Posted: 7/18/2006 10:16:03 PM EDT
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Ghost Sex A professor at Texas A & M Universitywas giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses,and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about yo ur experience." The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said GOATS!" |
Oh yea, leave it to me to be posting pictures of jugs!
<------- I dont understaa-aa-aa-aa-nd 
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Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by AF pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. +++ P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. +++ P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. +++ P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. +++ P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. +++ P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. +++ P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. +++ P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for. +++ P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. +++ P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. +++ P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. +++ P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. +++ P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. +++ P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. +++ And the best one for last.................. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget |
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Copied from www.strategypage.com/humor/articles/british.asp British Officer Fitness Reports The British Military writes EPRs which are officer fitness reports. The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206s"....
Source: "Jackspeak: The Pusser's Rum Guid to Royal Navy Slanguage" by Rick Jolly, 1989. |
After I moved up here, a friend sent this to me. The longer I stay, the funnier it gets!  Subject: You might be from the Pacific Northwest if you: Geography:
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Subject: Drug theft gone wrong A news article from a Florida Newspaper: When Nathan Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and even his watch. What they did take was a "generic white cardboard box filled with greyish-white powder." (That at least is the way the police described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said "it looked similar to cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time." Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago." The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. And there was a note that read: "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings." 
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Here's a few more of another helicopter - from www.snopes.com/photos/military/eaglecopter.asp EDITED - Go to the Snopes website to see the pictures.
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Sent to me by someone who has had kids... You find out interesting things when you have sons, like:
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Military wisdom > > > > A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when > you > least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's > left of > your unit." > > - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "Aim towards the Enemy." > > - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." > > - U.S. Marine Corps training manual > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs > are > > guaranteed to always hit the ground." > > - USAF Ammo Troop > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "If the enemy is in range, so are you." > > - Infantry Journal > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area > > you just bombed." > > - U.S. Air Force Pilot training manual > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously > never > > encountered automatic weapons." > > - General Macarthur > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." > > - Infantry Journal > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "You, you, and you ... panic. The rest of you, come with me." > > - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt. > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "Tracers work both ways." > > - U.S. Army Ordnance officer > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "Five second fuses only last three seconds." > > - Infantry Journal > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." > > - David Hackworth > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "If your attack is going too well, your walking into an > ambush." > > - Infantry Journal > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." > > - Joe Gay > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." > > - Anonymous > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." > > - Unknown Marine Recruit > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." > > - Your Buddies > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." > > - USAF Ammo Troop > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death... > > I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." > > - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base, Kadena, > Japan > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." > > - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot) > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean > than > > submarines in the sky." > > --From an old carrier sailor > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's > probably a > > helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe." > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "When one engine fails on a twin-engine > > airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the > scene of > > the crash." > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and > pilots? > > If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; > > If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies." > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "Never trade luck for skill." > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in > aviation > > are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where the hell are we?" and "Oh > Shit!" > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers." > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a > pilot > > pregnant." > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up > there!" > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag > for the > > purpose of storing dead batteries." > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your > plight to a > > person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing > anything about > > it." > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral > will be > > held on a sunny day." > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) > seems > > inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in > the > > vicinity as slowly and gently as possible." > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just > barely > > kill you." > > - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you." > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in > peacetime." > > - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do > not go > > near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by > the > > appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar > space. It > > is much more difficult to fly there." > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, > having torn > > off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck > arrives, > > the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?". > > The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" > > - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot) |