Posted: 7/28/2005 7:31:13 AM EDT
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1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is: "FEE! - niks." (?) 2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00a to 10:00a. The evening rush hour is from 3:00p to 7:00p. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning. 3. The minimum acceptable speed on all freeways I-10, I-17, U.S. 60, Loop 202 -- is 85 mph. You may only exceed that speed on Loop 101, where the speed is allowed to match the highway number. Anything less is considered wussy. 4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. Cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go next at a four-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires go after that. (Note: East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.) 5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. 6. Never honk at anyone. Ever..... Seriously.! 7. Construction is a permanent fixture in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting. 8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as dogs, barrels, cones, horses, shredded tires, snakes, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items. 9. You must know that "Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the I-10" are all the same road. 10. To find anything in Phoenix, it is required to know where Central and Washington are. This is our Alpha and Omega-the Beginning and the End. 11. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated." 12. If you are in the left lane, and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. 13. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city driving. 14. You are allowed to wear potholders to protect your hands and fingers during the summer. |
On number 8, depending where you are in the valley, you need to add migrant workers, and or drunk Indians. I used to live off of lehi, and there were several times I came around the bend and nearly hit an off reservation Indian stumbling down the middle of the road.  And out in Queen Creek you can add hay bales to that list as well... |
 Thats some funny shit, im gonna have to save this. Thanks
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I find that my small manueverable car is well suited to avoiding the Large Land-Craft many people around here drive, including SUVs and Cadallacs snow birds are driving at about the same speed as if pulled by horses. If you drive a small car your best bet is to drive fast and aggressively around larger vehicles as they won't pay attention to you being there anyway. |
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Don't forget that it is required one come to a complete fucking stop on the freeway to stare at blue hard hats, buckets, diapers, carboard boxes, and police on the side of the road, completely off the freeway lanes. It is also mandatory that you burn the shit out of your forearm at least once weekly by setting it on the door panel and forgetting it's hot enough to boil oil. |
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Those are good. Here is a list I stole and re-wrote for accuracy last year: 1. Turn signals give away your next move, a real AZ driver never uses them. 2. Never leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled by someone else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation. 3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit. 4. Braking should either be done hard & late, or as early and as slow as possible, including brake riding to annoy other drivers. 5. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. 6. Speed limits mean drive that speed or faster. Those driving slower eventually get killed in road rage incidents. 7. Make sure the slow people line up in the left and middle lanes. When someone goes to pass on the right, a car in front should immediately slam on their brakes, slow to 2-4mph and make a right turn. 8. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or someone changing a tire on the side of the road, it doesn’t even have to be on the road you are on. 9. All lane changing should be done just feet from stopping at a red light by cutting off anyone necessary. 10. The goal of every AZ driver is to always get there first by whatever means possible.  |
