Posted: 2/9/2012 2:20:40 PM EDT
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SO, I decided to take the plunge and propose again.
My first marriage was 2 years of bliss, then 2 years of hell, followed by an 18 month divorce process from hell. Learned WAY more than I wanted to with that one. This one is different. We dated for a few years, broke up, got back together, yada yada. The last 3 years we have been close friends. She is also about as opposite as my first wife as you could get. She fits me and my personality better. We are in NY, she has lived here her entire life aside from a few stints in other states, she is also Italian, so big family. Most are still here in NY. I am not worried about if I made the right decision or not, but she is 32 and this is her first marriage. I am worried about the bridezilla factor, cost, and venue. My thoughts on a ceremony is it's 2 people, it's a bond between 2 people. Having 200+ people at a wedding eating on my dime doesn't make sense. So, I have a couple of questions. Does anyone know of a good romantic place to have a wedding in western NY? It doesn't necessarily need to be a banquet hall or "typical" wedding location. We are pretty Atypical people anyways and something new would be cool. Food can be catered, etc. If you have been married twice or multiple times, what advice can you offer? What would you have done differently? The big one is I am not one to mix families. I moved to NY to get away from a lot of my family, and basically don't feel comfortable with certain ones coming to the wedding. How did you deal with people that expected to be invited but were not? And ANY ideas to lighten things up, make it fun, and help someone relax who doesn't like crowds or big social gatherings would be great. I am a serious prankster, so ones that aren't off the deep end would be cool. |
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First off, congrats! I've not been married (but was engaged, oy) but I do wedding photography and have a few tips of advice. If you are closer to the rochester part of western ny, there is an unusual at gallery called artisan works. They are a cool and unusual place for a wedding ( www.artisanworks.net ).
As for the family that expects to be invited, you can either not tell them, though that NEVER ends well, or you can tell them that it is a small and intimate event with not many family members because it's a day for her and you. And for the bridezilla factor, well you never know till it hits, I do have to say it's not usually the bride I've had to worry about but the brides mother. Just relax and enjoy the day. It really is her day more then yours so try and let her have what she wants. As many weddings as I have shot, I actually have had only 1 bridezilla, and she was not Italian at all, and came from money and everything had to be her way and perfect. |
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Quoted:
First off, congrats! I've not been married (but was engaged, oy) but I do wedding photography and have a few tips of advice. If you are closer to the rochester part of western ny, there is an unusual at gallery called artisan works. They are a cool and unusual place for a wedding ( www.artisanworks.net ). As for the family that expects to be invited, you can either not tell them, though that NEVER ends well, or you can tell them that it is a small and intimate event with not many family members because it's a day for her and you. And for the bridezilla factor, well you never know till it hits, I do have to say it's not usually the bride I've had to worry about but the brides mother. Just relax and enjoy the day. It really is her day more then yours so try and let her have what she wants. As many weddings as I have shot, I actually have had only 1 bridezilla, and she was not Italian at all, and came from money and everything had to be her way and perfect. Thanks for the Artisan works link, I had no idea they did weddings. Anything within driving distance of the rock is cool. I thought about sonnenburg gardens, nice but too expensive. Her mom isn't a problem, it is some of the sisters that have big money, had big weddings and might try to talk her into the importance of display (IE expensive) Her parents are totally cool. |
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Tag-scribe so I can input some in a little while. I'm in Western NY.
Okay here are some idea's Hickory Ridge in Holley NY, thats where my failed wedding reception was. Apple Tree Inn in ?Albion? Somewhere out in the Orleans County. Lumber Yard in Perry NY, Damn good prices but more important, amazing food. For small and cheaper, Hilton FD Exempts club has a nice building and what nots. They recommend a great caterer as well. |
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"This one is different" is the first place guys get into trouble.
PRENUPTUAL. You go on and on about what you want and don't want for a wedding- what about her? I'd suggest you ask what she wants- and go with it. If you have significant disagreements about that, think about what the future will bring. |
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I am not worried about if I made the right decision or not, but she is 32 and this is her first marriage. I am worried about the bridezilla factor, cost, and venue. My thoughts on a ceremony is it's 2 people, it's a bond between 2 people. Having 200+ people at a wedding eating on my dime doesn't make sense. It's the day they've spent their whole lives wishing for. If you try to use what you posted above as an excuse for going cheap, you might not like the response. |
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My wife and I decided that we would split the bill right down the middle so it was fair for both of us. She has a huge family, mine is tiny. It worked out, as she realized that if she invited her entire family, she'd go broke. In the end, we had like 65 people at our wedding, and spent a total of 10 grand (5K each).
Sometimes you need to mix practicality and reality with hopes and dreams. When it's your own money you're spending........you tend to look at things from a more realistic perspective. |
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Dont piss off da goombas in her family. Her family receptive to the fact its not your first marriage? Just curious. Italian weddings are huge. We will not settle for less. Endless booze, food and plenty of room to tarantella.  No kidding. I am married to an Italian. Italian weddings are quite an event. It might change as the generations roll on, but the families that are still only a generation or two removed from the old country take it pretty seriously. |
| All I'm sayin' hire a good photographer. I don't want another thread here a year from now complaining about the $300 guy you ordered from craigslist who showed up with disposable cameras or uncle Bob who shot the whole event on his Canon AE-1. That's where my knowledge ends. |
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All I'm sayin' hire a good photographer. I don't want another thread here a year from now complaining about the $300 guy you ordered from craigslist who showed up with disposable cameras or uncle Bob who shot the whole event on his Canon AE-1. That's where my knowledge ends. Skip the videography as well. Stick to a professional photographer that has a good rep. Wife wanted a video and it was AFU and the guy never finished editing it, but the Photographer we used was a pro and we have a few very well done photos that arent campy and I have no problem with them hanging on the wall. |
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All I'm sayin' hire a good photographer. I don't want another thread here a year from now complaining about the $300 guy you ordered from craigslist who showed up with disposable cameras or uncle Bob who shot the whole event on his Canon AE-1. That's where my knowledge ends. Skip the videography as well. Stick to a professional photographer that has a good rep. Wife wanted a video and it was AFU and the guy never finished editing it, but the Photographer we used was a pro and we have a few very well done photos that arent campy and I have no problem with them hanging on the wall. Video is becoming very popular and most photographers are starting to realize that it's do or die. What makes it easier is the fact that most wedding quality DSLRs also shoot HD video, so more of them are trying as the gear investment is minimal (this also means that more good photographers are shooting crappy video). Realistically, you need at least one person dedicated to shooting video if you intend to do it at the event. Another option is to shoot the rehearsal in video along with an "engagement" portion of the couple and then throw in some video of the reception so you are free to shoot the actual ceremony and reception. There are people out there who can do it well, just ask to see samples beforehand. |
| On y second wife, all I can say is, don't do it again. But, men don't listen to each other otherwise, we would never get married in the first place. If you doing it it in the summer months, try Chestnut Ridge park, its very informal and as fun as a wedding can be. My sister got married there, Judge Wolfgang did the ceremony, they we ate and played softball and went for a hike. |
| The problem these days is finding a good enough woman who's content to stick with you without marrying. There shouldn't be a need to make it a contract, it should be what you want to keep doing because you want to, not because you have to. Unfortunately too few think that way. |
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in traditional italian weddings it is the brides family that picks up the tab- what the hell it is one day that is a lot more special to the girls than the guys if her and her family want to blow 20k let them- not your problem really. So how would I tactfully bring up the question of if her family will foot the bill or not? Her family likes me a lot, but her parents aren't money. They are set, but not in a gated community if get my drift and her father and I talked a bit about what size wedding but not what gets paid for by whom. |
. Best of luck.
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in traditional italian weddings it is the brides family that picks up the tab- what the hell it is one day that is a lot more special to the girls than the guys if her and her family want to blow 20k let them- not your problem really. So how would I tactfully bring up the question of if her family will foot the bill or not? Her family likes me a lot, but her parents aren't money. They are set, but not in a gated community if get my drift and her father and I talked a bit about what size wedding but not what gets paid for by whom. If you are not currently close enough to openly discuss these types of issues without concern or fear, there is a serious issue. Ultimately the married couple is equally responsible for paying for the wedding and all expenses. Hey, once you're married, it doesn't matter if you pay 80% and she 20% right? It's all common money now. And if her dad decides to kick in some cash, that's a real bonus, but don't count on it. The concerns you've broached so far are a pittance compared to the real issues you'll face in a marriage. My opinion: if this is the type of stuff you're worried about, you shouldn't be getting married. |
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Well it's obvious some guys get burned and never see the light again.
I went through a drag out 18 month divorce and guess what. I got the house, I got to keep all of my stuff, and she got 50 bucks a month for 2 years. So don't worry, I am not scared of being married. She didn't get screwed either by any means. It was fair. It just took her 18 months and 9k in legal fees to realize that. I just want things to be smooth. As for the cost of the wedding, A LOT of people say in Italian families they brides family covers the cost because they like to have such elaborate weddings. I don't expect that at all, but breaching the subject would certainly help alleviate some of our concerns on planning. I have known the family for 7 years now and they are all in as far accepting me into the family is concerned. I am willing to pay for a small quaint wedding, and yes, that is a compromise with me reaching up to meet her expectations. If her family steps in and puts any pressure on her for more, that is the scenario I worry about and will talk to them about the cost. To me, money just isn't something you discuss so it's a new situation. She finally showed me the dress she wants, and her biggest concern is being able to have it altered to fit her bust. The price is WAY below what I was expecting so I might be anticipating more than necessary. |