Posted: 1/15/2009 10:45:14 AM EDT
|
Thought I'd take a break from chomping avatars and doom and gloom, and share a little story...
So there I was...walking back to my jeep after a night filled with Indian Food, Beer, and Nookie. I was tired, a little hungover, and ready to make the trek back to Sammamish, and my warm bed in yuppieville. Only one problem: about 18 blocks of U-district stood between me and the safety and warmth of my trusty 1998 jeep cherokee.... As I started out...all was well. That is until I heard the mumbling: The U-district has been invaded by zombies - and no one knows it. I'm pretty sure I heard at least one of these shaking, stumbling, foot dragging maniacs mutter "Brains...." as I casually passed him as if he was nothing out of the ordinary. Torn clothes, bloodshot eyes, crazy hair...walking with a limp...eyes staring at nothing and everything all at once...surely these must be the brain eating, eyeball gouging nightmares I've seen in the movies. Wait...whats that? Someone gave one of these raving lunatics a hose! And hes learned how to use it! I hurriedly cross the street as he sprays wildly into the air, shrieking with what I take to be utter Zombie joy. Let him have his hose...at least he isn't gnawing on my cranium. I'm almost half way there, and I've already confirmed six of these beasts...more if I count the shadows that seem to move between bushes, dumpsters, and dark alleyways. Oh no...another one. What is he doing? I look closely...squinting in the dark. He bends over and starts to fiddle with something on the ground...playing a dangerous game of balance and reach....balance and reach...over and over again. He reaches again for the white object as I realize what he is trying to grasp. I think to tell him smoking kills...but what am I thinking...get a grip Dravis...hes already dead you idiot! I hurry by him before he realizes the tasty morsel that is my cerebral cortex is just feet away. I'm almost there now...I can see the glowing Safeway sign just over the rooftops ahead. It promises sanctuary, and I pick up the pace. Somehow I have completely avoided detection...not even a glance or muttering of incoherence in my direction. I'm going to make it...I'm going to live! Oh no...my heart sinks.... Just ahead...a group of them...they can't be avoided. They are in my only route of escape. I cant evade them...I walk closer...close enough to see the Georgetown University hat of a UW student. I let out a sigh of relief. These are the safe kind of zombies, my spirits lift...I glance over as one laughs, peeing on his buddies shoes. Strange liberal zombies, these ones... I've made it to my jeep now...I'm safe....for tonight.... Be careful out there...and watch your six... |
|
BS and a TOTAL FAILURE... Any true ARFCOM member that found zombies would draw their carry piece and start taking headshots. Then they would pick up the phone and dial up their ARFCOM brothers to join in zombie killing. You know, this could mean the banhammer !
... well if it wasn't such an entertaining story. Oh, and we'll need pics of the chicky snack you claim to have gotten nookie from. It could save you from the ban if she's hot..... and naked! |
|
I dealt with it every day for 4 years, I used to work at University Audi.
We had a zombie come in the shop one day and demand money from the shop foreman. The foreman whipped out a 36" breaker bar and told him to get the fuck out of there. Luckily he left, and there were no bum fights in the shop that day. |
A Guide to Seattle Zombies
The Lazy Zombie Typically not dangerous, they can be found under overpasses, in alleys, and on benches during the day. Most likely heard muttering "Change...." while pissing on walls. Do not engage in conversation or you will never get rid of them. When approached make strong eye contact and look mean, this is usually enough of a deterrent to prohibit them from starting conversation/eating your brains. Not dangerous unless offered money. 
Militant/Organized Zombies Typically extremely dangerous. Do NOT make eye contact unless armed. At first sight of the zombie attempting speech, make sure to break all contact and walk in the other direction. Best bet is not give them hoses, they tend to wield them as weapons against the invisible monsters that attack them in the midst of a drug crazed frenzy. Most often found screaming "FUCK!" at the top of their lungs at nothing in particular.Moderately to mildly dangerous, worse when in packs. 
King Zombie Seen here right before he ate poor Tanya's brains out of her skull, this is one of the most dangerous zombies in the greater Seattle area. Some refer to him as the king of zombies. Said to lack any common sense whatsoever, he has organized the rest of the zombies into a conglomerate planning to ban all anti-zombie weapons within city limits. My studies show that self preservation is his main motivation and this does show some level of intelligence. Extremely dangerous. Recommend flamethrower. 
College Co-ed Zombie Typical example. Note the bright dress and obama hat...both a sign of poor intelligence. Most often found outside clubs for lack of cover charge money, in line at Jack in the Box with a pocketful of change, or hitting on your girlfriend while you are at the bar and taking a piss. Good at screaming at televisions and acting smart, they are not to be trusted. Laughably easy to avoid as the stupid hats and pink polo shirts are easily spotted. Not dangerous, but best avoided if possible. Intellectual conversation defeats them easily if contact unavoidable. |
|
Quoted:
I'm almost there now...I can see the glowing Safeway sign just over the rooftops ahead. It promises sanctuary, and I pick up the pace. Somehow I have completely avoided detection...not even a glance or muttering of incoherence in my direction. I'm going to make it...I'm going to live! Oh no...my heart sinks.... 
I know this nookie story is fake because you didn't mention getting a ticket for parking in the lot behind Safeway. 
Yeah....and this is experience talking. |
|
Quoted:
Quoted:
I'm almost there now...I can see the glowing Safeway sign just over the rooftops ahead. It promises sanctuary, and I pick up the pace. Somehow I have completely avoided detection...not even a glance or muttering of incoherence in my direction. I'm going to make it...I'm going to live! Oh no...my heart sinks.... 
I know this nookie story is fake because you didn't mention getting a ticket for parking in the lot behind Safeway. 
Yeah....and this is experience talking. Exactly the reason I didn't spend the night...didn't want A) a ticket, or B) a zombie breakin. And I have proof...she lives in a basement with 6 Japanese exchange students. If that isn't inside knowledge, I don't know what is. Find the one whos door I accidentally knocked on for proof.
|
|
Quoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
I'm almost there now...I can see the glowing Safeway sign just over the rooftops ahead. It promises sanctuary, and I pick up the pace. Somehow I have completely avoided detection...not even a glance or muttering of incoherence in my direction. I'm going to make it...I'm going to live! Oh no...my heart sinks....
I know this nookie story is fake because you didn't mention getting a ticket for parking in the lot behind Safeway.
Yeah....and this is experience talking. Exactly the reason I didn't spend the night...didn't want A) a ticket, or B) a zombie breakin. And I have proof...she lives in a basement with 6 Japanese exchange students. If that isn't inside knowledge, I don't know what is. Find the one whos door I accidentally knocked on for proof. Fuck, I was out of my car for 11 minutes once (picking up take out from the bar) and got a ticket! I even sent in my copy of the Safeway receipt to contest it, but they didn't care. 
|
And here I was last Saturday night, sitting in that Safeway parking lot, waiting for the last of our drinking comrades to arrive via KCMetro, and I kept thinking: "So far there's six of us, now where's that place he was talking about with the 6 oriental gals living in the basement?"
  
|
|
I thought about this thread the other night watching the news...
Zombie (Tag) Outbreak at UW |
|
Quoted:
And here I was last Saturday night, sitting in that Safeway parking lot, waiting for the last of our drinking comrades to arrive via KCMetro, and I kept thinking: "So far there's six of us, now where's that place he was talking about with the 6 oriental gals living in the basement?" 11th and somewhere in the vicinity of 42nd - not getting any more detailed than that
When all else fails, find one and repeat domo arigato! over and over until they start giggling. At that point, your in. |
|
Quoted:
All those student houses around there are like that. Old bldgs converted to fit 6 different "rooms" in the basement to sell living space. Welcome to every college neighborhood.  I'm assuming he is referring to the homeless, not the college students, but I could be mistaken. The U District is packed with homeless people. The younger ones are referred to as Ave Rats and they reek! I was roaming through there one morning when I was in college (many years ago) and one of these Ave Rats asked if I wanted to get shot. I'm pretty sure that's a rhetorical question. I told the police officer who was about 100 feet away and that guy went to jail. He didn't have a gun, but had a concealed knife large enough that they could haul him away. I also witnessed someone being shot in a church parking lot in the U. District. Luckliy, it this guy just took one round to the leg. It gave him a nice limp. |
Has anyone else noticed that they gave Strat (aka. Bill) a starring role in Left 4 Dead?
|