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Posted: 2/10/2006 8:37:36 AM EDT
Having been hit by quite a few funnies over the last couple of days, I think it's about time for a UK joke thread........... Add one at your leisure....

I'll get the ball rolling......... ha ha

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that
despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a
night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the
show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to
'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off

to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep
for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm
shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your
right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me
shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No
problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are
absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and
Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer
willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept
with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet !".


Link Posted: 2/10/2006 3:03:18 PM EDT
A father is walking with his son around the year 2032 in lower Manhattan. As they explore the area the father explains to his son about the grandeur of the buildings and take on the sites. Suddenly they come to a beautiful park and plaza.

The son is so excited at the beautiful park and monuments and asks his Dad: "What are these monuments for?"

The father replies: "This park is dedicated to honour the Twin Towers and the memory of the people of New York."

"What are the Twin Towers?" asks the son.

Dad replies: "They were two very large 110 story buildings which stood here nearly 30 years until Arab Terrorists destroyed them."

"Dad, what is an arab?"
Link Posted: 2/10/2006 3:15:18 PM EDT





Link Posted: 2/10/2006 3:22:46 PM EDT
Going to bed the other night, I noticed someone in my shed stealing things. I phoned the police, but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over soon as possible.

I hung up. A minute later I rang again. “Hello” I said, I called a minute ago because there was people in my shed. You don’t have to hurry now, because I’ve shot them”.

Within minutes there were half dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters And an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red handed.

One of the officers said: I thought you said you shot them, to which I replied: I thought you said there was no one available.

Link Posted: 2/10/2006 3:25:48 PM EDT
New Fighting Force

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys, will be dropped off into Iraq having been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE, for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

Link Posted: 2/10/2006 3:28:14 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/10/2006 3:29:05 PM EDT by toemag]
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

:) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by

:-) and :-( respectively


Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:



(_!_) a regular ass



(__!__) a fat ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) a sore ass


{_!_} a swishy ass


(_o_) an ass hole


(_x_) kiss my ass


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass


(_$_) Money coming out of his ass


(_?_) Dumb Ass

Link Posted: 2/10/2006 3:31:02 PM EDT
A blonde was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and
couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you
find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila."

Instantly, and miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one!"

Link Posted: 2/11/2006 4:12:22 AM EDT
A lady from New York State, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of the natural splendor of her purchase so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a Bald Eagle that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. She told him what an environmentalist and anti-hunter she was and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the U.S. Forest Service, the Bureau of Land Management, NYS Department of Environmental Conservation, and the Adirondack Park Agency before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

"I'm sorry, but they all turned me down."
Link Posted: 2/13/2006 7:04:41 AM EDT
A few months ago, I upgraded from DrinkingMates 4.2 to Girlfriend 1.0
which I had been told for years wouldn't give me any trouble. However,
there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only
solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and
Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend 1.0 proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and
left a virus in my system,
forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run the new Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0
at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems
detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiance 1.0, only to discover that this
product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. Whilst Wife 1.0
tends to use up all my available resources,
it does at least come bundled with FreeSexPlus and CleanHouse 2006.

Shortly after this upgrade however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be
very unstable and extremely costly to run. Any mistakes I made were
automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and
can, without warning, launch MegaTurboStrop and Whinge 2. Worse still,
these latter products have no Help files, and I have to try and guess
what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly
requiring Adobe ShoeShop,
HandBag Searcher and Hairstyle Express, all of which need to be
reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to
my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-in-law,
which can't be turned off.

I've recently been tempted to install Mistress 2004, but there could
be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife
1.0 detects Mistress 2004; it tends to delete all of your money before
uninstalling itself.

Link Posted: 2/15/2006 11:22:59 AM EDT
This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to
open a freakin' checking account."

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a freakin' checking account right
now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him
about her situation.

They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem
here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the
lottery and I want to open a freakin' checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

Link Posted: 2/15/2006 12:59:40 PM EDT
Good un.......

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, here's the deal. You pay 10 dollars, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up,

so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"Pay first," says the bartender. "Those are the rules."

So, the customer puts $10 into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says, "Here's what you need to do. First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila. The whole thing, all at once, and you can't make a face. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90-year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot. I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

The man has a few drinks, then a few more, then finally asks,

"Wherrre's zaat tequil-l-la?"

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up. The people inside the bar hear a commotion, then they hear the pit bull barking, and the guy screaming, then the pit bull yelping, and then silence. Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into he bar. His shirt is ripped, and he has large, bloody scratches from head to toe.

"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
Link Posted: 2/16/2006 3:06:37 PM EDT
George awoke and shuffled into the kitchen. George’s wife, Kim, was already up and greeted him with a kiss and a pleasant “good morning”. Kim took a good look at George and said” You know George, you look awful, really awful- you alright?” George replied “I feel fine dear.”
Off to work George went. Throughout the day George continued to receive the same comments and concern from his fellow co-workers. “You look awful George- you alright?”. George replied that he felt fine. George’s boss took him aside mid-day and told George to go to the Doctor to get checked out. So, off the doctor George went.
“So George, what seems to be the problem” the doctor inquired.
“Well doc, it’s like this. All day people have told me I look awful and need to get checked out. The odd thing is Doc, I feel fine. What do you think?”
The Doctor pulled out a huge book from his bookshelf, placed it on the table and opened it up. The doctor poured through the pages until he came to one section. “Ah, here it is George. Hmmm, looks awful, feels fine… feels fine, looks awful.
George, you’re a cunt!”.

Taffy
Link Posted: 2/16/2006 3:36:30 PM EDT
Could not resist.......

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