to do, from now on, is to wait for her to ask for it. Anything you do to manipulate her from here on is interference in HER life. The one you just handed her the reigns for.

I think this was his point, he is cutting her loose.  He told her to do whatever she wants free of guilt.  Not, as some other poster suggested, trying to bribe her into obeying .  I got the impression he wasn't dangling the money in front of her, saying "you can have this if you do this" but rather saying "I am not going to pay for activities I don't endorse."  It's his money and he's under no obligation to pay for things he doesn't like.

If he is sincere about what he said, he won't be "manipulating" her from here on out.  I don't understand why everyone is riding the guy so hard for giving the girl the reins to her own life.  The guy has just agreed not to be critical of anything she ever does again, and you people still think he should give her free money?  I'm surprised the lot of you aren't welfare-state-supporting liberals.

You guys, my god.  I agree that this last minute vacation wasn't probably a right decision on her part, but you need to remember she's still a kid.  Yes, a 19 year old is still a kid, and she's going to do things at that age you might not agree with.  You decided to pay for school and give her extra money, but it sounds as though certain grounds rules weren't established beforehand.  You were a little late at cutting her off by giving her an ultimatum, for now she may just resent you and feel abandoned because of this.  You decided it was okay to let her live on her own and give her money, but feel it's not unreasonable to remove any financial assistance because of a trip where her actions aren't going to be any different that they would be at her apartment.  You can't watch or control her every move now, so don't try to influence her actions by playing money games.  It makes you look bad.  She may still be a kid IMO, but this age is one of transition, so some latitude needs to be applied.

Adam

by the way, I thought I was socially conservative.  Some of you guys are a little too authoritarian.

Glassman61 Mickeymouse had the best responce!   I am a father as well and know how you feel(and yes my daughter is now 23) But you must let go(and I know it's allmost imposible)!

But she is a young woman now,and you are her Daddy!   You will allways be her Daddy but you must now act like a father,I would think she has a good head on her shoulders and for you to act any other way than a careing father would only hurt her and you!

You should ask to meet the young man that might become your son-in -law,you might just like him!

And thus he become an extension of your very need to protect her from that harm that is out there!

My son-in-law knows that as much as he loves my daughter,sleeps with her every night and tries to love her as much as I!

He will never love her in the way that I do,a father or a mothers love goes way farther that any young person can even fathom!


So show her that love that you really feel,trust her,have her mother talk about birth control(because she is having sex at 19)  I raised my young daughter with-out her mother and I still could allways tell her that birth control was way cheaper than diapers!


Don't use money as a substitute for love,or a force to take the place of love!    


She loves you but can't understand why you would use money as a substitute for trust,love ,and understanding!

I would love to see you say have a good weekend(don't drink and drive) be carefull and heres a 100.00 bill to put in your shoe!

Love you and remember Whos your Daddy?


Bob

Quoted: Glassman61 Mickeymouse had the best responce!   I am a father as well and know how you feel(and yes my daughter is now 23) But you must let go(and I know it's allmost imposible)! But she is a young woman now,and you are her Daddy!   You will allways be her Daddy but you must now act like a father,I would think she has a good head on her shoulders and for you to act any other way than a careing father would only hurt her and you! You should ask to meet the young man that might become your son-in -law,you might just like him! And thus he become an extension of your very need to protect her from that harm that is out there! My son-in-law knows that as much as he loves my daughter,sleeps with her every night and tries to love her as much as I! He will never love her in the way that I do,a father or a mothers love goes way farther that any young person can even fathom! So show her that love that you really feel,trust her,have her mother talk about birth control(because she is having sex at 19)  I raised my young daughter with-out her mother and I still could allways tell her that birth control was way cheaper than diapers! Don't use money as a substitute for love,or a force to take the place of love!     She loves you but can't understand why you would use money as a substitute for trust,love ,and understanding! I would love to see you say have a good weekend(don't drink and drive) be carefull and heres a 100.00 bill to put in your shoe! Love you and remember Whos your Daddy? Bob

Very well said.  I applaud you for raising your kids by yourself, even if you had to, it's nice to know there are good fathers around.  I wish I would have had one.

Quoted: Glassman you are a moron. Your "morality" is nothing more than manipulation and slavery. You are a control freek. God help your 13 year old. She certainly wont get it from you. You should never have given your daughter in college money from the begining with if you were going to use it to control her instead of giving it out of the kindness of your heart to help her get a start on her new life. Your parenting eneded when she turned 18 a year ago. You continued to give her money afterward. You either should never of done that or you should never of stopped untill she no longer needs it. You have driven a not only a wedge between you and your daughter, but probably between you and your wife as well. Just WHAT are you going to do when you find your wife is giving your daughter money behind your back? If she helped your daughter plan this trip can you honestly say she wont? What will you do when you catch her, divorce? And all this tells your 13 year old is that she will NEVER be emancipated. She can expect you to keep manipulating her long after she has left your house. When are you going to let your daughter go? Are you going to select her fiancee for her? Are you going to cut her off if she marries this guy without consulting you? How far are you going to take this obsecession? What are you going to do if she MARRIES this guy? He is probably going to consider you a prick for insulting him by pre-judging his character before you even met. People still do marry their first study parnters quite often. You need to get over treating the male population as a gang of sexual predators and start remembering that they are now potential SONS IN LAW.

With all due respect sir (and certainly more respect than you showed Glassman), you are wrong.  He is neither manipulating nor enslaving her.  He has emancipated her.  He has told her that she is now an adult and is free to make whatever decisions that she pleases.  She is also now free to accept the consequences of those decisions.  He did not shun her, rather he told her that he still loved her regardless of the decision that she made about her trip.

Glassman, you faced a tough decision, but I believe that you made the right call.

Your daughter knows you don't trust her anymore, don't expect the truth from here on out.

Quoted: Your daughter knows you don't trust her anymore, don't expect the truth from here on out.

And exactly what did he say that made you leap to that conclusion?

Quoted: Glassman you are a moron. Your "morality" is nothing more than manipulation and slavery. You are a control freek. God help your 13 year old. She certainly wont get it from you. You should never have given your daughter in college money from the begining with if you were going to use it to control her instead of giving it out of the kindness of your heart to help her get a start on her new life. Your parenting eneded when she turned 18 a year ago. You continued to give her money afterward. You either should never of done that or you should never of stopped untill she no longer needs it. You have driven a not only a wedge between you and your daughter, but probably between you and your wife as well. Just WHAT are you going to do when you find your wife is giving your daughter money behind your back? If she helped your daughter plan this trip can you honestly say she wont? What will you do when you catch her, divorce? And all this tells your 13 year old is that she will NEVER be emancipated. She can expect you to keep manipulating her long after she has left your house. When are you going to let your daughter go? Are you going to select her fiancee for her? Are you going to cut her off if she marries this guy without consulting you? How far are you going to take this obsecession? What are you going to do if she MARRIES this guy? He is probably going to consider you a prick for insulting him by pre-judging his character before you even met. People still do marry their first study parnters quite often. You need to get over treating the male population as a gang of sexual predators and start remembering that they are now potential SONS IN LAW.

Quoted: Quoted: Your daughter knows you don't trust her anymore, don't expect the truth from here on out. And exactly what did he say that made you leap to that conclusion?

She was honest about who she was going with out of town. He assumed the worst and gave her an ultimatum, so now she isn't going to tell him shit.  What part of that is hard for you to understand???

Being Your daughter is a SOPHMORE in college and 19, she's her own person whether you, me or anybody likes it or not.  Yeah it sucks, but life isn't fair.

What we've got here is obvious.  You and her have different views.  This "taking a stand" shit is only arguing/fighting now!  It's only going to drive a wedge between you, it's not going to change her.   She knew where you stood before and knew you wouldn't like it, which is why she didn't tell you much about the trip!  Probably more than anything, this was to try and keep relations smooth between the two of you.  I don't think she was crying about the money.  Unfortunately, I don't think you will be hearing anything more about any part of her life that involves guys, no matter how much it means to her.

If you want to maintain a good relationship from here on out, you are going to have to start treating her more like a good friend than a child.  How do you get along with a friend that supports gun control?  You try not to talk about guns and don't get into big arguments about it!!!  Lets get real, she isn't not exactly doing crack,  hooking, and fully supporting an abortion clinic by herself.  I think she might be worth keeping in the family.


She sounds like a good girl, and I think things need to be put in perspective.

1.  Shes IN COLLEGE
2.  She made it through her Freshman year
3.  She actually has a BOYFRIEND.  We all know college these days, and you know the alternative!!
4.  She is going on the trip with the BOYFRIEND.  Ditto on the alternatives...have you seen any Girls  Gone Wild videos??
5.  Although not married, young people these days DO have quality relationships and care for each other.....Ditto on the alternatives.

Quoted: I think you are being a dick. Yea, she should have given your more notice, but it feels like you're going overboard on this one. Are you flipping out because her bpyfriend is a schmuck or some kind of bad influence on her, or just because it's a boyfriend? She's going on a vacation, oh the horror! The horror! I may agree with you more when I have children of my own, but I believe you overreacted on this situation. The only way I'll agree with you on this is if the boyfriend is some crackfeind or something, or if you seriously think that he's using this as a method to get into her pants. How long have they been going out? What would did you do if when you were 19? Think back.....

Well UNTIL you have kids dont act like one calling someone a "dick" There is NOTHING and I mean NOTHING anyone can tell you to prep you for fatherhood. your emotions, train of thought and moral direction changes...INSTANTLY!

True, he cannot tell her how to behave because she IS an adult but if she wants to act as an adult she has to accept the ramifications of being one. Support from Dad being cut off is one of them. Im 36, do I DARE ask my dad for an allowance? HELL NO...besides... he cut me off financially last week.

Quoted: I have a 19-year old daughter and we are having some disagreement over decisions she has been making. I am very limited in what I can make her do, but I've made it clear that there are some things I cannot tolerate.  Also, I've tried to make her understand that being an adult doesn't mean having the freedom to do what you want; rather, it's having the freedom to do what you should.  That is, being responsible and making right choices. Frankly, there isn't much that can happen in Myrtle Beach that couldn't happen in her (or his) apartment.  As a Dad I hate to mention such things, but that's the way it is. It's not unreasonable that your financial support/allowance be conditional.  If it was me I'd probably withold funds until she demonstrates the ability to make sound decisions according to the morality she was raised in. Your call.

Can I say "Ding Ding Ding" We have a winner.
You already know what you should do and I believe you will do it.
Brohawk also said it very well.  You sound like you have done a great job of raising your daughter so far. She is in school and working.  While none of us want to think of our daughters having sex, she may very well be.  While that is not something you can control, (she is an adult) it is not something you have to condone or support financially.  The choice is hers, does she want to loose the financial "allowance" you are giving her permanately just so she can go to the beech with her boyfriend for a week?  If so have at it.  I would also not pay for a wedding for a daughter that lived with the boyfriend prior to marriage.  

Good luck it sounds like you have a wonderful daughter that may not have quite as high morals as you do. (Not saying she is immoral just things are different these days and most peoples morals are just not as high as they should be)

Quoted: 1.  Shes IN COLLEGE 2.  She made it through her Freshman year 3.  She actually has a BOYFRIEND.  We all know college these days, and you know the alternative!! 4.  She is going on the trip with the BOYFRIEND.  Ditto on the alternatives...have you seen any Girls  Gone Wild videos?? 5.  Although not married, young people these days DO have quality relationships and care for each other.....Ditto on the alternatives.

1.  Shes IN COLLEGE  And Daddy paid for it.

2.  She made it through her Freshman year And that means exactly what?

3.  She actually has a BOYFRIEND.  We all know college these days, and you know the alternative!! Umm gay marriage?

4.  She is going on the trip with the BOYFRIEND.  Ditto on the alternatives...have you seen any Girls  Gone Wild videos??Umm like that is a reassuring thought!.. Jesus are you 19?

5.  Although not married, young people these days DO have quality relationships and care for each other.....Ditto on the alternatives.Tell me again why he should pay for this frollic.

There is quite a group of advisors who "know what's best" because they have daughters.  Somehow the sperm they shot gave them insight and wisdom denied to those who are merely observers of human nature.
I shot my sperm and came up with a daughter, and then observed human nature and combined those to find that if you raised her right you trust her.  If you trust her, then that is unconditional, just like love.  

You do not trust your daughter and worse, her trust in you is now irreparably shot.  Well, may not irreparably:  30-40 years later she may come out of it.

Quoted: Quoted: 1.  Shes IN COLLEGE 2.  She made it through her Freshman year 3.  She actually has a BOYFRIEND.  We all know college these days, and you know the alternative!! 4.  She is going on the trip with the BOYFRIEND.  Ditto on the alternatives...have you seen any Girls  Gone Wild videos?? 5.  Although not married, young people these days DO have quality relationships and care for each other.....Ditto on the alternatives. 1.  Shes IN COLLEGE  And Daddy paid for it. 2.  She made it through her Freshman year And that means exactly what? 3.  She actually has a BOYFRIEND.  We all know college these days, and you know the alternative!! Umm gay marriage? 4.  She is going on the trip with the BOYFRIEND.  Ditto on the alternatives...have you seen any Girls  Gone Wild videos??Umm like that is a reassuring thought!.. Jesus are you 19? 5.  Although not married, young people these days DO have quality relationships and care for each other.....Ditto on the alternatives.Tell me again why he should pay for this frollic.

He hasn't proven that he IS paying for this trip, she DOES work, she does not live soley on daddies money. If she uses his money to pay for school and her money to pay for HER things.... He also never mentioned wether he TOLD HER when she left home that she would still be required to live according to his rules as long as she took money from him after she turned 18.  It would still be sick and manipulative, but if he expected her and her mother to know this telepathicly its doubly unfair. Original post copied below for refrence:

I realize as I grow older I am becoming more and more conservative, and what I thought was OK when I was younger I do not consider OK now. Situation.... I have a daughter who is 19 and a Sophomore in college. She has been living in her own apartment, and next year will share a house with 3 other girls. She also works to help pay her bills. I help pay for her college. I also give her a monthly allowance. She just informed me that she is going to Myrtle Beach for a week with her boyfriend, staying at a resort on the beach. My moral dilemma.....I do not think it is right for my unmarried daughter to go away with her boyfriend for a week. I realize she is old enough to make her own decisions, but at this point is this when I tell her that she is finally emanciapted and I stop supporting her? I am considering cutting off the allowance and telling her she is free to do what she wants but I have no obligation to support it. I will continue to help with the college. Thoughts?

Quoted: 1.  Shes IN COLLEGE  And Daddy paid for it.  And she is no doubt greatful and working hard. 2.  She made it through her Freshman year And that means exactly what?  She didn't drop out, she achieved it.  Have you ever been to college? 3.  She actually has a BOYFRIEND.  We all know college these days, and you know the alternative!! Umm gay marriage?  Umm no, banging random guys like there is no tomorrow. 4.  She is going on the trip with the BOYFRIEND.  Ditto on the alternatives...have you seen any Girls  Gone Wild videos??Umm like that is a reassuring thought!.. Jesus are you 19? Bang the GGW film crew, or hang out with BF for a week?  Not 19, but am firmly grounded in reality.  Thanks for the compliment. 5.  Although not married, young people these days DO have quality relationships and care for each other.....Ditto on the alternatives.Tell me again why he should pay for this frollic.Still don't get the picture do you?  It's not about the money.

Oh man, some of you guys are being way harsh!! Come on, the guy just wants to make sure he raises his kids right.  On the other end of the spectrum are parents who get their daughters on birth control at age 16 and say "Well, just be careful!".

Quoted:  On the other end of the spectrum are parents who get their daughters on birth control at age 16 and say "Well, just be careful!".

Such parents rarely have a problem compred to those who cannot crawl out of their crack pipe long enough to raise their kids and those who refuse to talk to their kids at all-or let anyone else- because that might "put thoughts into their heads". Its those two extremes that produce nearly all the JDs, drop outs, and teenage moms.

It also doesn't apply here because the girl in question is 19 and therefore a adult, however he choses to think about it.

Also, sometimes, if you are not a little rough people tend to forget what you say especally if its not what they want to hear.

Well, it's 3:50 AM and I am awake.  Only got a few good hours sleep.  Large thunderstorms woke me up and I can't sleep.  I'm still bothered by this situation.  Deep down I feel like I failed somewhere with her.  She knew and knows I would not approve of this yet chooses to do so anyway.  I do not mean the money to manipulative, but can understand why people would think it to be so.

I do not approve of this behavior, therefore do not have to support it.  At some point the line must be drawn.

Now I must be a man of my word and not judge her anymore as she is an adult and I have given her the reins to her life.

She is a wonderful girl and I am blessed to have a great daughter.

I am also a wonderful dad.  I have always supported her and loved her.  Helping to pay for her school is an honor for me.  I am truly giving her something that I never received.  I paid for my schooling 100%.....working and borrowing.  My parents could not afford to pay.

I know she has been using my money to help pay her rent, and has been socking her money in the bank.  This will hurt her some.  I have been giving her tuition money as each semester goes by.  When she returns I am going to hand her the balance of her college fund (several thousand dollars) so he can then budget herself over the next couple of years.

Again, as I grow older I become more conservative.  What I believe now is way different than when I was 19.  But at age 19 I was on my own, paying my own way, and did not have to answer to anyone.

I pray this has not driven a wedge between us.  I told her I love her, I'll always be there to help her out if she needs it, she is welcome to come over, etc etc.  Time will tell.

It is tough being a parent.  It is tough being true to your core values.  I may not know for a long time if I did the "right" thing.  I believe I did and must find a way to sleep good at night with that thought.

My thanks to all with opinions on this matter...both supportive and critical.  Hopefully someone else finds some "advice" here in the 90+ so replies.

Back to bed.........