Posted: 11/25/2004 2:20:21 PM EDT
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A soldier, a sailor, an airman, and a marine get into an argument about what armed force is the best. The argument gets so heated that they fail to see an on-coming truck. They are hit and killed instantly. When they arrive in heaven, they see Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. So they decide he can settle their argument. They walk up and ask him, "Saint Peter, what Military Service is the best?" He thinks for a moment, then says, "Well, I'm afraid I can't tell you. But I'll tell you what. I'll talk to God next time I see Him, and I'll find out for you. In the mean time, welcome to heaven." So they enter. Later, they see Saint Peter while walking around, and they ask him about their question. But before Saint Peter can say anything, trumpets blare, a bright light shines, and a white dove flies out of the light with an envelope in it's beak. Saint Peter says, "Ah, here's the answer from the Boss." He takes the letter, and the dove flies off. He opens it, trumpets play, gold dust flies up, and Saint Peter reads aloud: FROM THE DESK OF GOD TO: SOLDIERS, SAILORS, AIRMEN, AND MARINES RE: WHICH SERVICE IS BEST. Dear Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines, All branches of the United States Armed forces are truly honorable. One should take pride in serving with the Military. You are all well-trained men, all capable of pulling off your job exceedingly well. Therefore, there is no superior service. Sincerely, God, USMC (Ret.) |
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An Army Sgt. Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says,"My name is Sgt. Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!" The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best girl they have for him. Sgt. Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect. The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that. The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE!" His penis immediately goes limp.The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for another demonstration. The Sgt. Major says, "I'm a master of my mind and body,DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" (a raging hard-on once again), and he follows this display of prowess with the command of, "DICK, AT EASE!" (His penis goes limp once again). The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration yet again. The Sgt. Major shouts, "I've already told you honey, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" His penis becomes immediately erect, and then he gives the following command,"DICK, AT EASE." The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier, DICK, AT EASE!" Once again, his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and says,"I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE!" No luck, his penis is still hard. He yells, "Damn it!" and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute asks, "What the hell is going on?" The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!!!" |
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While on a mission in an African nation, a fellow became friends with a local cannibal. Years after his departure he sent a letter to his cannibal friend stating that he would be back in country soon for a visit. This news excited the cannibal so he decided to treat his guest with a special feast upon his arrival. He went to his wife and asked,"cannibal wife, what do we have for a special dinner once my friend arrives?" The wife looked around and replied, "hmm...it looks like we have a few arms, a few legs, and a couple of torsos." "That just won't do. I think I'll take a trip to the cannibal butcher's shop," said the cannibal. "Cannibal butcher, do you have anything special for me to cook? I have a very good friend who will be visiting me soon." The cannibal butcher responded with, "why yes I do! I just got a shipment of brains in this morning." "Brains! That's perfect! What kind are they?" asked the smiling cannibal. "Well, let's see...I have Army brains for $1 per pound, Navy brains for $2 a pound, Air Force brains for $3 per pound, and Marine brains for $100 a pound." "Marine brains for $100 per pound?! Why are they so expensive?" asked the surprised cannibal. "Are you kidding me? Do you realize how many Marines it takes to get a pound of brains?" 
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100 men go down on a Sub, 50 couples come up. The Navy moves troops to the beach, the Marines take the beach, the Army guards the beach, and the Air Force builds resorts on the beach. "A Marine company is walking down a street and a squad leader yells out that "There's a Ranger in the way." An officer sends the squad to kill the Ranger. The Ranger runs down into a ridge and and the squad follows. The officer hears screaming, then he see's the Ranger pop out and brush himself off with only dust on himself. Seeing this the officer sends a Platoon to kill the Ranger. Once again he runs down into the ridge and reappeers after more screaming. The officer getting frustrated sends in all but the 2nd in command to kill the Ranger. once again the Ranger runs into the ridge and then a Marine comes out screeming and bloodied, the officers ask what happend. Then the Marine replys, "ITS A TRICK THERES TWO OF THEM!!!!!"" Back in 1947 the government was experimenting with a Marine's ability to complete his mission after suffering a serious head injury. They took a well trained, physically-fit, hard-charging Cpl. and told him to row a canoe up a river. The Cpl. jumped in the canoe, started rowing up stream with ease and began singing, "From the Halls of Montezuma, To the Shores of Tripoli." The next day a team of surgeons performed a frontal lobotomy on the Marine. Again, they took him to the river and said' "row." Again the Cpl. jumped in, took a second to find his seat, started rowing with a little difficulty and began singing. It took a little more effort this time, "From Da Hallls of Montayuma, Two Da Stores in Tripoli." But he made it up river and completed the task. The next day the surgeons removed the majority of the Marines brain and took him to the river. The Cpl. jumped in, fell out, and began swimming up stream, singing "For Da Hails of Monte puma, to 'e hall inn monopoly." But again, he made it up river and completed his task. The next day the surgeons removed the remainder of the Marines brain. He had no brain what-so-ever and no way to think logically. They took him to the river. He fell out of the car and began singing, "Hear we go, Into the wild blue yonder...." 
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By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me." |
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General MacArthur did not like Marines; so when he arrived at the Pearly Gates, he asked St. Peter if there were any Marines in heaven. St. Peter assured him that there were none. The General then asked directions to his quarters and was told that they were three blocks ahead and to make a right. That would take him to his lodgings. The General, corn cob pipe gripped firmly in his teeth, boldly strode down three blocks and turned right only to see a Marine in dress blues directing traffic at the next intersection. Upset, the General stormed back to St. Peter saying, "I thought you told me there were no Marines here." St. Peter said, "Let me guess. You saw a Gunnery Sergeant in dress blues with a lot of hash marks directing traffic?" "Correct," replied the General. "Don't worry," said the saint, "that's God. He just thinks he's a Marine." |
 We are thinker than the smart we are 
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A sailor dressed in his dress whites was in an airport waiting for a flight when a little boy came running up. "Mister, wow! Can I wear your hat?" So the sailor lets the little boy run around, wearing his white sailor hat. Just then, the little boy sees an Army Ranger in dress greens walk in the terminal. Still wearing the sailor's hat, the boy runs up to the Ranger. "Mister, can I wear your beret?" The Ranger looks down at him and growls, "Suck my dick!" and turns to walk off. "Oh, no, sir," says the little boy, "I'm not a sailor! I'm just wearing his hat!" |
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A minister was seated next to a United States Marine on a flight. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Marine asked for a whiskey and soda, which the flight attendant brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely groped by a dozen brazen harlots than let liquor pass my lips." The Marine then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice." SEMPER FI. |
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ARMY Pilots Q: How do you know if there is a ARMY pilot at your party? A: He'll tell you. Q: What's the difference between God and ARMY pilots A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot. Q: What's the difference between a ARMY pilot and a jet engine? A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
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A CRUSTY OLD MARINE CORPS COLONEL FOUND HIMSELF AT A GALA EVENT DOWNTOWN, HOSTED BY A LOCAL LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE. THERE WAS NO SHORTAGE OF EXTREMELY YOUNG, IDEALISTIC LADIES IN ATTENDANCE, ONE OF WHOM APPROACHED THE COLONEL FOR CONVERSATION. SHE SAID, "EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT YOU SEEM TO BE A VERY SERIOUS MAN, ARE YOU THIS WAY ALL THE TIME, OR IS SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU?" "NO," THE COLONEL SAID, "JUST SERIOUS BY NATURE!" THE YOUNG LADY LOOKED AT HIS AWARDS AND DECORATIONS, AND SAID, "IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE SEEN A LOT OF ACTION" THE COLONEL'S SHORT REPLY WAS, "YES, A LOT OF ACTION." THE YOUNG LADY, TIRING OF TRYING TO START UP A CONVERSATION, SAID, "YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE. RELAX AND ENJOY YOURSELF." THE COLONEL JUST STARED AT HER IN HIS SERIOUS MANNER. FINALLY THE YOUNG LADY SAID, "YOU KNOW, I HOPE YOU DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU HAD SEX?" THE COLONEL LOOKED AT HER AND REPLIED, "1955." SHE SAID, "WELL THERE YOU GO, YOU REALLY NEED TO CHILL OUT AND QUIT TAKING EVERYTHING SO SERIOUSLY......I MEAN, NO SEX SINCE 1955, ISN'T THAT LITTLE EXTREME?" THE COLONEL, GLANCING AT HIS WATCH, SAID IN HIS MATTER-OF-FACT VOICE, "OH, I DON'T KNOW. IT'S ONLY 2130 NOW." |
I knew I was missing some. |
I thought it read: 4. A 2nd Lt. saying, "Well, my experience tells me..." |
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How do you knock out a bunch of marines? Throw sand at the wall and tell them to take the beach. How are Marines like bananas? They all start out green, turn yellow, and die in bunches on the beach. Why do sailors take marines on the boat? Sheep are too obvious. Give me a while, Ive got a bunch I learned in Hawaii that Ive forgotten, itll take some beer to bring back the memories. |
Take your time
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A Soldier on TDY was using the latrine at Rhein Main when the PA announced that his flight was departing thirty minutes early. Fearing he would miss his flight the Soldier hurried out just as a Marine was entering. As the Soldier walked away he heard the Marine comment "The Corps taught me to wash my hands after using the head." The soldier kept walking but replied over his shoulder, "The Army taught me not to piss on my hands!" |