Posted: 9/1/2006 10:06:55 AM EDT
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A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?" The dad asked him, "Before or after sex?" "Ummm, before sex," the kid replied. The dad said, "Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?" "Yeah," said the son. "Well, what about after sex?" His dad replied, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?" |
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An elderly couple in a well used pickup pull into a gas station, in Cincinnatti, OH. They pull up to the full serve pump. While filling the tank, the attendant starts to make small talk. Spotting the out of state plates, he asks where they are from. The husband replies, Paducah, Kentucky. His wife, obviously hard of hearing shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?" The husband replies " he asked where we are from" The attendant asks if they are on vacation? The husband replies "off to see her family", and the wife pipes up "WHAT DID HE SAY?" The husband tells her "he asked if we are on vacation". The attendant asks how far they have to go? The husband says "Cleveland". The attendant says "Cleveland. I hate that place. The traffic, The stink of the mills, everything about that place. Worst piece of ass I ever had was in Cleveland." The wife asks 'WHAT DID HE SAY?" The husband replies " HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOUR SISTER!" |
I guess I'm not a stunned as you are because I am used to it..  |
Shoot, are you kidding? I'm used to it here too... I just like the banana. 
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I know.. I had to steal that banana for the future..I laugh my ass off when I see it..
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  Where do you come up with this stuff?? No wonder you and Wolfpack get along.... 
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he does a lot of "research".. |
OH MY HELL...That is some funny stuff! Reminds me of..... |
Your b-day party 
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Maybe if you take the vomiting part out... 
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Montana cowboy A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,"Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBCconnected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" You're a Congressman for the U. S. Government", says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know shit about cows... this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my damn dog! |