Posted: 2/4/2015 9:09:20 AM EDT
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Just a brief update, if I may. Mom passed away last night in her sleep. I take great comfort knowing the hospice people made sure she was comfortable in her final days. Mom got her wish 2 weeks and a day from the time she looked the doctor in the eyes and said... "Please, let me die. I don't want to live like this". We supported her all the way. Truly an amazing woman. We will celebrate her life and have loving memories of her always.
I love you, mom. Sorry guys, but I need to get this out there. I have amazing support from my sammich maker, but sometimes it helps to reach out to others to get things off ones chest. I don't mean for this to be a downer, but I haven't slept much in the last few weeks, nothing the last couple days, and just need to open up. Last month I moved my 91 year old dad and 89 year old mom into an assisted living place in Napa Valley. This was to be their final home before "moving on". Mom was excited as heck moving there, as she is no longer able to care for dad (he has alzheimers), and the place they moved to would be there to help them both with showering, dressing, etc., basically getting through the day. My mom is a tough old broad, At 79 she had a heart valve replaced (told the docs to put in the titanium valve in lieu of the pig valve because she planned on living a looooooong time), and the day they did that she was sitting up in bed cheering on her basketball team in the playoffs that evening, then a couple years ago they took out about a foot of her intestine due to cancer, and she bounced back almost immediately. Fast forward to now.... since moving, she has only been able to live in her new place a few days. First, she was hospitalized for a low sodium level. I had no idea how dangerous that can be, but found out when she was in the hospital for a couple weeks while they slowly brought her levels up. It really kicked her butt, and after a couple weeks she was moved to a nursing home. Well, just as they were ready to send her home from the nursing home, she was having difficulty breathing. Turns out to be heart failure. This freaked her out and began letting us (her kids) know her final wishes. We informed her that heart failure can be treated with meds and that seemed to calm her down and get her back on track for some recovery, albeit limited. So after a week or so in the hospital, they move her back to the nursing home. I got a call yesterday from my sister that she was heading back to the ER due to difficulty breathing (heart stuff again), and that she asked my sister to tell me to move up my plans to go visit her in Napa. So I will be telling work today that I am leaving for an undetermined amount of time starting tomorrow, to help care for mom and give my sister a bit of a break. This shit scares the hell out of me. Mom has never said anything like that until recently, but it seems as though her recent health issues have taken the fight out of her. I do plan on having some one on one time with her so we can clear the air about a few things from the past (I was a shit of a kid and put my parents through hell), but I think more than anything, I am going to tell her to let go if she has no fight left and is tired of being prodded and bounced around, that we (the kids) will be ok with that. She and dad have done so much with their lives and have given like no other I have ever known. The list of what they accomplished is beyond impressive,,,, I won't list everything, but I will mention that dad retired at 47, was invited to meet the pope when he came to L.A. many years ago, and I have a pile of photos of them with presidents going back to Carter. Heh, one of my favorite photos is of them with Regan..... Regan had a look of pain as he was shaking moms hand... very funny all due to perfect timing. Anyway, I vent because obviously I have never lost a parent, yet it appears as though that time is coming sooner rather than later and I don't know what to do or how to deal with it. Thanks for lending me your ears, have a great day. Sorry for the ramblings, but I needed to get this out there..... |
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Fight the good fight brother.
My dad passed at age 56 from a pulmonary embolism. He was in a motorcycle wreck and messed up his leg pretty good. He was doing great until two weeks after the surgery to repair his leg. He threw a clot and it went straight to his lungs. I am a paramedic and use to dealing with tragedy and death but there is nothing that can ever prepare you for the loss of a parent or sibling. It's a hard thing to wrap your head around. When my dad's parents died, he said at the ceremony that he was an orphan again because that's truly how he felt. But he also found confront in the fact that they all had had a good life together and that they had taught him about life and love. He payed tribute to his parents and memorialized them until his own death. As much as it hurt for my dad to pass, he told me earlier in life that that was what is supposed to happen and that he couldn't live knowing that his kids went before him. He also said that after death, that "we all move up a notch" meaning it's what's supposed to happen and we are all just waiting our turn. He was a bit morbid at times....lol. What you have going for you is that it sounds like mom and dad have lived a long healthy life up until now and I would find a lot of comfort in that. I would give anything to have my dad here now at the age of 90 but I know it's all relative. Your "normal" is going to change, that's inevitable. There is really nothing to soften the blow because when they pass, it never stops hurting but it does stop hurting less often. My friends would say "your holidays must suck without your dad here?". My answer to that was "Tuesdays suck without him" and that it didn't have to be a holiday for me to miss him. I don't buy the "they are in a better place" mentality because the better place is always here with me and my family. My dad taught me how to laugh at myself, treat others with kindness and how to be a man that is self reliant and squared away. Even in death he teaches me things about myself I didn't know. I still have hundreds of questions I wanted to ask him about his life but didn't get to. I pay tribute to him just as he did to his parents and realize that I have "moved up a notch". My dad's favorite book was The Prophet. In that book they talk about kids being "a living arrow" to go beyond the bow, the "bow" being the parent. You have to be a living arrow for your mom and dad and champion for them in life and in death. I appreciate you posting this, it forced me to think about things I didn't allow myself for a few months. I hope you and your family find confront, love and laughter in these challenging times. |
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deepest condolences....having been through similar patches, say what you need to but mist importantly LISTEN.
She will fight as long as she wants and no one will change that. My Grandmother fought and fought for decades...then called us and said "I want to go home..." we checked her out of the facility and she let out everything she wanted to say to/about anyone. When she finished talking she took a deep breath and exhaled her last. It was a truly peaceful experience. Keep your head up, and do your best...so sorry you have to go through this |
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Actually your in good shape. Looks like your parents have told you what is going on (not like mine) and thats good. Yes you have do what takes to save them, but its probably not going to make a difference. I'm not a spring puppy by no means (I'm 72). When my father passed away,my Mother NEVER would say that he had cancer (Note he was a life long smoker and didn't quit until they gave him chemo). But he didn't want anything else. He wanted to do what he wanted until he died. I always said that he did what he wanted. The sad news was, that I & my son were not there when he needed us the most. My mother hid his disease, She said GO HUNTING, because she knew that my son and myself loved to go hunting (Had elk tickets). By the time we got back, he had 1 hr left - I needed more, but it wasn't going to happen. So At least you have a chance to be there when its needed. Do it |
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I'm not looking for attention by posting this (I don't want it), I'm mostly a lurker, but your post just inspired a response from me...
I lost my father at the age of 8. He was 44. He had a heart attack and was just gone before I knew it. My wife and I lost our twin baby boys, one at 10 days and the other at 6 months in 2011. I lost my mother in 2012, she had a stroke and never really recovered. We had about 3 days before she passed. My point here is they are still alive! You have the unusual (in my experience) chance to say goodbye and prepare. I am not saying they are going soon, and I don't wish it to be so. But make their wishes happen. Spend time with them. Tell them everything you've always wanted to tell them NOW, don't wait... you'll regret it. And some very serious advice, find a bereavement councelor if they pass. Just do it. Don't be too much of a man and think you can handle it, you can't. Don't ask me how I know... You can also see a counselor about their condition. You said that you don't know how to deal with it, that's where the counselor will help you the most. I'm glad you opened up, it's a start. Don't hold things in, they will eat you from the inside out and your sammich make wont understand... next thing you know, you aint gettin no sammich... I wish you and your family the best. |
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Thanks to all for the words and the sharing of experiences. I do appreciate being allowed to express myself here.
The latest is the since my arrival here in Napa on Thursday night, my mom is slowly getting her wish to be allowed to move on. She is with hospice and they are doing an awesome job of making sure she gets her wishes carried out. She is so at peace with her decision. I think what really set her free is when I got to her on Friday morning, she was alert and quite lucid. My sister and I had a talk with her letting her know that dad is being well taken care of (he is in a memory care portion at the assisted living home due to his alzheimers), and that the doctors were ready to release her so she too could go home. First we had a meeting with the doctors and care givers from the hospice, which was a true eye opening experience. They spoke with mom in depth to explain how they were there to ensure she gets he wishes carried out, as well as spoke with my sister and I to let us know they are there to support and be available to us as well. The compassion, genuine compassion of these people is off the charts. Once the meetings were over mom asked me when she would be able to go home. I let her know it could be that day, or at the latest it would be the next day, Saturday, but we needed to make sure everything was at her home (hospital bed, oxygen, comfort pack) etc. Once we knew all of that was in place, hospice would line up the transportation since she is unable to sit up, let alone walk, so she would have to be transported in an ambulance. It turned out that it would be saturday before she could go home, due to all the logistics of ensuring her room was ready. We wanted the move to be seamless. So on saturday, I went to the hospital to oversee the moving of my mom. When I got to the hospital she wasn't waking up, per se. She was "sleeping" with her eyes just over half open, looking up, and her mouth moving as if she were having a conversation. They got her home and situated, people from hospice came to have some papers signed, get to know mom and us, write her orders for her comfort pack of meds, and go over everything with us and the staff at the assisted living home. We stayed with mom a few hours, occasionally going to check in with dad, then back to be with mom. On Sunday mom was alert a little. She smiled when we walked in, smiled when I kissed her on her forehead, and could let us know if she was thirsty or not when we asked her. Today, she was a little more alert than yesterday and actually was able to eat a little. She spoke a bit, but still incredibly weak. The hospice case worker came by to introduce herself and let us know her role, and that she would be coming by a couple times a week to check on mom. While she was there she felt it was in moms best interest of being comfortable to start giving her small doses once a day of morphine due to the congestive heart failure filling her lungs with fluid, as the morphine would help her relax and not become panicked. I know mom is in good hands, and she will be kept comfortable until she is able to pass on. But I am facing having to leave her to go back home, and I am not sure how to say goodbye, I know on one hand I am lucky to have the opportunity to say goodbye, but I can't get past the whole thing of knowing this is going to be the last time I will see her alive. I know I won't be able to get through our parting without breaking down. Just thinking about it tears me to pieces. I did use some one on one time with her to clear the air about a few things that had been eating at me for many years. Being the kind soul she is, she let me know we had a similar conversation several years ago, and that she knows nothing I ever did or said was because I hated them or was because I was a bad person, but rather I was going through a time where I had to find myself, and that they were allowing me to do it on my terms. Remarkably, they did just that, loved me the entire time, and waited for me to pull my head out of my ass and were standing there with open arms and hearts. Like I told my mom, I am a lucky man, a grateful man, and a proud man....... I have been so blessed to have them as my parents. |
| Hey I just wanted to say that I just went through this with my great uncle who had no other family. I am truly sorry that you have to go through this and if you would like to talk as well you can IM me and I can give you my number. the only thing I would suggest is that your mother( if she doesn't already) have a will prepared. its really for your and your siblings benefit but it would makes a world of difference. Again sorry you have to go through this |
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Prayers out for you buddy. If you need anything, I'm just a phone call away.
Went through similar with my dad back in 99. Dad had a heart transplant back in 86. Well after 13 years with the new heart, it was time. He had come down with pneumonia. I took him to the hospital on a Monday morning and went to work that afternoon. He was admitted and got a room. By that afternoon he was taking a turn for the worse. I got a call at work to get to the hospital. I got there about 7 at night. Doctor's advised a medically induced coma to help him heal. We all agreed and by Friday we had to make the decision to pull the life support. Hardest decision I've ever made. I am glad you had the chance to see your parents and get squared away. |
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Quoted:
Hey, I know how you feel. My mother passed on last week on the 4th. My dad died last year in May. It hurts, but you just have to keep them in your memories of the good times. That's what I try and do. It helped talking about it on line as well. |
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God Bless you. I did the same with my Mom who died in a hospice, she was ready to go to Jesus. Then surprisingly bot my brother and sister passed away over the next 3 years.
Here is what I was advised to do and it was good advice, when you are sad think about a nice moment you shared with her. Believe it or not you will actually begin to chuckle a bit as you remember the incident. I found this particularly helpful at night. I'm religious so just pray once in a while. |
My condolences.  My Mom was 92 when she died in Hospice December 2013 and I was with her at the time. My older Brother also died in Hospice about 4 years previously, but I wasn't there at the time, I was about an hour late.
It's a rough time, but it will get better, just concentrate on your other family and your daily activities and though it takes time, the pain does fade. I still miss them both. |